MISGIVINGS.
"Coquets, leave off affected arts,
Gay fowlers at a flock of hearts;
Woodcocks to shun your snares have skill,
You show so plain, you strive to kill.
In love the heartless catch the game,
And they scarce miss, who never aim."
GREEN.
How often it happens that in realising our fondest hopes, we experience
not the happiness we expected.
Each and all of us, at some unhappy period of our lives, have been led
to exclaim, "Ah! if this state of uncertainty were but at an end, this
suspense over. Let the worst come, we are prepared for it: it cannot
make us more miserable than we are." Yet fortified as we deem ourselves
against the worst, braced up as it were, and prepared for aught that may
happen; how feeble we are, at the very best, when the ruin, sickness,
death of those we love, or whatever sorrow it may be, overtakes us; how
often--always--unequal to bear the blow. Then we sigh for our former
state of uncertainty; it was bliss compared to our present grief, when,
fancying ourselves prepared for the worst, gentle hope filled our
hearts, and bade us look trustfully onwards for bright smiles, wreathed
with roses; where, alas! we found only tears beneath a crown of thorns.
"Such is life;
The distant prospect always seems more fair;
And when attained, another still succeeds,
Far fairer than before,--yet compassed round
With the same dangers and the same dismay;
And we poor pilgrims in this dreary maze,
Still discontented, chase the fairy form
Of unsubstantial happiness, to find,
When life itself is sinking in the strife,
'Tis but an airy bubble and a cheat."
Thus it was with Amy Neville. She had been uneasy and unhappy at not
hearing from her mother; evil forebodings had filled her heart, and all
kinds of imaginary fancies her brain. She had sighed again and again but
for one short letter of explanation, clearing away her mother's
mysterious silence, and lifting the veil that seemed to hang so gloomily
and heavily between her and her home.
It came. It had arrived the evening before. It was the letter Mrs.
Hopkins had forgotten to give her, and had placed on her dressing table,
and there Amy found it on retiring for the night.
How eagerly she seized and perused its contents, read and re-read every
word of it, till her eyes ached and swam with tears, and she could no
longer trace the handwriting on the sheet of paper. Then wearily she
crept to bed, and placing the letter beneath her pillow, so as to be
able to read it again the first thing in the morning, fell into a
troubled sleep, with but one thought at her heart, and that one, that
her beloved parent had been ill,--very ill.
The letter was from Mrs. Elrington, assuring her that although Mrs.
Neville had been seriously ill, all danger was over now, and the invalid
in a fair way of recovery; yet Amy, whose eyes were heavy with recent
tears and unrefreshing rest, could scarcely reconcile to herself that it
was so, and how her heart beat as she read an account of her mother's
sufferings. How gladly would she have watched by the sick bed, and
ministered to her relief. How gladly have shared with Mrs. Elrington in
the kind attentions and unremitting care she knew she had bestowed on
her good and gentle parent.
Mrs. Elrington's letter was kindly and thoughtfully worded, well
calculated to soothe and tranquillise an anxious daughter's heart.
Mrs. Neville, she said, had certainly been very ill, though not in any
immediate danger. It had been her express wish throughout that Amy
should not be told of her illness, as there was no necessity for her
incurring an expensive journey at such an inclement season of the year;
"and," continued Mrs. Elrington, "your mother rightly judged that had
you known she was ill, your anxiety would have been great if not allowed
to share in nursing her. Thank God, she is able to leave her room, and
now reclines on a sofa in the little parlour, and is gradually regaining
her usual strength, though we must not expect her to become well all at
once; but I hope in a few weeks she will be able to occupy her usual
seat as of old, in the easy chair by the fire-side, which said chair
Sarah is very busy making a new chintz cover for, in readiness for the
invalid, and in honour of the day when she first sits up. So dear Amy,"
concluded Mrs. Elrington, "you must keep up your spirits and your roses,
or your mother will outvie you in both when you see her again, and be
sure that I will send for you at once, should she not go on as well as
we could wish."
And with this letter Amy was obliged to rest satisfied, though for many
days after that she grew nervous and restless as the hour for the post
drew near; and could scarcely control the impatient desire she felt to
walk half way down the road to Standale to meet the postman. Once she
did walk down.
Though now approaching the end of January, it was quite like a November
day--foggy, with a thick drizzling rain falling, yet Amy heeded it not,
but walked quickly on, wrapped in a thick seal-skin cloak. She passed
through the village and reached the turnpike gate. Here at the cottage
door stood William Hodge.
