HARROWFORK POST-OFFICE.
A gloomy Picture--Beautiful Village--Litigation in Harrowfork--A
model Post Master--The Excitement--Petitioning the
Department--Conflicting Statements--The decisive Blow--The new
Post Master--The "Reliable Man"--Indignant Community--Refusal to
serve--An Editor's Candidate--The Temperance Question--Newspaper
Extracts--A Mongrel Quotation--A Lull--A "Spy in Washington"--Bad
Water--New Congressmen--The Question revived--Delegate to
Washington--Obliging Down Easter--The lost Letters--Visit to the
Department--Astounding Discovery--Amusing Scene--A Congressmen in
a "Fix"--The Difficulty "arranged."
There is no blessing bestowed upon us by a kind Providence, which
man's selfishness may not pervert into a grievance. We have seen this
principle illustrated in the use and abuse of post-offices, as often
as in any other civil institution.
How society in the nineteenth century could exist without mail routes
and the regular delivery of letters, it is impossible to conceive.
Imagine a town without a post office! a community without letters!
"friends, Romans, countrymen, and lovers," particularly the lovers,
cut off from correspondence, bereft of newspapers, buried alive from
the light of intelligence, and the busy stir of the great world! What
an appalling picture!
We have always thought that Robinson Crusoe and his man Friday might
have enjoyed a very comfortable existence, had Juan Fernandez been
blessed with a post-office. But think of a society of Crusoes and
Fridays! nobody receiving letters, nobody writing letters--no watching
the mails, no epistolary surprises and enjoyments, which form so large
an element in our social life to-day!
But gloomy as the picture appears, we have many times thought that
some very respectable and enlightened villages would be decidedly
benefited, were the post office stricken from the catalogue of their
institutions. This is a bone of contention, which often sets the whole
neighborhood by the ears and communities, which might otherwise enjoy
the reputation of being regular circles of "brotherly love," break out
into quarrels, contentions, slanders, litigations, and all sorts of
unchristian disturbances.
The case of the town of Harrowfork, which I find recorded in my
note-book, will most capitally illustrate the point under
consideration. Harrowfork, by the way, is not the real name of the
town, but a fictitious one, which we use for our convenience, to avoid
personalities. It is located on the Eastern slope of an eminence,
which overlooks one of the fairest of valleys on one of the most
beautiful New England streams. The town was once a favorite place of
resort with the writer, during the Summer season; and, although this
was years ago, the pretty village is still fresh in his memory, with
its green hills, its handsome residences embowered in the foliage of
trees and vines--its rival churches, with their emulous spires
pointing toward heaven; its shady roads, and magnificent prospects,
looking far off upon the wide-spread valley, dotted with farmhouses,
and beautified by the sinuous, glittering waters of the stream.
Its sunrises were particularly fine, and it has always seemed to me
that the poet must have had them in his mind, when he penned the
sonnet commencing
"Full many a glorious morning I have seen
Flatter the mountain tops with sovereign eye,
Kissing with golden face the meadows green,
Gilding pale streams with Heavenly alchemy!"
It appears to us a strange dispensation of Providence, that such a
perfect nest of loveliness should be invaded by inharmonious cat
birds, and mischief-making wrens. But dissensions did creep in through
the post-office. Up to a certain time, such universal peace prevailed
among the inhabitants, that its two lawyers would have been beggared,
had they not wisely resorted to farming, as a more reliable occupation
than the occasional and precarious one of conducting some tame and
straight-forward case, for a petty fee. But now the lawyers have
enough to do, without turning aside from their regular profession;
litigation is brisk and spirited in Harrowfork, and intricate and
aggravated cases are numerous. Neighbors quarrel, church members sue
each other, deacons go to law, the lawyers build fine houses, their
families grow extravagant in dress--all owing to the post-office.
As long as old Uncle Crocker was post master, there was no difficulty.
He seemed just the man for the business. He was looked upon as a part
of the institution. Nobody thought of turning him out, more than they
would have thought of petitioning for the removal of Harrowfork Hill.
But Uncle Crocker was not a permanent institution, notwithstanding the
people's faith. One of his daughters married, and settled in the West.
Excited by the report she made of the country, two of his sons
followed her, and in the course of time, Uncle Crocker himself "pulled
up stakes," retired from the post-office with honors, and migrated to
the new territory.
As soon as the old gentleman's intention was made public, there was a
slight flutter of interest in the community, in relation to the
subject of a successor in his office. At first, if the name of a new
candidate was hinted at, it was offered like Snagsby's expression of
opinion in the presence of his wife--only as a "mild suggestion." But
there was a good deal of partisan feeling latent in Harrowfork, and
this was just the thing to develope it; and gently as the breeze had
arisen, it freshened and increased, until it blew a perfect
hurricane, that not only disturbed the whole county, but became
troublesome even as far off as Washington.
At an early period of the excitement, the friends of an enterprising
tradesman in the place had gone quietly to work, and procured his
appointment to the office. It was quite a surprise to many of his
fellow-townsmen, and no small sensation was produced when DEACON UPTON
was announced as the new post master. Many were dissatisfied, of
course, and although the deacon had always been known as a quiet,
inoffensive man, he suddenly became the subject of derogatory remarks.
The personal friends who had been instrumental in securing the
appointment, formed a spirited minority in his favor, while all who
had not been consulted in the premises, naturally felt bound to range
themselves on the side of his critics and opponents.
To make matters worse, a Presidential campaign followed Mr. Upton's
inauguration, and politics "ran high." The post-office became the
great centre and source of excitement. People met, on the arrival of
the mails, and glanced over the editorial columns of their newspapers,
and talked over their grievances. At length the great crisis came. A
change of Administration was effected. And as the health or sickness
of the nation appeared now to depend entirely upon the post-office
incumbent at Harrowfork, this subject received prompt attention from
all parties.
All sorts of communications, full of absurd complaints, contradictory
statements, imperative commands, and angry denunciations, were now
poured in upon the Post-Office Department at Washington. To show what
human nature is at such times, and also to designate how perfectly
clear and beautifully pleasant the duty of the appointing power
becomes, in the progress of the snarl, we will give a few specimens of
these conflicting missives.
Here is one version of the story:--
To His Honor, the Post Master General, at Washington,
Sir:
Your Honor's humble petitioners, legal voters in the town of
Harrowfork, respectfully submit the following _undeniable facts_
for your consideration.
