10th July.
Judith and I have had our day in the country. We know a wayside station,
on a certain line of railway, about an hour and a half from town, where
we can alight, find eggs and bacon at the village inn and hayricks in
a solitary meadow, and where we can chew the cud of these delights with
the cattle in well-wooded pastures. Judith has a passion for eggs and
bacon and hayricks. My own rapture in their presence is tempered by
the philosophic calm of my disposition. She wore a cotton dress of a
forget-me-not blue which suits her pale colouring. She looked quite
pretty. When I told her so she blushed like a girl. I was glad to
see her in gay humour again. Of late months she has been subject to
moodiness, emotional variability, which has somewhat ruffled the smooth
surface of our companionship. But to-day there has been no trace of
“temperament.” She has shown herself the pleasant, witty Judith she
knows I like her to be, with a touch of coquetry thrown in on her
own account. She even spoke amiably of Carlotta. I have not had so
thoroughly enjoyable a day with Judith for a long time.
I don’t think she set herself deliberately to please me. That I should
resent. I know that women in order to please an unsuspecting male will
walk weary miles by his side with blisters on their feet and a beatific
smile on their faces. But Judith has far too much commonsense.
Another pleasing feature of the day’s jaunt has been the absence of
the appeal to sentimentality which Judith of late, especially since her
return from Paris, has been overfond of making. This idle habit of
mind, for such it is in reality, has been arrested by an intellectual
interest. One of her great friends is Willoughby, the economic
statistician, who in his humorous moments, writes articles for popular
magazines, illustrated by scale diagrams. He will draw, for instance, a
series of men representing the nations of the world, and varying in bulk
and stature according to the respective populations; and over against
these he will set a series of pigs whose sizes are proportionate to the
amount of pork per head eaten by the different nationalities. To these
queer minds that live on facts (I myself could as easily thrive on a
diet of egg-shells) this sort of pictorial information is peculiarly
fascinating. But Judith, who like most women has a freakish mental as
well as physical digestion, delights in knowing how many hogs a
cabinet minister will eat during a lifetime, and how much of the
earth’s surface could be scoured by the world’s yearly output of
scrubbing-brushes. I don’t blame her for it any more than I blame her
for a love of radishes, which make me ill; it is not as if she had no
wholesome tastes. On the contrary, I commend her. Now, Willoughby, it
seems, has found the public appetite so great for these thought-saving
boluses of knowledge--unpleasant drugs, as it were, put up into gelatine
capsules--that he needs assistance. He has asked Judith to devil for
him, and I have to-day persuaded her to accept his offer. It will be an
excellent thing for the dear woman. It will be an absorbing occupation.
It will divert the current of her thoughts from the sentimentality that
I deprecate, and provided she does not serve up hard-boiled facts to me
at dinner, she will be the pleasanter companion.
The only return to it was when I kissed her at parting.
“That is the first, Marcus, for twelve hours,” she said; very sweetly,
it is true--but still reproachfully.
But Sacred Name of a Little Good Man! (as the depraved French people
say), what is the use of this continuous osculation between rational
beings of opposite sexes who set out to enjoy themselves? If only St.
Paul, in the famous passage when he says there is a time for this and a
time for that, had mentioned kissing, he would have done a great deal of
practical good.
July 13th.
To-night, for the first time since I came into the family estates (such
as they are), I feel the paralysis of aspiration occasioned by poverty.
If I were very rich, I would buy the two next houses, pull them down and
erect on the site a tower forty foot high. At the very top would be one
comfortable room to be reached by a lift, and in this room I could have
my being, while it listed me, and be secure from all kinds of incursions
and interruptions. Antoinette’s one-eyed cat could not scratch for
admittance; Antoinette herself could not enter under pretext of domestic
economics and lure me into profitless gossip; and I could defy Carlotta,
who is growing to be as pervasive as the smell of pickles over Crosse
& Blackwell’s factory. She comes in without knocking, looks at
picture-books, sprawls about doing nothing, smokes my best cigarettes,
hums tunes which she has picked up from barrel-organs, bends over me to
see what I am writing, munching her eternal sweetmeats in my ear, and
laughs at me when I tell her she has irremediably broken the thread of
my ideas. Of course I might be brutal and turn her out. But somehow I
forget to do so, until I realise--too late--the havoc she has made with
my work.
