Excepting for their money, English tourists are perhaps not highly
valued on the Continent. We would therefore offer a few practical
suggestions, which, now that the tourist season has returned, will be
found, no doubt, invaluable to Britons when abroad:--
1. When you begin inspecting a foreign town or city, it is wise to
stalk along the middle of the streets, and make facetious comments on
whatever you think funny. Laugh loudly at queer names which you see
above shop-windows, especially if their owners, as is frequently the
case, are lounging by the doorposts.
2. When you go into a church, strut and stare about as though you were
examining a picture exhibition. Display contemptuous pity for the
worshippers assembled, and make in a loud voice whatever critical
remarks you happen to think proper.
3. If, while you take your walks abroad, you encounter an unfledged
and enthusiastic traveller, who daringly attempts to enter into
conversation with you, do your best to snub him in recital of his
exploits, and render him dissatisfied with his most active feats.
Interrupt his narrative with pitying exclamations, such as "Ah, I see!
you went by the wrong route;" or, "O, then you _just_ missed _the_
very finest point of view." You may discover, very likely, he has seen
much more than you have: but by judicious reticence you may conceal
this awkward secret, and render him well-nigh as discontented as
yourself.
4. When you are forced to start upon some mountain expedition, let
everybody learn what an early bird you are, and awaken them to take a
lively interest in your movements. Stamp about your room in your very
thickest boots, and, if you have a friend who sleeps a few doors off,
keep bellowing down the passage at the tiptop of your voice, although
there may be invalids in plenty within earshot.
5. Should you gallantly be acting as a _courrier des dames_, mind that
your lady friends are called an hour sooner than they need to be. A
pleasant agitation will be thus caused near their bedrooms. They will
amuse those sleeping next them with an incessant small talk, and, as
their maid will be dispatched on endless little errands, their door
will be heard creaking and banging-to incessantly until they clatter
downstairs.
6. When you come into a drawing-room or _salon de lecture_, make
your triumphal entry with all the noise you can, so as to attract the
general attention. Keep your hat upon your head and glare fiercely
at the quiet people who are reading, as though, like Gessler, you
expected them to kneel down and pay homage to it.
7. Should your neighbour at the _table d'hôte_ attempt to broach a
conversation with you, turn your deaf ear, if you have one, to his
insolent intrusion. If in kindliness of spirit he will still persist
in talking, freeze the current of his speech by your iciness of
manner, or else awe him into silence by your majesty of bearing.
8. If, despite your English efforts to remain an island, you find
yourself invaded by aggressive foes to silence, strive to awe them by
the mention of your friend Lord Snobley, or of any other nobleman with
whom you may by accident have ever come in contact. For aught they
care to know, you may be his Lordship's hairdresser; but the title of
a lord is always pleasant hearing in the company of Britons, although
benighted foreigners have not such respect for it.
9. Never give yourself the trouble to order wine beforehand for the
_table d'hôte_, but growl and grumble savagely at waiters for not
bringing it the instant you _have_ ordered it, even though you happen
to have entered the room late, and find a hundred people waiting to be
served before you.
10. In all hotels where service is included in the bill, be sure you
always give a something extra to the servants. This leads them to
expect it as a thing of course, and to be insolent to those who can't
so well afford to give it.
* * *
UNPLEASANTLY SUGGESTIVE NAMES OF "CURE" PLACES ABROAD.--_Bad
Gastein._ Which must be worse than the first day's sniff at
Bad-Eggs-la-Chapelle.
[Illustration: RECOLLECTIONS FROM ABROAD (FREE TRANSLATION)