First, the person who now holds the office of post master in our
place, is _totally unfit_ for the business. He was got in by a
clique of interested individuals, who used underhanded measures
for the purpose, and succeeded in their object only by blinding
the eyes of the Department to the real character of the man, and
the wishes of the people. Not one man in fifty is in favor of the
present incumbent; and those who are, turn out generally to be
persons who seldom write or receive letters, and have little or no
business in connexion with the post-office.
Second, the office is left during a great portion of the time in
the charge of the post master's father-in-law, a worthy old
gentleman, but whose sight has somewhat failed him; so that when
persons call for letters or papers, he has first to hunt up his
spectacles, which he has been known to be near five minutes in
finding; then he has to go over with the letters, &c., very
slowly, to avoid making mistakes, very often taking them out of
the wrong box at that, and after all, giving the wrong letters to
people, or giving them none at all, when the fact is, letters for
them have perhaps been lying untouched in the office for weeks.
Such cases are nothing uncommon.
Third, valuable letters have been lost through carelessness on the
part of persons in the office, or from _less excusable_ causes, of
which we leave your Honor to judge. Letters containing money are
particularly liable to miscarry.
Fourth, it is a fact which merits your Honor's special
consideration, that, in consequence of the dissolute habits of the
post master's nephew, who attends in the office evenings, a not
very respectable gang of young men are encouraged to hang about
the doors till late at night, making it very unpleasant for the
more sober citizens to go there for their mails.
Fifth, the present post master is a deacon of the church, and very
sectarian in his views. There may be no direct connection between
this circumstance, and the fact that the religious newspapers of
different sects from his own, are apt to be lost or destroyed in
the mails, while the "Helmet of Truth," a paper to which he is
commissioned to obtain subscribers, is always punctually
delivered! Your Honor's petitioners state this only as a
remarkable coincidence, which may however have some bearing upon
the case.
In view of these stubborn and undeniable facts, we the
undersigned, legal voters in the town of Harrowfork, humbly
petition your Honor, that the present post master be removed, and
a more suitable person appointed in his place.
We also beg leave to suggest to your Honor's consideration, the
name of Josiah Barnaby, as a fit and reliable candidate for the
office, and a person who would be sure to give more general
satisfaction to the community than any other available man.
Trusting that the foregoing statements will receive your Honor's
early attention, and such official action as the merits of the
case demand, we remain
Your Honor's respectful petitioners.
Signed by { Aminadab Fogle
{ and thirteen others.
This was certainly a strong case, and it would seem perfectly clear
that "his Honor" should straightway remove Upton and appoint Barnaby
to fill his place.
But close upon the heels of the above petition, followed another of a
very different character. The framers of the last also maintained that
a change should be made, and adduced strong charges against Upton; but
it appeared after all, that Barnaby was not the most reliable man.
"Such an appointment," said the new document, "would give greater
dissatisfaction, if possible, than the old one has done. The said
Barnaby is an infidel, who made himself very obnoxious to all
right-minded citizens by his avowed disbelief in the Scriptures,
and his contempt of the Sabbath, and the ordinances of religion.
Your Honor's humble petitioners, therefore, submit that it would
be an outrage upon the feelings of a Christian community to have
such a person appointed to so important and responsible an office.
Furthermore, the undersigned take it upon themselves to affirm
that it is not the wish of over four persons in our district that
the said Barnaby should receive the commission. We understand the
petition in his favor was drawn up by one Aminadab Fogle, whose
name heads the list. Now it happens that the said Fogle is a
brother-in-law of the said Barnaby, while at least three others in
his (Barnaby's) favor are likewise connections of the family, and
persons, like him, entirely destitute of religious principles.
With regard to other persons who signed the petition, the most of
them privately acknowledge that they did so, because they were
urged, and could not refuse, without offending their neighbors.
Under these circumstances, the undersigned respectfully represent
that they express the general feeling of the community, when they
nominate Mr. Homer S. Clark as an eligible candidate for the
office in question."
Then follows an eulogy on Mr. Homer S. Clark; the whole winding up
with a grand rhetorical flourish, to the tail of which are attached
some twenty-three names, representing the active "better class" of
society in Harrowfork.
So it appeared that Clark was the right man; and undoubtedly the
Department would have proceeded at once to invest him with the
disputed honors; but before any action could be had in the matter, a
candid representation from another party, strengthened by affidavits,
served to cast "ominous conjecture" on the whole affair. This was a
petition from the Upton party, wherein it was maintained, that of the
two aspirants for office, Barnaby was the better man of the two, Clark
having made himself very unpopular, by failing for a large amount some
years before, going through chancery, and afterwards living in a style
of elegance unbecoming a man who had dismissed his creditors with ten
cents on a dollar.
It was also shown that the prime mover in favor of Clark was a cousin
of his, and the same person who was supposed to have held a large
portion of bankrupt property in trust for the said Clark at the time
of his failure! Still Barnaby was no more fit for the office, than the
petitioners in favor of Clark had represented. There were fifty in
Harrowfork eminently qualified to fulfil the duties of post master,
and who would give infinitely better satisfaction than either of the
new candidates; but of them all, there was no one, who, in the opinion
of the petitioners, was better calculated for the office than the
present incumbent. It was only a few dissatisfied, mischief-making
people, who pretended to consider a change at all desirable. Upton had
now been in a year; had shown himself obliging and faithful; and
although a few unimportant mistakes, unavoidable under the
circumstances, had escaped his eye in the early part of his career, he
was now experienced, and no such errors would be likely to occur in
future.
The attention of the Department was then called to the fact that the
names of John Harmon, Solomon Corwin, Amos Fink, and several others,
probably would be found on both the Clark and Barnaby petitions! This
inconsistency was easily accounted for. In the first place, John
Harmon had always been accustomed, when Crocker was post master, to
make himself quite at home in the office. Mr. Upton, however,
exercising a stern impartiality, had from the first excluded every
outsider from the private room, Harmon not excepted, during the
business of opening and assorting the mails. Thereupon Harmon had
taken offence, and was ready to sign any petition against Upton,
without regard to the source whence it originated. With respect to
Corwin and Fink and any others whose names might be found on both the
previous petitions, they were easy, good-natured individuals, who
could not say "no;" and who might generally be prevailed upon to sign
any sort of a paper to which their attention was called.
