CORRESPONDENT. Ye-es, very, very interesting.
TOURIST. Did you hear, Aleck? This smart man, the chief correspondent,
says it's interesting, and you keep bothering about sandwiches. Dunce!
ALECK. May be he has had his dinner already.
CORRESPONDENT. Ladies and gentlemen, I beg you to be quiet.
OBLIGING VOICES. It is quieter in the café.
CORRESPONDENT (shouts to the unknown man). Permit me to introduce
myself. I am the chief correspondent of the European press. I have been
sent here at the special request of the editors. I should like to ask
you several questions concerning your situation. What is your name? What
is your general position? How old are you? (The unknown man mumbles
something.)
CORRESPONDENT (a little puzzled). I can't hear a thing. Has he been that
way all the time?
VOICES. Yes, it's impossible to hear a word he says.
CORRESPONDENT (jotting down something in his note-book). Fine! Are you a
bachelor? (The unknown man mumbles.)
CORRESPONDENT. I can't hear you. Are you married? Yes?
TOURIST. He said he was a bachelor.
SECOND TOURIST. No, he didn't. Of course, he's married.
CORRESPONDENT (carelessly). You think so? All right. We'll put down,
married. How many children have you? Can't hear! It seems to me he said
three. Hm! Anyway, we'll put down five.
TOURIST. Oh, my, what a tragedy. Five children! Imagine!
MILITARY WOMAN. He is lying.
CORRESPONDENT (shouting). How did you get into this position? What? I
can't hear? Louder! Repeat. What did you say? (Perplexed, to the crowd.)
What did he say? The fellow has a devilishly weak voice.
FIRST TOURIST. It seems to me he said that he lost his way.
SECOND TOURIST. No, he doesn't know himself how he got there.
VOICES. He was out hunting.--He was climbing up the rocks.--No, no! He
is simply a lunatic!
CORRESPONDENT. I beg your pardon, I beg your pardon, ladies and
gentlemen! Anyway, he didn't drop from the sky. However-- (He quickly
jots down in his note-book.) Unhappy young man--suffering from childhood
with attacks of lunacy.--The bright light of the full moon--the wild
rocks.--Sleepy janitor--didn't notice--
FIRST TOURIST (to the second, in a whisper). But it's new moon now.
SECOND TOURIST. Go, what does a layman know about astronomy.
TOURIST (ecstatically). Mary, pay attention to this! You have before you
an ocular demonstration of the influence of the moon on living
organisms. What a terrible tragedy to go out walking on a moonlit night
and find suddenly that you have climbed to a place whence it is
impossible to climb down or be taken down.
CORRESPONDENT (shouting). What feelings are you experiencing? I can't
hear. Louder! Ah, so? Well, well! What a situation!
CROWD (interested). Listen, listen! Let's hear what his feelings are.
How terrible!
CORRESPONDENT (writes in his note-book, tossing out detached remarks).
Mortal terror numbs his limbs.--A cold shiver goes down his spinal
column.--No hope.--Before his mental vision rises a picture of family
bliss: Wife making sandwiches; his five children innocently lisping
their love.--Grandma in the arm-chair with a tube to her ear, that is,
grandpa in the arm-chair, with a tube to _his_ ear and grandma.--Deeply
moved by the sympathy of the public.--His last wish before his death
that the words he uttered with his last breath should be published in
our newspapers--
MILITARY WOMAN (indignantly). My! He lies like a salesman.
MARY (wearily). Papa, children, look, he is starting to fall again.
TOURIST (angrily). Don't bother me. Such a tragedy is unfolding itself
right before your very eyes--and you-- What are you making such big eyes
for again?
CORRESPONDENT (shouting). Hold on fast. That's it! My last question:
What message do you wish to leave for your fellow citizens before you
depart for the better world?
UNKNOWN MAN. That they may all go to the devil.
CORRESPONDENT. What? Hm, yes-- (He writes quickly.) Ardent love--is a
stanch opponent of the law granting equal rights to negroes. His last
words: "Let the black niggers--"
PASTOR (out of breath, pushing through the crowd). Where is he? Ah,
there! Poor young man. Has there been no clergyman here yet? No? Thank
you. Am I the first?
