My dear Molly,--If it wasn't that I am supported in a wonderful way, and
that my appetite keeps good for the bit I eat, I would n't be able to
sit down here and relate the sufferings of my afflicted heart There has
been nothing but trials and tribulations over me since I wrote last, and
I knew it was coming, too, for that dirty beast, Paddy Byrne, upset
the lamp, and spilled all the oil over the sofa the other evening; and
whilst the others were scouring and scrubbing with spirit of soap and
neumonia, I sat down to cry heartily, for I foresaw what was coming; and
I knew well that spilt oil is the unluckiest thing that ever happens in
a family.
Maybe I wasn't right The very next morning Betty Cobb goes and cuts my
antic lace flounce down the middle, to make borders for caps; and that
wasn't enough, but she puts the front breadth of my new flowered satin
upside down, so that, "to make the roses go right," as James says, "I
ought to walk on my head." That's spilt oil for you!
Whilst I was endeavoring to bear up against these with all Christian
animosity, in comes the post-bag. The very sight of it, Molly, gave me a
turn; and, I declare to you, I knew as well there was bad news in it as
if I was inside of it. You've often beard of a "presentment" Molly,
and that's what I had; and when you have that, it's no matter what it's
about, whether it's a road that's broke up, or a bridge that's broke
down, take my advice, and never listen to what they call "reason," for
it's just flying in the face of Providence. I had one before Mary Anne
was born. I thought the poor baby would have the mark of a snail on her
neck; and true enough, the very same week K. I. was shot through the
skirts of his coat, and came home with five slugs in him; and when you
think, as Father Maher said, "Slugs and snails are own brothers," or, at
least, have a strong anomaly between them, my dream came true; not but I
acknowledge, gratefully, that in this case the fright was worse than the
reality.
Well, to come back to the bag; I looked at it, and said to myself, as I
often said to K. I., "Smooth and slippery as you seem without, there's
bad inside of you;" and you 'll see yourself if I was n't right both
ways.
The first letter they took out was for myself, and in Waters's
handwriting. It began with all the balderdash and hard names the lawyers
have for everything, trying to confuse and confound, just as, Father
Maher says, the "scuttle-fish" muddies the water before he runs away;
but towards the end, my dear, he grew plainer and more conspicuous, for
he said, "You will perceive, by the subjoined account, that after the
payment of law charges, and other contingent expenses, the sum at your
disposal will amount to twelve hundred and thirty-four pounds six and
ninepence-halfpenny." I thought I 'd drop, Molly, as I read it; I
shook and I trembled, and I believe, indeed, ended with a strong fit of
screeching, for my nerves was weak before, and really this shock was
too much for any constitution. Twelve hundred and thirty-six! when I
expected, at the very least, fifteen or sixteen thousand pounds! It was
only that very blessed morning that I was planning to myself about a
separation from K. I. I calculated that I 'd have about six hundred a
year of my own; and, out of decency sake, he could n't refuse me three
or four more, and with this, and my present knowledge of the Continent,
I thought I 'd do remarkably well. For I must observe to you, Molly,
that there's no manner of disgrace, or even unpleasantness, in being
separated abroad. It is not like in Ireland, where everybody thinks the
worse of you both; and, what between your own friends and your husband's
friends, there is n't an event of your private life that 's not laid
bare before the world, so that, at last, the defence of you turns out
to be just as dreadful as the abuse. No, Molly, here it's all different
Next to being divorced, the most fashionable thing is a separation, and
for one woman, in really high life, that lives with her husband, you 'll
find three that does not. I suppose, like everything else in this sinful
world, there's good and there 's bad in this custom. When I first came
abroad, I own, I disliked to see it. I fancied that, no matter how it
came about, the women was always wrong. But that was merely an Irish
prejudice, and, like many others, I have lived to get rid of it. There
's nothing convinces you of this so soon as knowing intimately the
ladies that are in this situation.
Of all the amiable creatures I ever met, I know nothing to compare with
them. It is not merely of manners and good breeding that I speak,
but the gentle, mild quietness of their temper,--a kind of submissive
softness that, I own to you, one can't have with their husbands, and
maybe that's the reason they 've left them. I merely mention this to
show you that if I had a reasonably good income, and was separated from
K. I., there 's no society abroad that I mightn't be in; and, in fact,
my dear Molly, I may sum all up by saying that living with your husband
may give you some comfort when you 're at home, but it certainly
excludes you from all sympathy abroad; and for one friend that you have
in the former case, you 'll have, at the least, ten in the latter.