"A nasty damp day, Miss," said he, touching his hat civilly.
"Yes," replied Amy, "quite a change from the cold, frosty, snowy weather
we have had."
"We shall have more rain yet, I'm thinking."
"I hope not. How are Mrs. Marks and her husband?"
"Well. Very well, thank'ee, Miss."
"Are they from home, that you have charge of the Gate?" asked Amy,
surprised at seeing a stranger.
"Mrs. Marks is, Miss, and that's why I'm here. I'm keeping house with
her husband while she's away. Her mother's took very bad."
"I am sorry to hear that; but I hope it is nothing serious?"
"Well I don't expect anyhow she'll get over it, Miss, she ought to be
dead by this time, and if she isn't I can't bide here no longer, I must
be turning about home. Mrs. Marks promised fairly enough to bide only a
week, and it's near upon three by my calculations. She's going to bring
back a sister along with her, one that's dazed," and he tapped his
forehead with a knowing look.
"A sad charge," replied Amy, "and one rather unsuited to Mrs. Marks."
"I don't know that, Miss. Yer see neighbours think Jane wouldn't be so
bad if she worn't humoured, and she ain't likely to get much of that
down here. To my thinking Mrs. Marks is just the right sort to cure her;
she'd racket any poor body to their senses, if 'twas possible."
"Has Mrs. Marks' sister always been in such a sad state?"
"All as I can tell yer, Miss, is, she worn't born so, it's comed on her
since, and when I've said that I've said all I do know about it. Her
mother comed down years ago now to Deane,--that's my home, Miss,--with
three daughters. Mrs. Marks was one of 'em, she married off, and came
down here with her husband. Then t'other one she married too, but as for
Jane, she never had no chance of a husband, for who'd marry a 'dafty,'
Miss? They was pretty close people, and never wagged their tongues with
nobody, so nobody knew nothing at all about them nor where they comed
from; only folks make a guess at things somehow; and down at Deane they
thinks they comed from Stasson, a place none so far from this neither;
and more than that Miss, that Jane was the reason why they comed so
sudden and secret, like; but there, if they thought the sight of a new
place 'ould cure Jane they was mighty mistaken, for from that day to
this she've never been no good at all to them, and to my thinking never
will be."
"It's a sad story, indeed," replied Amy.
"You may depend upon it, Miss, if we knew the rights of it, it's a
_bad_, as well as a sad story, but there, I've no call to say so. For
certain, Miss, there's a something very strange and mysterious 'bout
Jane. Perhaps the Brampton folks'll turn out more cute than the Deane
ones, and find out what 'tis. It's on my mind, and has been scores of
times, that Jane's mortal afeard of summut or other."
Amy smiled at Hodge's suspicions, and passed on.
Marks did not make his appearance, fond of a gossip as he was, and of
saying good-morrow to everyone who passed through the 'pike. Probably
the "Brampton Arms" was too strong a temptation, and,--as Hodge had
predicted it would be,--he was taking his swing there while he could,
though three weeks was rather a long time to be intoxicated; but then
there was the better chance of his being sober when Mrs. Marks did
return, and he should begin to try the effect of the "charm."
On Amy went. The road seemed quite deserted, not a soul to be seen, even
the donkeys which usually grazed along the hedges were nowhere.
As Amy walked on her thoughts unconsciously wandered towards Jane and
the strange account Hodge had given of her, and anxious as she was about
her mother's letter, her mind was almost as much occupied now with Mrs.
Marks' sister. She and the letter seemed irretrievably mixed up together
in hopeless confusion. The fact was, Hodge had excited Amy's curiosity
without being able to satisfy it in the smallest degree, so she was
making innumerable conjectures at the truth, all more or less improbable
when they came to be analysed. _Would_ the Brampton people be more
clever than the Deane ones, and find out what seemed such a puzzle, and,
as Hodge said, mystery to everyone? There was Mrs. Taylor, the village
chatterbox, she surely would ferret it out, and what a wonderful tale
she would make of it. Amy thought she would call at her cottage some
day and broach the subject, and hear what she had to say about it. It
could do no harm to hear what the village gossip said of poor crazy Jane
and her sorrowful story.
As she arrived at this conclusion, a horseman came in sight. It was
Charles Linchmore. He was almost close by ere he recognised her. Then he
drew rein.
"Miss Neville!" he exclaimed, in surprise, "surely after your illness it
is hardly prudent for you to be out on so damp a day."
"It will not harm me," replied Amy.
