CHAPTER I. The Character of John Bull's Mother.*

Produced by Les Bowler

THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL

By John Arbuthnot, M.D.

INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY.

This is the book which fixed the name and character of John Bull on

the English people. Though in one part of the story he is thin and long

nosed, as a result of trouble, generally he is suggested to us as "ruddy

and plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter," an honest tradesman,

simple and straightforward, easily cheated; but when he takes his

affairs into his own hands, acting with good plain sense, knowing very

well what he wants done, and doing it.

The book was begun in the year 1712, and published in four successive

groups of chapters that dealt playfully, from the Tory point of view,

with public affairs leading up to the Peace of Utrecht. The Peace urged

and made by the Tories was in these light papers recommended to the

public. The last touches in the parable refer to the beginning of the

year 1713, when the Duke of Ormond separated his troops from those of

the Allies and went to receive Dunkirk as the stipulated condition of

cessation of arms. After the withdrawal of the British troops, Prince

Eugene was defeated by Marshal Villars at Denain, and other reverses

followed. The Peace of Utrecht was signed on the 31st of March.

Some chapters in this book deal in like manner, from the point of view

of a good-natured Tory of Queen Anne's time, with the feuds of the

day between Church and Dissent. Other chapters unite with this topic

a playful account of another chief political event of the time--the

negotiation leading to the Act of Union between England and Scotland,

which received the Royal Assent on the 6th of March, 1707; John Bull

then consented to receive his "Sister Peg" into his house. The Church,

of course, is John Bull's mother; his first wife is a Whig Parliament,

his second wife a Tory Parliament, which first met in November, 1710.

This "History of John Bull" began with the first of its four parts

entitled "Law is a Bottomless Pit, exemplified in the case of Lord

Strutt, John Bull, Nicholas Frog, and Lewis Baboon, who spent all they

had in a Law-suit." For Law put War--the War of the Spanish Succession;

for lawyers, soldiers; for sessions, campaigns; for verdicts, battles

won; for Humphry Hocus the attorney, Marlborough the general; for law

expenses, war expenses; and for aim of the whole, to aid the Tory policy

of peace with France. A second part followed, entitled "John Bull in his

Senses;" the third part was called "John Bull still in his Senses;" and

the fourth part, "Lewis Baboon turned Honest, and John Bull Politician."

The four parts were afterwards arranged into two, as they are here

reprinted, and published together as "The History of John Bull," with a

few notes by the author which sufficiently explain its drift.

The author was John Arbuthnot, a physician, familiar friend of Pope and

Swift, whom Pope addressed as

"Friend to my life, which did not you prolong,

The world had wanted many an idle song;"

and of whom Swift said, that "he has more wit than we all have, and his

humanity is equal to his wit." "If there were a dozen Arbuthnots in the

world," said Swift, "I would burn 'Gulliver's Travels.'"

Arbuthnot was of Swift's age, born in 1667, son of a Scotch Episcopal

clergyman, who lost his living at the Revolution. His sons--all trained

in High Church principles--left Scotland to seek their fortunes; John

came to London and taught mathematics. He took his degree of Doctor

of Medicine at St. Andrews in 1696; found use for mathematics in his

studies of medicine; became a Fellow of the Royal Society; and being by

chance at Epsom when Queen Anne's husband was taken ill, prescribed for

him so successfully that he was made in 1705 Physician Extraordinary,

and upon the occurrence of a vacancy in 1709 Physician in Ordinary,

to the Queen. Swift calls him her favourite physician. In 1710 he was

admitted Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians. That was Arbuthnot's

position in 1712-13 when, at the age of forty-five, he wrote this

"History of John Bull." He was personal friend of the Ministers whose

policy he supported, and especially of Harley, Earl of Oxford, the Sir

Roger of the History.

After Queen Anne's death, and the coming of the Whigs to power,

Arbuthnot lost his office at Court. But he was the friend and physician

of all the wits; himself without literary ambition, allowing friends

to make what alterations they pleased in pieces that he wrote, or his

children to make kites of them. A couple of years before his death

he suffered deeply from the loss of the elder of his two sons. He was

himself afflicted then with stone, and retired to Hampstead to die. "A

recovery," he wrote to Swift, "is in my case and in my age impossible;

the kindest wish of my friends is euthanasia." He died in 1735.

AUTHOR'S PREFACE.

When I was first called to the office of historiographer to John Bull,

he expressed himself to this purpose:--"Sir Humphrey Polesworth,* I know

you are a plain dealer; it is for that reason I have chosen you for this

important trust; speak the truth and spare not." That I might fulfil

those his honourable intentions, I obtained leave to repair to, and

attend him in his most secret retirements; and I put the journals of

all transactions into a strong box, to be opened at a fitting occasion,

after the manner of the historiographers of some eastern monarchs: this

I thought was the safest way; though I declare I was never afraid to be

chopped** by my master for telling of truth. It is from those journals

that my memoirs are compiled: therefore let not posterity a thousand

years hence look for truth in the voluminous annals of pedants, who are

entirely ignorant of the secret springs of great actions; if they do,

let me tell them they will be nebused.***

* A Member of Parliament, eminent for a certain cant in his

conversation, of which there is a good deal in this book.

** A cant word of Sir Humphrey's.

*** Another cant word, signifying deceived.

With incredible pains have I endeavoured to copy the several beauties

of the ancient and modern historians; the impartial temper of Herodotus,

the gravity, austerity, and strict morals of Thucydides, the extensive

knowledge of Xenophon, the sublimity and grandeur of Titus Livius; and

to avoid the careless style of Polybius, I have borrowed considerable

ornaments from Dionysius Halicarnasseus, and Diodorus Siculus. The

specious gilding of Tacitus I have endeavoured to shun. Mariana, Davila,

and Fra. Paulo, are those amongst the moderns whom I thought most

worthy of imitation; but I cannot be so disingenuous, as not to own the

infinite obligations I have to the "Pilgrim's Progress" of John Bunyan,

and the "Tenter Belly" of the Reverend Joseph Hall.

From such encouragement and helps, it is easy to guess to what a degree

of perfection I might have brought this great work, had it not

been nipped in the bud by some illiterate people in both Houses of

Parliament, who envying the great figure I was to make in future ages,

under pretence of raising money for the war,* have padlocked all

those very pens that were to celebrate the actions of their heroes, by

silencing at once the whole university of Grub Street. I am persuaded

that nothing but the prospect of an approaching peace could have

encouraged them to make so bold a step. But suffer me, in the name of

the rest of the matriculates of that famous university, to ask them some

plain questions: Do they think that peace will bring along with it

the golden age? Will there be never a dying speech of a traitor? Are

Cethegus and Catiline turned so tame, that there will be no opportunity

to cry about the streets, "A Dangerous Plot?" Will peace bring such

plenty that no gentleman will have occasion to go upon the highway, or

break into a house? I am sorry that the world should be so much imposed

upon by the dreams of a false prophet, as to imagine the Millennium is

at hand. O Grub Street! thou fruitful nursery of towering geniuses! How

do I lament thy downfall? Thy ruin could never be meditated by any who

meant well to English liberty. No modern lyceum will ever equal thy

glory: whether in soft pastorals thou didst sing the flames of pampered

apprentices and coy cook maids; or mournful ditties of departing

lovers; or if to Maeonian strains thou raisedst thy voice, to record

the stratagems, the arduous exploits, and the nocturnal scalade of needy

heroes, the terror of your peaceful citizens, describing the powerful

Betty or the artful Picklock, or the secret caverns and grottoes of

Vulcan sweating at his forge, and stamping the queen's image on viler

metals which he retails for beef and pots of ale; or if thou wert

content in simple narrative, to relate the cruel acts of implacable

revenge, or the complaint of ravished virgins blushing to tell their

adventures before the listening crowd of city damsels, whilst in thy

faithful history thou intermingledst the gravest counsels and the purest

morals. Nor less acute and piercing wert thou in thy search and pompous

descriptions of the works of nature; whether in proper and emphatic

terms thou didst paint the blazing comet's fiery tail, the stupendous

force of dreadful thunder and earthquakes, and the unrelenting

inundations. Sometimes, with Machiavelian sagacity, thou unravelledst

intrigues of state, and the traitorous conspiracies of rebels, giving

wise counsel to monarchs. How didst thou move our terror and our pity

with thy passionate scenes between Jack Catch and the heroes of the Old

Bailey? How didst thou describe their intrepid march up Holborn Hill?

Nor didst thou shine less in thy theological capacity, when thou gavest

ghostly counsels to dying felons, and didst record the guilty pangs of

Sabbath breakers. How will the noble arts of John Overton's** painting

and sculpture now languish? where rich invention, proper expression,

correct design, divine attitudes, and artful contrast, heightened with

the beauties of Clar. Obscur., embellished thy celebrated pieces, to the

delight and astonishment of the judicious multitude! Adieu, persuasive

eloquence! the quaint metaphor, the poignant irony, the proper epithet,

and the lively simile, are fled for ever! Instead of these, we shall

have, I know not what! The illiterate will tell the rest with pleasure.

