been, till within a few hours of her being taken ill, which was
manifested by her asking to see dear little baby, the first thing she
had voluntarily asked for, since her illness, without being spoken to.
She again mentioned the subject of her confidence in her Lord, and
acquiescence in his will. She asked me what I thought of her
situation. I said I had committed her to the Lord, who, I knew, would
deal graciously by her. She replied, "Yes, that he will." She
continued in this state of improvement till to-day at about nine
o'clock, when her mind again began to wander. When I quoted to her,
that to the Lord's servants light should spring up in darkness, she
said, "Yes, that it shall." She said, "I feel much better than
yesterday--don't you see that I am." In fact, my hopes of her being
really improving would have been complete, but from that peculiar look
of the eyes, which authors who have written on this subject, all
denote as most fatal; from this, therefore, my hopes never were very
high, yet though I had yesterday been enabled, through the Lord's
grace, to lie in his hands like a weaned child, to-day the
disappointment of the dear hope, slight as it was, of having her
restored to us, has brought my soul again into very deep waters. She
also this morning expressed her anxiety about the dear children, and
her fear, least in attending her, I should take the plague, and they
be left orphans here.
In every respect, certainly the Lord has been most gracious to her.
She is about to be transplanted to her native soil, where tears and
sorrows shall never enter, and in the way of her removal, since the
Lord's time is come, nothing can be more compassionate to her peculiar
weakness of heart than not allowing her anxiety to dwell on the dear
children, and their probable situation here. To have been happy in
quitting them, amidst such a scene as now surrounds us, and in such a
country, perhaps no mortal faith could have been equal to; the Lord,
therefore, suffered not her mind to possess its usual sensibilities;
but took them from her, and left her only to return to his bosom in
peace.
I feel the Holy Ghost again sustaining my poor weak heart in the
prospect of losing such a wife, and remaining solitary here with three
dear motherless children; but I know the Lord in whom I have believed,
and he will not fail his chosen in one of all those good things he has
promised. Our trials are indeed very very great; but the Lord, the
comforter, is greater even than they. My dearest wife now (two
o'clock,) is quite delirious. Dear spirit! I have attended her night
and day since the evening of the 7th, on which she was taken ill, and
I allow no one else to approach her. The Lord is my only stay, my only
support, and he is a support indeed.
_May 11._--This night has been the most trying of my life. How hard
for the soul to see the object of its longest and best grounded
earthly affections suffering without the power of affording relief,
knowing too that a heavenly Father who has sent it, can relieve it,
and yet seems to turn a deaf ear to one's cries; at the same time, I
felt, in the depths of my soul's affections, that notwithstanding all,
he is a God of infinite love. Satan has sorely tried me, but the Lord
has shewn me, in the 22d Psalm, a more wonderful cry _apparently_
unheeded, and the Holy Ghost has given me the victory, and enabled me
to acquiesce in my Father's will, though I now see not the end of his
holy and blessed ways. Dear, dear spirit! she will soon wing her way
to where her heart has long been; and, if I am spared, I shall perhaps
have reason to bless God for having removed her thus early.
The plague has attacked two more of our household--the schoolmaster's
wife and our maid-servant, and how far it will go now, no one knows
but he who guides it by his sovereign will. My dearest Mary's
sufferings for four or five hours last night were great; she was quite
delirious, and her dear voice was so affected, that I could not make
out two words connectedly. How mysterious are God's ways! Oh my soul,
learn the lesson of patient submission to his holy will. I have cast
myself upon him and he will guide me. Dear Mary, to-day has been quite
insensible. It has indeed been a very painful day, but it is the
condition of this world. Dear spirit! her heart has been so set on her
Lord's coming of late, that it seemed quite to absorb her thoughts and
heart. And now she will quickly join the holy assembly that are
waiting to come with him. Surely such times as these, when the Lord is
taking a ripe shock of corn from your field, are seasons to rejoice
that your prayer for the quick accomplishment of the number of God's
elect has been heard, and yet how hard it is for nature not to feel
deep sorrow that a message has come for one of yours.
