THE morning after these birthday rejoicings, Sir Peter and Lady
Chillingly held a long consultation on the peculiarities of their
heir, and the best mode of instilling into his mind the expediency
either of entertaining more pleasing views, or at least of professing
less unpopular sentiments; compatibly of course, though they did not
say it, with the new ideas that were to govern his century. Having
come to an agreement on this delicate subject, they went forth, arm in
arm, in search of their heir. Kenelm seldom met them at breakfast.
He was an early riser, and accustomed to solitary rambles before his
parents were out of bed.
The worthy pair found Kenelm seated on the banks of a trout-stream
that meandered through Chillingly Park, dipping his line into the
water, and yawning, with apparent relief in that operation.
"Does fishing amuse you, my boy?" said Sir Peter, heartily.
"Not in the least, sir," answered Kenelm.
"Then why do you do it?" asked Lady Chillingly.
"Because I know nothing else that amuses me more."
"Ah! that is it," said Sir Peter: "the whole secret of Kenelm's
oddities is to be found in these words, my dear; he needs amusement.
Voltaire says truly, 'Amusement is one of the wants of man.' And if
Kenelm could be amused like other people, he would be like other
people."
"In that case," said Kenelm, gravely, and extracting from the water a
small but lively trout, which settled itself in Lady Chillingly's
lap,--"in that case I would rather not be amused. I have no interest
in the absurdities of other people. The instinct of self-preservation
compels me to have some interest in my own."
"Kenelm, sir," exclaimed Lady Chillingly, with an animation into which
her tranquil ladyship was very rarely betrayed, "take away that horrid
damp thing! Put down your rod and attend to what your father says.
Your strange conduct gives us cause of serious anxiety."
Kenelm unhooked the trout, deposited the fish in his basket, and
raising his large eyes to his father's face, said, "What is there in
my conduct that occasions you displeasure?"
"Not displeasure, Kenelm," said Sir Peter, kindly, "but anxiety; your
mother has hit upon the right word. You see, my dear son, that it is
my wish that you should distinguish yourself in the world. You might
represent this county, as your ancestors have done before. I have
looked forward to the proceedings of yesterday as an admirable
occasion for your introduction to your future constituents. Oratory
is the talent most appreciated in a free country, and why should you
not be an orator? Demosthenes says that delivery, delivery, delivery,
is the art of oratory; and your delivery is excellent, graceful,
self-possessed, classical."
"Pardon me, my dear father, Demosthenes does not say delivery, nor
action, as the word is commonly rendered; he says, 'acting, or
stage-play,'--the art by which a man delivers a speech in a feigned
character, whence we get the word hypocrisy. Hypocrisy, hypocrisy,
hypocrisy! is, according to Demosthenes, the triple art of the orator.
Do you wish me to become triply a hypocrite?"
"Kenelm, I am ashamed of you. You know as well as I do that it is
only by metaphor that you can twist the word ascribed to the great
Athenian into the sense of hypocrisy. But assuming it, as you say, to
mean not delivery, but acting, I understand why your debut as an
orator was not successful. Your delivery was excellent, your acting
defective. An orator should please, conciliate, persuade, prepossess.
You did the reverse of all this; and though you produced a great
effect, the effect was so decidedly to your disadvantage that it would
have lost you an election on any hustings in England."
"Am I to understand, my dear father," said Kenelm, in the mournful and
compassionate tones with which a pious minister of the Church reproves
some abandoned and hoary sinner,--"am I to understand that you would
commend to your son the adoption of deliberate falsehood for the gain
of a selfish advantage?"
"Deliberate falsehood! you impertinent puppy!"
"Puppy!" repeated Kenelm, not indignantly but musingly,--"puppy! a
well-bred puppy takes after its parents."
Sir Peter burst out laughing.
Lady Chillingly rose with dignity, shook her gown, unfolded her
parasol, and stalked away speechless.
"Now, look you, Kenelm," said Sir Peter, as soon as he had composed
himself. "These quips and humours of yours are amusing enough to an
eccentric man like myself, but they will not do for the world; and how
at your age, and with the rare advantages you have had in an early
introduction to the best intellectual society, under the guidance of a
tutor acquainted with the new ideas which are to influence the conduct
of statesmen, you could have made so silly a speech as you did
yesterday, I cannot understand."
"My dear father, allow me to assure you that the ideas I expressed are
the new ideas most in vogue,--ideas expressed in still plainer, or, if
you prefer the epithet, still sillier terms than I employed. You will
find them instilled into the public mind by 'The Londoner' and by most
intellectual journals of a liberal character."
"Kenelm, Kenelm, such ideas would turn the world topsy-turvy."