* Act restraining the liberty of the press, etc.

** The engraver of the cuts before the Grub Street papers.

I hope the reader will excuse this digression, due by way of condolence

to my worthy brethren of Grub Street, for the approaching barbarity

that is likely to overspread all its regions by this oppressive and

exorbitant tax. It has been my good fortune to receive my education

there; and so long as I preserved some figure and rank amongst the

learned of that society, I scorned to take my degree either at Utrecht

or Leyden, though I was offered it gratis by the professors in those

universities.

And now that posterity may not be ignorant in what age so excellent a

history was written (which would otherwise, no doubt, be the subject of

its inquiries), I think it proper to inform the learned of future times,

that it was compiled when Louis XIV. was King of France, and Philip his

grandson of Spain; when England and Holland, in conjunction with the

Emperor and the Allies, entered into a war against these two princes,

which lasted ten years, under the management of the Duke of Marlborough,

and was put to a conclusion by the Treaty of Utrecht, under the ministry

of the Earl of Oxford, in the year 1713.

Many at that time did imagine the history of John Bull, and the

personages mentioned in it, to be allegorical, which the author would

never own. Notwithstanding, to indulge the reader's fancy and curiosity,

I have printed at the bottom of the page the supposed allusions of the

most obscure parts of the story.

THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL.

CHAPTER I. The Occasion of the Law Suit.

I need not tell you of the great quarrels that have happened in our

neighbourhood since the death of the late Lord Strutt;* how the parson**

and a cunning attorney got him to settle his estate upon his cousin

Philip Baboon, to the great disappointment of his cousin Esquire South.

Some stick not to say that the parson and the attorney forged a will;

for which they were well paid by the family of the Baboons. Let that

be as it will, it is matter of fact that the honour and estate have

continued ever since in the person of Philip Baboon.

* Late King of Spain.

** Cardinal Portocarero.

You know that the Lord Strutts have for many years been possessed of a

very great landed estate, well conditioned, wooded, watered, with coal,

salt, tin, copper, iron, etc., all within themselves; that it has been

the misfortune of that family to be the property of their stewards,

tradesmen, and inferior servants, which has brought great incumbrances

upon them; at the same time, their not abating of their expensive way

of living has forced them to mortgage their best manors. It is credibly

reported that the butcher's and baker's bill of a Lord Strutt that lived

two hundred years ago are not yet paid.

When Philip Baboon came first to the possession of the Lord Strutt's

estate, his tradesmen,* as is usual upon such occasions, waited upon him

to wish him joy and bespeak his custom. The two chief were John Bull,**

the clothier, and Nic. Frog,*** the linendraper. They told him that the

Bulls and Frogs had served the Lord Strutts with draperyware for many

years; that they were honest and fair dealers; that their bills had

never been questioned; that the Lord Strutts lived generously, and

never used to dirty their fingers with pen, ink, and counters; that

his lordship might depend upon their honesty that they would use him as

kindly as they had done his predecessors. The young lord seemed to take

all in good part, and dismissed them with a deal of seeming content,

assuring them he did not intend to change any of the honourable maxims

of his predecessors.

* The first letters of congratulation from King William and

the States of Holland upon King Philip's accession to the

crown of Spain.

** The English.

*** The Dutch.

CHAPTER II. How Bull and Frog grew jealous that the Lord Strutt intended

to give all his custom to his grandfather Lewis Baboon.

It happened unfortunately for the peace of our neighbourhood that this

young lord had an old cunning rogue, or, as the Scots call it, a false

loon of a grandfather, that one might justly call a Jack-of-all-Trades.*

Sometimes you would see him behind his counter selling broadcloth,

sometimes measuring linen; next day he would be dealing in merceryware.

High heads, ribbons, gloves, fans, and lace he understood to a nicety.

Charles Mather could not bubble a young beau better with a toy; nay, he

would descend even to the selling of tape, garters, and shoe-buckles.

When shop was shut up he would go about the neighbourhood and earn

half-a-crown by teaching the young men and maids to dance. By these

methods he had acquired immense riches, which he used to squander* away

at back-sword, quarter-staff, and cudgel-play, in which he took great

pleasure, and challenged all the country. You will say it is no

wonder if Bull and Frog should be jealous of this fellow. "It is not

impossible," says Frog to Bull, "but this old rogue will take the

management of the young lord's business into his hands; besides, the

rascal has good ware, and will serve him as cheap as anybody. In that

case, I leave you to judge what must become of us and our families;

we must starve, or turn journeyman to old Lewis Baboon. Therefore,

neighbour, I hold it advisable that we write to young Lord Strutt to

know the bottom of this matter."

* The character and trade of the French nation.

** The King's disposition to war.

CHAPTER III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter to Lord Strutt.

My Lord,--I suppose your lordship knows that the Bulls and the Frogs

have served the Lord Strutts with all sorts of draperyware time out of

mind. And whereas we are jealous, not without reason, that your lordship

intends henceforth to buy of your grandsire old Lewis Baboon, this is

to inform your lordship that this proceeding does not suit with the

circumstances of our families, who have lived and made a good figure in

the world by the generosity of the Lord Strutts. Therefore we think fit

to acquaint your lordship that you must find sufficient security to us,

our heirs, and assigns that you will not employ Lewis Baboon, or else

we will take our remedy at law, clap an action upon you of 20,000

pounds for old debts, seize and distrain your goods and chattels,

which, considering your lordship's circumstances, will plunge you into

difficulties, from which it will not be easy to extricate yourself.

Therefore we hope, when your lordship has better considered on it, you

will comply with the desire of

Your loving friends,

JOHN BULL,

NIC. FROG.

Some of Bull's friends advised him to take gentler methods with the

young lord, but John naturally loved rough play. It is impossible to

express the surprise of the Lord Strutt upon the receipt of this letter.

He was not flush in ready either to go to law or clear old debts,

neither could he find good bail. He offered to bring matters to a

friendly accommodation, and promised, upon his word of honour, that he

would not change his drapers; but all to no purpose, for Bull and Frog

saw clearly that old Lewis would have the cheating of him.

CHAPTER IV. How Bull and Frog went to law with Lord Strutt about the

premises, and were joined by the rest of the tradesmen.

All endeavours of accommodation between Lord Strutt and his drapers

proved vain. Jealousies increased, and, indeed, it was rumoured abroad

that Lord Strutt had bespoke his new liveries of old Lewis Baboon. This

coming to Mrs. Bull's ears, when John Bull came home, he found all

his family in an uproar. Mrs. Bull, you must know, was very apt to be

choleric. "You sot," says she, "you loiter about alehouses and taverns,

spend your time at billiards, ninepins, or puppet-shows, or flaunt about

the streets in your new gilt chariot, never minding me nor your numerous

family. Don't you hear how Lord Strutt has bespoke his liveries at

Lewis Baboon's shop? Don't you see how that old fox steals away your

customers, and turns you out of your business every day, and you sit

like an idle drone, with your hands in your pockets? Fie upon it. Up

man, rouse thyself; I'll sell to my shift before I'll be so used by that

knave."* You must think Mrs. Bull had been pretty well tuned up by Frog,

who chimed in with her learned harangue. No further delay now, but to

counsel learned in the law they go, who unanimously assured them both of

justice and infallible success of their lawsuit.

* The sentiments and addresses of the Parliament at that

time.

I told you before that old Lewis Baboon was a sort of a

Jack-of-all-trades, which made the rest of the tradesmen jealous, as

well as Bull and Frog; they hearing of the quarrel, were glad of an

opportunity of joining against old Lewis Baboon, provided that Bull

and Frog would bear the charges of the suit. Even lying Ned, the

chimney-sweeper of Savoy, and Tom, the Portugal dustman, put in their

claims, and the cause was put into the hands of Humphry Hocus, the

attorney.

A declaration was drawn up to show "That Bull and Frog had undoubted

right by prescription to be drapers to the Lord Strutts; that there were

several old contracts to that purpose; that Lewis Baboon had taken up

the trade of clothier and draper without serving his time or purchasing

his freedom; that he sold goods that were not marketable without the

stamp; that he himself was more fit for a bully than a tradesman, and

went about through all the country fairs challenging people to fight

prizes, wrestling and cudgel play, and abundance more to this purpose."

CHAPTER V. The true characters of John Bull, Nic. Frog, and Hocus.*

* Characters of the English and Dutch, and the General Duke

of Marlborough.