CORRESPONDENT (writes). A touching dramatic moment.--A minister has
arrived.--All are trembling on the verge of suspense. Many are shedding
tears--
PASTOR. Excuse me, excuse me! Ladies and gentlemen, a lost soul wishes
to make its peace with God-- (He shouts.) My son, don't you wish to make
your peace with God? Confess your sins to me. I will grant you remission
at once! What? I cannot hear?
CORRESPONDENT (writes). The air is shaken with the people's groans. The
minister of the church exhorts the criminal, that is, the unfortunate
man, in touching language.--The unfortunate creature with tears in his
eyes thanks him in a faint voice--
UNKNOWN MAN (faintly). If you won't go away I will jump on your head. I
weigh three hundred pounds. (All jump away frightened behind each
other.)
VOICES. He is falling! He is falling!
TOURIST (agitatingly). Mary, Aleck, Jimmie.
POLICEMAN (energetically). Clear the place, please! Move on!
LADY. Nellie, go quick and tell your father he is falling.
PHOTOGRAPHER (in despair). Oh my, I am out of films (tosses madly about,
looking pitifully at the unknown man). One minute, I'll go and get them.
I have some in my overcoat pocket over there. (He walks a short
distance, keeping his eyes fixed on the unknown man, and then returns.)
I can't, I am afraid I'll miss it. Good heavens! They are over there in
my overcoat. Just one minute, please. I'll fetch them right away. What a
fix.
PASTOR. Hurry, my friend. Pull yourself together and try to hold out
long enough to tell me at least your principal sins. You needn't mention
the lesser ones.
TOURIST. What a tragedy?
CORRESPONDENT (writes). The criminal, that is, the unhappy man, makes a
public confession and does penance. Terrible secrets revealed. He is a
bank robber--blew up safes.
TOURIST (credulously). The scoundrel.
PASTOR (shouts). In the first place, have you killed? Secondly, have you
stolen? Thirdly, have you committed adultery?
TOURIST. Mary, Jimmie, Katie, Aleck, Charlie, close your ears.
CORRESPONDENT (writing). Tremendous excitement in the crowd.--Shouts of
indignation.
PASTOR (hurriedly). Fourthly, have you blasphemed? Fifthly, have you
coveted your neighbor's ass, his ox, his slave, his wife? Sixthly--
PHOTOGRAPHER (alarmed). Ladies and gentlemen, an ass!
SECOND PHOTOGRAPHER. Where? I can't see it!
PHOTOGRAPHER (calmed). I thought I heard it.
PASTOR. I congratulate you, my son! I congratulate you! You have made
your peace with God. Now you may rest easy--Oh, God, what do I see? The
Salvation Army! Policeman, chase them away!
(Enter a Salvation Army band, men and women in uniforms. There are only
three instruments, a drum, a violin and a piercingly shrill trumpet.)
SALVATION ARMY MAN (frantically beating his drum and shouting in a nasal
voice). Brethren and sisters--
PASTOR (shouting even louder in a still more nasal voice in an effort to
drown the other's). He has already confessed. Bear witness, ladies and
gentlemen, that he has confessed and made his peace with heaven.
SALVATION ARMY WOMAN (climbing on a rock and shrieking). I once wandered
in the dark just as this sinner and I lived a bad life and was a
drunkard, but when the light of truth--
A VOICE. Why, she is drunk now.
PASTOR. Policeman, didn't he confess and make his peace with heaven?
(The Salvation Army man continues to beat his drum frantically; the rest
begin to drawl a song. Shouts, laughter, whistling. Singing in the café,
and calls of "Waiter!" in all languages. The bewildered policemen tear
themselves away from the pastor, who is pulling them somewhere; the
photographers turn and twist about as if the seats were burning under
them. An English lady comes riding in on a donkey, who, stopping
suddenly, sprawls out his legs and refuses to go farther, adding his
noise to the rest. Gradually the noise subsides. The Salvation Army band
solemnly withdraws, and the pastor, waving his hands, follows them.)
FIRST ENGLISH TOURIST (to the other). How impolite! This crowd doesn't
know how to behave itself.
SECOND ENGLISH TOURIST. Come, let's go away from here.
FIRST ENGLISH TOURIST. One minute. (He shouts.) Listen, won't you hurry
up and fall?
SECOND ENGLISH TOURIST. What are you saying, Sir William?
