Come on, old fellow, didn’t you hear? It’s all very well getting tight;
you’ve got to pull yourself together now. Come on! Get out of this! You’d
better come quietly, or you’ll regret it: I can be pretty rough when I
like. You won’t? You just wait! Open the door, Virginie....
GUSTAVE
Wait, I’ll open it. (_Opens the street-door._)
JOSEPH
That’s it; we’ll soon get rid of him now. (_Turning up his sleeves and
spitting in his hands._) I’m going to show you what’s what. (_He grasps
SAINT ANTHONY firmly, with the intention of flinging him into the street.
The SAINT stands rooted to the spot, JOSEPH looks nonplussed._) Sir!
GUSTAVE
What’s the matter?
JOSEPH
I don’t know, sir. He seems fixed. I can’t get him to budge.
GUSTAVE
I’ll help you. (_Both of them try to push SAINT ANTHONY out, but he
remains immovable. GUSTAVE, in an undertone._) Well, upon my soul! He’s
dangerous. Be careful. He has the strength of a Hercules. Let’s try
being gentle with him. (_To SAINT ANTHONY._) Listen to me, my friend. You
understand, don’t you, that, on a day like this, when we’re burying my
aunt, my poor dear aunt....
SAINT ANTHONY
I have come to raise her from the dead....
GUSTAVE
But you understand, surely, that this is not the moment.... The
partridges are getting cold, the guests are waiting. Besides we are not
in the mood for laughing.
ACHILLE
(_Appears at the top of the steps, napkin in hand._) What’s the matter,
Gustave? What’s up? We’re waiting for the partridges.
GUSTAVE
Our friend here refuses to go away.
ACHILLE
Is he boozed?
GUSTAVE
Well, of course.
ACHILLE
Kick him out and have done with it. I don’t see why our good luncheon
should be spoilt for the sake of a dirty drunkard.
GUSTAVE
He won’t go.
ACHILLE
What’s that? Won’t go? We’ll soon see about that!...
GUSTAVE
All right, you try.
ACHILLE
I’m not going to tackle a dirty tramp like him. But there’s Joseph,
there’s the coachman.
GUSTAVE
We have tried; it’s no use; and, short of employing absolute violence....
(_More GUESTS appear at the door, most of them with their
mouths full, some with their napkins under their arms, others
with them tucked under their chins._)
A GUEST
What’s it all about?
ANOTHER
What are you doing, Gustave?
ANOTHER
What does the fellow want?
ANOTHER
Where has he sprung from?
GUSTAVE
He won’t go away. It’s another of Virginie’s blunders. As soon as she
catches sight of a beggar, she loses her head. It’s really too silly. She
let this madman in; and he insists on seeing Aunt Hortense and raising
her from the dead.
A GUEST
You should send for the police. Why don’t you?
GUSTAVE
No, no; no scandal! I don’t want the police in the house on a day like
this.
ACHILLE
(_Changing his tone._) Gustave.
GUSTAVE
Well?
ACHILLE
Have you noticed that two or three of the flags are cracked, over there
on the left, at the end of the hall?
GUSTAVE
Yes, I know. It doesn’t matter; I’m going to have a mosaic floor to take
the place of the flags.
ACHILLE
That’ll look more cheerful....
GUSTAVE
And, better still, more modern. Instead of that door, with the lace
curtains, I thought of having a painted window illustrating Hunting,
Industry and Progress, with a garland of fruit and game.
ACHILLE
Yes, that will be very nice.
GUSTAVE
As for my office, I intend to have it in there (_pointing to the
folding-doors_), with the clerks’ office opposite.
ACHILLE
When shall you move in?
GUSTAVE
A few days after the funeral. It would not do to come in the very next
day.
ACHILLE
No. But meanwhile we must get rid of this chap.
GUSTAVE
He’s made himself quite at home.
ACHILLE
(_To SAINT ANTHONY._) Won’t you have a chair?
SAINT ANTHONY
(_Naïvely._) No, thank you. I’m not tired.
ACHILLE
Leave him to me. I’ll soon dispose of him. (_Approaching the SAINT, in a
friendly tone._) Come, my friend, tell us who you are.
SAINT ANTHONY
I am Saint Anthony.