It was therefore the humble prayer of the petitioners, that no
needless change should be made, but that the present post master
should be continued in office, at least until some good reason should
be assigned for his removal.
Then followed a good show of names designed to impress the Department
with the power and influence of the Upton party.
This put a different face upon the matter, and simple justice seemed
to require that the actual incumbent should remain unmolested in the
enjoyment of the honors and emoluments of his office.
But there came another statement from a fourth party, containing grave
and serious charges not only against Barnaby and Clark, but also
against Upton, and recommending the removal of the latter, and the
appointment of a new candidate, Mr. Ezekiel Sloman, to the vacancy. It
was made to appear that Mr. Sloman was the man, of all others, to
please the community at large; and for a time his prospects were very
good; but some of Upton's friends getting wind of the matter, it was
satisfactorily represented to the Department, that although an honest,
well-meaning man, the said Sloman was entirely destitute of energy and
business tact; that, indeed, he had so little worldly capacity that he
was literally supported by the charity of friends; and that in order
to relieve themselves of the encumbrance, these friends had united to
have him appointed post master.
Thus Sloman was cast overboard. The Upton party exulted. Their
opponents were exasperated, and a coalition was formed between the
Barnaby and Clark factions.
Aminadab Fogle and John Harmon put their heads together. Both Clark
and Barnaby were dropped, and all hands agreed to support a new man
named Wheeler. But the main thing was to remove Upton. The following
strong point was accordingly made against that individual, in addition
to the previous charges.
"Although entirely disinterested in the matter, except so far as
the common rights of humanity are concerned, the undersigned
consider it their conscientious duty to inform your Honor that the
said Upton is decidedly opposed to the present national
administration. He has long been at heart an abolitionist of the
deepest dye, and of late his fanaticism has shown itself in
public. During the recent Presidential campaign, the post-office
was made the head-quarters of the Free Soilers, and was, during a
large portion of the time, converted into a regular caucus room by
the leaders of that party. That your Honor may judge for yourself
what this man's political conduct has been, the undersigned take
the liberty of calling your attention to the enclosed editorial
notice of a Free Soil meeting in which Deacon Upton took an active
part. It is clipped from the columns of the "Temperance Goblet," a
paper neutral in politics and religion, and entirely independent
and impartial on the post-office question.
The following is the newspaper paragraph referred to:
"Next, we were a little surprised to see our respected friend post
master Upton take the floor, and treat the audience to a harangue,
which as a specimen of eloquence will, we venture to assert, find
nothing to compare with it in the orations of Cicero. But it was
the matter, more than the manner of the speech, which excited our
astonishment. We had always given our friend credit for being a
law and order man, _notwithstanding his well known abolition
prejudices_," (words in italics underscored with ink by the
petitioners,) until the occasion of this public demonstration of
the most ultra Garrisonianism. How a man, uniformly discreet,
should have suffered his feelings to run away with his judgment in
a public discourse, we cannot conceive, unless it be that in the
whirlwind of eloquence that bore him away, all consideration of
law, patriotism, and duty, were lost sight of. After all, it is
not Upton who is to blame, it is the times. He should have lived
in Athens, in the palmy days of Grecian oratory. What would
Demosthenes have been by the side of the giant Upton? Echo answers
"What?"
This proved the decisive blow. Upton was cut off like Hamlet, senior,
"Even in the blossoms of his sin."
Scarce was his removal effected, however, when the eyes of Harrowfork
were suddenly opened to the fact that he was "about the best man for
post master, that could be had, after all!"
The slanders that had been circulated to his disadvantage, were turned
in his favor. Among other instances of dishonest dealing, in the
opposition party, the great fraud touching Upton's Abolitionism, was
now discovered and exposed. He was proved to be entirely innocent of
any such "political heresy;" and it was further shown that the slip of
editorial clipped from "The Temperance Goblet," had never appeared in
the columns of that paper--that it had been prepared expressly, and
privately printed for the dishonest purpose it had served!
But the correction of the false and malicious statements came too late
to benefit Upton in his official capacity. He had "gone out with the
tide," and the returning waves were ineffectual to bring him in again.
He was politically defunct, and a new post master "reigned in his
stead."
About the new post master. He was the favorite of no faction, and the
appointment came to him as unexpectedly as to the public. This is the
way of it.
About the time, the "Town Committee," having first endorsed a paper in
favor of Wheeler, sent privately to Washington to inform the Post
Master General that the said endorsement was a mere formality, to be
taken no notice of whatever; and to recommend a new candidate named
Foster.
The Department becoming not a little disgusted with the whole
business, wrote to a "reliable" man in the vicinity, but not in the
town, for advice on the subject. Flattered by the compliment, the
"reliable" person drew up an elaborate paper on the subject,
demonstrating that the party would be endangered by the appointment of
either of the rival candidates, and representing that some such
cool-headed and discreet individual as Mr. Walters, (a widower of
forty,) against whom no prejudice had been raised, and who would no
doubt prove acceptable to the entire community, should receive the
commission. This "reliable" man was supposed of course to be quite
disinterested. His suggestion was accordingly adopted, and Walters
walked into the Post-Office, as Upton walked out.
But little opposition would have been excited against the new
incumbent, had the manner of his appointment remained a secret. But
the "reliable" man thought it too good to keep. He desired that
society should know what an important personage he had become. The
dignity of his being consulted by the Department at Washington, would
be but half enjoyed privately. He accordingly rode over to Harrowfork,
shook hands with the "Select-men," talked about the post-office, and
laughed inwardly, holding his sides and looking suspiciously wise,
whenever the subject of the new appointment was broached. He knew a
thing or two--_he_ could tell a secret if he chose--there was more
than one way to settle a quarrel;--he knew the Department, the
Department knew him. Ha! ha! ha! and ho! ho! ho! &c.
Horrible doubts racked the brain of John Harmon. He took Aminadab
Fogle aside.
"Look here!" said he. "What relation is Judge Ames (the "reliable
man") to the new post master?"
"I declare," replied Fogle, "I never thought of that! Walters is Ames'
wife's sister's husband's youngest brother! He is dreadful thick, too,
with the family, and the talk is he is going to marry Ames' oldest
daughter."
"That explains it," said John Harmon; "I knew there was something of
the kind at the bottom of it all. Keep dark, and I'll pump the Judge
until we get out of him all about the way this rascally appointment
has been made."
Already it was "a rascally" appointment.
