I met him near the entrance of the Institute, where I was waiting to see
the Superintendent. He approached with light, nervous steps, and his
haggard eyes met mine questioningly.
"A fine morning," I remarked.
"It is," he agreed; "and if you would be good enough to tell me the day
of the week--"
"It's Saturday," I said, wondering a little.
"I--I feared so," he said and clutched me by the arm. "Listen. This is
the day when I have to make up my five columns--seven hundred lines,
brevier type. It is my destiny to give advice, and you can have it
without the asking. Take, for example, the Rhode Island Rabbit--a noble
strain and rich in phosphates. Plant out at the beginning of April in a
mixture consisting of two parts road-grit, two parts table-scraps, and a
deed of assignment, and by the end of October they will be throwing up
magnificent clusters of yellow blossom. The Magellan Lop-eared is also
hardy and prolific, though pugnacious if reared under glass. In the
absence of a specified agreement a dose of tartaric acid that has been
well stewed with the mutton left over from Sunday will usually put
matters straight. Snip off shoots that show signs of becoming broody,
and give a mash of middlings at quarter-day.
"We now come to the Light Sussex Long-furred Goatlings. These can be
kept in hutches, which may be obtained at any oil-shop at about
fivepence per pint. Grasp firmly by the wings when lifting, and explain
the matter to your solicitor. Short-haired Pouters should be housed in
kennels which have been thoroughly disinfected with peat-moss,
cod-liver-oil emulsion and a good face-powder. A little boracic ointment
rubbed well into the roots before breakfast is also to be commended.
With regard to the Squirrel-tailed Borzois, during the period of weaning
try bicarbonate of soda, one scruple; sal volatile, one drachm; to be
taken every calendar month from date of contract."
A large, genial man, with an official manner--he was, I discovered, the
under-superintendent--approached, and the haggard man moved rapidly
away.
"A painful case," I observed.
"Very," said the large man. "Journalist of the name of Criddle--Jabez
Wilberforce Criddle. He used to run the Gardening section of _The Sunday
Helio_. Then the chap that was responsible for the 'Legal Advice' was
called up, and Criddle got his column as well as his own. Next, the
'Poultry Gossip' man went, and they gave Criddle that, and when a week
later the 'Cookery Notes' woman took up V.A.D. work he got her share
too. He struggled along gamely enough until 'Auntie Gladys,' who ran
'Our Baby' column, became a tram-conductress; but, when they passed him
that, his mind went, and the proprietors sent him here."