'Oh, indeed! oh, oh! so this is what she says!' Semyon Matveitch piped
shrilly, in a fit of violent fury, but obviously not able to make up his
mind to come near me.... 'Wait a bit, Mr. Ratsch, Ivan Demianitch, come
here!'
The door of the billiard-room opposite the one I was near flew wide
open, and my stepfather appeared, with a lighted candelabrum in each
hand. His round, red face, lighted up on both sides, was beaming with
the triumph of satisfied revenge, and slavish delight at having rendered
valuable service.... Oh, those loathsome white eyes! when shall I cease
to behold them?
'Be so good as to take this girl at once,' cried Semyon Matveitch,
turning to my stepfather and imperiously pointing to me with a shaking
hand. 'Be so good as to take her home and put her under lock and key...
so that she... can't stir a finger, so that not a fly can get in to her!
Till further orders from me! Board up the windows if need be! You'll
answer for her with your head!'
Mr. Ratsch set the candelabra on the billiard-table, made Semyon
Matveitch a low bow, and with a slight swagger and a malignant smile,
moved towards me. A cat, I imagine, approaches a mouse who has no chance
of escape in that way. All my daring left me in an instant. I knew the
man was capable of... beating me. I began to tremble; yes; oh, shame! oh
ignominy! I shivered.
'Now, then, madam,' said Mr. Ratsch, 'kindly come along.'
He took me, without haste, by the arm above the elbow.... He saw that I
should not resist. Of my own accord I pushed forward towards the door;
at that instant I had but one thought in my mind, to escape as quickly
as possible from the presence of Semyon Matveitch.
But the loathsome old man darted up to us from behind, and Ratsch
stopped me and turned me round face to face with his patron.
'Ah!' the latter shouted, shaking his fist; 'ah! So I'm the brother...
of my brother, am I? Ties of blood! eh? But a cousin, a first cousin you
could marry? You could? eh? Take her, you!' he turned to my stepfather.
'And remember, keep a sharp look-out! The slightest communication with
her--and no punishment will be too severe.... Take her!'
Mr. Ratsch conducted me to my room. Crossing the courtyard, he said
nothing, but kept laughing noiselessly to himself. He closed the
shutters and the doors, and then, as he was finally returning, he bowed
low to me as he had to Semyon Matveitch, and went off into a ponderous,
triumphant guffaw!
'Good-night to your highness,' he gasped out, choking: 'she didn't catch
her fairy prince! What a pity! It wasn't a bad idea in its way! It's a
lesson for the future: not to keep up correspondence! Ho-ho-ho! How
capitally it has all turned out though!' He went out, and all of a
sudden poked his head in at the door. 'Well? I didn't forget you, did I?
Hey? I kept my promise, didn't I? Ho-ho!' The key creaked in the lock. I
breathed freely. I had been afraid he would tie my hands... but they
were my own, they were free! I instantly wrenched the silken cord off my
dressing-gown, made a noose, and was putting it on my neck, but I flung
the cord aside again at once. 'I won't please you!' I said aloud. 'What
madness, really! Can I dispose of my life without Michel's leave, my
life, which I have surrendered into his keeping? No, cruel wretches! No!
You have not won your game yet! He will save me, he will tear me out of
this hell, he... my Michel!'
But then I remembered that he was shut up just as I was, and I flung
myself, face downwards, on my bed, and sobbed... and sobbed.... And only
the thought that my tormentor was perhaps at the door, listening and
triumphing, only that thought forced me to swallow my tears....
I am worn out. I have been writing since morning, and now it is evening;
if once I tear myself from this sheet of paper, I shall not be capable
of taking up the pen again.... I must hasten, hasten to the finish! And
besides, to dwell on the hideous things that followed that dreadful day
is beyond my strength!
Twenty-four hours later I was taken in a closed cart to an isolated hut,
surrounded by peasants, who were to watch me, and kept shut up for six
whole weeks! I was not for one instant alone.... Later on I learnt that
my stepfather had set spies to watch both Michel and me ever since his
arrival, that he had bribed the servant, who had given me Michel's note.
