"From Seharry something or other; but confound these nores, and pores,
and bores! There's no recollecting the name of any place, for an hour
together. The magistrate--I forget his name just now; but it was
Radley, Bradley, Bagley, Ragley, or Cragley, or some such name--told me
he would push me on to Meerut, and here am I, it seems, forty miles out
of my road! Well, look here. I am Lord Jamleigh."
"Indeed! Well, you are welcome to some refreshment and repose in my
home, in common with your friend; and whenever you desire to be 'pushed
on,' I will exert my authority to the utmost to further your views."
"O, thank you. My friend is my valet. Here, Mexton, jump out and take
my things into a room."
While Mexton is obeying this order, and while his lordship is following
his host, let us inform the reader who his lordship was, and what was
the object of his mission to India.
His lordship was a young nobleman, who was about to enter Parliament,
and, being desirous of acquiring information concerning India in
order to be very strong when the question for renewing the charter
came on in eighteen hundred and fifty-two or fifty-three, he resolved
on travelling in the country for a few months: the entire period of
his absence from home, including the journey overland, not to exceed
half a year. After a passage of thirty-four days--having already seen
the Island of Ceylon, and approved of it--his lordship landed at
Madras, was carried up to Government house, where he took a hasty
tiffin, and was then carried back to the beach, whence he reembarked
on board the steamer, and was, three days afterwards, landed at the
Ghaut in Calcutta, where he found a carriage ready to convey him
to the vice-regal dwelling. After two days' stay, he was "pushed
on," at his own request, to the Upper Provinces: his destination
being Lahore. The newspapers got hold of his name, and came out with
something of this kind:--"Amongst the passengers by the _Bentinck_
is Lord Jamleigh, eldest son of the Right Honourable the Earl of
Dapperleigh. His lordship leaves Calcutta this evening, and will
pass through the following stations." Then came a list. At many of
the stations he was met--officiously met, by gentlemen in authority,
who dragged--literally dragged--him, in their anxiety to have a lord
for a guest, to their houses, and kept him there as long as they
could: taking care to have the north-west journals informed of where
and with whom his lordship had put up. He was not allowed to stay
at a dâk bungalow for an hour or two, and then proceed, taking--in
the strictest sense of the phrase--his bird's-eye view of India, its
people, its institutions, and so forth. Some of them threw obstacles
in the way of his getting bearers, so that he might remain with them
for four-and-twenty hours, and thus thoroughly impregnate and air their
houses with an aristocratical atmosphere. Others lugged him to their
courts and collectorates, albeit he had seen one of each at Burdwan and
Bengal, and consequently had seen the working of the Indian judicial
and revenue departments, and knew all about them! This sycophantic
importunity of a few government officials soured his lordship's temper,
which imparted to his manners a rudeness which was perhaps foreign to
his nature. His lordship was led to believe that _all_ Indian officials
were a parcel of sycophants--progress-impeding sycophants--and hence
he grew to treat them all alike: and he did not scruple, at last, to
extract his information from them much in the same way that a petulant
judge who has lost all patience with a rambling witness, takes him
out of the hands of counsel, and brings him sharply to the point. For
instance, "I know all about that, but tell me this,"--note-book in
hand--would Lord Jamleigh in such wise frequently interrogate his civil
hosts, who insisted on doing themselves the honour of entertaining
his lordship. The fact was that, in his own opinion, he knew all
about India and its affairs long before he touched the soil, for he
had read a good deal in blue books and newspapers. His object, as we
have before hinted, was simply to see the country and travel in it, or
through it, and thus arm himself with a tremendous and telling weapon
in a contested debate, should he take part therein. And therefore
when his lordship asked questions it was not so much with a view to
obtain information as to test the accuracy of that already acquired
by reading, over the fireside in the library, of his father's mansion
in Bagdad Square. Thus, the entries in his lordship's note-book were,
after all, merely a matter of form.
Having divested himself of the dust with which he was covered, and
having restored himself to his personal comforts, his lordship joined
our little party, and partook of some dinner which the khansamah had
prepared for him. His repast concluded, his lordship moistened his
throat with a glass of cool claret, and proceeded, in his own manner,
to interrogate his host, who was not only an accomplished scholar, but
a ready and refined wit. It was thus that the dialogue was commenced
and continued:--
"What is the number of inhabitants in this district?" asked the noble
guest.