ACHILLE
Yes, yes, you’re right. (_To the others._) He sticks to it, but he’s
quite harmless. (_Noticing the RECTOR among the GUESTS who have crowded
around SAINT ANTHONY and giving him an artful and chaffing look._) And
here’s the Rector; he knows you, and wants to pay you his respects.
Saints are your business, Father: I know more about ploughs and
traction-engines. Here’s an emissary from heaven, Father, great Saint
Anthony in person, who would like a word with you. (_Under his breath to
the RECTOR._) We want to get him quietly to the door, without letting him
know. Once he is outside, good-bye.
THE RECTOR
(_In an unctuously paternal tone._) Great Saint Anthony, your humble
servant bids you welcome to this world, which you have deigned to honour
with your celestial presence. What does your Holiness wish?
SAINT ANTHONY
To raise Mademoiselle Hortense from the dead.
THE RECTOR
It’s true that she’s dead, poor lady! Well, the miracle should present
no difficulty to the greatest of our saints. The dear departed had a
particular devotion to you. I will take you to her, if your Holiness will
be good enough to come with me. (_He goes to the street-door and beckons
to SAINT ANTHONY._) This way, please.
SAINT ANTHONY
(_Pointing to the folding-doors._) No, that way, in there....
THE RECTOR
(_Still more unctuously._) Your Holiness will pardon me if I venture to
contradict you, but the corpse, because of the influx of visitors, has
been removed to the house opposite, which, I may mention, also belonged
to the dear departed.
SAINT ANTHONY
(_Pointing to the folding-doors._) She is in there.
THE RECTOR
(_More and more unctuously._) Let me beg your Holiness, in order to
convince yourself to the contrary, to accompany me for a moment into the
street, where you will see the candles and the black hangings....
SAINT ANTHONY
(_Imperturbably, still pointing to the folding-doors._) That is where I
shall go.
A GUEST
Did you ever hear any one like him?
GUSTAVE
He’s going a trifle too far.
A GUEST
Let us open the door and all of us push him out together.
GUSTAVE
No, no; no scene! He might lose his temper. He’s very dangerous; he’s
enormously strong. Keep your hands off him. Joseph and I, who are no
weaklings, either of us, couldn’t make him move an inch. It’s funny, but
he seems rooted to the soil.
ACHILLE
But who told him that the corpse was in there?
GUSTAVE
Virginie, of course; she’s been babbling for all she’s worth.
VIRGINIE
Me, sir? Excuse me, sir, not me; I was attending to my work. I answered
yes and no, nothing else.... Didn’t I, Saint Anthony? (_The SAINT makes
no reply._) Well, can’t you answer when you’re asked a civil question?
SAINT ANTHONY
She did not tell me.
VIRGINIE
There, you see! He’s a saint; he knew it all beforehand. I tell you,
there’s nothing he doesn’t know.
ACHILLE
(_Going to the SAINT and tapping him amicably on the shoulder._) Now
then, my fine fellow, come on; put your best foot forward, what!
THE GUESTS
Will he go, or won’t he?
ACHILLE
I have an idea.
GUSTAVE
What’s that?
ACHILLE
Where’s the doctor?
A GUEST
He’s still at table; he’s finishing up the trout....
GUSTAVE
(_To JOSEPH._) Go and fetch him. (_Exit JOSEPH._) You’re right, he’s a
madman; it’s the doctor’s business. (_Enter JOSEPH and the DOCTOR._)
THE DOCTOR
(_Appears with his mouth full and his napkin tucked under his chin._)
What’s up? Is he mad? Is he ill? Is he drunk? (_Looking the SAINT
over._) Why, it’s a beggar! I’m of no use in his case. Well, my friend,
are things going badly? Is there something we want?
SAINT ANTHONY
I want to raise Mademoiselle Hortense from the dead.
THE DOCTOR
Ah, I see you’re not a medical man! May I have your hand? (_Feels the
SAINT’S pulse._) Any pain?
SAINT ANTHONY
No.
THE DOCTOR
(_Feeling his head and forehead._) And here? Does it hurt when I press my
finger?
SAINT ANTHONY
No.
THE DOCTOR
Excellent, excellent! Do you ever feel giddy?
SAINT ANTHONY
Never.
THE DOCTOR
And in the past ... no accident, at any time? Let’s have a look at your
chest. Say “Ah!” That’s right. Once more; deep breath. Deeper, deeper.