I did, however, think, when Miss Griggs mounted guard over Carlotta,
and Antoinette and her cat were busied with luncheon cook-pans, that
my solitude was unimperilled. I see now there is nothing for it but the
tower. And I cannot build the tower; so I am to be henceforward at the
mercy of anything feline or feminine that cares to swish its tail or its
skirts about my drawing-room.
I was arranging my notes, I had an illuminating inspiration concerning
the life of Francois Villon and the contemporary court of Cosmo de’
Medici; I was preparing to fix it in writing when the door opened and
Stenson announced:
“Mrs. Ordeyne and Miss Ordeyne.”
My Aunt Jessica and Dora came in and my inspiration went out. It hasn’t
come back yet.
My aunt’s apologies and Dora’s draperies filled the room. I must forgive
the invasion. They knew they were disturbing my work. They hoped I
didn’t mind.
“I wanted mamma to write, but she would come,” said Dora, in her hearty
voice. I murmured polite mendacities and offered chairs. Dora preferred
to stand and gaze about her with feminine curiosity. Women always seem
to sniff for Bluebeardism in a bachelor’s apartment.
“Why, what two beautiful rooms you have. And the books! There isn’t an
inch of wall-space!”
She went on a voyage of discovery round the shelves while my aunt
explained the object of their visit. Somebody, I forget who, had
lent them a yacht. They were making up a party for a summer cruise in
Norwegian fiords. The Thingummies and the So and So’s and Lord This and
Miss That had promised to come, but they were sadly in need of a man to
play host--I was to fancy three lone women at the mercy of the skipper.
I did, and I didn’t envy the skipper. What more natural, gushed my
aunt, than that they should turn to me, the head of the house, in their
difficulty?
“I am afraid, my dear aunt,” said I, “that my acquaintance with
skipper-terrorising hosts is nil. I can’t suggest any one.”
“But who asked you to suggest any one?” she laughed. “It is you yourself
that we want to persuade to have pity on us.”
“I have--much pity,” said I, “for if it’s rough, you’ll all be horribly
seasick.”
Dora ran across the room from the book-case she was inspecting.
“I would like to shake him! He is only pretending he doesn’t understand.
I don’t know what we shall do if you won’t come with us.”
“You can’t refuse, Marcus. It will be an ideal trip--and such a
comfortable yacht--and the deep blue fiords--and we’ve got a French
chef. You will be doing us such a favour.”
“Come, say ‘Yes,’” said Dora.
I wish she were not such a bouncing Juno of a girl. Large, athletic
women with hearty voices are difficult for one to deal with. I am a
match for my aunt, whom I can obfuscate with words. But Dora doesn’t
understand my satire; she gives a great, healthy laugh, and says, “Oh,
rot!” which scatters my intellectual armoury.
“It is exceedingly kind of you to think of me,” I said to my aunt, “and
the proposal is tempting--the prospect is indeed fascinating--but--”
“But what?”
“I have so many engagements,” I answered feebly.
My Aunt Jessica rose, smiling indulgently upon me, as if I were a spoilt
little boy, and took me on to the balcony, while Dora demurely retired
to the bookshelves in the farther room. “Can’t you manage to throw them
aside? Poor Dora will be inconsolable.”
I stared at her for a moment and then at Dora’s broad back and sturdy
hips. Inconsolable? I can’t make out what the good lady is driving at.
If she were a vulgar woman trying to squeeze her way into society and
needed the lubricant of the family baronetcy, I could understand her
eagerness to parade me as her appanage. But titles in her drawing-room
are as common as tea-cups. And the inconsolability of Dora--
“If I did come she would be bored to death,” said I.
“She is willing to risk it.”
“But why should she seek martyrdom?”
“There is another reason,” said my aunt, ignoring my pertinent question,
but glancing at me reassuringly “there is another reason why it would be
well for you to come on this cruise with us.” She sank her voice. “You
met Miss Gascoigne in the park last week--”
“A very charming and kind young lady,” said I.
“I am afraid you have been a little indiscreet. People have been
talking.”
“Then theirs, not mine, is the indiscretion.”
“But, my dear Marcus, when you spring a good-looking young person, whom
you introduce as your Mohammedan ward, upon London society, and she
makes a scene in public--why--what else have people got to talk about?”
“They might fall back upon the doctrine of predestination or the price
of fish,” I replied urbanely.
“But I assure you, Marcus, that there is a hint of scandal abroad. It is
actually said that she is living here.”
“People will say anything, true or untrue,” said I.
My aunt sighfully acquiesced, and for a while we discussed the depravity
of human nature.