After Harmon's talk with the Judge, who was but too ready to
acknowledge his instrumentality in the matter, it became a "detestable
appointment," and an "underhanded proceeding." And scarce had the tail
of the Judge's horse disappeared over the bridge that night, when all
Harrowfork rang with the discovery that had been made. Little thought
the "reliable" man as he went home, chuckling over the joke, what a
hornet's nest he had disturbed. But he probably knew something of it
the following Sunday, when the widower Walters went over to Amesbury
to pay a visit to the Judge's family in general, and his eldest
daughter in particular.
The truth is, a deafening hum of indignation had gone up from
Harrowfork, and it was universally declared that the new appointment
was by far the most objectionable that could possibly have been made!
The result was, the Department, the "reliable" man, and the new post
master, individually and collectively, got soundly abused by all
hands; and it was not long before a delegation was dispatched to
Washington, to expose the fraud, and remonstrate against the
continuance of Walters in office. Against the latter, the most serious
charges were preferred. It was claimed, among other things, that he
had been in town but a few years; furthermore, that he had some time
since held the office of post master in a neighboring state, and had
resigned to prevent being removed for official delinquencies. It was
mainly on this ground that the Post Master General was induced to
recall his commission. Scarcely was this done, however, when it was
discovered that the unfortunate man had been wronged; that it was
another Walters who had been a post master, &c.
Anxious to make immediate reparation, the Department hastened to send
on the papers again; but by this time, Walters, indignant at the
manner in which he had been treated, refused to accept the office,
writing a high-toned and dignified letter on the subject to the Post
Master General.
"I do not wish," said he, "to have anything whatever to do with
the petty strife of politics. I have not sought, neither do I
desire, any public office. Had such been my ambition, my recent
experience would be sufficient entirely to eradicate the disease,
unless it had become chronic, from the effects of breathing too
long the malaria of political society.
"'Some men are born great; some achieve greatness; and others have
greatness thrust upon them;' mine was of the last description; but
I am thankful that it has been temporary: nor shall I again
consent to endure 'the slings and arrows of outrageous Fortune,'
in so lofty and exposed a position as that of post master of
Harrowfork."
The sharp and independent style of this epistle made Walters quite
popular with the Department, and he was again urged to accept the
commission, which he again refused.
The trouble was accordingly no nearer a settlement than at the outset.
The Department had unwittingly offended everybody, and the "reliable"
man was, perhaps, the most violently indignant of all. When applied to
a second time, he fired off an explosive epistle at the Post Master
General, which would serve as a model for that style of writing.
"He was not the person," he said, "to place himself more than once in
a position to be gratuitously insulted." And he was surprised that the
Department, after subjecting Walters to the treatment he had received,
should again apply to him (the Judge) for assistance. Had he an enemy
whom he wished to make the victim of public animadversion and
disgrace, he might possibly nominate him to the office. But certainly
he could not think of laying such an affliction at the door of his
friends. In conclusion, the Post Master General, President, and
Company, were politely invited to "look elsewhere for support in
future."
The truth is, the Judge's vanity was touched. Having enjoyed the
notoriety of procuring the appointment of Walters, he naturally became
incensed at the turn affairs had taken, and seized the first
opportunity of emptying the vials of his wrath in a quarter where they
were expected to produce a sensation. The Administration, however,
survived.
Meanwhile Mr. Atkins, editor of the Temperance Goblet, who had _his_
special candidate--a speculator named Blake--was playing his cards
adroitly. He had a strong ally in Hon. Mr. Savage, M. C., then at
Washington. The last-named gentleman, who had previously taken offence
at the Post Master General, for having the independence to fill a
vacancy in a post-office in his District without consulting him, now,
however, came alertly to the rescue, assuring the Department that
Blake was the most suitable man that could be chosen. Blake was
accordingly honored with the commission which Walters had refused.
Now Blake was a strenuous advocate of the "Maine law." He,
accordingly, had for his enemies all the opponents of his favorite
doctrine. The "Harrowfork Freeman," an anti-Maine law organ, was
particularly bitter against him. The editor of that paper lent his
columns to the exposure of the new post master's past course, and in a
"scathing article" accused him of having been formerly the proprietor
of a large distillery, and of having accumulated the bulk of his
property in that business!
On the other hand, Atkins of the Goblet devoted his paper to the
defence of his candidate. At the same time Hon. Mr. Savage had become
reconciled to the Post Master General, in consequence of the attention
paid to his recommendation in the case, and wrote a friendly and
familiar letter to the Department, explanatory and apologetic of
Blake's course. He alluded to the article in the "Freeman," and
expressed a hope that the Department would not be prejudiced by its
statements.
This reference, by the way, was the first intimation the Department
had, that such an article ever appeared. The honorable member went on
to treat the subject as if the general Government and the nation at
large stood waiting with breathless anxiety for the issue.
"True," said he, "he was at one time engaged in the manufacture of
liquor; but certainly that circumstance should not injure him in the
estimation of high-minded and liberal men. It is an honest calling, if
honestly followed, and nobody will pretend that Blake has not shown
himself upright in all his dealings. For my part, I hold to
enlightened views on the subject of eating and drinking; nor do I
believe that one citizen has a right to penetrate and criticise
another's private life."
Blake was continued in office, whether in consequence of the Honorable
member's championship, we cannot say. But certain it was, that in the
election struggle which came off soon after, Atkins of the Goblet
supported the regular candidate for Congress, who was no other than
this same Mr. Savage, of "enlightened views;" and by carrying the mass
of the temperance vote, secured his re-election by some forty-five
majority!
The Goblet's course in this business appeared not a little mysterious.
It had supported Blake for post master--a man whose temperance
professions were now regarded as entirely superficial and
worthless--and Savage for Congress, a person more than suspected as
being a moderate drinker and a man of boasted "liberal principles."
Messrs. Harmon and Fogle put their dissatisfied heads together to
discover the secret. They were aided and encouraged by the editor of
the Freeman, and presently in an article in that paper headed, "How to
make Tin Night-Caps out of Pine Shingles," the whole "black history of
shameless fraud and double-dealing," as it was called, was revealed
to an astounded public. We quote a few paragraphs from the Freeman's
article:--
"Here," said the merciless reviewer, with genuine satire, "here is
a beautiful instance of love and harmony in political life! Here
is prophecy fulfilled. 'The lion and the lamb shall lie down
together, and a little child shall lead them.' Savage--rightly
named--is the lion. Blake--innocent, harmless, dove-like Blake,
who never did anything wrong, is the lamb; and Atkins is the
little boy. He leads them into sweet pastures of public office;
and gives them to drink of Congress water and post-office pap. O
happy trio! O honest and consistent coalition!
