At what time of life may a man think himself exempted from the necessity
of sacrificing his repose to the punctilios of a contemptible world? I
have been engaged in a ridiculous adventure, which I shall recount at
meeting; and this, I hope, will not be much longer delayed, as we have
now performed almost all our visits, and seen every thing that I think
has any right to retard us in our journey homewards--A few days ago,
understanding by accident, that my old friend Baynard was in the
country, I would not pass so near his habitation without paying him a
visit, though our correspondence had been interrupted for a long course
of years.
I felt my self very sensibly affected by the idea of our past intimacy,
as we approached the place where we had spent so many happy days
together; but when we arrived at the house, I could not recognize
any one of those objects, which had been so deeply impressed upon my
remembrance--The tall oaks that shaded the avenue, had been cut down,
and the iron gates at the end of it removed, together with the high wall
that surrounded the court yard. The house itself, which was formerly a
convent of Cistercian monks, had a venerable appearance: and along the
front that looked into the garden, was a stone gallery, which afforded
me many an agreeable walk, when I was disposed to be contemplative. Now
the old front is covered with a screen of modern architecture; so that
all without is Grecian, and all within Gothic. As for the garden, which
was well stocked with the best fruit which England could produce,
there is not now the least vestage remaining of trees, walls, or
hedges--Nothing appears but a naked circus of loose sand, with a dry
bason and a leaden triton in the middle.
You must know, that Baynard, at his father’s death, had a clear estate
of fifteen hundred pounds a-year, and was in other respects extremely
well qualified to make a respectable figure in the commonwealth;
but, what with some excesses of youth, and the expence of a contested
election, he in a few years found himself encumbered with a debt of ten
thousand pounds, which he resolved to discharge by means of a prudent
marriage. He accordingly married a miss Thomson, whose fortune amounted
to double the sum that he owed--She was the daughter of a citizen, who
had failed in trade; but her fortune came by an uncle, who died in the
East-Indies--Her own parents being dead, she lived with a maiden aunt,
who had superintended her education; and, in all appearance, was well
enough qualified for the usual purposes of the married state--Her
virtues, however, stood rather upon a negative, than a positive
foundation--She was neither proud, insolent, nor capricious, nor given
to scandal, nor addicted to gaming, nor inclined to gallantry. She could
read, and write, and dance, and sing, and play upon the harpsichord,
and smatter French, and take a hand at whist and ombre; but even these
accomplishments she possessed by halves--She excelled in nothing.
Her conversation was flat, her stile mean, and her expression
embarrassed--In a word, her character was totally insipid. Her person
was not disagreeable; but there was nothing graceful in her address, nor
engaging in her manners; and she was so ill qualified to do the honours
of the house, that when she sat at the head of the table, one was always
looking for the mistress of the family in some other place.
Baynard had flattered himself, that it would be no difficult matter
to mould such a subject after his own fashion, and that she would
chearfully enter into his views, which were wholly turned to domestic
happiness. He proposed to reside always in the country, of which he was
fond to a degree of enthusiasm; to cultivate his estate, which was very
improvable; to enjoy the exercise of rural diversions; to maintain an
intimacy of correspondence with some friends that were settled in
his neighbourhood; to keep a comfortable house, without suffering his
expence to exceed the limits of his income; and to find pleasure and
employ merit for his wife in the management and avocations of her own
family--This, however, was a visionary scheme, which he never was able
to realize. His wife was as ignorant as a new-born babe of everything
that related to the conduct of a family; and she had no idea of a
country-life. Her understanding did not reach so far as to comprehend
the first principles of discretion; and, indeed, if her capacity had
been better than it was, her natural indolence would not have permitted
her to abandon a certain routine, to which she had been habituated. She
had not taste enough to relish any rational enjoyment; but her ruling
passion was vanity, not that species which arises from self-conceit
of superior accomplishments, but that which is of a bastard and idiot
nature, excited by shew and ostentation, which implies not even the
least consciousness of any personal merit.