Poor dear Kitto and the little boys are now become the sole nurses of
the dear baby by night and by day. Oh, may the Lord watch over them
and bless them. My last night's attendance on my dear wife, leaves me
little hope of escaping the plague, unless it be our Father's special
will to preserve me, for in her delirium she required so many times to
be lifted from place to place, and to have all her clothes changed,
that I can now only cry to the Lord to preserve me, if it may be a
little while, for the dear children's sake.
The Lord has most graciously provided us with a servant of Mrs. T's.
to come and attend my dear Mary.[30] Oh may my soul bless him for this
timely help, just when our own servant was taken ill. This woman has
been in the midst of all the contagion, and has never taken it; so it
may be the Lord's will to shew how he can work even in the midst of
the darkest trials. She sits down beside the dear sufferer, keeps the
flies from her face, and does every thing for her the fondest heart
could desire. She came out with us from England, having gone there
with Mrs. T.; is a native of these countries, knows all that is
required in sickness, and how to perform the duties of a nurse, with
the most unwearied patience, tenderness, and watchfulness. She also
knows something of English, and having been with dear Mrs. T. in
England, is acquainted with English customs. Surely the Lord heard my
cry in the day of my deep distress, for such a person perhaps could
not be got again within a thousand miles. That she should have been
left too when all the rest went away. She has made dear Mary look so
comfortable; she washes her and changes her, who though insensible,
lies so quiet, and looks so composed. She said she knew the Lord would
be very gracious, and he has been so indeed--he sees it right to take
his sheep home to his fold; but he has so overwhelmed me by this proof
of his loving kindness, this ray of light arising in the midst of my
darkness, that it seems to have led my heart yet more and more to love
him and to confide in him, that he may yet stay his rough wind in the
day of his east wind. This kind friend, Mrs. T.'s servant, proposes to
remain with us until all our family are either well or dead.
[30] This servant was an old servant of Mrs. R.'s, and came
out with us, and was much attached to dear Mary.
_May 12._--Up to this day I am well, thank God, but seeing the ways of
the Lord are so marvellous, I have arranged all my little concerns,
and put them into the hands of dear Kitto, for the little boys and our
dear little baby, till they arrive at some of those places where there
may be some one to take care of them, and carry them to their
guardians or my trustees. But as poor Kitto is so little able to
provide even for himself, much less for the little boys, I shall now
endeavour, the Lord enabling me, to arrange with this woman, Mariam by
name, to undertake every thing for them till she can give them over
to Major T., to whose family she is going, unless they return here.
This woman was an old servant of dear Mrs. R. She has consented to
undertake this charge, and is to remain with the dear, dear children.
She knows enough of English to make herself understood by the dear
children, and she thoroughly understands the language, manners, and
habits of this people.--Whether it may ever be the Lord's will to call
into exercise the arrangements of this plan or not, I trust I never
shall forget the Lord's unspeakable mercy in shewing me, that when I
saw no earthly protector for my poor children, his holy, loving, and
fatherly hand could provide one if it were necessary. Oh, may my faith
in him in the darkest day never fail, for it is a light that springeth
up in darkness.
Dearest Mary is gradually sinking into the bosom of the Lord, and to
join in the society her soul has so long and so truly loved, of the
lovers of the Lamb of God. Though the Lord has taken away the desire
of my eyes, as it were with a stroke, and left me a few hours to cry
unto him in the midst of my deep, deep waters; yet these visions of
his love have so revived my soul, that my whole soul is brought to
acquiesce in his holy and fatherly arrangements, with respect to her
who was once the joy, the help, and companion of all in which I was
engaged. I sit down now to wait, and see the salvation of my God, for
doubtless he will reveal, in his own good time, the reason why he has
acted so contrary, not only to mine, but especially my dear wife's
strongest convictions, which were, that he would preserve us all safe
through this calamity.