"Upon my word I don't know; I have never counted them," said the host.
"But have you no idea? Can't you give a guess?"
"Oh, yes; some hundreds of thousands."
"Ah! And crime--much crime!" his lordship persevered.
"Very much. But we are going to reduce it, during the ensuing
half-year, exactly thirty-three and a-half per cent.," answered the
magistrate, looking uncommonly statistical.
"How?"
"Well, that is what my assistant and myself have decided upon."
"I do not understand you. How can you possibly say at this moment
whether, during the next six months, the amount of crime shall be
greater or less?" His lordship was puzzled.
"How? Why just in the same way that the directors of a joint-stock bank
determine in their parlour what shall be the amount of dividend payable
to shareholders. My assistant wanted to make a reduction of fifty per
centum on the last returns; but I think thirty-three and a-half will be
a very fair figure."
"You intend, perhaps, to be more severe?" said the young legislator.
"Nothing of the kind. On the contrary, we intend to be less energetic
by thirty-three and a-half per cent.--to take matters more easily, in
short."
"I wish I knew what you meant."
"I will explain it to you."
"As briefly as possible, please." His lordship did not want to be
bored, evidently.
"By all means."
"I only want facts, you see."
"And I am about to give you facts--dry facts."
"Well?"
"The facts are these. There is a district in these provinces nearly
twice the size of this, and it contains nearly double the number of
inhabitants."
"Yes."
"During the past half-year, the number of convictions in that district
has been very much less than the number of convictions in this
district. And the Sudder Court of Appeal has come to the conclusion, on
looking at the figures in the official return, that the proportion of
crime to population, in this district, is greater than it is in that
district."
"Very naturally."
"Indeed? But suppose that the magistrate of that district only attends
his court once or twice a-week, and then only for an hour or two on
those days; and suppose that his assistant is a young man who makes
sport his occupation and his business, and business his recreation and
his sport. And suppose that I and my assistant work hard, and do our
best to hunt up all the murderers, thieves, and other culprits, whom
we hear of, and bring them to justice and to punishment. What then?
Are the figures in the official returns, touching the convictions, to
be taken as any criterion of the crime perpetrated in our respective
districts?" His worship delivered these questions triumphantly.
"In that case, certainly not."
"Well, the Sudder have looked at the convictions, and the consequence
has been, that in the last printed report issued by that august body
(composed of three old and imbecile gentlemen) to the Government, the
magistrate of that district and his assistant have been praised for
their zeal, and recommended for promotion, while the magistrate and
assistant of this district have been publicly censured; or, to use the
cant phrase of the report, 'handed up for the consideration of the Most
Noble the Governor-General of India.'"
"Is it possible?" asked the Lord, throwing up his hands.
"You ask for dry facts, and I have given you dry facts."
"May I make a note of this?" (pulling out an elegant souvenir). "Not
that I should think of mentioning your name."
"You may make a note of it; and, so far as mentioning my name is
concerned, you may do as you please. I have already written to the
Sudder what I have stated to you," was the answer.
"What! about the thirty-three and a-half per cent?"
"Yes; and, what is more, I have insisted on a copy of the letter being
forwarded to the Governor-General."
"And what will be the result, do you suppose?"
"I neither know nor care. I have just served my time in this penal
country; and, being entitled to both my pardon and my pension, I intend
to apply shortly for both."
The reader will be glad to hear that a long correspondence ensued on
this subject between the Sudder, the Government, and the mutinous
magistrate. The upshot was, that the imbecile old men who had too
long warmed that tribunal were pushed off their stools by the
Governor-General (Lord Dalhousie), who, very meritoriously, bullied
them into resigning the service; threatening, as some say, to hold a
commission on their capacity for office. In their stead were appointed
three gentlemen, whose abilities and vigour had hitherto been kept in
the back settlements of India. The crowning point of all was, that the
mutinous magistrate was one of the illustrious three!
Lord Jamleigh informed us that he had seen Lahore, and that he was
about to go across the country to Bombay, and that he should then have
seen all three Presidencies, as well as all the Upper Provinces, and
the Punjab. He regretted, half apologetically, that he had not been
able to take a look at the Himalayas, Simlah and Mussoorie; but the
fact was, "he was so much pressed for time."