That’s right.... And what is it you want, my man?
SAINT ANTHONY
To go into that room.
THE DOCTOR
What for?
SAINT ANTHONY
To raise Mademoiselle Hortense from the dead.
THE DOCTOR
She’s not there.
SAINT ANTHONY
She is there. I see her.
GUSTAVE
He sticks to it.
ACHILLE
Couldn’t you give him a hypodermic injection?
THE DOCTOR
What for?
ACHILLE
To send him to sleep. Then we would put him in the street.
THE DOCTOR
No, no; no nonsense. Besides, it’s dangerous.
ACHILLE
That’s his look out, not ours. We’re not paid to take care of madmen,
tramps or drunkards.
THE DOCTOR
Shall I give you my opinion?
GUSTAVE
I wish you would.
THE DOCTOR
We have to do with a madman, a rather feeble-minded and quite harmless
monomaniac, who may become dangerous, however, if we thwart him. I
know the type.... We are among ourselves; moreover, strange though the
experiment which he proposes may seem, it involves no lack of respect
for the dear departed.... That being so, I don’t see why, in order to
avoid any scandal and since he’s asking such a simple thing, we shouldn’t
allow him to go into the room for a moment.
GUSTAVE
Never! What’s the world coming to, if the first person that comes along
can force his way like this into a respectable household, under the
ridiculous pretext of bringing back to life a dead woman who has never
done him any harm?
THE DOCTOR
As you please; it’s for you to decide. On the one hand, you have an
inevitable scandal, for nothing will make him give up his idea; on the
other, a small concession which costs you nothing.
ACHILLE
The doctor’s right....
THE DOCTOR
There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’ll take the whole responsibility.
Besides, we shall all be there and we shall go in with him.
GUSTAVE
Very well, then, let’s have done with it.... But, whatever happens, don’t
let this ludicrous incident get about, will you?
ACHILLE
Aunt Hortense’s jewels are put out on the mantelpiece....
GUSTAVE
I know. I’ll keep an eye on them, for I confess that I don’t trust him.
(_To SAINT ANTHONY._) It’s this way, come in. But be quick about it; we
haven’t lunched yet.
(_GUSTAVE opens the folding-doors, revealing the drawing-room,
in which is a large four-poster, with MADEMOISELLE HORTENSE’S
body laid out upon it. Two lighted candles, a crucifix, a
branch of palm, wreaths. At the back, a glass door leading to
the garden. ALL go in, SAINT ANTHONY and GUSTAVE last._)
GUSTAVE
Here is the body of the dear departed. As you see, she’s quite dead. Are
you satisfied?... And now leave us. Let us cut short the experiment. (_To
JOSEPH._) Show the gentleman out by the garden-door.
SAINT ANTHONY
Allow me. (_He walks into the middle of the room and stands at the foot
of the bed. Turning to the corpse and speaking in a loud, grave voice._)
Arise!
GUSTAVE
There, that’ll do! We can’t stand by and allow a stranger to outrage our
most sacred feelings; and I ask you once more, for the last time....
SAINT ANTHONY
Allow me, please! (_He goes nearer the bed and raises his voice more
authoritatively._) Arise!
GUSTAVE
(_Losing his patience._) That’s enough! We’ll end by quarrelling....
Come, this way: the door’s over here.
SAINT ANTHONY
Allow me!... She is very far away. (_In a deeper and more commanding
tone._) Mademoiselle Hortense, return and arise from the dead.
(_To the general amazement, the dead woman first makes
a slight movement and then opens her eyes, unfolds her
hands, raises herself slowly to a sitting posture, puts her
night-cap straight and looks round the room with a crabbed
and discontented air. Next she begins quietly to scratch at a
bit of candle-grease which she has discovered on the sleeve
of her night-gown. There is a moment of overpowering silence;
then VIRGINIE starts from the bewildered group, runs up to the
bed and flings herself into the arms of the woman restored to
life._)
VIRGINIE
Mademoiselle Hortense! She’s alive! Look, she’s scratching at a bit of
candle-grease; she’s feeling for her glasses.... Here they are! Here
they are!... Saint Anthony! Saint Anthony!... A miracle! A miracle!... On
your knees! On your knees!