The nuptial peal of noise and nonsense being rung out in all the usual
changes, Mr Baynard thought it high time to make her acquainted with
the particulars of the plan which he had projected--He told her that his
fortune, though sufficient to afford all the comforts of life, was not
ample enough to command all the superfluities of pomp and pageantry,
which, indeed, were equally absurd and intolerable--He therefore hoped
she would have no objection to their leaving London in the spring, when
he would take the opportunity to dismiss some unnecessary domestics,
whom he had hired for the occasion of their marriage--She heard him in
silence, and after some pause, ‘So (said she) I am to be buried in the
country!’ He was so confounded at this reply, that he could not speak
for some minutes: at length he told her, he was much mortified to find
he had proposed anything that was disagreeable to her ideas--‘I am sure
(added he) I meant nothing more than to lay down a comfortable plan of
living within the bounds of our fortune, which is but moderate.’ ‘Sir
(said she), you are the best judge of your own affairs--My fortune,
I know, does not exceed twenty thousand pounds--Yet, even with that
pittance, I might have had a husband who would not have begrudged me a
house in London’--‘Good God! my dear (cried poor Baynard, in the
utmost agitation), you don’t think me so sordid--I only hinted what I
thought--But, I don’t pretend to impose--’ ‘Yes, sir (resumed the lady),
it is your prerogative to command, and my duty to obey’ So saying, she
burst into tears and retired to her chamber, where she was joined by her
aunt--He endeavoured to recollect himself, and act with vigour of mind
on this occasion; but was betrayed by the tenderness of his nature,
which was the greatest defect of his constitution. He found the aunt
in tears, and the niece in a fit, which held her the best part of eight
hours, at the expiration of which, she began to talk incoherently about
death and her dear husband, who had sat by her all this time, and now
pressed her hand to his lips, in a transport of grief and penitence
for the offence he had given--From thence forward, he carefully avoided
mentioning the country; and they continued to be sucked deeper and
deeper into the vortex of extravagance and dissipation, leading what
is called a fashionable life in town--About the latter end of July,
however, Mrs Baynard, in order to exhibit a proof of conjugal obedience,
desired of her own accord, that they might pay a visit to his country
house, as there was no company left in London. He would have excused
himself from this excursion which was no part of the oeconomical plan he
had proposed; but she insisted upon making this sacrifice to his taste
and prejudices, and away they went with such an equipage as astonished
the whole country. All that remained of the season was engrossed by
receiving and returning visits in the neighbourhood; and, in
this intercourse it was discovered that sir John Chickwell had a
house-steward and one footman in livery more than the complement of
Mr Baynard’s household. This remark was made by the aunt at table, and
assented to by the husband, who observed that sir John Chickwell might
very well afford to keep more servants than were found in the family
of a man who had not half his fortune. Mrs Baynard ate no supper that
evening; but was seized with a violent fit, which completed her triumph
over the spirit of her consort. The two supernumerary servants were
added--The family plate was sold for old silver, and a new service
procured; fashionable furniture was provided, and the whole house turned
topsy turvy.
At their return to London in the beginning of winter, he, with a heavy
heart, communicated these particulars to me in confidence. Before his
marriage, he had introduced me to the lady as his particular friend;
and I now offered in that character, to lay before her the necessity of
reforming her oeconomy, if she had any regard to the interest of her own
family, or complaisance for the inclinations of her husband--But Baynard
declined my offer, on the supposition that his wife’s nerves were
too delicate to bear expostulation; and that it would only serve to
overwhelm her with such distress as would make himself miserable.
Baynard is a man of spirit, and had she proved a termagant, he would
have known how to deal with her; but, either by accident or instinct,
she fastened upon the weak side of his soul, and held it so fast, that
he has been in subjection ever since--I afterwards advised him to carry
her abroad to France or Italy, where he might gratify her vanity for
half the expence it cost him in England: and this advice he followed
accordingly. She was agreeably flattered with the idea of seeing and
knowing foreign parts, and foreign fashions; of being presented to
sovereigns, and living familiarly with princes. She forthwith seized the
hint which I had thrown out on purpose, and even pressed Mr Baynard to
hasten his departure; so that in a few weeks they crossed the sea to
France, with a moderate train, still including the aunt; who was
her bosom counsellor, and abetted her in all her oppositions to her
husband’s will--Since that period, I have had little or no opportunity
to renew our former correspondence--All that I knew of his transactions,
amounted to no more than that after an absence of two years, they
returned so little improved in oeconomy, that they launched out into
new oceans of extravagance, which at length obliged him to mortgage his
estate--By this time she had bore him three children, of which the last
only survives, a puny boy of twelve or thirteen, who will be ruined in
his education by the indulgence of his mother.