"Poor devils!" exclaimed our host, smiling. "But, as they won't know
anything about it, they won't feel it much--indeed, not at all."
"To whom are you alluding?" asked my lord.
"The Himalayas," sighed our host, passing the claret to his lordship,
who, by this time, had discovered that he had not got into a nest of
sycophants, who worshipped a title, no matter how frivolous or how
insolent the man might be who wore it; but that he had accidentally
fallen into the company of persons of independent character; and
albeit, they were desirous of giving him a welcome and making him
comfortable--being a stranger who had lost his way--nevertheless, were
determined to make him pay in some shape for the want of courtesy he
had exhibited when the bearers set his palkee down at the door of the
bungalow. This discovery made his lordship a little uncomfortable, and
rather cautious in his observations. He felt, in short, as one who
knows that he has committed an error, and that some penalty will be
exacted; but what penalty, and how exacted, he cannot imagine. Had he
been able to get away, he would probably have taken a hasty farewell of
us. But that was impossible. His jaded bearers were cooking their food,
and, until twelve o'clock, there was no hope of getting them together.
The khansamah came in with a fresh bottle of wine. Our host,
withdrawing his cigar from his lips, inquired of him if the wants of
the gentleman's servant had been attended to.
"Yes, Sahib," was the reply.
"And have you given him any champagne?"
"No, Sahib."
"Then do."
"Oh, pray do nothing of the kind!" exclaimed his Lordship. "He is not
accustomed to it."
"Then he will enjoy it all the more," said our host. "I hope he is
taking notes, and will write a book on India. I should much like
to see his impressions in print; and he may possibly dignify me by
devoting a few lines to the character of my hospitality. It is to be
hoped, however, that, should his travel inspire him with a thirst for
literary distinction, he will confine himself to a personal compilation
of his experience, and not go into judicial or revenue matters; for,
should he do so, you may find yourself clashing with him, and that
would be awkward. His publisher's critic might be inclined to break
a spear with your publisher's critic, in their respective reviews of
your respective works, and it would be quite impossible to conjecture
where the controversy might end. Indisposed as I am, generally, to
obtrude my advice upon any one, and much less on a perfect stranger, I
nevertheless feel that I am only doing you a kindness when I say that,
if I were you, I would regard Hindostan as a sort of Juan Fernandez,
myself the Crusoe thereof, and this valet as my man Friday; and then,
with a due observance of that line of demarcation which should always
be drawn between civilised man and the savage, I would not permit him
to keep even a stick whereon to notch the day or time of any particular
event that occurred during my residence in the country, lest he should
some day or other--in consequence of my having discharged him, or he
having discharged me--rise up and instigate some man or other to call
in question the accuracy of my facts. The wine is with you; will you
fill, and pass it on?"
Lord Jamleigh became very red in the face, and rather confused both in
manner and speech. As for myself and the two assistant-magistrates,
there was something so benignant in the expression of our host's
handsome and dignified countenance--something so quaintly sarcastic in
the tone and manner of his discourse, that, had we known that death was
the penalty of not maintaining the gravity of our features, our lives
would certainly have been forfeited.
A silence for several minutes ensued; and then Lord Jamleigh spoke to
our host as follows:--
"Most of the young noblemen who come to this country, come only to
travel about and amuse themselves. I come on business--I may say,
Parliamentary business. My time is short, and I must make the most of
it. I dare say, when you saw my name in the papers, as having arrived
in India, you little thought that I was not a man of pleasure and
excursion?"
"Upon my word, the subject never once became a matter of speculation
with me," said our host.
After some further conversation, in which our host spared his visitor
as little as was consistent with good breeding, Lord Jamleigh, who had
been "sitting upon thorns," rose and said:--
"I am afraid I have already trespassed on your goodness too long. I
will not attempt to apolo--apolo--or to express how much--how much; nor
to assure you that--assure you--that when--"
"Oh, pray don't mention it!" said our host, smiling. "You desire your
palkee?"
"If you please," said Lord Jamleigh.
The palkee was ordered, and we were standing in expectation that
it would be instantly announced as "ready," when the sirdar-bearer
(head personal attendant) came into the room, in a state of excessive
trepidation, and informed us that the Sahib's Sahib (Lord Jamleigh's
valet) was drunk, asleep, and refused to be disturbed on any pretence
whatever.