“I have been thinking,” she said at last, “that if you brought your
ward to see us, and she could accompany us on this cruise to Norway, the
scandal would be scotched outright.”
She glanced at me very keenly, and beneath her indulgent smile I saw the
hardness of the old campaigner. It was a clever trap she had prepared
for me.
I took her hand and in my noblest manner, like the exiled vicomte in
costume drama, bent over it and kissed her finger-tips.
“I thank you, my dear aunt, for your generous faith in my integrity,” I
said, “and I assure you your confidence is well founded.”
A loud, gay laugh from the other room interrupted me.
“Are you two rehearsing private theatricals?” cried Dora. As I was
attired in a remarkably old college blazer and a pair of yellow Moorish
slippers bought a couple of years ago in Tangier, and as my hair was
straight on end, owing to a habit of passing my fingers through it while
I work, my attitude perhaps did not strike a spectator as being so noble
as I had imagined. I took advantage of the anti-climax, however, to
bring my aunt from the balcony to the centre of the room, where Dora
joined us.
“Well, has mother prevailed?”
“My dear Dora,” said I, politely, “how can you imagine it could possibly
be a question of persuasion?”
“That might be taken two ways,” said Dora. “Like Palmerston’s ‘Dear Sir,
I’ll lose no time in reading your book.’” Dora is a minx.
“I fear,” said I, “that my pedantic historical sense must venture to
correct you. It was Lord Beaconsfield.”
“Well, he got it from Palmerston,” insisted Dora.
“You children must not quarrel,” interposed my aunt, in the fond,
maternal tone which I find peculiarly unpleasant. “Marcus will see how
his engagements stand, and let us know in a day or two.”
“When do you propose to start?” I asked.
“Quite soon. On the 20th.
“I will let you know finally in good time,” said I.
As I accompanied them downstairs, I heard a door at the end of the
passage open, and turning I saw Carlotta’s pretty head thrust past the
jamb, and her eyes fixed on the visitors. I motioned her back, sharply,
and my aunt and Dora made an unsuspecting exit. The noise of their
departing chariot wheels was music to my ears.
Carlotta came rushing out of her sitting-room followed by Miss Griggs,
protesting.
“Who those fine ladies?” she cried, with her hands on my sleeve.
“Who _are_ those ladies?” I corrected.
“Who _are_ those ladies?” Carlotta repeated, like a demure parrot.
“They are friends of mine.”
Then came the eternal question.
“Is she married, the young one?”
“Miss Griggs,” said I, “kindly instil into Carlotta’s mind the fact that
no young English woman ever thinks about marriage until she is actually
engaged, and then her thoughts do not go beyond the wedding.”
“But is she?” persisted Carlotta.
“I wish to heaven she was,” I laughed, imprudently, “for then she would
not come and spoil my morning’s work.”
“Oh, she wants to marry you,” said Carlotta.
“Miss Griggs,” said I, “Carlotta will resume her studies,” and I went
upstairs, sighing for the beautiful tower with a lift outside.
July 14th.
Pasquale came in about nine o’clock, and found us playing cards.
He is a bird of passage with no fixed abode. Some weeks ago he gave up
his chambers in St. James’s, and went to live with an actor friend, a
grass-widower, who has a house in the St. John’s Wood Road close by. Why
Pasquale, who loves the palpitating centres of existence, should choose
to rusticate in this semi-arcadian district, I cannot imagine. He says
he can think better in St. John’s Wood.
Pasquale think! As well might a salmon declare it could sing better in a
pond! The consequence of his propinquity, however, has been that he
has dropped in several times lately on his way home, but generally at a
later hour.
“Oh, please don’t move and spoil the picture,” he cried. “Oh, you
idyllic pair! And what are you playing? Cribbage! If I had been
challenged to guess the game you would have selected for your
after-dinner entertainment, I should have sworn to cribbage!”
“An excellent game,” said I. Indeed, it is the only game that I
remember. I dislike cards. They bore me to death. So dus chess. People
love to call them intellectual pastimes; but, surely, if a man
wants exercise for his intellect, there are enough problems in this
complicated universe for him to worry his brains over, with more profit
to himself and the world. And as for the pastime--I consider that when
two or more intelligent people sit down to play cards they are insulting
one another’s powers of conversation. These remarks do not apply to my
game with Carlotta, who is a child, and has to be amused. She has picked
up cribbage with remarkable quickness, and although this is only the
third evening we have played, she was getting the better of me when
Pasquale appeared.