"What makes the union appear all the more admirable, is the fact
that the most discordant elements have here been made to blend and
intermingle. Savage is a moderate drinker, who loves his wine at
dinner, and his punch before going to bed. Atkins is a stiff and
uncompromising temperance man. One is Maine law, the other is
anti-Maine law. As for Blake, he is sometimes one, sometimes both,
and sometimes neither one thing nor the other. But Atkins supports
Savage, Savage supports Blake, and they all support each other.
"Now, as our grandmother used to say, 'wherever you see a
turnip-top growing, you may be sure that there's a turnip at the
bottom of it. Large or small, it's still a turnip.' Now, we have
long admired the luxuriance of Savage, Atkins, Blake & Co.'s
turnip-tops. We have recently been looking for the turnip, and lo!
here it is! Who secured Savage's re-election? Blake, when at the
last county convention of the Maine Laws, he advised them not to
make an independent temperance ticket for Congress. Who devoted
his paper to the cause of the moderate drinker? Atkins. Who got
Blake the post-office? Atkins and Savage. But what are Savage and
Blake doing for Atkins all this time? Is Atkins so unselfish as to
work for them gratis? Nobody believes it! Where then does the milk
in the cocoa-nut come from? Let us see.
"In the first place--we have it on the authority of an old lady
who knows the genealogy of every family in the county, and can
trace most people's ancestry back to Noah--Blake is Atkins's
second cousin. There's one point. Now for another. Blake owns
three-fourths of the entire Goblet printing establishment, and
holds the property in such a way, that he can any day take the
paper into his own hands, and manage it to suit himself!
Therefore, whoever edits the Goblet, is Blake's tributary. We were
going to say tool or slave, but concluded to sacrifice truth to
politeness. Thus it happens that Atkins is only as it were Blake's
left hand," &c.
After several more paragraphs of the same sort, the author of the
annihilating article, who found it very difficult to conclude the
subject, being of a very rich and attractive nature, finally summed up
all his points, and bound them together with a striking original
quotation, attributed to Shakspeare. It was as follows:
"O consistency! thou art a jewel!
Which, like the toad, ugly and envious,
Bears yet a precious secret in his head."
It was this mongrel quotation which damped the Freeman's powder. The
Goblet took it up, turning the laugh against its rival; and for months
the modern style of rendering Shakspeare was a standing joke. Of
course a copy of the Freeman, containing the editorial marked, was
sent to the Post Master General; but on reading about the toad at the
end of the annihilating article, the Department dismissed the whole
subject with a good-natured laugh.
Notwithstanding the truth of the charges against him, Blake was
continued in office. 'Twas probably the fun of the thing that saved
him.
Then followed a lull. The good people of Harrowfork were worn out with
the harassing post-office question, and it was permitted to rest until
the approach of the next Congressional election.
Atkins of the Goblet went openly to work to secure the re-nomination
of Savage. But in the mean time, a "spy in Washington"--there are
always "spies in Washington"--privately gave information to the
leading Maine law men in the District, concerning the Honorable
member's very equivocal support of temperance principles. Armed with
this intelligence, the indignant constituency remonstrated with
Atkins on the inconsistency of his course. He however, "flatly denied"
the allegations against Savage.
"Very well," said the constituency; "you may be sincere, but we shall
investigate the matter a little."
At the allusion to investigation, Atkins winced, and endeavored to
dissuade his friends from such a "needless step."
"We'll have a committee appointed to write Savage a letter, at all
events, and demand an exposition of his principles," replied they. "We
want to know what sort of a man we are supporting. We went for Savage
before, mainly through your influence; now we're determined to make
sure it's all right, before we give him a single vote."
"Nonsense, gentlemen," said Atkins; "of course it's all right! Don't
go to bothering our candidate with letters. Letters are the devil in
politics."
The temperance men, however, were not to be dissuaded, and a letter
was written, in which the Hon. member was asked, among other things,
if he was or was not "in the habit of using intoxicating liquors as a
beverage, while at the seat of Government?"
In reply to this question, the gentleman of "enlightened views" wrote
to the committee:--
"I frankly admit, that the consequence of the bad water at
Washington, which has so deleterious an effect upon my health,
when I drink it, as to render me for a large portion of the time
unfit for business, I have occasionally, by the advice of my
physician, resorted to ardent spirits, simply as a remedial agent.
Yet this habit has been confined _strictly_ to the Capital. Never
out of Washington have I indulged in anything of the sort, even as
a medicine."
This letter was received with significant nods and winks, expressive
of doubts and disapprobation, by the committee; and it was sent to the
"Goblet" for publication. In the mean time, however, its author had
given Atkins private instructions on the subject; and the "Goblet"
declined to publish the letter.
"Gentlemen," said Atkins, when called on for an explanation, "this is
an absurd affair from beginning to end. I opposed the proceeding at
the outset. I consider the letter perfectly satisfactory; but my
readers are tired of these things, and so am I. I must therefore be
excused from having anything to do with the affair."
"You will publish the letter, however, as an advertisement?" suggested
the committee.
"Not even as an advertisement!"
"Not if paid for?"
"No, not if paid for, gentlemen!" said the imperturbable Atkins.
"Very well," replied the committee, exasperated, "we know who will
publish it."
They went across the way to the office of the "Freeman," the "rum
paper," as it was called. Harmon, who was of the committee, knew the
editor, and took him confidentially aside.
"Atkins," said he, "refuses to print this document; 'twill be just the
thing for you, and it will spite him to see it in the Freeman."
"To tell you the truth," said he, "I'm afraid to publish it. 'Twill
just suit our moderate drinkers, and I'm not so sure but it would
injure _our_ candidate with that class of men. On the whole," said he,
"I think I won't print it."
Foiled in this quarter, John Harmon bethought him of the "News
Courier," a neutral paper published in a neighboring town, which
offered to print communications relating to the approaching campaign,
provided they were written in a proper spirit, and did not compromise
too much its position as a neutral journal.