For the better understanding the following history the reader ought

to know that Bull, in the main, was an honest, plain-dealing fellow,

choleric, bold, and of a very unconstant temper; he dreaded not old

Lewis either at back-sword, single falchion, or cudgel-play; but then

he was very apt to quarrel with his best friends, especially if they

pretended to govern him. If you flattered him you might lead him like a

child. John's temper depended very much upon the air; his spirits rose

and fell with the weather-glass. John was quick and understood his

business very well, but no man alive was more careless in looking into

his accounts, or more cheated by partners, apprentices, and servants.

This was occasioned by his being a boon companion, loving his bottle and

his diversion; for, to say truth, no man kept a better house than John,

nor spent his money more generously. By plain and fair dealing John had

acquired some plums, and might have kept them, had it not been for his

unhappy lawsuit.

Nic. Frog was a cunning, sly fellow, quite the reverse of John in many

particulars; covetous, frugal, minded domestic affairs, would pinch his

belly to save his pocket, never lost a farthing by careless servants

or bad debtors. He did not care much for any sort of diversion, except

tricks of high German artists and legerdemain. No man exceeded Nic. in

these; yet it must be owned that Nic. was a fair dealer, and in that way

acquired immense riches.

Hocus was an old cunning attorney, and though this was the first

considerable suit that ever he was engaged in he showed himself superior

in address to most of his profession. He kept always good clerks, he

loved money, was smooth-tongued, gave good words, and seldom lost his

temper. He was not worse than an infidel, for he provided plentifully

for his family, but he loved himself better than them all. The

neighbours reported that he was henpecked, which was impossible, by such

a mild-spirited woman as his wife was.

CHAPTER VI. Of the various success of the Lawsuit.*

* The success of the war.

Law is a bottomless pit; it is a cormorant, a harpy, that devours

everything. John Bull was flattered by the lawyers that his suit would

not last above a year or two at most; that before that time he would be

in quiet possession of his business; yet ten long years did Hocus steer

his cause through all the meanders of the law and all the courts. No

skill, no address was wanting, and, to say truth, John did not starve

the cause; there wanted not yellowboys to fee counsel, hire witnesses,

and bribe juries. Lord Strutt was generally cast, never had one verdict

in his favour, and John was promised that the next, and the next, would

be the final determination; but, alas! that final determination and

happy conclusion was like an enchanted island; the nearer John came to

it the further it went from him. New trials upon new points still arose,

new doubts, new matters to be cleared; in short, lawyers seldom part

with so good a cause till they have got the oyster and their clients the

shell. John's ready money, book debts, bonds, mortgages, all went into

the lawyers' pockets. Then John began to borrow money upon Bank Stock

and East India Bonds. Now and then a farm went to pot. At last it was

thought a good expedient to set up Esquire South's title to prove the

will forged and dispossess Philip Lord Strutt at once. Here again was a

new field for the lawyers, and the cause grew more intricate than

ever. John grew madder and madder; wherever he met any of Lord Strutt's

servants he tore off their clothes. Now and then you would see them

come home naked, without shoes, stockings, and linen. As for old Lewis

Baboon, he was reduced to his last shift, though he had as many as any

other. His children were reduced from rich silks to doily stuffs, his

servants in rags and barefooted; instead of good victuals they now lived

upon neck beef and bullock's liver. In short, nobody got much by the

matter but the men of law.

CHAPTER VII. How John Bull was so mightily pleased with his success that

he was going to leave off his trade and turn Lawyer.

It is wisely observed by a great philosopher that habit is a second

nature. This was verified in the case of John Bull, who, from an honest

and plain tradesman, had got such a haunt about the Courts of Justice,

and such a jargon of law words, that he concluded himself as able

a lawyer as any that pleaded at the bar or sat on the bench. He

was overheard one day talking to himself after this manner: "How

capriciously does fate or chance dispose of mankind. How seldom is that

business allotted to a man for which he is fitted by Nature. It is plain

I was intended for a man of law. How did my guardians mistake my genius

in placing me, like a mean slave, behind a counter? Bless me! what

immense estates these fellows raise by the law. Besides, it is the

profession of a gentleman. What a pleasure it is to be victorious in

a cause: to swagger at the bar. What a fool am I to drudge any more in

this woollen trade. For a lawyer I was born, and a lawyer I will be; one

is never too old to learn."* All this while John had conned over such a

catalogue of hard words as were enough to conjure up the devil; these

he used to babble indifferently in all companies, especially at coffee

houses, so that his neighbour tradesmen began to shun his company as a

man that was cracked. Instead of the affairs of Blackwell Hall and price

of broadcloth, wool, and baizes, he talks of nothing but actions upon

the case, returns, capias, alias capias, demurrers, venire facias,

replevins, supersedeases, certioraries, writs of error, actions of

trover and conversion, trespasses, precipes, and dedimus. This was

matter of jest to the learned in law; however Hocus and the rest of the

tribe encouraged John in his fancy, assuring him that he had a great

genius for law; that they questioned not but in time he might raise

money enough by it to reimburse him of all his charges; that if he

studied he would undoubtedly arrive to the dignity of a Lord Chief

Justice. As for the advice of honest friends and neighbours John

despised it; he looked upon them as fellows of a low genius, poor

grovelling mechanics. John reckoned it more honour to have got one

favourable verdict than to have sold a bale of broadcloth. As for Nic.

Frog, to say the truth, he was more prudent; for though he followed his

lawsuit closely he neglected not his ordinary business, but was both in

court and in his shop at the proper hours.

* The manners and sentiments of the nation at that time.

CHAPTER VIII. How John discovered that Hocus had an Intrigue with his

Wife;* and what followed thereupon.

John had not run on a madding so long had it not been for an extravagant

wife, whom Hocus perceiving John to be fond of, was resolved to win over

to his side. It is a true saying, that the last man of the parish

that knows of his cuckoldom is himself. It was observed by all the

neighbourhood that Hocus had dealings with John's wife that were not so

much for his honour; but this was perceived by John a little too late:

she was a luxurious jade, loved splendid equipages, plays, treats and

balls, differing very much from the sober manners of her ancestors, and

by no means fit for a tradesman's wife. Hocus fed her extravagancy (what

was still more shameful) with John's own money. Everybody said that

Hocus had a month's mind to her; be that as it will, it is matter of

fact, that upon all occasions she ran out extravagantly on the praise

of Hocus. When John used to be finding fault with his bills, she used

to reproach him as ungrateful to his greatest benefactor; one that had

taken so much pains in his lawsuit, and retrieved his family from the

oppression of old Lewis Baboon. A good swinging sum of John's readiest

cash went towards building of Hocus's country house.** This affair

between Hocus and Mrs. Bull was now so open, that all the world was

scandalised at it; John was not so clod-pated, but at last he took the

hint. The parson of the parish preaching one day with more zeal than

sense against adultery, Mrs. Bull told her husband that he was a

very uncivil fellow to use such coarse language before people of

condition;*** that Hocus was of the same mind, and that they would join

to have him turned out of his living for using personal reflections. How

do you mean, says John, by personal reflections? I hope in God, wife,

he did not reflect upon you? "No, thank God, my reputation is too well

established in the world to receive any hurt from such a foul-mouthed

scoundrel as he; his doctrine tends only to make husbands tyrants, and

wives slaves; must we be shut up, and husbands left to their liberty?

Very pretty indeed! a wife must never go abroad with a Platonic to see

a play or a ball; she must never stir without her husband; nor walk in

Spring Garden with a cousin. I do say, husband, and I will stand by it,

that without the innocent freedoms of life, matrimony would be a most

intolerable state; and that a wife's virtue ought to be the result of

her own reason, and not of her husband's government: for my part, I

would scorn a husband that would be jealous, if he saw a fellow with

me." All this while John's blood boiled in his veins: he was now

confirmed in all his suspicions; the hardest names, were the best words

that John gave her. Things went from better to worse, till Mrs. Bull

aimed a knife at John, though John threw a bottle at her head very

brutally indeed: and after this there was nothing but confusion;

bottles, glasses, spoons, plates, knives, forks, and dishes, flew about

like dust; the result of which was, that Mrs. Bull received a bruise

in her right side of which she died half a year after. The bruise

imposthumated, and afterwards turned to a stinking ulcer, which made

everybody shy to come near her, yet she wanted not the help of many

able physicians, who attended very diligently, and did what men of

skill could do; but all to no purpose, for her condition was now quite

desperate, all regular physicians and her nearest relations having given

her over.****

* The opinion at that time of the General's tampering with

the Parliament.

** Blenheim Palace.

*** The story of Dr. Sacheverel, and the resentment of the

House of Commons.