"New ideas always do tend to turn old ideas topsy-turvy. And the
world, after all, is only an idea, which is turned topsy-turvy with
every successive century."
"You make me sick of the word 'ideas.' Leave off your metaphysics and
study real life."
"It is real life which I did study under Mr. Welby. He is the
Archimandrite of Realism. It is sham life which you wish me to study.
To oblige you I am willing to commence it. I dare say it is very
pleasant. Real life is not; on the contrary--dull," and Kenelm yawned
again.
"Have you no young friends among your fellow-collegians?"
"Friends! certainly not, sir. But I believe I have some enemies, who
answer the same purpose as friends, only they don't hurt one so much."
"Do you mean to say that you lived alone at Cambridge?"
"No, I lived a good deal with Aristophanes, and a little with Conic
Sections and Hydrostatics."
"Books. Dry company."
"More innocent, at least, than moist company. Did you ever get drunk,
sir?"
"Drunk!"
"I tried to do so once with the young companions whom you would
commend to me as friends. I don't think I succeeded, but I woke with
a headache. Real life at college abounds with headache."
"Kenelm, my boy, one thing is clear: you must travel."
"As you please, sir. Marcus Antoninus says that it is all one to a
stone whether it be thrown upwards or downwards. When shall I start?"
"Very soon. Of course there are preparations to make; you should have
a travelling companion. I don't mean a tutor,--you are too clever and
too steady to need one,--but a pleasant, sensible, well-mannered young
person of your own age."
"My own age,--male or female?"
Sir Peter tried hard to frown. The utmost he could do was to reply
gravely, "FEMALE! If I said you were too steady to need a tutor, it
was because you have hitherto seemed little likely to be led out of
your way by female allurements. Among your other studies may I
inquire if you have included that which no man has ever yet thoroughly
mastered,--the study of women?"
"Certainly. Do you object to my catching another trout?"
"Trout be--blessed, or the reverse. So you have studied woman. I
should never have thought it. Where and when did you commence that
department of science?"
"When? ever since I was ten years old. Where? first in your own
house, then at college. Hush!--a bite," and another trout left its
native element and alighted on Sir Peter's nose, whence it was
solemnly transferred to the basket.
"At ten years old, and in my own house! That flaunting hussy Jane,
the under-housemaid--"
"Jane! No, sir. Pamela, Miss Byron, Clarissa,--females in
Richardson, who, according to Dr. Johnson, 'taught the passions to
move at the command of virtue.' I trust for your sake that Dr. Johnson
did not err in that assertion, for I found all these females at night
in your own private apartments."
"Oh!" said Sir Peter, "that's all?"
"All I remember at ten years old," replied Kenelm.
"And at Mr. Welby's or at college," proceeded Sir Peter, timorously,
"was your acquaintance with females of the same kind?"
Kenelm shook his head. "Much worse: they were very naughty indeed at
college."
"I should think so, with such a lot of young fellows running after
them."
"Very few fellows run after the females. I mean--rather avoid them."
"So much the better."
"No, my father, so much the worse; without an intimate knowledge of
those females there is little use going to college at all."
"Explain yourself."
"Every one who receives a classical education is introduced into their
society,--Pyrrha and Lydia, Glycera and Corinna, and many more of the
same sort; and then the females in Aristophanes, what do you say to
them, sir?"
"Is it only females who lived two thousand or three thousand years
ago, or more probably never lived at all, whose intimacy you have
cultivated? Have you never admired any real women?"
"Real women! I never met one. Never met a woman who was not a sham,
a sham from the moment she is told to be pretty-behaved, conceal her
sentiments, and look fibs when she does not speak them. But if I am
to learn sham life, I suppose I must put up with sham women."
"Have you been crossed in love that you speak so bitterly of the sex?"
"I don't speak bitterly of the sex. Examine any woman on her oath,
and she'll own she is a sham, always has been, and always will be, and
is proud of it."
"I am glad your mother is not by to hear you. You will think
differently one of these days. Meanwhile, to turn to the other sex,
is there no young man of your own rank with whom you would like to
travel?"
"Certainly not. I hate quarrelling."
"As you please. But you cannot go quite alone: I will find you a good
travelling-servant. I must write to town to-day about your
preparations, and in another week or so I hope all will be ready.
Your allowance will be whatever you like to fix it at; you have never
been extravagant, and--boy--I love you. Amuse yourself, enjoy
yourself, and come back cured of your oddities, but preserving your
honour."
Sir Peter bent down and kissed his son's brow. Kenelm was moved; he
rose, put his arm round his father's shoulder, and lovingly said, in
an undertone, "If ever I am tempted to do a base thing, may I remember
whose son I am: I shall be safe then." He withdrew his arm as he said
this, and took his solitary way along the banks of the stream,
forgetful of rod and line.