thought as much. Where did you last come from?
SAINT ANTHONY
From Paradise.
THE SERGEANT
What Paradise? Where is that land of malefactors?
SAINT ANTHONY
It is the place to which the souls of those who have died in the Lord
ascend after their death.
THE SERGEANT
I see, I see, I understand! You’re coming the artful over me! You’re
pulling my leg! First you’re impudent and now you’re being clever! Very
well, your case is quite clear: we’ll soon settle it.... (_To GUSTAVE._)
Let’s hear what he has done. What has he stolen?
GUSTAVE
I can’t yet say for certain that he has stolen anything; I haven’t had
time to take stock of things; and I don’t like to accuse him without
being sure. We must be just before all things. But he has done something
more serious.
THE SERGEANT
I never doubted it.
GUSTAVE
You know the loss which we have suffered. While we were mourning the dear
departed and finishing our lunch, he made his way into the house under
some pretext or other, with intentions which you can easily guess. He
took advantage of the maid’s simplicity and credulousness to have the
door opened of the room where the body was laid out. He obviously hoped
to turn our disorder and grief to account in order to fish in troubled
waters and make a haul. He may have learnt through an accomplice that our
aunt’s jewels and silver were put out on the mantelpiece. Unfortunately
for him, our aunt was not dead. And, suddenly, seeing this repellent
figure in her room, she woke up, cried out and spoke to him roundly and
pluckily. Then, to take revenge for his discomfiture, I don’t know
how—the doctor will explain—he deprived her of the use of her speech;
and, notwithstanding our entreaties, he refuses to restore it to her,
naturally hoping to make us pay through the nose. Mind you, I am making
no accusations; I am simply stating the facts. As for the rest, you can
ask the doctor.
THE DOCTOR
I will furnish all the necessary explanations before the Commissary; if
he wishes it, I will draw up a report.
ACHILLE
Meanwhile, there’s no mistake about it: he’s either a criminal or a
madman, perhaps both. In any case, he’s a dangerous person who must
absolutely be locked up.
THE SERGEANT
That’s quite clear. We’ll get rid of him for you. (_To the POLICEMAN._)
Rabutteau!
POLICEMAN
Yes, Sergeant.
THE SERGEANT
The handcuffs.
GUSTAVE
Sergeant, it was very good of you and your mate to come round. Before
leaving us, you must do us the pleasure of taking a glass of something
with us.
THE SERGEANT
We won’t say no to that, eh, Rabutteau? Especially as the prisoner looks
like a tough customer.
GUSTAVE
Joseph, bring a bottle and some glasses. (_Exit JOSEPH._) We will all
drink to my aunt’s recovery.
THE SERGEANT
It’ll do us no harm in this weather.
GUSTAVE
Is it still raining?
THE SERGEANT
In torrents. I’ve only come the length of the street; look at my cape.
POLICEMAN
You can’t tell if it’s raining or snowing, but it’s worse than either.
(_Enter JOSEPH with a tray filled with glasses, which he hands round._)
THE SERGEANT
(_Raising his glass._) Ladies and gentlemen, your very good health!
GUSTAVE
(_Touching glasses with the SERGEANT._) Sergeant, your health! (_They all
touch glasses with the SERGEANT._) Have another?
THE SERGEANT
I don’t mind. (_Smacking his lips._) That’s good wine, that is!
SAINT ANTHONY
I’m thirsty. I should like a glass of water.
THE SERGEANT
(_Grinning._) A glass of water! D’ye hear him? You shall have some
water, my lad; you wait till we’re outside; it’ll come pouring into
your mouth.... Come, we’ve hung around long enough.... Rabutteau, the
handcuffs; and you, put out your hands....
SAINT ANTHONY
But I haven’t....
THE SERGEANT
What! Resistance and protests! That’s the last straw! They’re all alike!
(_A ring at the front-door._)
GUSTAVE
A ring at the bell! (_JOSEPH goes to the front-door._) What’s the time?
Perhaps it’s the first guests.
ACHILLE
Hardly. It’s not three yet. (_Enter the COMMISSARY OF POLICE._) Hallo,
it’s Monsieur Mitrou, the Commissary of Police!
THE COMMISSARY
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I heard... (_Catching sight of
SAINT ANTHONY._) Why, I thought as much: it’s Saint Anthony himself, the
great Saint Anthony of Padua!...
GUSTAVE
You know him, then?
THE COMMISSARY
Know him? I should think I did know him! It’s the third time that he’s
escaped.... You know, he’s a little.... (_He taps his forehead with his
finger._) And at each escape he does the same tricks: he cures the sick,
heals cripples, practises medicine without a license—in short, commits a
number of illegal actions.... (_Goes up to SAINT ANTHONY and examines him
more attentively._) Yes, it’s he.... Or at least.... But he has changed
a good deal since his last escapade.... Anyway, if it’s not he, it must
be his brother.... There’s something that’s not quite clear to me. We’ll
look into it at the police-station. Come along, I’m in a hurry; come
along, lads, quick, to the station, to the station!
GUSTAVE
Better let him out this way, through the garden; it’ll attract less
notice. (_JOSEPH opens the garden door, admitting a whirl of rain, sleet
and wind._)
ACHILLE
Brrr, what weather! It’s raining, snowing, hailing! (_They push SAINT
ANTHONY to the door._)
VIRGINIE
(_Running up._) But, sir, the poor man!... Look, he’s bare-footed!
GUSTAVE
Well, what of it? Do you want us to send for a carriage? Or a shrine,
perhaps?
VIRGINIE
No, I’ll lend him my sabots. Take them, Saint Anthony; I have another
pair.
SAINT ANTHONY
(_Putting on the sabots._) Thank you. (_His halo lights up._)
VIRGINIE
And are you putting nothing on your head? You’ll catch cold.
SAINT ANTHONY
I haven’t anything.
VIRGINIE
Take my little shawl. I’ll run and fetch you my umbrella. (_She hurries
out._)
ACHILLE
The old fool.
GUSTAVE
This is all very well, but meanwhile we’re standing in the devil of a
draught.... Come, take him to the station and let’s have an end of this.
VIRGINIE
(_Returning with an enormous umbrella, which she offers to SAINT
ANTHONY._) Here’s my umbrella.
SAINT ANTHONY
(_Showing his hands._) They’ve fastened my hands.
VIRGINIE
I’ll hold it for you. (_Standing on the threshold, she opens the umbrella
to shelter SAINT ANTHONY, who goes out between the two POLICEMEN,
followed by the COMMISSARY. The SAINT’S halo shines under the umbrella;
and the group moves away over the snow in the garden._)
GUSTAVE
(_Closing the door._) At last!
ACHILLE
A good riddance to bad rubbish!
GUSTAVE
(_Going to the bed._) Well, aunt?
ACHILLE
What’s the matter with her? She’s sinking, she’s falling back on the bed!
THE DOCTOR
(_Hurrying forward._) I don’t know.... I’m afraid....
GUSTAVE
(_Leaning over the bed._) Aunt, aunt!... Well?
THE DOCTOR
This time she is really dead. I told you so.
GUSTAVE
Impossible!
ACHILLE
But, doctor, look here! Is there nothing to be done?
THE DOCTOR
Nothing at all, I fear.
(_A pause during which all gather round the bed._)
GUSTAVE
(_The first to recover his self-possession._) What a day!...
ACHILLE
Hark to the storm!...
GUSTAVE
After all, we were a little unkind to the poor beggar. If you come to
think of it, he really did us no harm!
CURTAIN