SCENE--_Interior of a First-class Railway Carriage.
Theoretical Passenger and Practical Passenger discussing the
"Unreadiness of England."_
_Theoretical Passenger_ (_at the conclusion of a long account of the
national shortcomings_). Yes, my dear Sir, France has only to declare
war to-morrow, and we are completely ruined! We cease to exist as a
nation!
_Practical Passenger_ (_with a smile_). But hasn't this been said
about us--by ourselves--for any number of years?
_Theo. Pas._ Doubtless, but that does not make it the less true.
_Prac. Pas._ Possibly; still, it is encouraging to find that we _do_
exist in spite of the "temptation to belong to other nations."
_Theo. Pas._ (_annoyed_). Ah! you treat the matter with levity; but
I assure you it is a most serious thing! How would you like to be
bombarded?
_Prac. Pas._ Not at all. The more especially as it would be a great
expense to the enemy.
_Theo. Pas._ (_with dignified resentment_). I see you consider the
subject a proper topic for raillery! It is a very fine day!
_Prac. Pas._ (_in a conciliatory tone_). No, no, I can assure you I am
deeply interested. But how about our Fleet--surely that should protect
us?
_Theo. Pas._ You must be very much behind the age to say so. Our Fleet
is practically valueless. It is perfectly easy to invade us at a
dozen places. If the French went to Ireland (as they did in the last
century), the conquest of England would be assured. They would (with
the assistance of a friendly peasantry), get their supplies and make
good their footing.
_Prac. Pas._ But how about our Army?
_Theo. Pas._ A farce! An expensive farce. We have no Regulars, the
Militia exists only on paper, and the Volunteers are valueless.
_Prac. Pas._ Then why not have a Conscription--that would bring up our
Army with a run?
_Theo. Pas._ A Conscription! My dear Sir, the nation wouldn't think of
such a thing! No, not for a single moment!
_Prac. Pas._ (_after a pause_). Well, what is to be done?
_Theo. Pas._ (_promptly_). Nothing, except to write to the papers and
submit to our fate.
_Prac. Pas._ Is there any objection to the construction of the Channel
Tunnel?
_Theo. Pas._ (_carelessly_). None in the least--but why do you ask?
_Prac. Pas._ Because, if in the case of war, the entire French nation
pours into England;--as you say it will?
_Theo. Pas._ Certainly.
_Prac. Pas._ The best thing we can do is to utilise the Tunnel, pour
into France, and stay there! It will be only changing sides!
[_Conversation interrupted by whistle, and consequent rattle
and darkness._
* * * * *