(_Suggested by Burns._)
"My foot is on Newmarket Heath!
My name, JEM LOWTHER!"
* * * * *
The benefits that Sir JOHN LAWES has been able and will yet be able to
confer on agriculturists everywhere, including those in his immediate
neighbourhood, cause him to be regarded as a living exception to the rule
about a prophet in his own country. So, in that part of England, "Profit
and LAWES" are synonymous terms, meaning the same person.
* * * * *
"HAPPINESS IN----FOLKESTONE."
["He said, 'Go and be----' I accordingly went and stayed at Folkestone."
_See last Thursday's "Daily News;" Evidence in the De Walden Case._]
Thrice happy Town Council! when pestered to pave,
Remember this fact that her Ladyship mentions.
Intend, but do nothing; your rates you can save
By paving your streets with the best of intentions.
* * * * *
HITHERTO UNREPORTED.--Mr. GLADSTONE and Mr. ASQUITH received deputations on
the Eight Hours' Question last Friday. The chief speakers were Mr. PARROT
and Mr. ONIONS. Mr. G. observed that in all his vast experience, frequently
as he had tasted a savoury dish of rabbit and onions, yet the combination
of Parrot with Onions was something really novel. Perhaps Mr. PARROT would
be useful at any bye-election, and would give them the state of the poll.
As to Mr. ONIONS, well, he (Mr. G.) hadn't words of welcome sufficiently
strong for him. Why hadn't he brought "BRER RABBIT" with him? In
approaching the Eight Hours' Question, no time must be lost, so he would at
once proceed to business.
* * * * *
[Illustration: FROM OUR VILLAGE.
_Mrs. Sharply_ (_to the Doctor, who has looked in, having heard that her
"good man" is ailing_). "NO, I THANK YE, SIR. YOU SEE I'VE HEERD OF YOU,
SIR, AS YOU'VE BEEN 'PRAC_TI_SING' HERE FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS, AND SO
I'D RATHER YOU WENT 'PRAC_TI_SING' ELSEWHERE, AS I DON'T WANT NO
_'SPERIMENTS_ ON MY OLD MAN!"]
* * * * *
At a recent Monday Pop Concert, Mr. BORWICK put any amount of
powder--everyone has seen or heard of Borwick's Powder--into his
performance of "_Suite Anglaise_." As a pretty lady observed, "He might
just as well, or better, have put the name in English, and called it, '_The
Sweet English Girl_.'" Messrs. JOACHIM, RIES, STRAUSS, and PIATTI, played a
string-quartette in C Sharp Minor, and out of respect to the Ecclesiastical
Season of the year, they gave marked prominence to the "_Lento_" in G.
Flat.
* * * * *
A GENUINE BUILDING SOCIETY.--The Birds, just now. And its members are not
even waiting for a Re-leaf Fund, which will, however, soon come, with "the
flowers that bloom in the Spring, tra-la!"
* * * * *
THE G. O. M. FROM A MUSICAL POINT OF VIEW.--When preternaturally alert, he
is "Mr. G. Sharp." When depressed, he is "Mr. G. Flat." When himself again,
he is "Mr. G. Natural." As being second son, he is "G. Minor." He is also
_hors ligne_. But he refuses to be musically translated to the House of
Lords, and become "The Upper G."
* * * * *
_Q._ What is the difference between a lover asking the object of his
affections to marry him, and a guest who ventures to hint to his host that
the Pommery '80 is rather corked?
_A._ The one pops the question, the other questions the pop.
* * * * *
Mrs. R. saw the heading of a paragraph in the _Times_, of Monday. Feb. 27,
"Jade in Upper Burmah." She laid the paper down, and exclaimed, "Dear me! I
wonder who she is!"
* * * * *
If we ever do adopt Bimetallism, it is evident, from Mr. GLADSTONE'S
masterly speech, that holders of Consols will obtain very little
consol-ation.
* * * * *