This will explain to you why and how my thoughts ran upon separation,
for if I had stayed in Ireland, I 'm sure I 'd never have thought of
it; for I own to you, with shame and sorrow, Molly, that we know no more
about civilization in our poor Ireland "than," as Lord George says, "a
prairie bull does about oil-cake."
You may judge, then, of what my feelings was when I read Waters's
letter, and saw all my elegant hopes melting like jelly on a hot plate.
Twelve hundred pounds! Was it out of mockery he left it to me? Faith,
Molly, I cried more that night than ever I thought to do for old Jones
M'Carthy! Myself and Mary Anne was as red in the eyes as two ferrets.
The first, and of course the great shock was the loss of the money,
and after that came the thought of the way K. I. would behave when he
discovered my disappointment. For I must tell you that the bare idea of
my being independent drove him almost crazy. He seemed, somehow, to have
a kind of lurking suspicion that I'd want to separate, and now, when he
'd come to discover the trifle I was left, there would be no enduring
his gibes and his jeers. I had it all before me how he 'd go on,
tormenting and harassing me from daylight to dark. This was dreadful,
Molly, and overcame me completely. I knew him well; and that he would
n't be satisfied with laughing at my legacy, but he 'd go on to abuse
the M'Carthy family and all my relations. There's nothing a low man
detests like the real old nobility of a country.
Mary Anne and I talked it all over the whole night, and turned it every
way we could think. If we kept the whole secret, it would save "going
into black" for ourselves and the servants, and that was a great object;
but then we could n't take the name of M'Carthy after that of Dodd,
quartering the arms on our shield, and so on, without announcing
the death of poor Jones M'Carthy. There was the hitch; for Mary Anne
persisted in thinking that the best thing about it all was the elegant
opportunity it offered of getting rid of the name of Dodd, or, at the
least, hiding it under the shadow of M'Carthy.
Ah, my dear Molly, you know the proverb, "Man proposes, but fate
opposes." While we were discoursing over these things, little I guessed
the mine that was going to explode under my feet. I mentioned to you in
my last, I think, a lady with whom we agreed to travel in company,--a
Mrs. Gore Hampton, a very handsome, showy woman,--though I own to you,
Molly, not what I call "one of _my_ beauties."
She is tall and dark-haired, and has that kind of soft, tender way with
men that I remark does more mischief than any other. We all liked her
greatly at first,--I suppose she determined we should, and spared no
pains to suit herself to our various dispositions. I 'm sure I tried to
be as accommodating as she was, and I took to arts and sciences that
I could n't find any pleasure in; but I went with the stream, as the
saying is, and you 'll see where it left me! I vow to you I had my
misgivings that a handsome, fine-looking young woman was only thinking
of dried frogs and ferns. They were n't natural tastes, and so I kept a
sharp eye on her. At one time I suspected she was tender on Lord George,
and then I thought it was James; but at last, Molly darling, the truth
flashed across me, like a streak of lightning, making me stone blind
in a minute! What was it I perceived, do you think, but that the real
"Lutherian" was no other than K. I. himself? I feel that I 'm blushing
as I write it The father of three children, grown-up, and fifty-eight in
November, if he's not more, but he won't own to it.
There's things, Molly, "too dreadful," as Father Maher remarks, "for
human credulity," and when one of them comes across you in life, the
only thing is to take up the Litany to St Joseph, and go over it once or
twice, then read a chapter or two of Dr. Croft's "Modern Miracles of the
Church," and by that time you're in a frame to believe anything. Well,
as I had n't the book by me, I thought I 'd take a solitary ramble by
myself, to reflect and consider, and down I went to a kind of greenhouse
that is full of orange and lemon trees, and where I was sure to be
alone.
K. I. has what he calls his dressing-room--it's little trouble dressing
gives him--at the end of this; but I was n't attending to that, but
sitting with a heavy heart under a dwarf fig-tree, like Nebuchadnezzar,
and only full of my own misfortunes, when I heard through the trees the
rustling sound of a woman's dress. I bent down my head to see, and there
was Mrs. G. in a white muslin dressing-gown, but elegantly trimmed with
Malines lace, two falls round the cape, and the same on the arm, just as
becoming a thing as any she could put on.
"What's this for?" said I to myself; for you may guess I knew she
did n't dress that way to pluck lemons and green limes; and so I sat
watching her in silence. She stood, evidently listening, for a minute
or two; she then gathered two or three flowers, and stuck them in her
waist, and, after that, she hummed a few bars of a tune, quite low,
and as if to herself. That was, I suppose, a signal, for K. I.'s door
opened; and there he stood himself, and a nice-looking article he was,
with his ragged _robe de chambre_, and his greasy skull-cap, bowing
and scraping like an old monkey. "I little knew that such a flower
was blooming in the conservatory," said he, with a smirk I suppose he
thought quite captivating.