The Savage letter was accordingly sent to the Courier, and promptly
appeared in its columns. But the editor, desiring to keep both scales
of the balance as nearly in equilibrium as possible, inserted in the
same number of his paper a very profound, scientific treatise, signed
"Filter," giving an analysis of the Washington water, showing that its
chemical properties were identical with those of the member's own
well at home! and strongly questioning the utility of mixing whiskey
with it at all, and more especially such whiskey as is too often sold
at the seat of Government!
The result was decisive. The Goblet lost popularity and patronage;
Atkins lost influence and money; and Savage lost the election. On the
other hand, the News Courier gained the favor and support of the
temperance people, by its "bold and manly course" in exposing the
rottenness of Savage's principles. John Harmon was triumphant; and one
of the very leaders of the temperance cause was sent to Congress.
The new member was no other than Judge Ames, the "reliable" man,
himself! Reader, be not surprised! Political life is fertile in such
unexpected events. The Judge had gained popularity by coming out
strongly for the Maine law. The old party to which he belonged had
endorsed his nomination, John Harmon electioneered for him, and lent
his horse and wagon to bring invalids, old men, and indifferent voters
to the polls, on election day; and the Judge was returned by an
overwhelming majority.
Then the old question of post master was again revived, and the whole
ground gone over again; the contest becoming more personal and
desperate than before, and the files of the Department teeming with
all sorts of exaggerated petitions and violent remonstrances. The
appointing power was made the victim of every kind of imposition and
abuse.
In the mean while the new member exercised that better part of valor,
called discretion. Popularity rendered him good-natured and
conservative; and he lost no time in effecting a reconciliation with
the Post Master General, of whom he had so rashly complained. Already,
on the other hand he had written to his constituents describing the
embarrassment of his situation, and requesting as a particular favor
that he might for a brief period at least be excused from any personal
interference with the post-office quarrel.
This unexpected communication somewhat disappointed the enemies of
Blake; John Harmon, in particular, was highly exasperated, having
previously obtained a promise from Ames that, in case of his election,
he would use his influence to have Blake removed.
The antagonistic parties were accordingly left to settle their
difficulties as best they could. The battle raged furiously. Fresh
petitions, remonstrances, affidavits, and accusations were volleyed at
the Department; and at length a special bearer of dispatches was
delegated to Washington, to support the charges against Blake, and
demand of the Post Master General his reasons for declining immediate
action in so plain a case.
Now, the person selected for this important mission was no other than
our old acquaintance, Mr. John Harmon. He was intrusted with the
business for several excellent reasons. In the first place, he was a
ready and vehement talker. Secondly, he was an enthusiast on the
post-office question, and a bitter opponent of the Blake faction.
Thirdly, he understood human nature, and knew how to manage Ames.
Fourthly, and chiefly, he was the author of the most serious charge
against Blake. He had a short time before posted a letter containing a
twenty dollar bank-note, at the Harrowfork post-office. This letter
never reached its destination. Now, Blake knew there was money in that
letter; and it could be proved that, not long after its miscarriage,
just such a bank-note as the one contained was passed by the post
master, "under suspicious circumstances."
This charge was on file among the papers of the Department; and it was
thought that Harmon was the most suitable person to agitate the
subject.
Mr. John Harmon made a comfortable journey, and arrived at the seat of
Government in due season. His first business was to secure lodgings
suited to the high character of a delegate from Harrowfork. But
Washington was crowded with visitors, and the hotels were filled. Mr.
John Harmon was chagrined. He leaned his chin upon his hand, and his
elbow upon the counter of the "National." Mr. John Harmon ruminated.
"I don't see but what me'n' you'll hef to go halves, and turn in
together," said a voice at his other elbow.
Mr. John Harmon looked up. A stranger, of tall figure, prominent
cheek-bones, sallow complexion, dressed in a very new and very stiff
suit of clothes, smiled upon him in a decidedly friendly manner.
"There's jest one room, the landlord says'st we can hav' on a pinch,"
confined the speaker. "It's up pooty high, and an't a very sizable
room, at that. I've got the furst offer on't, but I won't mind makin'
a team'th you, if you're a mind to hitch on, and make the best on't.
What d'ye say?"
Mr. John Harmon said he supposed he would accept his new friend's
proposal. But at the same time he hinted to the clerk at the desk that
he was from the Hon. Mr. Ames' District.
"If you were the President, himself, we could not do any better by
you, under the circumstances," said the clerk.
This assurance served to soothe John Harmon's injured feelings, and he
retired to the room in the top of the house, with his new
acquaintance.
"Come down on Gov'ment business, I s'pose likely?" suggested the
latter.
"Yes," replied John Harmon, "on post-office business."
"I want to know! Glad we fell in," cried the stranger. "I came down on
some sich business myself."
"Indeed!" said John Harmon. "You are going to call on the Post Master
General, then?"
"Shouldn't be 'tall surprised," remarked the other, rolling up his
sleeves over the wash-bowl. "Can't tell exac'ly, though. I wanted to
see what was goin' on down here, and git a sight of the big bugs, and
hear a little spoutin' in Congress; so I told our folks to hum--says
I, I b'lieve I'll scooter off down to Washin'ton, says I, and take a
peep into the Dead Letter Office, and see if I can find hide or hair
o' that 'ere hundred dollar letter, says I."
"Have you lost a letter containing a hundred dollars?" inquired John
Harmon, interested.
The stranger said "'twas jes' so," and went on to relate the
circumstances. He also incidentally stated that his name was Forrester
Wilcox; that he owned a farm somewhere "down East," comprising over
two hundred acres of land, and one hundred and fifty under
cultivation; that he had been a member of the Maine legislature, and
held the office of "deputy sheriff" in his county. This account of
himself impressed John Harmon favorably; and in return for the
confidence, he talked Mr. Forrester Wilcox to sleep that night, on the
subject of the Harrowfork post-office.
On the following morning, our friends concluded to pay an early visit
to the Post-Office Department. They were now on excellent terms with
each other; and on arriving at the Department, John Harmon readily
accepted an invitation from Forrester Wilcox to accompany him to the
Dead Letter Office, before endangering the digestion of his breakfast,
by entering upon the perplexing Harrowfork business. Accordingly, as
they entered the building, Mr. Wilcox hailed a messenger.
"Look here! you!" said he, "where abouts does a chap go to find the
Dead Letters?"
"This way," replied the polite messenger.
The visitors were shown to the left, through the lower main hall of
the Department; then turning into another passage, the messenger
pointed out the last door on the right, as the one they were in search
of.