**** The opinion of the Tories about that House of Commons.

CHAPTER IX. How some Quacks undertook to cure Mrs. Bull of her ulcer.*

There is nothing so impossible in Nature but mountebanks will undertake;

nothing so incredible but they will affirm: Mrs. Bull's condition was

looked upon as desperate by all the men of art; but there were those

that bragged they had an infallible ointment and plaister, which being

applied to the sore, would cure it in a few days; at the same time they

would give her a pill that would purge off all her bad humours, sweeten

her blood, and rectify her disturbed imagination. In spite of all

applications the patient grew worse every day; she stunk so, nobody

durst come within a stone's throw of her, except those quacks who

attended her close, and apprehended no danger. If one asked them how

Mrs. Bull did? Better and better, said they; the parts heal, and her

constitution mends: if she submits to our government she will be abroad

in a little time. Nay, it is reported that they wrote to her friends

in the country that she should dance a jig next October in Westminster

Hall, and that her illness had been chiefly owing to bad physicians. At

last, one of them was sent for in great haste, his patient grew worse

and worse: when he came, he affirmed that it was a gross mistake, and

that she was never in a fairer way. Bring hither the salve, says he,

and give her a plentiful draught of my cordial. As he was applying his

ointments, and administering the cordial, the patient gave up the ghost,

to the great confusion of the quack, and the great joy of Bull and his

friends. The quack flung away out of the house in great disorder,

and swore there was foul play, for he was sure his medicines were

infallible. Mrs. Bull having died without any signs of repentance or

devotion, the clergy would hardly allow her a Christian burial. The

relations had once resolved to sue John for the murder, but considering

better of it, and that such a trial would rip up old sores, and discover

things not so much to the reputation of the deceased, they dropped their

design. She left no will, only there was found in her strong box the

following words written on a scrip of paper--"My curse on John Bull,

and all my posterity, if ever they come to any composition with the Lord

Strutt."

She left him three daughters, whose names were Polemia, Discordia, and

Usuria.**

* Endeavours and hopes of some people to hinder the

dissolution of that Parliament.

** War, faction, and usury.

CHAPTER X. Of John Bull's second Wife, and the good Advice that she gave

him.*

John quickly got the better of his grief, and, seeing that neither his

constitution nor the affairs of his family, could permit him to live in

an unmarried state, he resolved to get him another wife; a cousin of his

last wife's was proposed, but John would have no more of the breed. In

short, he wedded a sober country gentlewoman, of a good family and a

plentiful fortune, the reverse of the other in her temper; not but that

she loved money, for she was saving, and applied her fortune to pay

John's clamorous debts, that the unfrugal method of his last wife, and

this ruinous lawsuit, had brought him into. One day, as she had got

her husband in a good humour, she talked to him after the following

manner:--"My dear, since I have been your wife, I have observed great

abuses and disorders in your family: your servants are mutinous and

quarrelsome, and cheat you most abominably; your cookmaid is in a

combination with your butcher, poulterer, and fishmonger; your butler

purloins your liquor, and the brewer sells you hogwash; your baker

cheats both in weight and in tale; even your milkwoman and your

nursery-maid have a fellow feeling; your tailor, instead of shreds,

cabbages whole yards of cloth; besides, leaving such long scores, and

not going to market with ready money forces us to take bad ware of the

tradesmen at their own price. You have not posted your books these ten

years. How is it possible for a man of business to keep his affairs even

in the world at this rate? Pray God this Hocus be honest; would to God

you would look over his bills, and see how matters stand between Frog

and you. Prodigious sums are spent in this lawsuit, and more must be

borrowed of scriveners and usurers at heavy interest. Besides, my

dear, let me beg of you to lay aside that wild project of leaving

your business to turn lawyer, for which, let me tell you, Nature never

designed you. Believe me, these rogues do but flatter, that they may

pick your pocket; observe what a parcel of hungry ragged fellows live by

your cause; to be sure they will never make an end of it. I foresee this

haunt you have got about the courts will one day or another bring your

family to beggary. Consider, my dear, how indecent it is to abandon

your shop and follow pettifoggers; the habit is so strong upon you, that

there is hardly a plea between two country esquires, about a barren acre

upon a common, but you draw yourself in as bail, surety, or solicitor."

John heard her all this while with patience, till she pricked his

maggot, and touched him in the tender point. Then he broke out into

a violent passion: "What, I not fit for a lawyer? let me tell you, my

clod-pated relations spoiled the greatest genius in the world when they

bred me a mechanic. Lord Strutt, and his old rogue of a grandsire, have

found to their cost that I can manage a lawsuit as well as another." "I

don't deny what you say," replied Mrs. Bull, "nor do I call in question

your parts; but, I say, it does not suit with your circumstances;

you and your predecessors have lived in good reputation among your

neighbours by this same clothing-trade, and it were madness to leave it

off. Besides, there are few that know all the tricks and cheats of these

lawyers. Does not your own experience teach you how they have drawn you

on from one term to another, and how you have danced the round of all

the courts, still flattering you with a final issue; and, for aught I

can see, your cause is not a bit clearer than it was seven years ago."

"I will be hanged," says John, "if I accept of any composition from

Strutt or his grandfather; I'll rather wheel about the streets an engine

to grind knives and scissors. However, I'll take your advice, and look

over my accounts."

* A new Parliament: the aversion of a Tory House of Commons

to war.

CHAPTER XI. How John looked over his Attorney's Bill.*

* Looking over the accounts.

When John first brought out the bills, the surprise of all the family

was unexpressible at the prodigious dimensions of them; they would have

measured with the best bale of cloth in John's shop. Fees to judges,

puny judges, clerks, prothonotaries, philisers, chirographers,

under-clerks, proclamators, counsel, witnesses, jurymen, marshals,

tipstaffs, criers, porters; for enrollings, exemplifications, bails,

vouchers, returns, caveats, examinations, filings of words, entries,

declarations, replications, recordats, nolle prosequies, certioraries,

mittimuses, demurrers, special verdicts, informations, scire facias,

supersedeas, habeas corpus, coach-hire, treating of witnesses, etc.

"Verily," says John, "there are a prodigious number of learned words in

this law; what a pretty science it is!" "Ay but, husband, you have

paid for every syllable and letter of these fine words. Bless me, what

immense sums are at the bottom of the account!" John spent several weeks

in looking over his bills, and, by comparing and stating his accounts,

he discovered that, besides the extravagance of every article, he had

been egregiously cheated; that he had paid for counsel that were never

fee'd, for writs that were never drawn, for dinners that were never

dressed, and journeys that were never made; in short, that the

tradesmen, lawyers, and Frog had agreed to throw the burden of the

lawsuit upon his shoulders.

CHAPTER XII. How John grew angry, and resolved to accept a Composition;

and what Methods were practised by the Lawyers for keeping him from it.*

Well might the learned Daniel Burgess say, "That a lawsuit is a suit for

life. He that sows his grain upon marble will have many a hungry belly

before harvest." This John felt by woeful experience. John's cause was a

good milch cow, and many a man subsisted his family out of it. However,

John began to think it high time to look about him. He had a cousin in

the country, one Sir Roger Bold, whose predecessors had been bred up

to the law, and knew as much of it as anybody; but having left off

the profession for some time, they took great pleasure in compounding

lawsuits among their neighbours, for which they were the aversion of the

gentlemen of the long robe, and at perpetual war with all the country

attorneys. John put his cause in Sir Roger's hands, desiring him to make

the best of it. The news had no sooner reached the ears of the lawyers,

but they were all in an uproar. They brought all the rest of the

tradesmen upon John.** Squire South swore he was betrayed, that he would

starve before he compounded; Frog said he was highly wronged; even

lying Ned the chimney-sweeper and Tom the dustman complained that their

interest was sacrificed; the lawyers, solicitors, Hocus and his clerks,

were all up in arms at the news of the composition: they abused him and

his wife most shamefully. "You silly, awkward, ill-bred country sow,"

quoth one, "have you no more manners than to rail at Hocus that has

saved that clod-pated numskulled ninny-hammer of yours from ruin, and

all his family? It is well known how he has rose early and sat up late

to make him easy, when he was sotting at every alehouse in town. I

knew his last wife: she was a woman of breeding, good humour, and

complaisance--knew how to live in the world. As for you, you look like a

puppet moved by clockwork; your clothes hang upon you as they were upon

tenter-hooks; and you come into a room as you were going to steal away

a pint pot. Get you gone in the country, to look after your mother's

poultry, to milk the cows, churn the butter, and dress up nosegays for a

holiday, and not meddle with matters which you know no more of than

the sign-post before your door. It is well known that Hocus has an

established reputation; he never swore an oath, nor told a lie, in all

his life; he is grateful to his benefactors, faithful to his friends,

liberal to his dependents, and dutiful to his superiors; he values not

your money more than the dust under his feet, but he hates to be abused.