I repeated my statement. Cribbage certainly was an excellent game.
Pasquale laughed.
“Of course it is. A venerable pastime. Darby and Joan have played it of
evenings for the last thousand years. Please go on.”
But Carlotta threw her cards on the table and herself on the sofa and
said she would prefer to hear Pasquale talk.
“He says such funny things.”
Then she jumped from the sofa and handed him the box of chocolates that
is never far from her side. How lithe her movements are!
“Pasquale says you were his schoolmaster, and used to beat him with a
big stick,” she remarked, turning her head toward me, while Pasquale
helped himself to a sweet.
He was clumsy in his selection, and the box slipped from Carlotta’s
hand and the contents rolled upon the floor. They both went on hands and
knees to pick them up, and there was much laughing and whispering.
It is curious that I cannot recall Pasquale having alluded, in
Carlotta’s presence, to our early days. It was on my tongue to ask
when he committed the mendacity--for in that school not only did the
assistant masters not have the power of the cane, but Pasquale, being
in the sixth form at the time I joined, was exempt from corporal
punishment--when they both rose flushed from their grovelling beneath
the table, and some merry remark from Pasquale put the question out of
my head.
All this is unimportant. The main result of Pasquale’s visit this
evening is a discovery.
Now, is it, after all, a discovery, or only the non-moral intellect’s
sinister attribution of motives?
“A baby in long clothes would have seen through it,” said Pasquale.
“Lord bless you, if I were in your position I would go on board that
yacht, I’d make violent love to every female there, like the gentleman
in Mr. Wycherley’s comedy, I’d fill a salmon fly-book with samples of
their hair, I’d make them hate one another like poison, and at the end
of the voyage I’d announce my engagement to Carlotta, and when they
all came to the wedding I’d make the fly-book the most conspicuous of
wedding presents on the table, from the bridegroom to the bride. By
George! I’d cure them of the taste for man-hunting!”
I wonder what impelled me to tell Pasquale of the proposed yachting
cruise? We sat smoking by the open window, long after Carlotta had been
sent to bed, and looking at a full moon sailing over the tops of the
trees in the park; enveloped in that sensuous atmosphere of a warm
summer night which induces a languor in the body and in the will. On
such a night as this young Lorenzo, if he happens to have Jessica by his
side, makes a confounded idiot of himself, to his life’s undoing; and
on such a night as this a reserved philosopher commits the folly of
discussing his private affairs with a Sebastian Pasquale.
But if he is correct in his surmise, I am much beholden to the relaxing
influences of the night. I have been warned of perils that encompass me:
perils that would infest the base and insidiously scale the sides of the
most inaccessible tower that man could build on the edge of the Regent’s
Park. A woman with a Matrimonial Purpose would be quite capable of
gaining access by balloon to my turret window. Is it not my Aunt
Jessica’s design melodramatically to abduct me in a yacht?
“Once aboard the pirate lugger, and the man is ours!” she cries.
But the man is not coming aboard the pirate lugger. He is going to keep
as far as he possibly can from the shore. Neither is he to be lured into
bringing his lovely Mohammedan ward with him, as an evidence of good
faith and unimpeachable morals. They can regard her as a Mohammedan ward
or a houri or a Princess of Babylon, just as they choose.
Pasquale must be right. A hundred remembered incidents go to prove it. I
recollect now that Judith has rallied me on my obtuseness.
The sole end of all my Aunt Jessica’s manoeuvring is to marry me to
Dora, and Dora, like Barkis, is willing. Marry Dora! The thought is a
febrifuge, a sudorific! She would be thumping discords on my wornout
strings all day long. In a month I should be a writhing madman. I would
sooner, infinitely sooner, marry Carlotta. Carlotta is nature; Dora
isn’t even art. Why, in the name of men and angels, should I marry Dora?
And why (save to call herself Lady Ordeyne) should she want to marry
me? I have not trifled with her virgin affections; and that she is
nourishing a romantic passion for me of spontaneous growth I decline to
believe. For aught I care she can be as inconsolable as Calypso. It
will do her good. She can write a little story about it in _The Sirens’
Magazine_.
I am shocked. For all her bouncing ways and animal health and incorrect
information, I thought Dora was a nice-minded girl.
Do nice-minded girls hunt husbands?
Good heavens! This looks like the subject of a silly-season
correspondence in _The Daily Telegraph_.