GUSTAVE
Come, come, be still!... Don’t talk nonsense!... This is no time for....
ACHILLE
There’s no denying it, she’s alive.
A GUEST
But it’s not possible! What has he done to her?
GUSTAVE
You can’t take it seriously. She’ll have a relapse.
ACHILLE
No, no, I assure you. Just see how she’s staring at us.
GUSTAVE
I don’t believe it yet. What are we coming to? Where are the laws of
nature? Doctor, what do you say?
THE DOCTOR
(_Embarrassed._) What do I say? What would you have me say? It doesn’t
concern me, it’s not my business. It’s absurd and, at the same time,
quite simple. If she’s alive, then she was never dead. There’s no reason
to be amazed and proclaim a miracle.
GUSTAVE
But you yourself said....
THE DOCTOR
I said, I said.... To begin with, I said nothing positive; and I would
have you observe that I have not signed the death-certificate. I even had
very serious doubts, but I would not tell you of them, lest I should
raise false hopes.... In any case, all this proves nothing; and it is
very unlikely that she will live long.
ACHILLE
Meanwhile we must accept the evidence, the happy evidence, of our senses.
VIRGINIE
Yes, yes, we must believe it! There’s not a doubt left! I told you he was
a saint, a great saint! Just look at her! She’s alive and as fresh as a
rose in June!
GUSTAVE
(_Going to the bed and kissing MADEMOISELLE HORTENSE._) Aunt, my dear
aunt, is it really you?
ACHILLE
(_Going to the bed._) Do you know me, aunt? I am Achille, your nephew,
Achille.
LÉONTINE
And me, auntie? I am your old niece Léontine.
VALENTINE
And me, my dear godmother, do you know me? I am little Valentine, to whom
you left all your silver.
GUSTAVE
She’s smiling.
ACHILLE
Not at all, she looks displeased.
GUSTAVE
But she recognizes us all.
ACHILLE
(_Seeing MADEMOISELLE HORTENSE open her mouth and move her lips._)
Listen! She’s going to speak.
VIRGINIE
Heavenly Father!... And she has seen God!... She’ll tell us about the
delights of Paradise!... On your knees! On your knees!
ACHILLE
Listen! Listen!
MADEMOISELLE HORTENSE
(_Eyeing SAINT ANTHONY with scorn and disgust. In a shrill and angry
voice._) Who is this person? Who has dared to let a bare-footed tramp
into my drawing-room? He’s dirtied all the carpets as it is!... Put him
out at once!... Virginie, how often have I told you not to let beggars....
SAINT ANTHONY
(_Raising his hand imperiously._) Silence!
(_The AUNT stops suddenly in the middle of her sentence, and
sits up open-mouthed, unable to utter a sound._)
GUSTAVE
You must forgive her, she does not yet know how much she owes you. But
we, we know. There’s no question but that what you have done was more
than most people could have done. It may have been an accident or ...
something else; upon my word, I don’t know. But what I do know is that I
am proud and happy to shake you by the hand.
SAINT ANTHONY
I should like to go, please. I have work to do.
GUSTAVE
Oh, don’t be in such a hurry! We can’t let you go like this. You shall
not leave empty-handed. I don’t know what my aunt will give you: that’s
her affair: I cannot promise anything in her name. But, for my part, I
will consult my brother-in-law; and, whether it be a coincidence or ...
something else, we will pay for the coincidence without quibbling about
the amount; and you shall have no reason to regret what you have done.
That’s so, Achille, isn’t it?
ACHILLE
Certainly, you will not regret it, on the contrary.
GUSTAVE
We are not tremendously well off; we have wives and children and we
have had our disappointments; but, after all, we know how to recognize
a kindness; and, if it were only for the honour of the family, it would
never do to have it said that a stranger, however poor, came and did us
a service without receiving a reward, a decent reward, the best reward
that in us lies, a reward in proportion to our means, which, I repeat,
are limited.... Oh, I know, there are services which nothing can repay
and which are not paid for: you need not tell me that! I know it, I
know it: don’t interrupt me. But that’s no reason why we should not do
something.... Come, what do you think we owe you? Name your own figure.
Of course, you must not ask for anything excessive; we couldn’t give it
you; but whatever seems reasonable you shall have.
