Tavern, in the Conference between Bull, Frog, Esquire South, and Lewis
Baboon.
* The Treaty of Utrecht: the difficulty to get them to
meet. When met, the Dutch would not speak their sentiments,
nor the French deliver in their proposals. The House of
Austria talked very high.
Frog had given his word that he would meet the above-mentioned company
at the "Salutation," to talk of this agreement. Though he durst not
directly break his appointment, he made many a shuffling excuse: one
time he pretended to be seized with the gout in his right knee; then he
got a great cold, that had struck him deaf of one ear; afterwards two
of his coach-horses fell sick, and he durst not go by water, for fear
of catching an ague. John would take no excuse, but hurried him away.
"Come, Nic.," says he, "let's go and hear at least what this old fellow
has to propose; I hope there's no hurt in that." "Be it so," quoth Nic.;
"but if I catch any harm, woe be to you; my wife and children will curse
you as long as they live." When they were come to the "Salutation," John
concluded all was sure then, and that he should be troubled no more with
law affairs. He thought everybody as plain and sincere as he was. "Well,
neighbours," quoth he, "let's now make an end of all matters, and
live peaceably together for the time to come. If everybody is as well
inclined as I, we shall quickly come to the upshot of our affair." And
so, pointing to Frog to say something, to the great surprise of all the
company, Frog was seized with a dead palsy in the tongue. John began
to ask him some plain questions, and whooped and hallooed in his ear:
"Let's come to the point. Nic., who wouldst thou have to be Lord Strutt?
Wouldst thou have Philip Baboon?" Nic. shook his head, and said nothing.
"Wilt thou, then, have Esquire South to be Lord Strutt?" Nic. shook his
head a second time. "Then who the devil wilt thou have? Say something
or another." Nic. opened his mouth and pointed to his tongue, and cried,
"A, a, a, a!" which was as much as to say he could not speak.
JOHN BULL.--"Shall I serve Philip Baboon with broadcloth, and accept
of the composition that he offers, with the liberty of his parks and
fishponds?" Then Nic. roared like a bull, "O, o, o, o!"
JOHN BULL.--"If thou wilt not let me have them, wilt thou take them
thyself?" Then Nic. grinned, cackled, and laughed, till he was like to
kill himself, and seemed to be so pleased that he fell a frisking and
dancing about the room.
JOHN BULL.--"Shall I leave all this matter to thy management, Nic.,
and go about my business?" Then Nic. got up a glass and drank to John,
shaking him by the hand till he had like to have shook his shoulder out
of joint.
JOHN BULL.--"I understand thee, Nic.; but I shall make thee speak before
I go." Then Nic. put his finger in his cheek and made it cry "buck!"
which was as much as to say, "I care not a farthing for thee."
JOHN BULL.--"I have done, Nic.; if thou wilt not speak, I'll make my own
terms with old Lewis here."
John, perceiving that Frog would not speak, turns to old Lewis: "Since
we cannot make this obstinate fellow speak, Lewis, pray condescend a
little to his humour, and set down thy meaning upon paper, that he may
answer it in another scrap."
"I am infinitely sorry," quoth Lewis, "that it happens so unfortunately;
for, playing a little at cudgels t'other day, a fellow has given me such
a rap over the right arm that I am quite lame. I have lost the use of my
forefinger and my thumb, so that I cannot hold my pen."
JOHN BULL.--"That's all one; let me write for you."
LEWIS.--"But I have a misfortune that I cannot read anybody's hand but
my own."
JOHN BULL.--"Try what you can do with your left hand."
LEWIS.--"That's impossible; it will make such a scrawl that it will not
be legible."
As they were talking of this matter, in came Esquire South, all dressed
up in feathers and ribbons, stark staring mad, brandishing his sword, as
if he would have cut off their heads, crying "Room, room, boys, for the
grand esquire of the world! the flower of esquires! What! covered in my
presence? I'll crush your souls, and crack you like lice!" With that he
had like to have struck John Bull's hat into the fire; but John, who was
pretty strong-fisted, gave him such a squeeze as made his eyes water.
He went on still in his mad pranks: "When I am lord of the universe, the
sun shall prostrate and adore me! Thou, Frog, shalt be my bailiff; Lewis
my tailor; and thou, John Bull, shalt be my fool!"
All this while Frog laughed in his sleeve, gave the esquire the other
noggan of brandy, and clapped him on the back, which made him ten times
madder.
Poor John stood in amaze, talking thus to himself: "Well, John, thou art
got into rare company! One has a dumb devil, the other a mad devil, and
the third a spirit of infirmity. An honest man has a fine time on it
amongst such rogues. What art thou asking of them after all? Some mighty
boon one would think! only to sit quietly at thy own fireside. What have
I to do with such fellows? John Bull, after all his losses and crosses,
can live better without them than they can without him. Would I lived a
thousand leagues off them! but the devil's in it; John Bull is in, and
John Bull must get out as well as he can."
As he was talking to himself, he observed Frog and old Lewis edging
towards one another to whisper,* so that John was forced to sit with his
arms akimbo, to keep them asunder.
* Some attempts of secret negotiation between the French and
the Dutch.
Some people advised John to bleed Frog under the tongue, or take away
his bread-and-butter, which would certainly make him speak; to
give Esquire South hellebore; as for Lewis, some were for emollient
poultices, others for opening his arm with an incision knife.