As for Baynard, neither his own good sense, nor the dread of indigence,
nor the consideration of his children, has been of force sufficient to
stimulate him into the resolution of breaking at once the shameful spell
by which he seems enchanted--With a taste capable of the most refined
enjoyment, a heart glowing with all the warmth of friendship and
humanity, and a disposition strongly turned to the more rational
pleasures of a retired and country life, he is hurried about in a
perpetual tumult, amidst a mob of beings pleased with rattles, baubles,
and gewgaws, so void of sense and distinction, that even the most acute
philosopher would find it a very hard task to discover for what wise
purpose of providence they were created--Friendship is not to be found;
nor can the amusements for which he sighs be enjoyed within the rotation
of absurdity, to which he is doomed for life. He has long resigned
all views of improving his fortune by management and attention to
the exercise of husbandry, in which he delighted; and as to domestic
happiness, not the least glimpse of hope remains to amuse his
imagination. Thus blasted in all his prospects, he could not fail to
be overwhelmed with melancholy and chagrin, which have preyed upon his
health and spirits in such a manner, that he is now threatened with a
consumption.
I have given you a sketch of the man, whom the other day I went to
visit--At the gate we found a great number of powdered lacquies, but
no civility--After we had sat a considerable time in the coach, we were
told, that Mr Baynard had rode out, and that his lady was dressing; but
we were introduced to a parlour, so very fine and delicate, that in all
appearance it was designed to be seen only, not inhabited. The chairs
and couches were carved, gilt, and covered with rich damask, so smooth
and slick, that they looked as if they had never been sat upon. There
was no carpet upon the floor, but the boards were rubbed and waxed in
such a manner, that we could not walk, but were obliged to slide
along them; and as for the stove, it was too bright and polished to be
polluted with sea-coal, or stained by the smoke of any gross material
fire--When we had remained above half an hour sacrificing to the
inhospitable powers in the temple of cold reception, my friend Baynard
arrived, and understanding we were in the house, made his appearance, so
meagre, yellow, and dejected, that I really should not have known him,
had I met with him in any other place. Running up to me, with great
eagerness, he strained me in his embrace, and his heart was so full,
that for some minutes he could not speak. Having saluted us all round,
he perceived our uncomfortable situation, and conducting us into another
apartment, which had fire in the chimney, called for chocolate--Then,
withdrawing, he returned with a compliment from his wife, and, in the
mean time, presented his son Harry, a shambling, blear-eyed boy, in the
habit of a hussar; very rude, forward, and impertinent. His father would
have sent him to a boarding-school, but his mamma and aunt would not
hear of his lying out of the house; so that there was a clergyman
engaged as his tutor in the family.
As it was but just turned of twelve, and the whole house was in
commotion to prepare a formal entertainment, I foresaw it would be
late before we dined, and proposed a walk to Mr Baynard, that we might
converse together freely. In the course of this perambulation, when I
expressed some surprize that he had returned so soon from Italy, he
gave me to understand, that his going abroad had not at all answered the
purpose, for which he left England; that although the expence of living
was not so great in Italy as at home, respect being had to the same rank
of life in both countries, it had been found necessary for him to lift
himself above his usual stile, that he might be on some footing with
the counts, marquises, and cavaliers, with whom he kept company--He was
obliged to hire a great number of servants, to take off a great variety
of rich cloaths, and to keep a sumptuous table for the fashionable
scorocconi of the country; who, without a consideration of this kind,
would not have payed any attention to an untitled foreigner, let his
family or fortune be ever so respectable--Besides, Mrs Baynard was
continually surrounded by a train of expensive loungers, under the
denominations of language-masters, musicians, painters, and ciceroni;
and had actually fallen into the disease of buying pictures and antiques
upon her own judgment, which was far from being infallible--At length
she met with an affront, which gave her disgust to Italy, and drove her
back to England with some precipitation. By means of frequenting the
dutchess of B[edford]'s conversazione, while her grace was at Rome, Mrs
Baynard became acquainted with all the fashionable people of that city,
and was admitted to their assemblies without scruple--Thus favoured, she
conceived too great an idea of her own importance, and when the dutchess
left Rome, resolved to have a conversazione that should leave the
Romans no room to regret her grace’s departure. She provided hands for a
musical entertainment, and sent biglietti of invitation to every person
of distinction; but not one Roman of the female sex appeared at her
assembly--She was that night seized with a violent fit, and kept her
bed three days, at the expiration of which she declared that the air of
Italy would be the ruin of her constitution. In order to prevent this
catastrophe, she was speedily removed to Geneva, from whence they
returned to England by the way of Lyons and Paris. By the time they
arrived at Calais, she had purchased such a quantity of silks, stuffs,
and laces, that it was necessary to hire a vessel to smuggle them over,
and this vessel was taken by a custom-house cutter; so that they lost
the whole cargo, which had cost them above eight hundred pounds.