ACHILLE
My brother-in-law is right: but, while the matter is arranging, I propose
to make a little collection among ourselves. That won’t prejudice you in
any way and will keep you going for a time.
SAINT ANTHONY
I want to go away, please. I have other work to do.
GUSTAVE
Other work to do! Other work to do! What work can you have to do?... No,
I can’t have that; and it’s not nice of you to suggest it. What would
people say if they heard that we let you go like this after restoring
the dear departed to us? If you won’t take money—and I understand your
delicacy of feeling and approve of it—at least you will do us the
pleasure of accepting a little keepsake? Oh, don’t be afraid: just a
trifle, a cigar-holder, or a tie-pin, or a meerschaum pipe. I could have
your name and address and the date engraved on it.
SAINT ANTHONY
No, thank you. I can accept nothing.
GUSTAVE
Do you mean that?
SAINT ANTHONY
I do.
ACHILLE
(_Taking out his cigar-case._) At any rate, you will do us the pleasure
of smoking a cigar with us. You can’t refuse that.
SAINT ANTHONY
Thank you, I do not smoke.
GUSTAVE
You’re most discouraging. Still, what would you like? You must have a
wish of some sort. You have only to speak, for everything is yours in
this house, which you have filled with gladness. It’s all yours. I can’t
say more than that. At least, all that one can honestly part with....
Why, it’s an insult to leave us like this!
ACHILLE
Look here, I have an idea that’s not half bad. As our friend won’t accept
anything—and, like my brother-in-law, I understand his delicacy, of
which, I am sure, we all approve; for life can’t be paid for and has no
price—well, since he has shown a disinterested nature which at once makes
him our equal, what I want to know is this: why should he not do us the
honour of sitting down with us and helping us finish a luncheon which
he has so happily interrupted!... What do you all say?... (_Murmurs of
restrained approval._)
GUSTAVE
That’s it! The very thing! That settles everything! How clever of you
to think of it!... (_To SAINT ANTHONY._) Well, what do you say?... By
squeezing a bit, we can easily make room for you. You shall have the seat
of honour. The partridges will be cold, but no matter: you have a good
appetite, I feel sure!... Well, that’s arranged, eh? There will be no
ceremony: we’re decent people and easy-going, as you see....
SAINT ANTHONY
No, really. You must excuse me. I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m expected
elsewhere.
GUSTAVE
Oh, come, you can’t refuse us this! Besides, who’s expecting you?
SAINT ANTHONY
Another corpse.
GUSTAVE
A corpse! Another corpse! It won’t run away! Surely you’re not going to
put a corpse before us! To throw us over for a corpse!
ACHILLE
No, I see what it is. You would rather go down to the kitchen, wouldn’t
you? You’d feel more comfortable there.
GUSTAVE
Then he can come up afterwards for coffee.
ACHILLE
Ah, he’s not refusing! He prefers that! I understand. Virginie, leave
your mistress—she doesn’t need you now—and take the gentleman down to
your kitchen. Give him some of everything. (_He taps the SAINT familiarly
on the stomach._) Ha, ha! You and Virginie are going to have a jolly
good time together! I guessed right, didn’t I, you old rogue you! You old
sly-boots!
VIRGINIE
(_In a voice of alarm._) Sir!
GUSTAVE
What is it?
VIRGINIE
I don’t know, but Mademoiselle Hortense has lost her speech again.
GUSTAVE
What? She’s lost her speech?
VIRGINIE
Yes, sir, look.... She’s opening her mouth and moving her lips and
working her hands but her voice has gone.
GUSTAVE
What is it, aunt? Is there something you want to tell us? (_She nods
assent._) And you can’t? There, there, make an effort; it’s a temporary
paralysis, that’s all. It will soon pass. (_She makes a sign that she can
no longer speak._) What’s the matter with you? What do want? (_To SAINT
ANTHONY._) What’s the meaning of this?
SAINT ANTHONY
She will never speak again.
GUSTAVE
She will never speak again? But she has been speaking. You heard her. She
even gave you a piece of her mind.
SAINT ANTHONY
It was an oversight on my part. She won’t have her voice again.
GUSTAVE
Can’t you restore it to her?
SAINT ANTHONY
No.
GUSTAVE
And when will it come back?
SAINT ANTHONY
Never.
GUSTAVE
What! Will she remain dumb to the end of her days?