"You do not pretend that you selected your apartment here but in the
hope of watching the unfolding buds," replied she; and then, with
something in a lower voice, to which he answered in the same, she passed
on into his room, and he closed the door after her.
I suppose I must have fainted, Molly, after that. I remembered nothing,
except seeing lemon and orange trees all sliding and flitting about, and
felt myself as if I was shooting down the Rhine on a raft. Maybe it's
for worse that I 'm reserved. Maybe it would have been well for me if
I was carried away out of this world of woe, wickedness, and artful
widows. When I came to myself, I suddenly recalled everything; and it
was as much as I could do not to scream out and bring all the house to
the spot and expose them both. But I subdued my indigent feelings, and,
creeping over to the door, I peeped at them through the keyhole.
K. I. was seated in his big chair, she in another close beside him. He
was reading a letter, and she watching him, as if her life depended on
him.
"Now read this," said she, thrusting another paper into his hand, "for
you 'll see it is even worse."
[Illustration: 278]
"My heart bleeds for you, my dear Mrs. Gore," said he, taking off his
spectacles and wiping his eyes, and red enough they were afterwards, for
there was snuff on his handkerchief,--"my heart bleeds for you!"
These were his words; and why I didn't break open the door when I heard
them, is more than I can tell.
"I was certain of your sympathy; I knew you 'd feel for me, my dear Mr.
Dodd," said she, sobbing.
"Of course you were," said I to myself. "He was the kind of old fool
you wanted. But, faith, he shall feel for _me_, too, or my name is not
Jemima."
"I don't suppose you ever heard of so cruel a case?" said she, still
sobbing.
"Never,--never," cried he, clasping his hands. "I did n't believe it was
in the nature of man to treat youth, beauty, and loveliness with such
inhumanity. One that could do it must be a Creole Indian."
"Ah, Mr. Dodd!" said she, looking up into his eyes.
"In Tartary, or the Tropics," said he, "such wretches may be found, but
in our own country and our own age--"
"Ah, Mr. Dodd," said she, again, "it is only in an Irish heart such
generous emotions have their home!"
The artful hussey, she knew the tenderest spot of his nature by an
instinct! for if there was anything he could n't resist, it was the
appeal to his being Irish. And to show you, Molly, the designing
craft of her, _she_ knew that weakness of K. I. in less than a month's
acquaintance, that _I_ did n't find out till I was eight or nine years
married to him.
For a minute or two my feelings overcame me so much that I could n't
look or listen to them; but when I did, she had her hand on his arm, and
was saying in the softest voice,--
"I may, then, count upon your kindness,--I may rest assured of your
friendship."
"That you may,--that you may, my dear madam," said he.
Yes, Molly, he called her "madam" to her own face.
"If there should be any cruel enough, ungenerous enough, or base
enough," sobbed she, "to calumniate me, _you_ will be my protector;
and beneath _your_ roof shall I find my refuge. _Your_ character--your
station in society--the honorable position you have ever held in
the world--your claims as a father--your age--will all give the best
contradiction to any scandal that malevolence can invent. Those dear
venerable locks--"
Just as she said this, I heard somebody coming, and in haste too, for a
flower-pot was thrown down, and I had barely time to make my escape to
my own room, where I threw myself on my bed, and cried for two hours.
I have gone through many trials, Molly. Few women, I believe, have seen
more affliction and sorrow than myself; from the day of my ill-suited
marriage with K. I. to the present moment, I may say, it has been out
of one misery into another with me ever since. But I don't think I ever
cried as hearty as I did then, for, you see, there was no delusion
or confusion possible! I heard everything with my own ears, and saw
everything with my own eyes.
I listened to their plans and projects, and even heard them rejoicing
that, because he was stricken in years, and the father of a grown
family, nobody would suspect what he was at "Those dear venerable
locks," as she called them, were to witness for him!
Oh, Molly, wasn't this too bad; could you believe that there was as much
duplicity in the world as this? _I_ own, _I_ never did. I thought I saw
wickedness enough in Ireland. I know the shameless way I was cheated in
wool, and that Mat never was honest about rabbit-skins. But what was all
that compared to this?
When I grew more composed, I sent for Mary Anne, and told her
everything; but just to show you the perversity of human nature, she
would n't agree to one word I said. It was law papers, she was sure,
that Mrs. G. was showing; she had something in Chancery, maybe, or
perhaps it was a legacy "tied up," like our own, "and that she wanted
advice about it" But what nonsense that was! Sure, he needn't be the
father of a family to advise her about all that. And there I was, Molly,
without human creature to support or sustain me! For the first time
since I came abroad, I wished myself back in Dodsborough. Not, indeed,
that K. I. would ever have behaved this way at home in Ireland, with the
eyes of the neighborhood on him, and Father Maher within call.