Once for all, Mrs. Minx, leave off talking of Hocus, or I will pull out

these saucer-eyes of yours, and make that redstreak country face look as

raw as an ox-cheek upon a butcher's-stall; remember, I say, that there

are pillories and ducking-stools."*** With this away they flung, leaving

Mrs. Bull no time to reply. No stone was left unturned to frighten John

from his composition. Sometimes they spread reports at coffee-houses

that John and his wife were run mad; that they intended to give up

house, and make over all their estate to Lewis Baboon; that John had

been often heard talking to himself, and seen in the streets without

shoes or stockings; that he did nothing from morning till night but beat

his servants, after having been the best master alive. As for his wife,

she was a mere natural. Sometimes John's house was beset with a whole

regiment of attornies' clerks, bailiffs, and bailiffs' followers, and

other small retainers of the law, who threw stones at his windows, and

dirt at himself as he went along the street. When John complained of

want of ready-money to carry on his suit, they advised him to pawn his

plate and jewels, and that Mrs. Bull should sell her linen and wearing

clothes.

* Talk of peace, and the struggle of the party against it.

** The endeavours made use of to stop the Treaty of Peace.

*** Reflections upon the House of Commons as ignorant, who

know nothing of business.

CHAPTER XIII. Mrs. Bull's vindication of the indispensable duty

incumbent upon Wives in case of the Tyranny, Infidelity, or

Insufficiency of Husbands; being a full Answer to the Doctor's Sermon

against Adultery.*

* The Tories' representation of the speeches at Sacheverel's

trial.

John found daily fresh proofs of the infidelity and bad designs of his

deceased wife; amongst other things, one day looking over his cabinet,

he found the following paper:--

"It is evident that matrimony is founded upon an original contract,

whereby the wife makes over the right she has by the law of Nature in

favour of the husband, by which he acquires the property of all her

posterity. But, then, the obligation is mutual; and where the contract

is broken on one side it ceases to bind on the other. Where there is a

right there must be a power to maintain it and to punish the offending

party. This power I affirm to be that original right, or rather that

indispensable duty lodged in all wives in the cases above mentioned.

No wife is bound by any law to which herself has not consented. All

economical government is lodged originally in the husband and wife, the

executive part being in the husband; both have their privileges secured

to them by law and reason; but will any man infer from the husband being

invested with the executive power, that the wife is deprived of her

share, and that she has no remedy left but preces and lacrymae, or

an appeal to a supreme court of judicature? No less frivolous are the

arrangements that are drawn from the general appellations and terms

of husband and wife. A husband denotes several different sorts of

magistracy, according to the usages and customs of different climates

and countries. In some eastern nations it signifies a tyrant, with the

absolute power of life and death. In Turkey it denotes an arbitrary

governor, with power of perpetual imprisonment; in Italy it gives the

husband the power of poison and padlocks; in the countries of England,

France, and Holland, it has a quite different meaning, implying a free

and equal government, securing to the wife in certain cases the liberty

of change, and the property of pin-money and separate maintenance.

So that the arguments drawn from the terms of husband and wife are

fallacious, and by no means fit to support a tyrannical doctrine, as

that of absolute unlimited chastity and conjugal fidelity.

"The general exhortations to fidelity in wives are meant only for

rules in ordinary cases, but they naturally suppose three conditions

of ability, justice, and fidelity in the husband; such an unlimited,

unconditioned fidelity in the wife could never be supposed by reasonable

men. It seems a reflection upon the Church to charge her with doctrines

that countenance oppression.

"This doctrine of the original right of change is congruous to the law

of Nature, which is superior to all human laws, and for that I dare

appeal to all wives: It is much to the honour of our English wives that

they have never given up that fundamental point, and that though in

former ages they were muffled up in darkness and superstition, yet that

notion seemed engraven on their minds, and the impression so strong that

nothing could impair it.

"To assert the illegality of change, upon any pretence whatsoever, were

to cast odious colours upon the married state, to blacken the necessary

means of perpetuating families--such laws can never be supposed to have

been designed to defeat the very end of matrimony. I call them necessary

means, for in many cases what other means are left? Such a doctrine

wounds the honour of families, unsettles the titles to kingdoms,

honours, and estates; for if the actions from which such settlements

spring were illegal, all that is built upon them must be so too; but

the last is absurd, therefore the first must be so likewise. What is the

cause that Europe groans at present under the heavy load of a cruel and

expensive war, but the tyrannical custom of a certain nation, and the

scrupulous nicety of a silly queen in not exercising this indispensable

duty, whereby the kingdom might have had an heir, and a controverted

succession might have been avoided. These are the effects of the narrow

maxims of your clergy, 'That one must not do evil that good may come of

it.'

"The assertors of this indefeasible right, and jus divinum of matrimony,

do all in their hearts favour the pretenders to married women; for

if the true legal foundation of the married state be once sapped, and

instead thereof tyrannical maxims introduced, what must follow but

elopements instead of secret and peaceable change?

"From all that has been said, one may clearly perceive the absurdity

of the doctrine of this seditious, discontented, hot-headed, ungifted,

unedifying preacher, asserting 'that the grand security of the

matrimonial state, and the pillar upon which it stands, is founded upon

the wife's belief of an absolute unconditional fidelity to the husband;'

by which bold assertion he strikes at the root, digs the foundation, and

removes the basis upon which the happiness of a married state is built.

As for his personal reflections, I would gladly know who are those

'wanton wives' he speaks of? who are those ladies of high stations

that he so boldly traduces in his sermon? It is pretty plain who these

aspersions are aimed at, for which he deserves the pillory, or something

worse.

"In confirmation of this doctrine of the indispensable duty of change,

I could bring the example of the wisest wives in all ages, who by these

means have preserved their husband's families from ruin and oblivion

by want of posterity; but what has been said is a sufficient ground for

punishing this pragmatical parson."

CHAPTER XIV. The two great Parties of Wives, the Devotos and the Hitts.*

*Those who were for and against the doctrine of

nonresistance.

The doctrine of unlimited fidelity in wives was universally espoused by

all husbands, who went about the country and made the wives sign papers

signifying their utter detestation and abhorrence of Mrs. Bull's wicked

doctrine of the indispensable duty of change. Some yielded, others

refused to part with their native liberty, which gave rise to two great

parties amongst the wives, the Devotos and the Hitts. Though, it must be

owned, the distinction was more nominal than real; for the Devotos would

abuse freedoms sometimes, and those who were distinguished by the name

of Hitts were often very honest. At the same time there was an ingenious

treatise came out with the title of "Good Advice to Husbands," in which

they are counselled not to trust too much to their wives owning the

doctrine of unlimited conjugal fidelity, and so to neglect a due

watchfulness over the manners of their wives; that the greatest security

to husbands was a good usage of their wives and keeping them from

temptation, many husbands having been sufferers by their trusting too

much to general professions, as was exemplified in the case of a foolish

and negligent husband, who, trusting to the efficacy of this principle,

was undone by his wife's elopement from him.

CHAPTER XV. An Account of the Conference between Mrs. Bull and Don

Diego.*

* A Tory nobleman who, by his influence upon the House of

Commons, endeavoured to stop the Treaty.

The lawyers, as their last effort to put off the composition, sent Don

Diego to John. Don Diego was a very worthy gentleman, a friend to John,

his mother, and present wife, and, therefore, supposed to have some

influence over her. He had been ill used himself by John's lawyers, but

because of some animosity to Sir Roger was against the composition. The

conference between him and Mrs. Bull was word for word as follows:--

DON DIEGO.--Is it possible, cousin Bull, that you can forget the

honourable maxims of the family you are come of, and break your word

with three of the honestest, best-meaning persons in the world--Esquires

South, Frog, and Hocus--that have sacrificed their interests to yours?

It is base to take advantage of their simplicity and credulity, and

leave them in the lurch at last.

MRS. BULL--I am sure they have left my family in a bad condition, we

have hardly money to go to market; and nobody will take our words for

sixpence. A very fine spark this Esquire South! My husband took him in,

a dirty boy. It was the business of half the servants to attend him.*

The rogue did bawl and make such a noise: sometimes he fell in the

fire and burnt his face, sometimes broke his shins clambering over the

benches, and always came in so dirty, as if he had been dragged through

the kennel at a boarding-school. He lost his money at chuck-farthing,

shuffle-cap, and all-fours; sold his books, pawned his linen, which we

were always forced to redeem. Then the whole generation of him are so in

love with bagpipes and puppet-shows! I wish you knew what my husband has

paid at the pastry-cook's and confectioner's for Naples biscuits, tarts,

custards, and sweetmeats. All this while my husband considered him as

a gentleman of a good family that had fallen into decay, gave him

good education, and has settled him in a good creditable way of

living--having procured him, by his interest, one of the best places of

the country. And what return, think you, does this fine gentleman

make us? he will hardly give me or my husband a good word, or a civil

expression. Instead of Sir and Madam (which, though I say it, is our

due), he calls us "goody" and "gaffer" such-a-one; says he did us a

great deal of honour to board with us; huffs and dings at such a rate,

because we will not spend the little we have left to get him the title

and estate of Lord Strutt; and then forsooth, we shall have the honour

to be his woollen-drapers.** Besides, Esquire South will be Esquire

South still; fickle, proud, and ungrateful. If he behaves himself so

when he depends on us for his daily bread, can any man say what he will

do when he is got above the world?