When I now contemplate the spiritual state of dear Mary's mind for the
last twelve months, I am not at all surprised that the Lord has taken
her as a ripe shock of corn, but my expectation while watching her
spiritual progress was so different. I saw her daily growing in the
simple assurance of her Lord's love, and desiring under heaven neither
to know nor serve any other than him. Her heart was panting for the
Lord's coming, that the mystery of iniquity might be finished, and
the mystery of godliness be fully established; but I thought not of
all this being preparatory to her joining her Lord, but for the
strengthening of my poor weak hands here. It never entered my heart
that I was to be left alone, as far as earth is concerned, most alone.
Those friends for whom this journal is alone designed, know how much
she was to me, and how deservedly so: this, however, the Lord saw had
its great, great dangers too, and may in his infinite mercy to us both
have ripened her so rapidly for glory, and left me here to serve and
praise; for I have felt it was very, very hard to be as the Apostle
says, having a wife as though I had none. Now, when I go and look upon
her having reached within one short step, the habitation of all her
hopes; I have not a spiritual affection within my soul that would
call her back; but poor nature bows reluctantly its head.
The dear little baby also is but poorly. Her dear little cry of mamma,
mamma, cuts my poor heart like a knife, to think, that from to-day or
probably to-morrow, she must cease to know that endearing name, and
such a mother too! However, the Lord tells his children to leave their
fatherless, and doubtless motherless ones to him. Lord, I desire so to
do; for he is a dear and kind father, though _nature_ cannot always
see it, and indeed how could this be? for that which is _natural_ in
us is, not only in its will opposed to God, but even in its best
affections tainted from the fall. Were it not that the Lord whom we
love and serve, is as infinite in his compassions, as he is mysterious
in his ways, the days that must come when the excitement of present
suffering will be past, and my soul begins to look round and see the
extent of its desolations, in a country, too, where there is nothing
to comfort or cheer me, would appear to me too dark to be borne, did I
not know the Lord hath said, I will not leave you orphans, but I will
come unto you; so if he does come and dwell more sensibly within me,
even my poor dull and slow-growing spirit may soon be ripened and
gathered into his kingdom, there to join my dear departing spirit in
the realms of light.
_May 13._--My dearest wife has reached the light of another day,
still quietly sinking without a sigh and without a groan. This my
prayer for her in the night of my darkness the Lord has mercifully
heard. At present all the remaining ones of the family are well. I
have separated the dear little boys and Kitto, and allow them to hold
intercourse with none. The dear baby, and myself, and the maid, and
the little boy of our sick servant, are also much separated, and this
nurse, whom the Lord sent us, alone attends the sick; but yet so
contagious is this fearful disease, that when it has once entered your
dwelling, you can know no other safety than in your Lord's preserving
care. These are indeed days of trial, but doubtless they will have
their precious fruit in all God's children; for the eyes of the Lord
are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry--for the
Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants, therefore none of them that
trust in him shall be desolate--no, not even I, poor and worthless as
I am, I shall yet praise him who is the Lord of my life, and my God.
The dear boys also keep up their spirits much better than the first
two or three days after their dear mamma was taken ill. The magnitude
of present danger to themselves, and to all, in some measure divides
their thoughts, and prevents them from resting alone on that deeply
affecting prospect before them, for they loved her most truly, and,
Oh! how much reason had they to love her.
I have just heard that the streets begin again to be crowded, shops
here and there to be opened, and the gardeners are bringing things
from without into the city. To think that so near the end we should
have been thus visited, how mysterious! Yet my soul says, What thou
seest not, thou shalt see. If it does but lead to my Lord's glory, I
am sure it will lead to my dear sufferer's; then why should I repine?
Water is also reduced to 1s. 3d. the skin, the price it was at before.
For these proofs of mercy to the people, we will bless God in the
midst of our own personal sorrows.
_May 14._--This day dearest Mary's ransomed spirit took its seat among
those dressed in white, and her body was consigned to the earth that
gave it birth--a dark, heavy day to poor nature, but still the Lord
was the light and stay of it.