"Are you going much further? You will find it very dirty walking. Would
it not be wiser to return home?"
"No, I think not, as least not just yet; I am too anxious to remain at
home. The walk will do me good."
"I doubt that last assertion very much. It can do no one good being out
in such weather," and dismounting, he walked by her side.
"Why did you venture?" she asked.
"I? Oh, nothing brings me to grief. I am a soldier, and ought to rough
it."
"Are ladies in your opinion so fragile that a slight shower will wash
them away?"
"This is not a slight shower, Miss Neville, but a nasty, misty rain,
that does a deal more damage than a heavy down-pour."
"I do not agree with you. The one is certainly disagreeable, but the
other thoroughly drenches, and is more than disagreeable--it makes one
out of temper."
"I have thought more than once that that latter assertion of yours is
with you an impossibility."
"Ah! you were never more deceived. I am feeling vexed now," replied Amy.
"Now?" returned Charles.
"Yes. I have been terribly anxious all day, and it vexes me to hear
anyone say I should return home, when I have come out purposely to get
rid of my weariful thoughts. I know such a damp mist as this will never
harm me half as much as they would."
Charles waited, hoping she would say more, but she did not, so he broke
the silence.
"I have been to see Grant," he said.
"I trust there has been no more fuss with the poachers?"
"No," replied he carelessly, "but it seems they expect an attack
to-night, that is, they are going out in expectation of something of the
kind."
"Of a fight with the poachers?"
"Yes; they had scent of them last night, but did not come up with any.
To-night they hope for better luck, and Grant and a lot of the game
watchers are going in quest."
"It seems to me such a sad way of risking one's life," said Amy.
"Property must be protected, Miss Neville. None of these fellows going
out to-night go with the idea of losing their lives."
"Perhaps not; but look at the fate of poor Susan's husband."
"You mean the man who was shot? That is a bad spoke to put in the wheel
of your argument, as his sad end has only urged on those who are left to
annihilate such a set of ruffians. I have half made up my mind to join
in the night expedition."
"You!" exclaimed Amy hastily, "pray do not think of such a thing," and
then fearing she had said too much--betrayed too deep an interest in his
welfare, added, "every one would think it foolish!"
"Would you?" he asked.
"I? oh yes! of course I should, and besides, every one would be so
anxious. What would Mrs. Linchmore say?"
"My brother's wife's opinion is naught to me. Would _you_ be anxious,
Miss Neville?"
"I shall be anxious for all those who put their lives in jeopardy
to-night," replied Amy, coldly, "And now as I see nothing of the
postman, I think I will turn back."
"Are you expecting a very important letter?" asked he, harshly, his
jealousy creeping to the very tops of his fingers. Surely it must be
some one she cared very much about, to induce a walk in such weather.
"My mother is ill," replied Amy.
The words were simple enough, but he fancied they were spoken in a
reproachful tone; or otherwise his suspicions at an end, he was ready to
accuse himself. Disarmed at once, he was too generous not to make the
one atonement in his power. Springing on his horse, he exclaimed,--
"I will fetch the letter for you, Miss Neville," and was out of sight in
a moment.
Amy turned, and retraced her steps homewards, thinking he would soon
overtake her, as it was past four o'clock, and the postman always
reached the Park by half-past, so that he must of necessity be some way
on his road when Charles would come up with him. But no, she walked on,
reached the turnpike, and next the village; and then she loitered, went
on slowly, and at length stopped and looked back. Still no signs of
him.
She went on more slowly still, through the village, and at last, delay
as she would, reached the park gates; then an anxious, restless
expression came over her face, she began to feel nervous, as she always
did now when the chance of meeting or seeing Frances Strickland
presented itself, with ever that one fear at her heart, that she should
know or find out Charles Linchmore was doing her any act of kindness,
however simple, and in revenge, tell him what she suspected and accused
her of.
Amy hesitated ere she entered the park. Should she retrace her steps?
She turned as if to do so, then the thought came across her, what if he
should think she wished him to walk home with her? Hurriedly she went
through the gate, and tried to shake off the fear she felt of being seen
with him, but the very speed she walked at now, showed she could not,
while, instead of walking up the long avenue, she struck across the
park.
But all to no purpose, for just as she emerged again into the drive,
close to the house, a horse's hoofs rang out over the ground, and
Charles Linchmore came up with her, his horse bespattered with mud, as
though he had ridden hard and fast.