"Thank ye," said Mr. Wilcox; "I'll do as much for you some time. May
as well bolt right in, I suppose?" he added, consulting his companion.
John Harmon said "certainly," and the next moment the two found
themselves in the midst of the clerks of that important Bureau. Mr.
Forrester Wilson singled out one of the most approachable of them, and
addressed him on the subject of the hundred dollar letter.
"I have no recollection of any such letter," said the clerk. However,
for the visitor's satisfaction, he examined the list of returned money
letters, for the last quarter. John Harmon, interested for his friend
Wilcox, also ran his eye over the list.
"It's not here," said the clerk; "but you may rest assured, that in
case it is at any time discovered, it will find its way back to you in
safety."
He was about to dismiss the visitors, but John Harmon coughed; John
Harmon looked very red. John Harmon was perspiring very profusely. The
truth is, among the last letters on the list, he found recorded the
identical one, containing the twenty dollar bank note, which Blake was
charged with purloining! What to do in the matter, John Harmon was at
a loss to know. After some hesitation, however, he asked permission to
glance once more at the list. He was accommodated, and presently his
finger rested on the important entry.
"I declare," said he, "if there ain't a letter I mailed at Harrowfork!
I had no idea of finding it here! Can I get it now, by proving
property?"
"It has already been returned to your address," answered the clerk, on
learning the circumstances. "You will find it on your return to
Harrowfork. It miscarried in consequence of a mistake in the
superscription."
"Are you sure it has been sent?" inquired John Harmon.
The clerk was quite sure, and John Harmon instantly withdrew.
"So there's one of your charges agin Blake knocked overboard,"
suggested Wilcox. "He'll be a little grain tickled to see that 'ere
letter come back, I s'pect!"
"No person," answered John Harmon, magnanimously, "no person in the
world can be more rejoiced than I am, that Blake is proved innocent of
the charge."
Wilcox replied that he was very glad to hear it; and so they parted to
meet again at dinner. Whether John Harmon was so greatly rejoiced at
the proof of Blake's innocence, will be seen in the sequel.
While the Down Easter went to see the lions about town, our delegate
found his way to the apartment of the Post Master General, and
inquired for that officer in a manner which said very plainly, "I am
John Harmon, of Harrowfork; and I guess now we'll have that little
post-office affair settled."
Unfortunately--or rather fortunately, for his own peace of mind, at
least, the Post Master General was engaged that morning at Cabinet
meeting at the White House, and John Harmon was referred to the First
Assistant, who listened patiently to his statement. Our delegate had a
speech prepared for the occasion, which he now declaimed in a very
high tone of voice, "with a swaggering accent, sharply twanged off,"
as Sir Toby Belch would have said, and with vehement and abundant
gestures.
"I am instructed by my constituents," he said, in conclusion, "to
demand of the Department satisfactory reasons for the delay and
procrastination to which we have been obliged tamely to submit!"
"You should consider," politely returned the Assistant, "that
Harrowfork numbers only one among some twenty-four thousand
post-offices in the Union; and that it is a little unreasonable to
expect us to bear in mind all the details of an occasional and not
uncommon case. We will attend to your business, however, directly."
The papers relating to the Harrowfork Post-Office were sent for, and
promptly produced. The delegate seized them without ceremony. The
first endorsement that caught his eye, checked his eagerness, and
induced reflection.
"I'd like to know, sir," said he, "_what that means_?" as he called
the Assistant's attention to the Word "REST," inscribed in formidable
characters, very much resembling the hand-writing of the Post Master
General.
"If you think," he continued, "or imagine, or flatter yourselves that
you're to have any kind of _rest_ in this marble building, till that
rascally Blake is turned out, you're very much mistaken. Or if it
means that you want the _rest_ of the temperance men in favor of his
removal, I can promise you so much, on my responsibility as a
delegate."
The Assistant smiled. He had dealt with persons of John Harmon's
temperament before.
"Permit me to inform you," said he, "what that harmless little word
signifies. It means nothing more nor less than that, for the present,
no action is to take place. Ah!" he added, glancing at the brief upon
the papers, "I remember this case very well! It has been from first to
last an exceedingly vexatious one to the Department, and these
memoranda bring it pretty fully to my recollection."
"Well, sir," interrupted John Harmon, in his declamatory way--"isn't
it plain? isn't it perfectly clear? Haven't we the rights of the case,
sir?"
"It is not quite so plain--not quite so clear--nor is it easy to
determine who has the rights of the case," returned the official. "The
most troublesome point at the present time, seems to be this: while,
according to the documents, a majority of the citizens of Harrowfork
seem to be eager for a removal, both the late member of Congress, and
the newly elected one, have written private letters here--I mention
this confidentially--in favor of the present incumbent."
"You don't mean Ames?" cried John Harmon. "Ames hasn't come out for
Blake?"
"There is a letter on file, over his own signature, in which he
represents that Blake is as suitable a man as could be named, and that
he had better be continued in office."
The Assistant spoke with seriousness and candor. John Harmon was
thunderstruck.
"Just give me a look at that letter!" said he, through his closed
teeth. "I want to see it over Ames' own fist, before I believe it!
When we promised our support for his election, he agreed to carry out
our wishes in regard to the post-office, at all hazards! If he has
dared to turn traitor!" muttered John Harmon, revengefully.
"The letter is entirely of a private nature," said the Assistant,
"but it is contrary to our wishes to keep any communications secret,
that are designed to influence our public acts; and owing to the
peculiar circumstances of the case, I am willing to show you the
letter,--on condition, however, that its contents shall not be
divulged outside the Department."
John Harmon, burning to seize upon the evidence of Ames' treachery,
assented, although reluctantly; and the official explored the
wilderness of papers, for the document in question. "Here it is," said
he, "no!"--glancing at the endorsement--"this is a communication with
regard to a letter of your own, containing a twenty dollar note, which
Blake is charged with purloining. How is it about that? anything new?"
"Well,--no,--hem!" coughed John Harmon. After discovering the proof of
Blake's innocence, in the Dead Letter Office, he rather hoped the
subject would not be mentioned; but he was too much absorbed in
looking after Ames' honesty, to take very good care of his own. "The
matter--hem!" (John's throat was quite musty)--"stands about as it
did."
"You have no positive proof of the charge, then?"
"No,--well,--that is, not what would be called legal proof, I suppose.