This announcement, which caused general merriment, induced Lord
Jamleigh to ejaculate:--
"That's the champagne, I suspected as much!"
"Where is he?" inquired our host of the sirdar-bearer. "In his palkee?"
"No, Sahib," was the reply. "He is lying on that Sahib's bed," pointing
to me.
Here, again, everybody laughed, except myself. I was rather angry,
being somewhat particular on this point. So I suggested that he might
be put into his vehicle at once. The native servants, of course, were
afraid to touch him, lest he should awake and "hit out;" so we, the
five of us, Europeans, the magistrate, the two assistant magistrates,
Lord Jamleigh, and myself, had to lift, remove, and pack in his palkee,
the overcome, and perfectly unconscious valet. He must have been
sipping brandy-and water before he came to the bungalow, for he had
only half finished his bottle of champagne. Lord Jamleigh now got into
his palanquin, and composed himself for the night, or, rather, the
remainder of it, and in order that there might be no mistake as to his
Lordship's destination, the magistrate sent a horseman to accompany
the cortège, with directions that "the Sahibs" were to be taken to
Durowlah, on the road to Meerut, and to the house of the magistrate,
by whom Lord Jamleigh had been invited, or rather, "petitioned," to
stay with him, should he pass through that station, and (to use his
Lordship's own terms), as he had promised to do so, he supposed that he
must keep his word. When a palanquin is escorted by a sowar, the sowar
when the destination is approached, rides on and gives notice that a
lady, or gentleman, as the case may be, is coming; and, as the natives
of India can never pronounce European names properly, the precaution is
usually taken of writing down the name of the traveller on a card, or
a slip of paper, and giving it to the sowar. In this case, "Viscount
Jamleigh" was written down for the guidance and information of the
Durowlah functionary.
It was about seven A.M. when this card was put into the hands of the
gentleman who had invited Lord Jamleigh; whom, by the way, he had
never seen. The bungalow was immediately all life and in commotion;
the servants ordered to prepare tea and coffee; the best bed-room
vacated by the present occupants; hot water in readiness; and ere long
a palkee--a single palkee--loomed in the distance; the other palkee
was a long way, some three miles, behind. One of the bearers who was
carrying it, had fallen and injured himself, and thus was a delay
of an hour and a half occasioned. And during that hour and half a
pretty mistake was committed. The first palkee was that containing the
valet, and the one behind was that of his lordship. The valet had not
recovered the effects of his potations; and, on being awakened, seemed,
and really was, bewildered and stupified--so much so, that he could not
inform the magistrate that he was "only a servant," and not entitled
to the attentions that were showered upon him. With trembling hand, he
took the cup of tea from the silver salver, and gazing wildly round,
murmured, rather than said--
"Brandy! Little Brandy!" which was at once brought and administered.
He then had his warm "wash," sat down on the best bed, and suffered
himself to be punkahed by two domestics in snow-white garments. This
revived him somewhat; but still he felt far too ill to talk. He simply
shook his head, and there was a good deal of meaning in that shake, if
the magistrate could only have understood it.
"Take some brandy and soda-water, my lord," said his host.
The valet nodded assent.
The magistrate mixed the dose, and administered it with his own hands.
The valet sighed, and again shook his head.
"You will be better presently, my lord," said the magistrate.
"Drunk as a lord!" hiccuped the valet.
"O, no, my lord! It was the jolting along the road."
"In that coffin?" said the valet, who now began to regain the use of
his tongue.
"Yes, my lord."
"Am I a lord? He, he, he! Where am I?"
"At Durowlah, my lord."
"And who are _you_?"
"Your host, my lord."
"Then this is not the station-house?"
"Not exactly, my lord."
"Give us a little drop more of that last brew."
"Yes, my lord."
"Ah! Thank you! I feel better now--much better. It was that champagne.
Good it was, though. What place was that we were at?"
"Bijnore, my lord."
"I'm not a lord."
"Would that I were in your place, my lord!"
"Well, it isn't a bad place," grinned the valet. "Plenty to eat and
drink, little to do, and good wages. But hang this Hindyer! It was a
mistake altogether!"