"Here is your letter, Miss Neville," said he, "I almost feared I should
miss you, and that you would have reached home," and again he
dismounted, so that there was no chance of escape, or of hurrying on.
"I am sorry you should have had so much trouble on my account, Mr.
Linchmore, thank you very much for my letter," and her eyes brightened,
as at length she recognized her mother's hand writing on the envelope.
"I am fully repaid by seeing the pleasure the sight of the letter gives
you."
"Yes, it is my mother's writing, so she must be better."
"You would have had it sooner, but there had been some accident or delay
with the train, I did not stop to hear what. It had not arrived long
before I got there."
"Had you to go all the way to Standale? How very kind of you!"
"Not at all. It was just as well you turned back," and he pointed
smilingly at the muddy state of his boots.
"I think it very kind indeed of you," replied Amy again, and then wished
she had never said it, because he looked so more than pleased.
They were close to the house now; to the windows of which Amy dared not
raise her eyes, but hurriedly wished him "good-bye."
"I will get your letters for you every day, Miss Neville," he said, as
he pressed her hand rather warmly in his.
"No, no. Do not think of it for a moment," she said, and passed on.
That evening, when Amy took her pupils down stairs, she found on
entering the drawing-room, all the ladies clustered around Mrs.
Linchmore.
"Such a piece of work, Miss Neville," said Anne, advancing from the
circle, and going over to her, "here are all the men wild to go on a
poaching expedition--so fool-hardy, isn't it?"
"What does Mr. Linchmore say to it?"
"He's going too, I believe. It is all that abominable Charles's doing;
he came home with some fine story or another Grant had told him, and
sent all the rest mad. I call it downright folly."
"I met Mr. Charles Linchmore this afternoon," replied Amy, "and he
mentioned his intention of going with Grant, but I thought little of it
then, as I fancied it would most likely fall to the ground when the time
for action came."
"You were wrong, then. For the plan was seized on with avidity as soon
as proposed, but I am surprised at Mr. Linchmore, I did not for one
moment think he would have seconded it. As for Charles, any hairbreadth
danger pleases him. I do not believe he has ever been in a real fight,
so he thinks to try a mock one."
"I hope it may simply prove such," replied Amy, "but the last was
anything but a mock fight; I do not think you were here at the time, but
I dare say you may have heard of it."
"Yes, and it is just that that makes us all fearful; as to Frances, she
is just wild about it, I know, but to look in her face you would think
her a piece of adamant, for aught you can find written there. I wish
Charles would give it up; I think if we could only get him to throw cold
water on it, the rest would soon follow his example. Do you mind helping
me to try, Miss Neville?" asked Anne, knowing full well in her own heart
that Amy's voice would have its full weight with one of the gentlemen at
least.
But Amy declined. She felt she dared not so brave Frances; and Anne,
after expressing her belief in her unkindness, left her.
Frances' face did look like adamant, so still and set; and yet she was
feeling at her heart, more perhaps than any one there present in that
large room. Would her voice have any weight with Charles? Would he stay
behind if she asked him? While a chill fear crept over her as the
thought flew through her of what might happen if he went; might not his
fate be that of the man they had spoken of so recently? might he not be
brought home even as he was--lifeless--and she never see him more? and
then what would life be worth to her? As she watched him in the circle
round Mrs. Linchmore, laughing and joking, and turning the fears of
those near him into ridicule, she felt that now he was so near danger he
was nearer and dearer to her heart than he had ever been before. He
should not, must not go, if she could prevent it.
Presently he moved away from the rest. She went and joined him.
"Charles," she began, "are you really in earnest?"
"About what, Frances?"
"Determined on this expedition in spite of all opposition?"
"Of course I am. What made you think otherwise?"
"I thought you might have been persuaded to stay."
"Then you thought wrong, cousin," said he, laughingly.
"It is surely no laughing matter, when we are all so anxious."
"It is that very circumstance makes me laugh. We must not show craven
hearts just because women cry and sob."
"But we are not doing anything of the kind."
"At heart some of you are."
"I am not for one," replied she, indignantly annoyed that he should
suspect her.
"Then why ask me to stay?"
"Because you were the one who started the expedition; and if you say
nay, all the rest will."
"And think me a fool for my pains. No, Frances, what needs--must. I
shall not draw back now, it is not my way, as you know; I am sorry for
you, if any one is going you particularly care about. I'd have my eye on
him if I knew who he was, but I don't."
