CORRESPONDENT (writing). The proprietor of the café, desiring to
increase his profits from the sale of alcoholic beverages, exploits the
best human sentiments.--The people's indignation--
UNKNOWN MAN (angrily). Boss, will you have me taken off at once or won't
you?
HOTEL KEEPER. What do you want up there? Aren't you satisfied? Didn't I
have you taken off at night?
UNKNOWN MAN. Well, I should say so. You think I'd be hanging here
nights, too!
HOTEL OWNER. Then you can stand it a few minutes longer. The people are
bored--
TALL TOURIST. Say, have you any idea of what you have done? Do you
realize the enormity of it? You are scoundrels, who for your own sordid
personal ends have impiously exploited the finest human sentiment, love
of one's neighbor. You have caused us to undergo fear and suffering. You
have poisoned our hearts with pity. And now, what is the upshot of it
all? The upshot is that this scamp, your vile accomplice, is bound to
the rock and not only will he not fall as everybody expects, but he
_can't_.
MILITARY WOMAN. What is the matter? He has got to fall.
TOURIST. Policeman! Policeman!
(The pastor enters, out of breath.)
PASTOR. What? Is he still living? Oh, there he is! What fakirs those
Salvationists are.
VOICES. Don't you know that he is bound?
PASTOR. Bound! Bound to what? To life? Well, we are all bound to life
until death snaps the cord. But whether he is bound or not bound, I
reconciled him with heaven, and that's enough. But those fakirs--
TOURIST. Policeman! Policeman, you must draw up an official report.
There is no way out of it.
MILITARY WOMAN (going for the hotel owner). I will not allow myself to
be fooled. I saw an aeronaut drop from the clouds and go crash upon a
roof. I saw a tiger tear a woman to pieces--
PHOTOGRAPHER. I spoiled three films photographing that scamp. You will
have to answer for this, sir. I will hold you responsible.
TOURIST. An official report! An official report! Such a bare-faced
deception. Mary, Jimmie, Aleck, Charlie, call a policeman.
HOTEL KEEPER (drawing back, in despair). But, I can't make him fall if
he doesn't want to. I did everything in my power, ladies and gentlemen!
MILITARY WOMAN. I will not allow it.
HOTEL KEEPER. Excuse me. I promise you on my word of honor that the next
time he will fall. But he doesn't want to, to-day.
UNKNOWN MAN. What's that? What did you say about the next time?
HOTEL KEEPER. You shut up there!
UNKNOWN MAN. For ten dollars?
PASTOR. Pray, what impudence! I just made his peace with heaven when he
was in danger of his life. You have heard him threatening to fall on my
head, haven't you? And still he is dissatisfied. Adulterer, thief,
murderer, coveter of your neighbor's ass--
PHOTOGRAPHER. Ladies and gentlemen, an ass!
SECOND PHOTOGRAPHER. Where, where is an ass?
PHOTOGRAPHER (calmed). I thought I heard one.
SECOND PHOTOGRAPHER. It is you who are an ass. I have become cross-eyed
on account of your shouting: "An ass! An ass!"
MARY (wearily). Papa, children, look! A policeman is coming.
(Excitement and noise. On one side a crowd pulling a policeman, on the
other the hotel keeper; both keep crying: "Excuse me! Excuse me!")
TOURIST. Policeman, there he is, the fakir, the swindler.
PASTOR. Policeman, there he is, the adulterer, the murderer, the coveter
of his neighbor's ass--
POLICEMAN. Excuse me, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. We will bring him
to his senses in short order and make him confess.
HOTEL KEEPER. I can't make him fall if he doesn't want to.
POLICEMAN. Hey, you, young man out there! Can you fall or can't you?
Confess!
UNKNOWN MAN (sullenly). I don't want to fall!
VOICES. Aha, he has confessed. What a scoundrel!
TALL TOURIST. Write down what I dictate, policeman-- "Desiring--for the
sake of gain to exploit the sentiment of love of one's neighbor--the
sacred feeling--a-a-a--"
TOURIST. Listen children, they are drawing up an official report. What
exquisite choice of language!