SAINT ANTHONY
Yes.
GUSTAVE
Why?
SAINT ANTHONY
She has beheld mysteries which she may not reveal.
GUSTAVE
Mysteries? What mysteries?
SAINT ANTHONY
The mysteries of the dead.
GUSTAVE
The mysteries of the dead? This is a fresh joke. What do you take us
for? No, no, my lad, this won’t do! She spoke; we all heard her; we have
witnesses. You have, of malice prepense, deprived her of her power of
speech, with an object which I am beginning to see through. You’ll just
restore it at once, or....
ACHILLE
It was really not worth while bringing her back to life, to give her to
us in this condition.
GUSTAVE
If you could not give her back to us as she was before your stupid and
clumsy interference, you would have done better not to have meddled.
ACHILLE
It was a bad action.
GUSTAVE
An abuse of confidence.
ACHILLE
An abuse of confidence: that’s what it was. There is no excuse for it.
GUSTAVE
You’re expecting to blackmail us, perhaps?
ACHILLE
I suppose you think you’re dealing with a pack of fools?
GUSTAVE
Who asked you to come? I hate saying it, but I would rather see her dead
than have her back in this state. It’s too cruel, too painful for those
who love her. You can’t come like this, under the pretence of working a
miracle, and disturb the peace of the people who have done you no harm,
bringing unhappiness upon them! A nice thing. But he laughs best who
laughs last!
THE DOCTOR
Allow me. Calm yourselves. The man has done wrong, there’s no doubt of
that; but we must not blame him: he is probably unaccountable for his
actions. (_Going up to SAINT ANTHONY._) Just let me examine your eyes,
my friend. That’s it: I knew it! I would not interfere while everybody
was thanking him, much too cordially, for the miraculous resurrection
which he had wrought. I did not wish to appear to meddle with what does
not concern me. I knew what was what; and you see, as I do, that she was
not dead at all. There is nothing supernatural or mysterious about all
this. It simply means that the fellow possesses rather unusual hypnotic
powers; and he has abused them, in order to indulge in a hoax which may
be self-interested and which, in any case, is out of place. He came at
the right moment, that is all; and it is highly probable that, had he not
been here, you and I would have worked the miracle, if miracle there be.
GUSTAVE
Well, what are we to do?
THE DOCTOR
Why, prevent him from doing further mischief by having him locked up! The
man’s dangerous!
GUSTAVE
You’re right; we must put a stop to this; besides, I’ve had enough of
it.... Joseph!
JOSEPH
Sir?
GUSTAVE
Run to the police-station at the corner; fetch two policemen; tell them
to bring a pair of handcuffs with them. He’s a dangerous fellow and
capable of everything, as he has shown us only too plainly.
JOSEPH
Very well, sir. (_He runs out._)
SAINT ANTHONY
I beg leave to withdraw.
GUSTAVE
That’s right, old chap, play the innocent. It’s time you did. Yes, you
can withdraw; and with a first-class escort. You just wait and see.
(_Enter JOSEPH, followed by a SERGEANT OF POLICE and a
POLICEMAN._)
THE SERGEANT
(_Pointing to SAINT ANTHONY._) Is this the criminal?
GUSTAVE
That’s the man.
THE SERGEANT
(_Touching SAINT ANTHONY on the shoulder._) Where are your papers?
SAINT ANTHONY
What papers?
POLICEMAN
You haven’t any? I knew it. What’s your name?
SAINT ANTHONY
Saint Anthony.
THE SERGEANT
Saint what? Saint Anthony? That’s no name for a Christian. I want the
other, your real name.
SAINT ANTHONY
(_Very gently._) I have no other.
THE SERGEANT
Keep a civil tongue in your head, will you? Where did you steal that
dressing-gown?
SAINT ANTHONY
I didn’t steal it. It’s mine.
THE SERGEANT
Then it’s I who am lying? Is that what you mean? Say it; don’t mind me!
SAINT ANTHONY
I don’t know. I think.... Perhaps you are mistaken.
THE SERGEANT
I’m making a note of your impertinent observations.... Where do you hail
from?
SAINT ANTHONY
From Padua.
THE SERGEANT
Padua? Where’s that? What department?
GUSTAVE
It’s in Italy.
THE SERGEANT