This to her? Frances could have wept with vexation. Was it possible he
did not see it was for himself she was anxious? Perhaps she did look a
little reproachfully as she replied, somewhat sorrowfully,
"No one is going I care about. Only take care of _yourself_, Charles."
At another moment the words might have struck him, and perhaps sent
conviction into his heart; but now?--
"Then do as I told my brother's wife just now," he replied; "have supper
ready for us by the time we come back; I'll answer for our doing justice
to it."
"Can you think of nothing but eating and drinking?" she asked, bitterly
and yet could have thrown herself on her knees, and implored and
besought him to stay. Ah! if only in days gone by she could have allowed
her warmer nature to have had play, have crushed out her pride and
stubbornness, things might have been different between them, and she
have been dearer to him; now she was his cousin, nothing more, and with
no thought of what she was suffering, he turned away without any reply,
rather annoyed at her words than otherwise.
A few moments later he joined Amy.
"I trust you do not give me credit for being such a sinner as the rest
of your sex do? or throw all the onus of this expedition on me, Miss
Neville?"
"Every one seems to think it originated with you."
"Perhaps it did; but then every one need not follow in my footsteps.
Surely I am not answerable for any one but myself?"
"It seems," replied Amy, evading his question, "to have thrown a damp on
every one's spirits. I suppose it must be undertaken now?"
"If you had said the last words to me to-day, Miss Neville, it might
have been different."
Then, as she made no reply, he added, "You do not ask me to stay."
"I would do so, if I thought you could retreat honourably."
"And you do not think so? You do not blame me for going?"
"Certainly not. Things have proceeded too far. You must go. I am only
sorry to see so many sad faces."
"Thank you, Miss Neville, those are my own feelings entirely. I am in no
way to blame for the actions of others, and should have gone myself,
whether or no. Good-bye.--God bless you!" he added, softly, as he held
her hand in his.
It was only for a moment; even Frances could not have found fault with
the length of time he held it, and Amy scarcely felt the pressure of his
fingers; yet she felt and saw the mark his ring had made as his hand
clasped hers so tightly; felt and thought of it for many days after
that.
Nearly all the gentlemen passed out after Charles. Robert Vavasour
hesitated as he drew near the spot where Amy sat; but she did not look
up from the book she held in her hand; and, after a moment's delay, he,
too, went out, and most of the ladies followed.
"Are you not going Alfred?" asked his sister, advancing towards an easy
chair, near the fire where he had made himself especially snug.
"What's all the row about?" said he.
"You know as well as I do. What is the use of pretending ignorance? Are
you going or no?"
"Have they all been such fools as to go?"
"Most of them have."
"What a confounded shame not to let a man enjoy a quiet evening. I
suppose I must go with the rest, but it is a deuced bore all the same."
"You think everything a bore that entails a little trouble."
"Yes, I do. That fellow Charles ought to know better than to drag us out
against a rascally set of low ruffians."
"Don't work yourself into a rage," said his sister, "it is not worth
while."
"No, of course not," replied he, yawning and closing his book. "Well I
suppose I must be off, so here goes."
"I ought to have been born the man, not you," said Frances,
contemptuously.
"With all my heart," said he, "and what an easy life I would have had of
it."
"I do not find my life such a very easy one. You had better make haste
if you are going. There, they have opened the hall door."
"I'll owe Charles a grudge for this," said he, rising slowly, and
seemingly in no hurry to be off, "turning us all out on such a damp,
dirty night. As black as pitch too," said he, as he reached the hall,
and glanced through the half-opened door.
His sister helped him on with his great coat, he grumbling all the
while, and vowing they ought to go to bed, instead of going out on such
a fool's errand, risking their lives for sheer humbug, as far as he
could see.
His sister listened in silence, and then said suddenly,--
"Take care of Charles, Alfred, will you?"
"Oh, yes," he replied; "and who will take care of me, I should like to
know? I may get a sly dig in the ribs, while looking after my
neighbours."
"No, no, you will be safe, but he is so rash and foolhardy. Do take care
of him Alfred, promise me you will?" and she laid her hand entreatingly
on his arm as she spoke.
He looked surprised as he heard her words and noticed the action, and
turning round, caught a glimpse of her pale face.
"Well, don't look like that, Frances; I'll make no promises, but I'll
try and do the best I can for you. Good-bye."
And he, too, was gone. They were all gone, and Frances turned again into
the drawing-room, where Amy still sat apparently so quiet and still, but
inwardly listening intently to the last foot-fall; the last faint echo
of one voice. Now she lost it,--again it reached her ear--was gone!