* Something relating to the manners of a great prince,

superstition, love of operas, shows, etc.

** Something relating to forms and titles.

D. DIEGO.--And would you lose the honour of so noble and generous an

undertaking? Would you rather accept this scandalous composition, and

trust that old rogue, Lewis Baboon?

MRS. BULL.--Look you, Friend Diego, if we law it on till Lewis turns

honest, I am afraid our credit will run low at Blackwell Hall. I wish

every man had his own; but I still say, that Lord Strutt's money shines

as bright and chinks as well as Esquire South's. I don't know any other

hold that we tradesmen have of these great folks but their interest: buy

dear and sell cheap, and I warrant ye you will keep your customer. The

worst is, that Lord Strutt's servants have got such a haunt about that

old rogue's shop, that it will cost us many a firkin of strong beer to

bring them back again; and the longer they are in a bad road, the harder

it will be to get them out of it.

D. DIEGO.--But poor Frog, what has he done! On my conscience, if there

be an honest, sincere man in the world, it is that Frog.

MRS. BULL.--I think I need not tell you how much Frog has been obliged

to our family from his childhood; he carries his head high now, but

he had never been the man he is without our help.* Ever since the

commencement of this lawsuit, it has been the business of Hocus, in

sharing out expenses, to plead for Frog. "Poor Frog," says he, "is in

hard circumstances, he has a numerous family, and lives from hand to

mouth; his children don't eat a bit of good victuals from one year's end

to the other, but live upon salt herring, sour curd, and borecole. He

does his utmost, poor fellow, to keep things even in the world, and has

exerted himself beyond his ability in this lawsuit; but he really has

not wherewithal to go on. What signifies this hundred pounds? place it

upon your side of the account; it is a great deal to poor Frog, and a

trifle to you." This has been Hocus's constant language, and I am sure

he has had obligations enough to us to have acted another part.

* Complaints of the House of Commons of the unequal burden

of the war.

D. DIEGO.--No doubt Hocus meant all this for the best, but he is a

tender-hearted, charitable man; Frog is indeed in hard circumstances.

MRS. BULL--Hard circumstances! I swear this is provoking to the last

degree. All the time of the lawsuit, as fast as I have mortgaged, Frog

has purchased: from a plain tradesman, with a shop, warehouse, and a

country hut with a dirty fish-pond at the end of it, he is now grown a

very rich country gentleman, with a noble landed estate, noble palaces,

manors, parks, gardens, and farms, finer than any we were ever master

of.* Is it not strange, when my husband disbursed great sums every

term, Frog should be purchasing some new farm or manor? so that if this

lawsuit lasts, he will be far the richest man in his country. What is

worse than all this, he steals away my customers every day; twelve of

the richest and the best have left my shop by his persuasion, and whom,

to my certain knowledge, he has under bonds never to return again: judge

you if this be neighbourly dealing.

* The Dutch acquisitions in Flanders.

D. DIEGO--Frog is indeed pretty close in his dealings, but very honest:

you are so touchy, and take things so hotly, I am sure there must be

some mistake in this.

MRS. BULL--A plaguy one indeed! You know, and have often told me of it,

how Hocus and those rogues kept my husband, John Bull, drunk for five

years together with punch and strong waters: I am sure he never went one

night sober to bed, till they got him to sign the strangest deed that

ever you saw in your life. The methods they took to manage him I'll tell

you another time; at present I'll read only the writing.

Articles of Agreement betwixt JOHN BULL, Clothier, and NICHOLAS FROG,

Linen-draper.*

* The sentiments of the House of Commons, and their

representation of the Barrier Treaty.

I. That for maintaining the ancient good correspondence and friendship

between the said parties, I, Nicholas Frog, do solemnly engage and

promise to keep peace in John Bull's family; that neither his

wife, children, nor servants, give him any trouble, disturbance, or

molestation whatsoever, but to oblige them all to do their duty quietly

in their respective stations. And whereas the said John Bull, from

the assured confidence that he has in my friendship, has appointed me

executor of his last will and testament, and guardian to his children, I

do undertake for me, my heirs and assigns, to see the same duly executed

and performed, and that it shall be unalterable in all its parts by John

Bull, or anybody else: for that purpose it shall be lawful and allowable

for me to enter his house at any hour of the day or night, to break open

bars, bolts, and doors, chests of drawers, and strong boxes, in order

to secure the peace of my friend John Bull's family, and to see his will

duly executed.

II. In consideration of which kind neighbourly office of Nicholas Frog,

in that he has been pleased to accept of the aforesaid trust, I, John

Bull, having duly considered that my friend, Nicholas Frog, at this

time lives in a marshy soil and unwholesome air, infested with fogs and

damps, destructive of the health of himself, wife, and children, do bind

and oblige me, my heirs and assigns, to purchase for the said Nicholas

Frog, with the best and readiest of my cash, bonds, mortgages, goods and

chattels, a landed estate, with parks, gardens, palaces, rivers, fields,

and outlets, consisting of as large extent as the said Nicholas Frog

shall think fit. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog is at present hemmed

in too close by the grounds of Lewis Baboon, master of the science of

defence, I, the said John Bull, do oblige myself with the readiest of my

cash, to purchase and enclose the said grounds, for as many fields and

acres as the said Nicholas shall think fit; to the intent that the said

Nicholas may have free egress and regress, without let or molestation,

suitable to the demands of himself and family.

III. Furthermore, the said John Bull obliges himself to make the country

neighbours of Nicholas Frog allot a certain part of yearly rents, to pay

for the repairs of the said landed estate, to the intent that his good

friend, Nicholas Frog, may be eased of all charges.

IV. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog did contract with the deceased

Lord Strutt about certain liberties, privileges, and immunities,

formerly in the possession of the said John Bull, I, the said John Bull,

do freely by these presents, renounce, quit, and make over to the said

Nicholas, the liberties, privileges, and immunities contracted for, in

as full a manner, as if they never had belonged to me.

V. The said John Bull obliges himself, his heirs and assigns, not

to sell one rag of broad or coarse cloth to any gentleman within the

neighbourhood of the said Nicholas, except in such quantities and such

rates as the said Nicholas shall think fit.

Signed and sealed,

JOHN BULL,

NIC. FROG.

The reading of this paper put Mrs. Bull in such a passion that she fell

downright into a fit, and they were forced to give her a good quantity

of the spirit of hartshorn before she recovered.

D. DIEGO--Why in such a passion, cousin? considering your circumstances

at that time, I don't think this such an unreasonable contract. You see

Frog, for all this, is religiously true to his bargain; he scorns to

hearken to any composition without your privacy.

MRS. BULL.--You know the contrary.* Read that letter.

[Reads the superscription.] For Lewis Baboon, Master of the Noble

Science of Defence.

"SIR.--I understand that you are at this time treating with my friend

John Bull, about restoring the Lord Strutt's custom, and besides

allowing him certain privileges of parks and fish-ponds; I wonder how

you that are a man that knows the world, can talk with that simple

fellow. He has been my bubble these twenty years, and to my certain

knowledge, understands no more of his own affairs than a child in

swaddling clothes. I know he has got a sort of a pragmatical silly jade

of a wife, that pretends to take him out of my hands; but you and she

both will find yourselves mistaken; I'll find those that shall manage

her; and for him, he dares as well be hanged as make one step in his

affairs without my consent. If you will give me what you promised him, I

will make all things easy, and stop the deeds of ejectment against Lord

Strutt: if you will not, take what follows. I shall have a good action

against you, for pretending to rob me of my bubble. Take this warning

from

"Your loving friend,

"NIC. FROG."

* Secret negotiations of the Dutch at that time.

I am told, cousin Diego, you are one of those that have undertaken to

manage me, and that you have said you will carry a green bag yourself,

rather than we shall make an end of our lawsuit: I'll teach them and you

too to manage.

D. DIEGO.--For God's sake, madam, why so choleric? I say this letter is

some forgery; it never entered into the head of that honest man, Nic.

Frog, to do any such thing.

MRS. BULL.--I can't abide you. You have been railing these twenty years

at Squire South, Frog, and Hocus, calling them rogues and pickpockets,

and now they are turned the honestest fellows in the world. What is the

meaning of all this?

D. DIEGO.--Pray tell me how you came to employ this Sir Roger in your

affairs, and not think of your old friend Diego?

MRS. BULL.--So, so, there it pinches. To tell you truth, I have employed

Sir Roger in several weighty affairs, and have found him trusty and

honest, and the poor man always scorned to take a farthing of me. I have

abundance that profess great zeal, but they are damnable greedy of the

pence. My husband and I are now in such circumstances, that we must be

served upon cheaper terms than we have been.