I cannot help exceedingly blessing my heavenly Father, however these
calamities (for to nature they are such, though not to the heirs of
glory) may end that he has allowed me to continue in health so long as
to see every thing done I could have desired, and so infinitely more
than I could have expected, for her whom I have so much reason to
love.
_May 15, 16._--I have heard to-day that the French Roman Catholic
Archbishop of Babylon has been dead a long time, and two of his
priests, and the remaining two fled. The poor schoolmaster's wife is
dying, and our servant I trust, recovering: the rest of our household
within and without, thank God, all continue in good health--even dear
little baby, though rather cross from want of amusement, and from her
teeth.
They say new cases of plague have almost entirely disappeared; may the
Lord grant its speedy disappearance altogether. We have had no
intelligence from the Taylors since their departure, which makes us
very anxious. As the waters are decreasing, the relics of those
families which fled are returning; and, in numberless cases, out of
eighteen in a family who left, only one or two return. The others died
in the greatest misery and destitution of all things, distressed by
the plague, the water, and scarcity, and the air in all the roads was
tainted from the immense number of dead bodies lying by the way.
I feel to-day many symptoms similar to those with which my dearest
Mary's illness commenced--pains in the head and heaviness, pains in
the back, and shooting pains through the glands and the arms. At
another time I should think only of them as the result of a common
cold; but now I know not how to discriminate, the beginnings are so
similar. Should these be my last lines in this journal, I desire to
ascribe all praise to the sovereign grace and unspeakable love of my
heavenly Father, who, from before the foundation of the world, set his
eye of redeeming love on me in the person of his dear and well-beloved
Son. I bless God for all the way he has led me; and vile and wretched
sinner as I feel I am, unworthily as I have in all my life served
him, yet I feel he has translated the affections of my inmost soul
from earth to heaven, from the creature to himself. As to the dear,
dear helpless children, I have committed them to his love, with the
full assurance that if he transplants me from hence to himself, to
join the partner of my earthly history, he will provide them much,
yea, very much better than I, or ten thousand fathers could do. To his
love and promises, then, in Christ Jesus, I leave them; and strange
and wonderful as his dealings appear, he has made my soul to acquiesce
in them. To all the family of the redeemed of the Lord, especially
those I know, I entreat you let your conversation be as it becometh
the gospel of Christ; always abound in his most holy work, for you
know your labour is not in vain in the Lord. Be as those who wait for
their Lord with your lamp trimmed, for shortly he who shall come will
come, and will not tarry. My soul embraces those I especially knew
with all its powers, and desires for them that Christ may exceedingly
be glorified in them, and by them, amen, and amen.
_May 17._--To-day the fever has almost entirely left me, so that I
feel a very little, except weakness, but never can I sufficiently
praise God for the experience of yesterday. I certainly never expected
again to have written in this journal, and few circumstances could
have apparently presented themselves more trying to the heart, to have
the prospect of soon leaving in a city like Bagdad, at this time,
three helpless children, and the impossibility of making those
provisions for them, which at another time might have been
comparatively easy, seemed altogether more than the heart could
support; yet so abundantly did the Lord allow his love to pass before
me, so fully did he assure me of his loving care, that I felt no doubt
for them--and, for myself, the prospect of soon joining him was
specially exhilarating. He allowed me to see my free and full
forgiveness and acceptance, and I never felt more the preciousness of
such a salvation as the Gospel of Jesus provides for the sinner, than
when I was as I thought, just entering eternity, to plead it as the
ground of my hope before God. There seemed such simplicity in having
only to believe you were redeemed by his love, and should be eternally
preserved by the same, instead of having to do with weighing the sum
of your beggarly services, all of which one hates now, and oh, how
shall we hate them when we see him face to face. May our dear Lord
make the promise he made to his disciples, good to my poor bereaved
heart, and come himself and fill it with his fulness, that having him
I may indeed feel I have all things.