FIRST ENGLISH TOURIST (shouting). Don't you see that's what they are
waiting for? As a gentleman you should grant them this pleasure and so
escape the humiliation of undergoing tortures before this mob.
SECOND ENGLISH TOURIST. Sir William.
TOURIST (ecstatically). See? It's true. Aleck, Jimmie, it's true. What a
tragedy!
SEVERAL TOURISTS (going for the Englishman). How dare you?
FIRST ENGLISH TOURIST (shoving them aside). Hurry up and fall! Do you
hear? If you haven't the backbone I'll help you out with a pistol shot.
VOICES. That red-haired devil has gone clear out of his mind.
POLICEMAN (seizing the Englishman's hand). You have no right to do it,
it's against the law. I'll arrest you.
SOME TOURISTS. A barbarous nation!
(The unknown man shouts something. Excitement below.)
VOICES. Hear, hear, hear!
UNKNOWN MAN (aloud). Take that jackass away to the devil. He wants to
shoot me. And tell the boss that I can't stand it any longer.
VOICES. What's that? What boss? He is losing his mind, the poor man.
TOURIST. Aleck! Mary! This is a mad scene. Jimmie, you remember Hamlet?
Quick.
UNKNOWN MAN (angrily). Tell him my spinal column is broken.
MARY (wearily). Papa, children, he's beginning to kick with his legs.
KATE. Is that what is called convulsions, papa?
TOURIST (rapturously). I don't know. I think it is. What a tragedy?
ALECK (glumly). You fool! You keep cramming and cramming and you don't
know that the right name for that is agony. And you wear eye-glasses,
too. I can't bear it any longer, papa.
TOURIST. Think of it, children. A man is about to fall down to his death
and he is bothering about his spinal column.
(There is a noise. A man in a white vest, very much frightened, enters,
almost dragged by angry tourists. He smiles, bows on all sides,
stretches out his arms, now running forward as he is pushed, now trying
to escape in the crowd, but is seized and pulled again.)
VOICES. A bare-faced deception! It is an outrage. Policeman, policeman,
he must be taught a lesson!
OTHER VOICES. What is it? What deception? What is it all about? They
have caught a thief!
THE MAN IN THE WHITE VEST (bowing and smiling). It's a joke, ladies and
gentlemen, a joke, that's all. The people were bored, so I wanted to
provide a little amusement for them.
UNKNOWN MAN (angrily). Boss!
THE MAN IN THE WHITE VEST. Wait a while, wait a while.
UNKNOWN MAN. Do you expect me to stay here until the Second Advent? The
agreement was till twelve o'clock. What time is it now?
TALL TOURIST (indignantly). Do you hear, ladies and gentlemen? This
scoundrel, this man here in the white vest hired that other scoundrel up
there and just simply tied him to the rock.
VOICES. Is he tied?
TALL TOURIST. Yes, he is tied and he can't fall. We are excited and
worrying, but he couldn't fall even if he tried.
UNKNOWN MAN. What else do you want? Do you think I am going to break my
neck for your measly ten dollars? Boss, I can't stand it any more. One
man wanted to shoot me. The pastor preached me for two hours. This is
not in the agreement.
ALECK. Father, I told you that Baedecker lies. You believe everything
anybody tells you and drag us about without eating.
MAN IN THE WHITE VEST. The people were bored. My only desire was to
amuse the people.
MILITARY WOMAN. What is the matter? I don't understand a thing. Why
isn't he going to fall? Who, then, is going to fall?
TOURIST. I don't understand a thing either. Of course he's got to fall!
JAMES. You never understand anything, father. Weren't you told that he's
tied to the rock?
ALECK. You can't convince him. He loves every Baedecker more than his
own children.
JAMES. A nice father!
TOURIST. Silence!
MILITARY WOMAN. What is the matter? He must fall.
TALL TOURIST. The idea! What a deception. You'll have to explain this.
MAN IN THE WHITE VEST. The people were bored. Excuse me, ladies and
gentlemen, but wishing to accommodate you--give you a few hours of
pleasant excitement--elevate your spirits--inspire you with altruistic
sentiments--
ENGLISHMAN. Is the café yours?
MAN IN THE WHITE VEST. Yes.
ENGLISHMAN. And is the hotel below also yours?