It now appears, that her travels had produced no effect upon her, but
that of making her more expensive and fantastic than ever: She affected
to lead the fashion, not only in point of female dress, but in every
article of taste and connoisseurship. She made a drawing of the new
facade to the house in the country; she pulled up the trees, and pulled
down the walls of the garden, so as to let in the easterly wind, which
Mr Baynard’s ancestors had been at great pains to exclude. To shew her
taste in laying out ground, she seized into her own hand a farm of two
hundred acres, about a mile from the house, which she parcelled out into
walks and shrubberies, having a great bason in the middle, into which
she poured a whole stream that turned two mills, and afforded the best
trout in the country. The bottom of the bason, however, was so ill
secured, that it would not hold the water which strained through the
earth, and made a bog of the whole plantation: in a word, the ground
which formerly payed him one hundred and fifty pounds a year, now cost
him two hundred pounds a year to keep it in tolerable order, over and
above the first expence of trees, shrubs, flowers, turf, and gravel.
There was not an inch of garden ground left about the house, nor a tree
that produced fruit of any kind; nor did he raise a truss of hay, or a
bushel of oats for his horses, nor had he a single cow to afford milk
for his tea; far less did he ever dream of feeding his own mutton,
pigs, and poultry: every article of housekeeping, even the most
inconsiderable, was brought from the next market town, at the distance
of five miles, and thither they sent a courier every morning to fetch
hot rolls for breakfast. In short, Baynard fairly owned that he spent
double his income, and that in a few years he should be obliged to sell
his estate for the payment of his creditors. He said that his wife had
such delicate nerves, and such imbecility of spirit, that she could
neither bear remonstrance, be it ever so gentle, nor practise any scheme
of retrenchment, even if she perceived the necessity of such a measure.
He had therefore ceased struggling against the stream, and endeavoured
to reconcile himself to ruin, by reflecting that his child at least
would inherit his mother’s fortune, which was secured to him by the
contract of marriage.
The detail which he gave me of his affairs, filled me at once with grief
and indignation. I inveighed bitterly against the indiscretion of his
wife, and reproached him with his unmanly acquiescence under the absurd
tyranny which she exerted. I exhorted him to recollect his resolution,
and make one effectual effort to disengage himself from a thraldom,
equally shameful and pernicious. I offered him all the assistance in my
power. I undertook to regulate his affairs, and even to bring about a
reformation in his family, if he would only authorise me to execute the
plan I should form for his advantage. I was so affected by the subject,
that I could not help mingling tears with my remonstrances, and Baynard
was so penetrated with these marks of my affection, that he lost all
power of utterance. He pressed me to his breast with great emotion, and
wept in silence. At length he exclaimed, ‘Friendship is undoubtedly the
most precious balm of life! Your words, dear Bramble, have in a great
measure recalled me from an abyss of despondence, in which I have
been long overwhelmed. I will, upon honour, make you acquainted with
a distinct state of my affairs, and, as far as I am able to go, will
follow the course you prescribe. But there are certain lengths which my
nature--The truth is, there are tender connexions, of which a batchelor
has no idea--Shall I own my weakness? I cannot bear the thoughts of
making that woman uneasy’--‘And yet (cried I), she has seen you unhappy
for a series of years--unhappy from her misconduct, without ever shewing
the least inclination to alleviate your distress’--‘Nevertheless (said
he) I am persuaded she loves me with the most warm affection; but these
are incongruities in the composition of the human mind which I hold to
be inexplicable.’