D. DIEGO.--Well, cousin, I find I can do no good with you; I am sorry

that you will ruin yourself by trusting this Sir Roger.

CHAPTER XVI. How the guardians of the deceased Mrs. Bull's three

daughters came to John, and what advice they gave him; wherein is

briefly treated the characters of the three daughters. Also John Bull's

answer to the three guardians.*

* Concerns of the party, and speeches for carrying on the

war, etc. Sentiments of the Tories and House of Commons

against continuing the war for setting King Charles upon the

throne of Spain.

I told you in a former chapter that Mrs. Bull, before she departed this

life, had blessed John with three daughters. I need not here repeat

their names, neither would I willingly use any scandalous reflections

upon young ladies, whose reputations ought to be very tenderly handled;

but the characters of these were so well known in the neighbourhood,

that it is doing them no injury to make a short description of them.

The eldest* was a termagant, imperious, prodigal, lewd, profligate

wench, as ever breathed; she used to rantipole about the house, pinch

the children, kick the servants, and torture the cats and the dogs; she

would rob her father's strong box, for money to give the young fellows

that she was fond of. She had a noble air, and something great in her

mien, but such a noisome infectious breath, as threw all the servants

that dressed her into consumptions; if she smelt to the freshest

nosegay, it would shrivel and wither as it had been blighted: she used

to come home in her cups, and break the china, and the looking-glasses;

and was of such an irregular temper, and so entirely given up to her

passion, that you might argue as well with the North wind, as with her

ladyship: so expensive, that the income of three dukedoms was not enough

to supply her extravagance. Hocus loved her best, believing her to be

his own, got upon the body of Mrs. Bull.

* Polemia.

The second daughter,* born a year after her sister, was a peevish,

froward, ill-conditioned creature as ever was, ugly as the devil, lean,

haggard, pale, with saucer eyes, a sharp nose, and hunched backed; but

active, sprightly, and diligent about her affairs. Her ill complexion

was occasioned by her bad diet, which was coffee** morning, noon, and

night. She never rested quietly a-bed, but used to disturb the whole

family with shrieking out in her dreams, and plague them next day with

interpreting them, for she took them all for gospel; she would cry

out "Murder!" and disturb the whole neighbourhood; and when John came

running downstairs to inquire what the matter was, nothing forsooth,

only her maid had stuck a pin wrong in her gown; she turned away one

servant for putting too much oil in her salad, and another for putting

too little salt in her water-gruel; but such as by flattery had procured

her esteem, she would indulge in the greatest crime. Her father had

two coachmen; when one was in the coach-box, if the coach swung but

the least to one side, she used to shriek so loud, that all the street

concluded she was overturned; but though the other was eternally drunk,

and had overturned the whole family, she was very angry with her father

for turning him away. Then she used to carry tales and stories from one

to another, till she had set the whole neighbourhood together by the

ears; and this was the only diversion she took pleasure in. She never

went abroad, but she brought home such a bundle of monstrous lies, as

would have amazed any mortal, but such as know her: of a whale that had

swallowed a fleet of ships; of the lions being let out of the Tower,

to destroy the Protestant religion; of the Pope's being seen in a

brandy-shop at Wapping; and a prodigious strong man that was going to

shove down the cupola of St. Paul's; of three millions of five pound

pieces that Squire South had found under an old wall; of blazing stars,

flying dragons, and abundance of such stuff. All the servants in the

family made high court to her, for she domineered there, and turned out

and in whom she pleased; only there was an old grudge between her and

Sir Roger, whom she mortally hated and used to hire fellows to squirt

kennel water upon him as he passed along the streets; so that he was

forced constantly to wear a surtout of oiled cloth, by which means he

came home pretty clean, except where the surtout was a little scanty.

* Discordia.

** Coffee-house tattle.

As for the third* she was a thief and a common mercenary. She had no

respect of persons: a prince or a porter was all one, according as they

paid; yea, she would leave the finest gentleman in the world to go to an

ugly fellow for sixpence more. In the practice of her profession she

had amassed vast magazines of all sorts of things: she had above five

hundred suits of fine clothes, and yet went abroad like a cinder wench.

She robbed and starved all the servants, so that nobody could live near

her.

* Usuria.

So much for John's three daughters, which you will say were rarities

to be fond of. Yet Nature will shew itself. Nobody could blame their

relations for taking care of them, and therefore it was that Hocus, with

two other of the guardians, thought it their duty to take care of the

interest of the three girls and give John their best advice before he

compounded the lawsuit.

HOCUS.--What makes you so shy of late, my good friend? There's nobody

loves you better than I, nor has taken more pains in your affairs. As

I hope to be saved I would do anything to serve you; I would crawl upon

all fours to serve you; I have spent my health and paternal estate in

your service. I have, indeed, a small pittance left, with which I might

retire, and with as good a conscience as any man; but the thoughts of

this disgraceful composition so touches me to the quick that I cannot

sleep. After I had brought the cause to the last stroke, that one

verdict more had quite ruined old Lewis and Lord Strutt, and put you in

the quiet possession of everything--then to compound! I cannot bear it.

This cause was my favourite; I had set my heart upon it; it is like an

only child; I cannot endure it should miscarry. For God's sake consider

only to what a dismal condition old Lewis is brought. He is at an end of

all his cash; his attorneys have hardly one trick left; they are at an

end of all their chicane; besides, he has both his law and his daily

bread now upon trust. Hold out only one term longer, and I'll warrant

you before the next we shall have him in the Fleet. I'll bring him to

the pillory; his ears shall pay for his perjuries. For the love of God

don't compound. Let me be damned if you have a friend in the world that

loves you better than I. There is nobody can say I am covetous or that I

have any interests to pursue but yours.

SECOND GUARDIAN.--There is nothing so plain as that this Lewis has a

design to ruin all his neighbouring tradesmen, and at this time he has

such a prodigious income by his trade of all kinds, that, if there

is not some stop put to his exorbitant riches, he will monopolise

everything; nobody will be able to sell a yard of drapery or mercery

ware but himself. I then hold it advisable that you continue the lawsuit

and burst him at once. My concern for the three poor motherless children

obliges me to give you this advice; for their estates, poor girls,

depend upon the success of this cause.

THIRD GUARDIAN.--I own this Writ of Ejectment has cost dear, but then

consider it is a jewel well worth the purchasing at the price of all

you have. None but Mr. Bull's declared enemies can say he has any other

security for his clothing trade but the ejectment of Lord Strutt. The

only question, then, that remains to be decided is: who shall stand the

expenses of the suit? To which the answer is as plain: who but he that

is to have the advantage of the sentence? When Esquire South has got

possession of his title and honour is not John Bull to be his clothier?

Who, then, but John ought to put in possession? Ask but any indifferent

gentleman, Who ought to bear his charges at law? and he will readily

answer, His tradesmen. I do therefore affirm, and I will go to death

with it, that, being his clothier, you ought to put him in quiet

possession of his estate, and with the same generous spirit you have

begun it complete the good work. If you persist in the bad measures you

are now in, what must become of the three poor orphans! My heart bleeds

for the poor girls.

JOHN BULL.--You are all very eloquent persons, but give me leave to tell

you you express a great deal more concern for the three girls than for

me. I think my interest ought to be considered in the first place. As

for you, Hocus, I can't but say you have managed my lawsuit with great

address and much to my honour, and, though I say it, you have been well

paid for it. Why must the burden be taken off Frog's back and laid upon

my shoulders? He can drive about his own parks and fields in his gilt

chariot, when I have been forced to mortgage my estate; his note will

go farther than my bond. Is it not matter of fact, that from the richest

tradesman in all the country, I am reduced to beg and borrow from

scriveners and usurers that suck the heart, blood, and guts out of me,

and what is all this for! Did you like Frog's countenance better than

mine? Was not I your old friend and relation? Have I not presented you

nobly? Have I not clad your whole family? Have you not had a hundred

yards at a time of the finest cloth in my shop? Why must the rest of the

tradesmen be not only indemnified from charges, but forbid to go on

with their own business, and what is more their concern than mine? As to

holding out this term I appeal to your own conscience, has not that been

your constant discourse these six years, "One term more and old Lewis

goes to pot?" If thou art so fond of my cause be generous for once, and

lend me a brace of thousands. Ah, Hocus! Hocus! I know thee: not a sous

to save me from jail, I trow. Look ye, gentlemen, I have lived with

credit in the world, and it grieves my heart never to stir out of my

doors but to be pulled by the sleeve by some rascally dun or other.

"Sir, remember my bill. There's a small concern of a thousand pounds; I

hope you think on't, sir." And to have these usurers transact my debts

at coffee-houses and ale-houses, as if I were going to break up shop.