_May 18._--Our poor servant died last night, notwithstanding our hopes
of her recovery, and has left one little orphan boy of seven years old
with us. Oh that I could think of her transition from hence to
eternity, and contemplate her, as the Lord to my unspeakable comfort
allows me to contemplate my dear, dear wife, dwelling in the light of
her Lord's countenance, where there is fulness of joy for evermore.
The schoolmaster has just told me, that out of forty relations, he has
now only four--the rest have all been swept away. The accounts we have
of the misery, in which many of these died who endeavoured to fly, is
truly heart-rending; with the water nearly half a yard high in their
tents, without victuals or the means of seeking or buying any, they
suffered every privation and misery that can be imagined, and one poor
family which has returned, described the intense desire they had to
return and die quietly in their houses. But return they could not, for
the waters had so risen that there was no road, and no boats could be
obtained, but at an immense price, which a few only could pay, and
very few obtain even at any price.
Oh! how many alleviations to the trials of parting with those we
loved, the Lord allowed us in permitting us to see them surrounded by
every comfort they could want, and with every attendance that could
alleviate a moment's uneasiness.
From the Taylors at Bussorah we have yet heard no accounts, and are
therefore most anxious to know how the Lord has been moving among
them. I have just heard that orders have come from Stamboul,[31] to
the Pashas marching against this Pasha, to desire them to return, and
that another messenger is on the way from Stamboul to bring his
annual dress of investiture. Should it be really thus, our dear
friends may soon be here from Aleppo; it would indeed be a great
comfort; but the Lord regards, in this dispensation, our real
advantage more than our sensible comfort, we therefore desire to leave
all to his Holy, gracious ordering, who, though he orders all things
after the counsel of his own free will, has no will towards us, but
that we should be filled with the fulness of Christ, and be conformed
to his image.
[31] Constantinople.
_May 19._--The water to-day has again fallen considerably in price,
and as far as we can judge, God has mercifully nearly extinguished
this desolating plague. I now feel quite satisfied the attack I had
the other day was an attack of the plague, though very slight. The
schoolmaster, yesterday, was attacked in the same way with a pain in
his back and head, and a pain in his glands, one of which is decidedly
enlarged, but still it is very slight, and I trust to-morrow, with the
Lord's blessing, to see him, with the exception of weakness, well
again. We are, thank God, all well; the only thing I now suffer from
is weakness and pain in the glands and under the arm, but there is no
enlargement, and I trust in a day or two it will go entirely away. I
heard, to-day, the Pasha had been ill of the plague this week; it is
now reported he is dead; but we know nothing certain. One of his sons
is also dead.
This has been a heavy day with my poor heart, so slow a scholar am I
under my dear Master's teaching. Yet I feel he will fill me with his
own most blessed presence, and then I shall be able to bear easily all
other bereavements. How strange it is that feeling should rule with so
much more power than principle, over the happiness of the soul, even
when the spirit still imparts strength to direct the conduct aright.
The feelings seize on the slightest recollection; and oh, what fuel
have they when every thing in the minutest daily occurrences, every
thing in the events passing around us, at once come directly on the
heart and press upon it; and when there is not a soul near, not only
not to supply all that is lost, but not even a portion of it, and yet
notwithstanding all this, that now weighs on me, I feel the Lord
himself will be yet more to me than all I have lost. I feel I have
been skimming too much on the surface of Christianity instead of being
clothed with Christ. Oh! what a child am I in the life of faith, but I
feel the Lord has my poor soul in his training, and though the
discipline may seem severe, it is only the severity of uncompromising
love.
_May 20._--This has been a day of mercies at the hand of the Most
High. For a day or two past, I had observed a little dust falling
through a creak in the wall, and although on any other occasion, it
would have excited no anxiety; yet, knowing the cellars were full of
water, I thought it better this morning early to take out all our
things from this room; it was our own, mine and dear Mary's, and
therefore contained all we had of clothing, &c.; the dear little boys
and the servant were helping me, and we had not finished taking out
the last things above ten minutes, when the whole arch on which the
room was built gave way--our little stock of things and ourselves
being all safe. Oh! my soul, bless the Lord who watcheth over the ways
of his children.