I was shocked at his infatuation, and changed the subject, after we had
agreed to maintain a close correspondence for the future. He then gave
me to understand, that he had two neighbours, who, like himself, were
driven by their wives at full speed, in the high road to bankruptcy and
ruin. All the three husbands were of dispositions very different from
each other, and, according to this variation, their consorts were
admirably suited to the purpose of keeping them all three in subjection.
The views of the ladies were exactly the same. They vied in grandeur,
that is, in ostentation, with the wife of Sir Charles Chickwell, who had
four times their fortune; and she again piqued herself upon making an
equal figure with a neighbouring peeress, whose revenue trebled her
own. Here then was the fable of the frog and the ox, realized in four
different instances within the same county: one large fortune, and
three moderate estates, in a fair way of being burst by the inflation of
female vanity; and in three of these instances, three different forms of
female tyranny were exercised. Mr Baynard was subjugated by practising
upon the tenderness of his nature. Mr Milksan, being of a timorous
disposition, truckled to the insolence of a termagant. Mr Sowerby, who
was of a temper neither to be moved by fits, nor driven by menaces,
had the fortune to be fitted with a helpmate, who assailed him with
the weapons of irony and satire; sometimes sneering in the way of
compliment; sometimes throwing out sarcastic comparisons, implying
reproaches upon his want of taste, spirit, and generosity: by which
means she stimulated his passions from one act of extravagance to
another, just as the circumstances of her vanity required.
All these three ladies have at this time the same number of horses,
carriages, and servants in and out of livery; the same variety of dress;
the same quantity of plate and china; the like ornaments in furniture:
and in their entertainments they endeavour to exceed one another in the
variety, delicacy, and expence of their dishes. I believe it will be
found upon enquiry, that nineteen out of twenty, who are ruined by
extravagance, fall a sacrifice to the ridiculous pride and vanity of
silly women, whose parts are held in contempt by the very men whom they
pillage and enslave. Thank heaven, Dick, that among all the follies
and weaknesses of human nature, I have not yet fallen into that of
matrimony.
After Baynard and I had discussed all these matters at leisure, we
returned towards the house, and met Jery with our two women, who had
come forth to take the air, as the lady of the mansion had not yet made
her appearance. In short, Mrs Baynard did not produce herself, till
about a quarter of an hour before dinner was upon the table. Then her
husband brought her into the parlour, accompanied by her aunt and son,
and she received us with a coldness of reserve sufficient to freeze the
very soul of hospitality. Though she knew I had been the intimate friend
of her husband, and had often seen me with him in London, she shewed no
marks of recognition or regard, when I addressed myself to her in the
most friendly terms of salutation. She did not even express the common
compliment of, I am glad to see you; or, I hope you have enjoyed your
health since we had the pleasure of seeing you; or some such words of
course: nor did she once open her mouth in the way of welcome to my
sister and my niece: but sat in silence like a statue, with an aspect of
insensibility. Her aunt, the model upon which she had been formed, was
indeed the very essence of insipid formality but the boy was very pert
and impudent, and prated without ceasing.
At dinner, the lady maintained the same ungracious indifference, never
speaking but in whispers to her aunt; and as to the repast, it was made
up of a parcel of kickshaws, contrived by a French cook, without one
substantial article adapted to the satisfaction of an English appetite.
The pottage was little better than bread soaked in dishwashings,
lukewarm. The ragouts looked as if they had been once eaten and half
digested: the fricassees were involved in a nasty yellow poultice: and
the rotis were scorched and stinking, for the honour of the fumet. The
desert consisted of faded fruit and iced froth, a good emblem of our
landlady’s character; the table-beer was sour, the water foul, and the
wine vapid; but there was a parade of plate and china, and a powdered
lacquey stood behind every chair, except those of the master and
mistress of the house, who were served by two valets dressed like
gentlemen. We dined in a large old Gothic parlour, which was formerly
the hall. It was now paved with marble, and, notwithstanding the fire
which had been kindled about an hour, struck me with such a chill
sensation, that when I entered it the teeth chattered in my jaws--In
short, every thing was cold, comfortless, and disgusting, except the
looks of my friend Baynard, which declared the warmth of his affection
and humanity.