I ascertained too that an awful, heart-rending scene had taken place the
next morning between the son and the father.... The father had cursed
him. Michel for his part had sworn he would never set foot in his
father's house again, and had set off to Petersburg. But the blow aimed
at me by my stepfather rebounded upon himself. Semyon Matveitch
announced that he could not have him remaining there, and managing the
estate any longer. Awkward service, it seems, is an unpardonable
offence, and some one must be fixed upon to bear the brunt of the
_scandal_. Semyon Matveitch recompensed Mr. Ratsch liberally,
however: he gave him the necessary means to move to Moscow and to
establish himself there. Before the departure for Moscow, I was brought
back to the lodge, but kept as before under the strictest guard. The
loss of the 'snug little berth,' of which he was being deprived 'thanks
to me,' increased my stepfather's vindictive rage against me more than
ever.
'Why did you make such a fuss?' he would say, almost snorting with
indignation; 'upon my word! The old chap, of course, got a little too
hot, was a little too much in a hurry, and so he made a mess of it; now,
of course, his vanity's hurt, there's no setting the mischief right
again now! If you'd only waited a day or two, it'd all have been right
as a trivet; you wouldn't have been kept on dry bread, and I should have
stayed what I was! Ah, well, women's hair is long... but their wit is
short! Never mind; I'll be even with you yet, and that pretty young
gentleman shall smart for it too!'
I had, of course, to bear all these insults in silence. Semyon Matveitch
I did not once see again. The separation from his son had been a shock
to him too. Whether he felt remorse or--which is far more likely--wished
to bind me for ever to my home, to my family--my family!--anyway, he
assigned me a pension, which was to be paid into my stepfather's hands,
and to be given to me till I married.... This humiliating alms, this
pension I still receive... that is to say, Mr. Ratsch receives it for
me....
We settled in Moscow. I swear by the memory of my poor mother, I would
not have remained two days, not two hours, with my stepfather, after
once reaching the town... I would have gone away, not knowing where...
to the police; I would have flung myself at the feet of the
governor-general, of the senators; I don't know what I would have done,
if it had not happened, at the very moment of our starting from the
country, that the girl who had been our maid managed to give me a letter
from Michel! Oh, that letter! How many times I read over each line, how
many times I covered it with kisses! Michel besought me not to lose
heart, to go on hoping, to believe in his unchanging love; he swore that
he would never belong to any one but me; he called me his wife, he
promised to overcome all hindrances, he drew a picture of our future, he
asked of me only one thing, to be patient, to wait a little....
And I resolved to wait and be patient. Alas! what would I not have
agreed to, what would I not have borne, simply to do his will! That
letter became my holy thing, my guiding star, my anchor. Sometimes when
my stepfather would begin abusing and insulting me, I would softly lay
my hand on my bosom (I wore Michel's letter sewed into an amulet) and
only smile. And the more violent and abusive was Mr. Ratsch, the easier,
lighter, and sweeter was the heart within me.... I used to see, at last,
by his eyes, that he began to wonder whether I was going out of my
mind.... Following on this first letter came a second, still more full
of hope.... It spoke of our meeting soon.
Alas! instead of that meeting there came a morning... I can see Mr.
Ratsch coming in--and triumph again, malignant triumph, in his face--and
in his hands a page of the _Invalid_, and there the announcement of
the death of the Captain of the Guards--Mihail Koltovsky.
What can I add? I remained alive, and went on living in Mr. Ratsch's
house. He hated me as before--more than before--he had unmasked his
black soul too much before me, he could not pardon me that. But that was
of no consequence to me. I became, as it were, without feeling; my own
fate no longer interested me. To think of him, to think of him! I had no
interest, no joy, but that. My poor Michel died with my name on his
lips.... I was told so by a servant, devoted to him, who had been with
him when he came into the country. The same year my stepfather married
Eleonora Karpovna. Semyon Matveitch died shortly after. In his will he
secured to me and increased the pension he had allowed me.... In the
event of my death, it was to pass to Mr. Ratsch....
Two--three--years passed... six years, seven years.... Life has been
passing, ebbing away... while I merely watched how it was ebbing. As in
childhood, on some river's edge one makes a little pond and dams it up,
and tries in all sorts of ways to keep the water from soaking through,
from breaking in. But at last the water breaks in, and then you abandon
all your vain efforts, and you are glad instead to watch all that you
had guarded ebbing away to the last drop....
So I lived, so I existed, till at last a new, unhoped-for ray of warmth
and light....'
The manuscript broke off at this word; the following leaves had been
torn off, and several lines completing the sentence had been crossed
through and blotted out.