* The history of the Partition Treaty; suspicions at that
time that the French King intended to take the whole, and
that he revealed the secret to the Court of Spain.
MRS. BULL.--Though our affairs, honey, are in a bad condition, I have
a better opinion of them since you seemed to be convinced of the ill
course you have been in, and are resolved to submit to proper remedies.
But when I consider your immense debts, your foolish bargains, and the
general disorder of your business, I have a curiosity to know what fate
or chance has brought you into this condition.
JOHN BULL.--I wish you would talk of some other subject, the thoughts of
it makes me mad; our family must have their run.
MRS. BULL.--But such a strange thing as this never happened to any of
your family before: they have had lawsuits, but, though they spent the
income, they never mortgaged the stock. Sure, you must have some of the
Norman or the Norfolk blood in you. Prithee, give me some account of
these matters.
JOHN BULL.--Who could help it? There lives not such a fellow by bread as
that old Lewis Baboon: he is the most cheating, contentious rogue upon
the face of the earth. You must know, one day, as Nic. Frog and I were
over a bottle making up an old quarrel, the old fellow would needs have
us drink a bottle of his champagne, and so one after another, till my
friend Nic. and I, not being used to such heady stuff, got very drunk.
Lewis all the while, either by the strength of his brain or flinching
his glass, kept himself sober as a judge. "My worthy friends," quoth
Lewis, "henceforth let us live neighbourly; I am as peaceable and quiet
as a lamb of my own temper, but it has been my misfortune to live among
quarrelsome neighbours. There is but one thing can make us fall out,
and that is the inheritance of Lord Strutt's estate: I am content, for
peace' sake, to waive my right, and submit to any expedient to prevent
a lawsuit; I think an equal division* will be the fairest way." "Well
moved, Old Lewis," quoth Frog, "and I hope my friend John here will
not be refractory." At the same time he clapped me on the back, and
slabbered me all over from cheek to cheek with his great tongue. "Do as
you please, gentlemen," quoth I, "'tis all one to John Bull." We agreed
to part that night, and next morning to meet at the corner of Lord
Strutt's park wall, with our surveying instruments, which accordingly
we did. Old Lewis carried a chain and a semicircle; Nic., paper, rulers,
and a lead pencil; and I followed at some distance with a long pole. We
began first with surveying the meadow grounds, afterwards we measured
the cornfields, close by close; then we proceeded to the woodlands, the
copper and tin mines.** All this while Nic. laid down everything exactly
upon paper, calculated the acres and roods to a great nicety. When
we had finished the land, we were going to break into the house
and gardens, to take an inventory of his plate, pictures, and other
furniture.
* The Partition Treaty.
** The West Indies.
MRS. BULL.--What said Lord Strutt to all this?
JOHN BULL.--As we had almost finished our concern, we were accosted by
some of Lord Strutt's servants. "Heyday! what's here? what a devil's
the meaning of all these trangrams and gimcracks, gentlemen? What in the
name of wonder, are you going about, jumping over my master's hedges,
and running your lines cross his grounds? If you are at any field
pastime, you might have asked leave: my master is a civil well-bred
person as any is."
MRS. BULL.--What could you answer to this?
JOHN BULL.--Why, truly, my neighbour Frog and I were still hot-headed;
we told him his master was an old doting puppy, that minded nothing of
his own business; that we were surveying his estate, and settling it
for him, since he would not do it himself. Upon this there happened a
quarrel, but we being stronger than they, sent them away with a flea in
their ear. They went home and told their master. "My lord," say they,
"there are three odd sort of fellows going about your grounds with the
strangest machines that ever we beheld in our life: I suppose they are
going to rob your orchard, fell your trees, or drive away your cattle.
They told us strange things of settling your estate--one is a lusty
old fellow in a black wig, with a black beard, without teeth; there's
another, thick squat fellow, in trunk hose; the third is a little,
long-nosed, thin man (I was then lean, being just come out of a fit
of sickness)--I suppose it is fit to send after them, lest they carry
something away?"
