_A SONG WHEREIN IS SUGGESTED A SUITABLE SUBJECT FOR AN IBSENITE
TRAGEDY._
[Sir JAMES CRICHTON-BROWNE thinks that "the reserve and
suppression of emotional movement which is observed in
English people" will probably result in all the women becoming
sphinxes, and all the men sticks.]
"Oh! do wag your head!" said the Sphinx to the Stick.
"I _can't_," he replied, "or I would, darling, quick!
If you'll only indulge in a shrug and some winks,
You'll perhaps set _me_ off," said the Stick to the Sphinx.
"Nay, long 'inhibition,'" the Sphinx made reply,
"Has imparted rigidity, love, to my eye."
"'Emotional movement' no longer is mine,"
Sighed the Stick to the Sphinx; "though I greatly incline
To a dig in your ribs, or a slap on your back
(As a sign of my love), all my muscles are slack.
My poor 'motor-centres' are all out of gear,
And I can't even 'chuck' your soft chin, sweet, I fear.
I'm sure such a stolid inflexible 'stick' you'll hate,
But, though I adore you, I _cannot_ gesticulate--"
"My case is as bad," sighed the Sphinx to the Stick,
"For I cannot 'bridle'--no more than a brick."
Said the Stick to the Sphinx, "Ah, we once knew what love meant!
But, thanks to the loss of 'emotional movement,'
We can't give it 'graceful and chastened expression,'
And so it seems slipping fast out of possession.
Heigho! we had far better die, darling, quick!
Since you are a Sphinx, love, and I'm but a Stick!"
* * * * *
VERY LIKELY--JUST NOW.--A place to spend a Quiet Sunday--Eastbourne.
* * * * *
[Illustration: MR. PUNCH ON TOUR IN YORKSHIRE.]
* * * * *
"ON THE HYP"-NOTIST.
(_FRAGMENT FROM A ROMANCE PURELY IMAGINARY AND YET TO BE WRITTEN._)
The _Savants_ were gathered together to consider the question of
Hypnotism. They had been appointed by a learned Association, and their
Hon. Secretary had distinguished himself by writing a letter, which if
eccentric in punctuation, was yet to the point.
"We must not forget, Gentlemen," said one of the learned persons,
"that we have been appointed to investigate the use of Hypnotism as
a therapeutic agent. It will be our duty to ascertain, if it is
possible, that operations can be performed under the shield of its
anæsthesia."
"You are indeed right," replied another, "and it is fortunate in one
sense that we have not had the advantage of greeting at our board,
Doctor OWEN COLEMAN of Dunedin, Surbiton."
"Why so?" asked a third.
"Because," returned _Savant_ No. 2, "that distinguished Member of the
Medical Profession can give instances of successful treatment under
the prescribed circumstances. For instance, JULES CLOQUET, as early
as 1845 was using Hypnotism in the cause of painless surgery. However,
our pleasant little gathering can do no harm."
"Perhaps not," acquiesced _Savant_ No. 3. "Although it is only right
to remark that had we had Dr. COLEMAN's knowledge, we should have
possibly considered it _qua_ Committee a trifle superfluous."
"Do you not think we ought to visit the Aquarium?" asked the first
speaker. "I am told that there is a Hypnotist who appears there twice
a-day, and whose exhibition, from a scientific point of view, should
be decidedly interesting."
After this there was a speedy departure, and for some hours the
Committee lounged about the Aquarium, They there saw a female acrobat
of great strength. Then they paid a visit to the Alhambra, where they
met a pleasant young lady, who, seemingly without any assistance,
lifted four or five bulky gentlemen seated on a chair. This she did
without any exertion and with a smiling countenance. On their return
to their private room, they seemed somewhat hostile to the pretensions
of the Hypnotist, whose feats they had just witnessed--they preferred
to his performances the feats of the Magnetic Lady.
[Illustration]
"Quite a mistake," said one; "instead of taking off a leg, or showing
the strength of a billiard cue, he makes men believe that they are
swimming in a tank!"
"Very undignified," remarked another; "it would have been so much
better had he performed a surgical operation--say, setting a compound
fracture of the leg, like that performed by two medical men in 1845;
and more interesting to the vast majority of the audience."
"But the Alhambra was excellent," was the reply. "Suppose we send
to our Committee a Report of the 'Magnetic Lady' and ignore the
Hypnotist?"
And so it was decided, and it was time to write their Report. Then
pens, ink, and paper were produced, and the _Savants_ prepared for
work. They had scarcely commenced, when a gentleman stood in their
midst, and glared at them. He gave them each a disc, and commanded
them to gaze upon its surface. Then, one by one, they fell over fast
asleep. He placed them back in their chairs.
"Now for your Report," he murmured. "And so you would ignore _my_
show and praise another! But you are in my power, and _shall_ obey
me! Write what I dictate!" And so they wrote. And, strange as it may
appear to non-believers in Hypnotism, the Report, when published,
was found to be an excellent advertisement for the Royal Westminster
Aquarium!
* * * * *
[Illustration: SENILE FELINE AMENITIES.
"WELL, GOOD AFTERNOON--I'M GOING TO CALL ON MY MOTHER!"
"WHAT! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A MOTHER _LIVING_?"
"OH YES--AND SHE DON'T LOOK A BIT OLDER THAN _YOU_ DO--I ASSURE YOU!"]
* * * * *