After dinner we withdrew into another apartment, where the boy began to
be impertinently troublesome to my niece Liddy. He wanted a playfellow,
forsooth; and would have romped with her, had she encouraged his
advances--He was even so impudent as to snatch a kiss, at which she
changed countenance, and seemed uneasy; and though his father checked
him for the rudeness of his behaviour, he became so outrageous as to
thrust his hand in her bosom: an insult to which she did not tamely
submit, though one of the mildest creatures upon earth. Her eyes
sparkling with resentment, she started up, and lent him such a box in
the ear, as sent him staggering to the other side of the room.
‘Miss Melford (cried his father), you have treated him with the utmost
propriety--I am only sorry that the impertinence of any child of mine
should have occasioned this exertion of your spirit, which I cannot but
applaud and admire.’ His wife was so far from assenting to the candour
of his apology, that she rose from the table, and, taking her son by the
hand, ‘Come, child (said she), your father cannot abide you.’ So
saying, she retired with this hopeful youth, and was followed by her
gouvernante: but neither the one nor the other deigned to take the least
notice of the company.
Baynard was exceedingly disconcerted; but I perceived his uneasiness was
tinctured with resentment, and derived a good omen from this discovery.
I ordered the horses to be put to the carriage, and, though he made
some efforts to detain us all night, I insisted upon leaving the house
immediately; but, before I went away, I took an opportunity of speaking
to him again in private. I said every thing I could recollect, to
animate his endeavours in shaking off those shameful trammels. I made
no scruple to declare, that his wife was unworthy of that tender
complaisance which he had shewn for her foibles: that she was dead to
all the genuine sentiments of conjugal affection; insensible of her
own honour and interest, and seemingly destitute of common sense and
reflection. I conjured him to remember what he owed to his father’s
house, to his own reputation, and to his family, including even this
unreasonable woman herself, who was driving on blindly to her own
destruction. I advised him to form a plan for retrenching superfluous
expence, and try to convince the aunt of the necessity for such
a reformation, that she might gradually prepare her niece for its
execution; and I exhorted him to turn that disagreeable piece of
formality out of the house, if he should find her averse to his
proposal.
Here he interrupted me with a sigh, observing that such a step would
undoubtedly be fatal to Mrs Baynard--‘I shall lose all patience (cried
I), to hear you talk so weakly--Mrs Baynard’s fits will never hurt her
constitution. I believe in my conscience they are all affected: I am
sure she has no feeling for your distresses; and, when you are ruined,
she will appear to have no feeling for her own.’ Finally, I took his
word and honour that he would make an effort, such as I had advised;
that he would form a plan of oeconomy, and, if he found it impracticable
without my assistance, he would come to Bath in the winter, where I
promised to give him the meeting, and contribute all in my power to the
retrieval of his affairs--With this mutual engagement we parted; and I
shall think myself supremely happy, if, by my means, a worthy man, whom
I love and esteem, can be saved from misery, disgrace, and despair.
I have only one friend more to visit in this part of the country, but he
is of a complexion very different from that of Baynard. You have heard
me mention Sir Thomas Bullford, whom I knew in Italy. He is now become
a country gentleman; but, being disabled by the gout from enjoying any
amusement abroad, he entertains himself within doors, by keeping open
house for all corners, and playing upon the oddities and humours of his
company: but he himself is generally the greatest original at his table.
He is very good-humoured, talks much, and laughs without ceasing. I am
told that all the use he makes of his understanding at present, is to
excite mirth, by exhibiting his guests in ludicrous attitudes. I know
not how far we may furnish him with entertainment of this kind, but I am
resolved to beat up his quarters, partly with a view to laugh with
the knight himself, and partly to pay my respects to his lady, a
good-natured sensible woman, with whom he lives upon very easy terms,
although she has not had the good fortune to bring him an heir to his
estate.
And now, dear Dick, I must tell you for your comfort, that you are the
only man upon earth to whom I would presume to send such a longwinded
epistle, which I could not find in my heart to curtail, because the
subject interested the warmest passions of my heart; neither will I make
any other apology to a correspondent who has been so long accustomed to
the impertinence of
MATT. BRAMBLE Sept. 30.
To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart. at Oxon.