I passed a weary night of it, for Mary Anne never left me, arguing and
reasoning with me, and trying to convince me that I was wrong, and if I
was to act upon my delusions, that I 'd be the ruin of them all. "Here
we are now," said she, "with the finest opportunity for getting into
society ever was known. Mrs. G. is one of the aristocracy, and intimate
with everybody of fashion: quarrel with her, or even displease her,
and where will we be, or who will know us? Our difficulties are already
great enough. Papa's drab gaiters, and the name of Dodd, are obstacles
in our way, that only great tact and first-rate management can get over.
When we are swimming for our lives," said she, "let us not throw away
a life-preserver." Was n't it a nice name for a woman that was going to
shipwreck a whole family.
The end of it all was, however, that I was to restrain my feelings, and
be satisfied to observe and watch what was going on, for as they could
have no conception of my knowing anything, I might be sure to detect
them.
When I agreed to this plan, I grew easier in my mind, for, as I remarked
to Mary Anne, "I 'm like soda-water, and when you once draw the cork,
I never fret nor froth any more." So that after a cold chicken, cut up
with salad, a thing Mary Anne makes to perfection, and a glass of white
wine negus, I slept very soundly till late in the afternoon.
Mary Anne came twice into my room to see if I was awake, but I was lying
in a dreamy kind of half-sleep, and took no notice of her, till she said
that Mrs. Gore Hampton was so anxious to speak to me about something
confidentially. "I think," said Mary Anne, "she wants your advice
and counsel for some matter of difficulty, because she seems greatly
agitated, and very impatient to be admitted." I thought at first to say
I was indisposed, and could n't see any one; but Mary Anne persuaded me
it was best to let her in; so I dressed myself in my brown satin with
three flounces, and my jet ornaments, out of respect to poor Jones that
was gone, and waited for her as composed as could be.
Mary Anne has often remarked that there's a sort of quiet dignity in my
manner when I 'm offended, that becomes me greatly. I suppose I'm more
engaging when I am pleased. But the grander style, Mary Anne thinks,
becomes me even better. Upon this occasion I conclude that I was looking
my very best, for I saw that Mrs. G. made an involuntary stop as she
entered, and then, as if suddenly correcting herself, rushed over to
embrace me.
"Forgive my rudeness, my dear Mrs. Dodd, and although nothing can be
in worse taste than to offer any remark upon a friend's dress, I must
positively do it. Your cap is charming,--actually charming."
It was a bit of net, Molly, with a rosette of pink and blue ribbon on
the sides, and only cost eight francs, so that I showed her that
the flattery didn't succeed. "It's very simple, ma'am," said I, "and
therefore more suitable to my time of life."
"Your time of life," said she, laughing, so that for several minutes she
could n't continue. "Say _our_ time of life, if you like, and I hope and
trust it's exactly the time in which one most enjoys the world, and is
really most fitted to adorn it."
I can't follow her, Molly; I don't know what she said, or did n't say,
about princesses, and duchesses, and other great folk, that made no
"sensation" whatever in society till they were, as she said, "like us."
She is an artful creature, and has a most plausible way with her; but
this I must say, that many of her remarks were strictly and undeniably
true; particularly when she spoke about the dignified repose and calm
suavity of womanhood. There I was with her completely, for nothing
shocks me more than that giggling levity one sees in young girls; and
even in some young married women.
We talked a great deal on this subject, and I agreed with her so
entirely that I was in danger every moment of forgetting the cold
reserve that I ought to feel towards her; but every now and then it came
over me like a shudder, and I bridled up, and called her "ma'am" in a
way that quite chilled her.
"Here, it's four o'clock," said she, at last, looking at her watch, "and
I have n't yet said one word about what I came for. Of course you know
what I mean?"
"I have not that honor, ma'am," said I, with dignity.
"Indeed! Then Mr. Dodd has not apprised you--he has mentioned nothing--"
"No, ma'am, Mr. Dodd has mentioned nothing;" and this I said with a
significance, Molly, that even stone would have shrunk under.
"Men are too absurd," said she, laughing; "they recollect nothing."
"They do forget themselves at times, ma'am," said I, with a look that
must have shot through her.
She was so confused, Molly, that she had to pretend to be looking for
something in her bag, and held down her head for several seconds.
"Where can I have laid that letter?" said she. "I am so very careless
about letters; fortunately for me I have no secrets, is it not?"