The circumstances were very strong against Blake at the time, but
being all in the neighborhood, nobody liked to prosecute. For my
part," said John Harmon, nobly, "I'd rather suffer wrong, than do
wrong, and I preferred to lose the twenty dollars, to injuring Blake's
private character."
The Assistant made a commendatory remark touching this generous
sentiment, and passed over the letter. John Harmon wiped the
perspiration from his brow, and felt relieved. Whether he was ashamed
to confess his own gross carelessness in the matter, and the injustice
of his charge, or whether--acting on the principle of doing evil that
good might come from it, he determined to make the most of every point
established against Blake, without regard to truth--does not plainly
appear. We leave the affair to his own conscience.
The assistant meanwhile drew Ames' letter out of the "case." In his
eagerness to grasp it, John Harmon dropped it upon the floor. As he
stooped to take it up, his eye caught a glimpse of a visitor who had
just entered. John Harmon looked at the visitor, the visitor looked at
John Harmon. John Harmon looked first red, then white; the visitor
looked first very white, then very red. The delegate was the first to
resume his self-possession.
[Illustration]
"Well, friend Ames, how do you do?" said he, adroitly shifting the
letter from his right hand to the left, and giving the former to the
"Honorable" member.
"Very well! Capital!" replied Ames, nervously. "What's the news?"
"Nothing particular," said John Harmon, with a grim smile, sliding the
letter into his hat. "Fine weather--Good deal of company at
Washington, I find."
"O yes, considerable!" Ames rubbed his hands, and tried to appear at
ease. "I am glad to see you here. You must go up to the House with me.
How are all the folks at home? How's Harrowfork now-a-days?"
John Harmon answered these questions evasively.
At the same time, the Assistant's countenance betrayed an inward
appreciation of unspeakable fun. The member's face grew redder still,
and still more red. The truth is, he had that morning received a note
from Blake warning him of Harmon's journey to the Capital, and had
just left his seat in the House, hastening to the Department, to
secure the fatal letter before it betrayed his treachery.
As we have seen, he was just too late.
The Assistant took pleasure in seating the two visitors side by side
upon the same sofa, and allowed them to entertain each other. But the
conversation was forced, unnatural, embarrassing. At length Ames,
resolved upon knowing the worst, plunged desperately into the
all-important subject.
"I suppose," said he, "you don't entirely get over the excitement at
home about the post-office."
"No, we don't," replied John Harmon, significantly; "and that ain't
the worst of it." He bent over the end of the sofa, and deliberately,
with the grimmest sort of smile, drew from his hat the Honorable
member's private note.
"And, somehow, it don't strike me," he added, glancing his eye over
its contents, "that this letter of yours is going to lessen the
excitement very materially. I suppose you know that hand-writing?"
He thrust the letter into the Honorable member's face. The Honorable
member's face flushed more fiery than before. He stammered, he smiled,
he rubbed his handkerchief in his hands, and upon his brow.
"My dear Harmon," said he, blandly, "I see you don't fully understand
this business."
"I'm sure I don't," cried John Harmon; "and I'd like to find the
honest man who does! Didn't you pledge yourself to use your influence,
if elected, to have Blake removed?"
"Don't speak so loud!" whispered the Honorable member, who didn't at
all fancy the humorous smile on the Assistant's face. "It's all right,
I assure you. But this isn't exactly the place to talk over the
affair. Come with me to my lodgings, and we'll discuss the matter."
Not averse to discussion, John Harmon consented to the proposal.
"I beg your pardon," said the Assistant Post Master General, "but that
paper,--I cannot suffer that to be removed."
It was the fatal letter. John Harmon wanted it; the Honorable member
wanted it still more; but the Assistant insisted, and the document was
left behind.
Now, the Honorable member was in what is commonly termed a "fix." Like
too many such politicians, who, nevertheless, as Mark Antony says, are
"all honorable men," he had found it convenient to adopt the "good
Lord, good devil" policy, using two oars to row his boat into the
comfortable haven of public office.
Accordingly, while gently drawing figmative wool over the visual
organs of the radical temperance people, he had managed, at the same
time, by private pledges, to conciliate Atkins, Blake & Company, and
secure the silence of the Goblet. Once elected, he did not fail to
look forward to a future election, in view of which he considered it
expedient to smile upon one faction with one side of his face, and
grin upon the opposition with the other.
For this double-dealing, honest, honest Iago,--we mean honest John
Harmon--called the member to account.
How the affair was settled is not generally known. But one thing is
positive. The Honorable member and the delegate from Harrowfork
suddenly blossomed into excellent and enduring friends; and not long
after, Mr. John Harmon became the occupant of a snug berth at the seat
of Government, supposed to have been obtained through the influence of
the Honorable member from his District.
"How about Blake and the post-office?" inquired Mr. Forrester Wilcox,
the morning he left Washington.
"I've concluded," replied John Harmon, candidly, "that the post-office
is well enough as it is. Blake turns out to be a passable kind of post
master after all, and I don't really think 'twill be worth while to
make any change for the present."
And this was the answer the worthy delegate made to all persons, who,
from that time forward, interrogated him on the subject.
Shortly after, his very Honorable friend, the member from his
District, being now decidedly averse to political letter-writing, went
home on a flying visit, and passing through Harrowfork, took pains to
make himself agreeable to all parties. Among other nice and prudent
acts, he privately consulted Blake. The post master listened to his
advice, and immediately on the member's return to Washington,
appointed as an assistant in his office, a young man of strict
temperance principles, who was quite popular with the opposition, and
who had for some time acted as Secretary of the "County Association
for the Suppression of Intemperance."
This appointment seemed to cast oil upon the troubled waters. And so
the matter rests at the present date.
Ames is still in Congress; John Harmon continues to enjoy his
comfortable quarters at the seat of Government. Tim Blake remains the
efficient post master of Harrowfork, with the young man of strict
temperance principles for his assistant; and Atkins still edits the
Goblet.
This powerful organ has of late regained something of its former
popularity and patronage; but whether it will support Ames at the next
Congressional election, depends upon Blake; whether Blake retains his
office, depends upon Ames; whether Ames maintains his position and
influence at home, depends in a very great measure upon honest John
Harmon, who, like the Ghost in Hamlet,
"Could a tale unfold, whose lightest word would harrow up"
the political soil of Harrowfork, in a manner dangerous to the
Constitution and the Union.