Lord! that ever the rich, the generous John Bull, clothier, the envy

of all his neighbours, should be brought to compound his debts for five

shillings in the pound, and to have his name in an advertisement for

a statute of bankrupt. The thought of it makes me mad. I have read

somewhere in the Apocrypha, "That one should not consult with a woman

touching her of whom she is jealous; nor with a merchant concerning

exchange; nor with a buyer, of selling; nor with an unmerciful man, of

kindness, etc." I could have added one thing more: nor with an attorney

about compounding a lawsuit. The ejectment of Lord Strutt will never do.

The evidence is crimp: the witnesses swear backwards and forwards, and

contradict themselves; and his tenants stick by him. One tells me that

I must carry on my suit, because Lewis is poor; another, because he is

still too rich: whom shall I believe? I am sure of one thing, that a

penny in the purse is the best friend John can have at last, and who can

say that this will be the last suit I shall be engaged in? Besides,

if this ejectment were practicable is it reasonable that, when Esquire

South is losing his money to sharpers and pickpockets, going about the

country with fiddlers and buffoons, and squandering his income with

hawks and dogs, I should lay out the fruits of my honest industry in a

lawsuit for him, only upon the hopes of being his clothier? And when

the cause is over I shall not have the benefit of my project for want of

money to go to market. Look ye, gentlemen, John Bull is but a plain man,

but John Bull knows when he is ill used. I know the infirmity of our

family: we are apt to play the boon-companion and throw away our money

in our cups. But it was an unfair thing in you, gentlemen, to take

advantage of my weakness, to keep a parcel of roaring bullies about me

day and night, with huzzas and hunting horns, and ringing the changes on

butcher's cleavers; never let me cool, and make me set my hand to papers

when I could hardly hold my pen. There will come a day of reckoning for

all that proceeding. In the meantime, gentlemen, I beg you will let me

into my affairs a little, and that you would not grudge me the small

remainder of a very great estate.

CHAPTER XVII. Esquire South's Message and Letter to Mrs. Bull.*

* Complaints of the deficiencies of the House of Austria,

Prince Eugene's journey and message.

The arguments used by Hocus and the rest of the guardians had hitherto

proved insufficient. John and his wife could not be persuaded to bear

the expense of Esquire South's lawsuit. They thought it reasonable

that, since he was to have the honour and advantage, he should bear the

greatest share of the charges, and retrench what he lost to sharpers and

spent upon country dances and puppet plays to apply it to that use. This

was not very grateful to the esquire; therefore, as the last experiment,

he was resolved to send Signior Benenato, master of his foxhounds, to

Mrs. Bull to try what good he could do with her. This Signior Benenato

had all the qualities of a fine gentleman that were set to charm a

lady's heart, and if any person in the world could have persuaded her

it was he. But such was her unshaken fidelity to her husband, and the

constant purpose of her mind to pursue his interest, that the most

refined arts of gallantry that were practised could not seduce her

heart. The necklaces, diamond crosses, and rich bracelets that were

offered she rejected with the utmost scorn and disdain. The music and

serenades that were given her sounded more ungratefully in her ears than

the noise of a screech owl. However, she received Esquire South's letter

by the hands of Signior Benenato with that respect which became his

quality. The copy of the letter is as follows, in which you will observe

he changes a little his usual style:--

MADAM,--The Writ of Ejectment against Philip Baboon (pretended Lord

Strutt) is just ready to pass. There want but a few necessary forms and

a verdict or two more to put me in the quiet possession of my honour and

estate. I question not but that, according to your wonted generosity and

goodness, you will give it the finishing stroke: an honour that I would

grudge anybody but yourself. In order to ease you of some part of the

charges, I promise to furnish pen, ink, and paper, provided you pay

for the stamps. Besides, I have ordered my stewards to pay out of the

readiest and best of my rents five pounds ten shillings a year till

my suit is finished. I wish you health and happiness, being with due

respect,

Madam, your assured friend,

SOUTH.

What answer Mrs. Bull returned to this letter you shall know in

my second part, only they were at a pretty good distance in their

proposals; for as Esquire South only offered to be at the charges of

pen, ink, and paper, Mrs. Bull refused any more than to lend her barge*

to carry his counsel to Westminster Hall.

* Sending the English Fleet to convoy the forces to

Barcelona.

PART II.

THE PUBLISHER'S PREFACE.

The world is much indebted to the famous Sir Humphry Polesworth for his

ingenious and impartial account of John Bull's lawsuit. Yet there is

just cause of complaint against him, in that he relates it only by

parcels, and won't give us the whole work. This forces me, who am only

the publisher, to bespeak the assistance of his friends and acquaintance

to engage him to lay aside that stingey humour and gratify the curiosity

of the public at once. He pleads in excuse that they are only private

memoirs, wrote for his own use in a loose style to serve as a help to

his ordinary conversation. I represented to him the good reception the

first part had met with; that, though calculated only for the meridian

of Grub Street, it was yet taken notice of by the better sort; that the

world was now sufficiently acquainted with John Bull, and interested

itself in his concerns. He answered with a smile, that he had, indeed,

some trifling things to impart that concerned John Bull's relations and

domestic affairs. If these would satisfy me he gave me free leave to

make use of them, because they would serve to make the history of the

lawsuit more intelligible. When I had looked over the manuscript I found

likewise some further account of the composition, which, perhaps, may

not be unacceptable to such as have read the former part.

CHAPTER I. The Character of John Bull's Mother.*

* The Church of England.

John had a mother whom he loved and honoured extremely, a discreet,

grave, sober, good-conditioned, cleanly old gentlewoman as ever lived.

She was none of your cross-grained, termagant, scolding jades that one

had as good be hanged as live in the house with, such as are always

censuring the conduct and telling scandalous stories of their

neighbours, extolling their own good qualities and undervaluing those

of others. On the contrary, she was of a meek spirit, and, as she was

strictly virtuous herself, so she always put the best construction

upon the words and actions of her neighbours, except where they were

irreconcileable to the rules of honesty and decency. She was neither

one of your precise prudes, nor one of your fantastical old belles that

dress themselves like girls of fifteen; as she neither wore a ruff,

forehead-cloth, nor high-crowned hat, so she had laid aside feathers,

flowers, and crimpt ribbons in her head-dress, furbelow-scarfs, and

hooped-petticoats. She scorned to patch and paint, yet she loved to

keep her hands and her face clean. Though she wore no flaunting laced

ruffles, she would not keep herself in a constant sweat with greasy

flannel. Though her hair was not stuck with jewels, she was not ashamed

of a diamond cross; she was not, like some ladies, hung about with toys

and trinkets, tweezer-cases, pocket-glasses, and essence-bottles; she

used only a gold watch and an almanack to mark the hours and the holy

days.

Her furniture was neat and genteel, well fancied with a bon gout. As she

affected not the grandeur of a state with a canopy, she thought there

was no offence in an elbow-chair. She had laid aside your carving,

gilding, and Japan work as being too apt to gather dirt. But she never

could be prevailed upon to part with plain wainscot and clean hangings.

There are some ladies that affect to smell a stink in everything; they

are always highly perfumed, and continually burning frankincense in

their rooms. She was above such affectation, yet she never would lay

aside the use of brooms and scrubbing-brushes, and scrupled not to lay

her linen in fresh lavender.

She was no less genteel in her behaviour, well-bred, without

affectation; in the due mean between one of your affected, curtseying

pieces of formality and your romps that have no regard to the common

rules of civility. There are some ladies that affect a mighty regard for

their relations. "We must not eat to-day, for my uncle Tom, or my cousin

Betty, died this time ten years. Let's have a ball to-night, it is my

neighbour Such-a-one's birthday." She looked upon all this as grimace,

yet she constantly observed her husband's birthday, her wedding-day, and

some few more.

Though she was a truly good woman, and had a sincere motherly love for

her son John, yet there wanted not those who endeavoured to create a

misunderstanding between them, and they had so far prevailed with him

once that he turned her out of doors, to his great sorrow, as he found

afterwards, for his affairs went on at sixes and sevens.

She was no less judicious in the turn of her conversation and choice of

her studies, in which she far exceeded all her sex. Your rakes that hate

the company of all sober, grave gentlewomen would bear hers, and she

would, by her handsome manner of proceeding, sooner reclaim than some

that were more sour and reserved. She was a zealous preacher up of

conjugal fidelity in wives, and by no means a friend to the new-fangled

doctrine of the indispensable duty of change. Though she advanced her

opinions with a becoming assurance, yet she never ushered them in as

some positive creatures will do, with dogmatical assertions. "This is

infallible; I cannot be mistaken; none but a rogue can deny it." It has

been observed that such people are oftener in the wrong than anybody.

Though she had a thousand good qualities, she was not without her

faults, amongst which one might, perhaps, reckon too great lenity to

her servants, to whom she always gave good counsel, but often too

gentle correction. I thought I could not say less of John Bull's mother,

because she bears a part in the following transactions.