MRS. BULL.--I fancy this put the old fellow in a rare tweague.
JOHN BULL.--Weak as he was, he called for his long Toledo, swore and
bounced about the room: "'Sdeath! what am I come to, to be affronted
so by my tradesmen? I know the rascals: my barber, clothier, and
linen-draper dispose of my estate! Bring hither my blunderbuss; I'll
warrant ye you shall see daylight through them. Scoundrels! dogs! the
scum of the earth! Frog, that was my father's kitchen-boy, he pretend to
meddle with my estate--with my will! Ah, poor Strutt! what are thou come
to at last? Thou hast lived too long in the world, to see thy age and
infirmity so despised! How will the ghosts of my noble ancestors receive
these tidings?--they cannot, they must not sleep quietly in their
graves." In short, the old gentleman was carried off in a fainting fit,
and after bleeding in both arms hardly recovered.
MRS. BULL.--Really this was a very extraordinary way of proceeding! I
long to hear the rest of it.
JOHN BULL.--After we had come back to the tavern, and taken t'other
bottle of champagne, we quarrelled a little about the division of the
estate. Lewis hauled and pulled the map on one side and Frog and I on
t'other, till we had like to have tore the parchment to pieces. At last
Lewis pulled out a pair of great tailor's shears and clipt a corner for
himself, which he said was a manor that lay convenient for him, and left
Frog and me the rest to dispose of as we pleased. We were overjoyed to
think Lewis was contented with so little, not smelling what was at the
bottom of the plot. There happened, indeed, an incident that gave us
some disturbance. A cunning fellow, one of my servants, two days after,
peeping through the keyhole, observed that old Lewis had stole away
our part of the map, and saw him fiddling and turning the map from one
corner to the other, trying to join the two pieces together again. He
was muttering something to himself, which he did not well hear, only
these words, "'Tis great pity! 'tis great pity!" My servant added that
he believed this had some ill meaning. I told him he was a coxcomb,
always pretending to be wiser than his companions. Lewis and I are good
friends, he's an honest fellow, and I daresay will stand to his bargain.
The sequel of the story proved this fellow's suspicion to be too well
grounded; for Lewis revealed our whole secret to the deceased Lord
Strutt, who in reward for his treachery, and revenge to Frog and
me, settled his whole estate upon the present Philip Baboon. Then we
understood what he meant by piecing the map together.
MRS. BULL.--And were you surprised at this? Had not Lord Strutt
reason to be angry? Would you have been contented to have been so used
yourself?
JOHN BULL.--Why, truly, wife, it was not easily reconciled to the common
methods; but then it was the fashion to do such things. I have read of
your golden age, your silver age, etc.; one might justly call this
the age of the lawyers. There was hardly a man of substance in all the
country but had a counterfeit that pretended to his estate.* As the
philosophers say that there is a duplicate of every terrestrial animal
at sea, so it was in this age of the lawyers: there were at least two
of everything; nay, o' my conscience, I think there were three Esquire
Hackums** at one time. In short, it was usual for a parcel of fellows
to meet and dispose of the whole estates in the country. "This lies
convenient for me, Tom. Thou wouldst do more good with that, Dick, than
the old fellow that has it." So to law they went with the true owners:
the lawyers got well by it; everybody else was undone. It was a common
thing for an honest man when he came home at night to find another
fellow domineering in his family, hectoring his servants, and calling
for supper. In every house you might observe two Sosias quarrelling who
was master. For my own part, I am still afraid of the same treatment:
that I should find somebody behind my counter selling my broad-cloth.
* Several Pretenders at that time.
** Kings of England.
MRS. BULL.--There is a sort of fellows they call banterers and
bamboozlers that play such tricks, but it seems these fellows were in
earnest.
JOHN BULL.--I begin to think that justice is a better rule than
conveniency, for all some people make so slight on it.