advice they gave him.
Jack hitherto had passed in the world for a poor, simple, well-meaning,
half-witted, crack-brained fellow. People were strangely surprised to
find him in such a roguery--that he should disguise himself under a
false name, hire himself out for a servant to an old gentlewoman, only
for an opportunity to poison her. They said that it was more generous to
profess open enmity than under a profound dissimulation to be guilty
of such a scandalous breach of trust, and of the sacred rights of
hospitality; in short, the action was universally condemned by his best
friends. They told him in plain terms that this was come as a judgment
upon him for his loose life, his gluttony, drunkenness, and avarice;
for laying aside his father's will in an old mouldy trunk, and turning
stock-jobber, newsmonger, and busybody, meddling with other people's
affairs, shaking off his old serious friends, and keeping company with
buffoons and pickpockets, his father's sworn enemies; that he had
best throw himself upon the mercy of the court, repent, and change
his manners. To say truth, Jack heard these discourses with some
compunction; however, he resolved to try what his new acquaintance
would do for him. They sent Habakkuk Slyboots,* who delivered him
the following message, as the peremptory commands of his trusty
companions:--
* Habakkuk Slyboots, a certain great man who persuaded the
Dissenters to consent to the Bill against Occasional
Conformity as being for their interest.
HABAKKUK.--Dear Jack, I am sorry for thy misfortune: matters have not
been carried on with due secrecy; however, we must make the best of
a bad bargain. Thou art in the utmost jeopardy, that's certain; hang,
draw, and quarter, are the gentlest things they talk of. However, thy
faithful friends, ever watchful for thy security, bid me tell thee that
they have one infallible expedient left to save thy life. Thou must know
we have got into some understanding with the enemy by the means of Don
Diego;* he assures us there is no mercy for thee, and that there is only
one way left to escape. It is, indeed, somewhat out of the common road;
however, be assured it is the result of most mature deliberation.
* A noble Tory lord.
JACK.--Prithee tell me quickly, for my heart is sunk down in the very
bottom of my belly.
HAB.--It is the unanimous opinion of your friends that you make as if
you hanged yourself;* they will give it out that you are quite dead, and
convey your body out of prison in a bier; and John Bull, being busied
with his lawsuit, will not inquire further into the matter.
* Consent to the Bill against Occasional Conformity.
JACK.--How d'ye mean, make as if I hanged myself?
HAB.--Nay, you must really hang yourself up in a true genuine rope, that
there may appear no trick in it, and leave the rest to your friends.
JACK.--Truly this is a matter of some concern, and my friends, I hope,
won't take it ill if I inquire a little into the means by which they
intend to deliver me. A rope and a noose are no jesting matters!
HAB.--Why so mistrustful? hast thou ever found us false to thee? I tell
thee there is one ready to cut thee down.
JACK.--May I presume to ask who it is that is entrusted with so
important an office?
HAB.--Is there no end of thy hows and thy whys? That's a secret.
JACK.--A secret, perhaps, that I may be safely trusted with, for I am
not like to tell it again. I tell you plainly it is no strange thing for
a man before he hangs himself up to inquire who is to cut him down.
HAB.--Thou suspicious creature! if thou must needs know it, I tell thee
it is Sir Roger;* he has been in tears ever since thy misfortune. Don
Diego and we have laid it so that he is to be in the next room, and
before the rope is well about thy neck, rest satisfied he will break in
and cut thee down. Fear not, old boy; we'll do it, I'll warrant thee.
* It was given out that the Earl of Oxford would oppose the
occasional Bill, and so lose his credit with the Tories; and
the Dissenters did believe he would not suffer it to pass.
JACK.--So I must hang myself up upon hopes that Sir Roger will cut
me down, and all this upon the credit of Don Diego. A fine stratagem,
indeed, to save my life, that depends upon hanging, Don Diego, and Sir
Roger!
HAB.--I tell thee there is a mystery in all this, my friend, a piece
of profound policy; if thou knew what good this will do to the common
cause, thy heart would leap for joy. I am sure thou wouldst not delay
the experiment one moment.
JACK.--This is to the tune of "All for the better." What's your cause to
me when I am hanged?
HAB.--Refractory mortal! if thou wilt not trust thy friends, take what
follows. Know assuredly, before next full moon, that thou wilt be hung
up in chains, or thy quarters perching upon the most conspicuous
places of the kingdom. Nay, I don't believe they will be contented
with hanging; they talk of impaling, or breaking on the wheel, and thou
choosest that before a gentle suspending of thyself for one minute.
Hanging is not so painful a thing as thou imaginest. I have spoken
with several that have undergone it; they all agree it is no manner of
uneasiness. Be sure thou take good notice of the symptoms; the relation
will be curious. It is but a kick or two with thy heels, and a wry mouth
or so: Sir Roger will be with thee in the twinkling of an eye.
JACK.--But what if Sir Roger should not come; will my friends be there
to succour me?
HAB.--Doubt it not; I will provide everything against to-morrow morning:
do thou keep thy own secret--say nothing. I tell thee it is absolutely
necessary for the common good that thou shouldst go through this
operation.