In my two last you had so much of Lismahago, that I suppose you are
glad he is gone off the stage for the present.--I must now descend
to domestic occurrences.--Love, it seems, is resolved to assert his
dominion over all the females of our family.--After having practised
upon poor Liddy’s heart, and played strange vagaries with our aunt
Mrs Tabitha, he began to run riot in the affections of her woman, Mrs
Winifred Jenkins, whom I have had occasion to mention more than once in
the course of our memoirs. Nature intended Jenkins for something very
different from the character of her mistress; yet custom and habit have
effected a wonderful resemblance betwixt them in many particulars. Win,
to be sure, is much younger and more agreeable in her person; she is
likewise tender-hearted and benevolent, qualities for which her mistress
is by no means remarkable, no more than she is for being of a timorous
disposition, and much subject to fits of the mother, which are the
infirmities of Win’s constitution: but then she seems to have adopted
Mrs Tabby’s manner with her cast cloaths.--She dresses and endeavours
to look like her mistress, although her own looks are much more
engaging.--She enters into her scheme of oeconomy, learns her phrases,
repeats her remarks, imitates her stile in scolding the inferior
servants, and, finally, subscribes implicitly to her system of
devotion.--This, indeed, she found the more agreeable, as it was in a
great measure introduced and confirmed by the ministry of Clinker,
with whose personal merit she seems to have been struck ever since he
exhibited the pattern of his naked skin at Marlborough.
Nevertheless, though Humphry had this double hank upon her inclinations,
and exerted all his power to maintain the conquest he had made, he found
it impossible to guard it on the side of vanity, where poor Win was as
frail as any female in the kingdom. In short, my rascal Dutton professed
himself her admirer, and, by dint of his outlandish qualifications,
threw his rival Clinker out of the saddle of her heart. Humphry may be
compared to an English pudding, composed of good wholesome flour and
suet, and Dutton to a syllabub or iced froth, which, though agreeable
to the taste, has nothing solid or substantial. The traitor not only
dazzled her, with his second-hand finery, but he fawned, and flattered,
and cringed--he taught her to take rappee, and presented her with
a snuff-box of papier mache--he supplied her with a powder for her
teeth--he mended her complexion, and he dressed her hair in the Paris
fashion--he undertook to be her French master and her dancing-master,
as well as friseur, and thus imperceptibly wound himself into her good
graces. Clinker perceived the progress he had made, and repined in
secret.--He attempted to open her eyes in the way of exhortation, and
finding it produced no effect had recourse to prayer. At Newcastle,
while he attended Mrs Tabby to the methodist meeting his rival
accompanied Mrs Jenkins to the play. He was dressed in a silk coat, made
at Paris for his former master, with a tawdry waistcoat of tarnished
brocade; he wore his hair in a great bag with a huge solitaire, and a
long sword dangled from his thigh. The lady was all of a flutter with
faded lutestring, washed gauze, and ribbons three times refreshed; but
she was most remarkable for the frisure of her head, which rose, like
a pyramid, seven inches above the scalp, and her face was primed and
patched from the chin up to the eyes; nay, the gallant himself had
spared neither red nor white in improving the nature of his own
complexion. In this attire, they walked together through the high street
to the theatre, and as they passed for players ready dressed for
acting, they reached it unmolested; but as it was still light when they
returned, and by that time the people had got information of their real
character and condition, they hissed and hooted all the way, and Mrs
Jenkins was all bespattered with dirt, as well as insulted with
the opprobrious name of painted Jezabel, so that her fright and
mortification threw her into an hysteric fit the moment she came home.
Clinker was so incensed at Dutton, whom he considered as the cause of
her disgrace, that he upbraided him severely for having turned the
poor woman’s brain. The other affected to treat him with contempt, and
mistaking his forbearance for want of courage, threatened to horse-whip
him into good manners. Humphry then came to me, humbly begging I
would give him leave to chastise my servant for his insolence--‘He has
challenged me to fight him at sword’s point (said he); but I might as
well challenge him to make a horse-shoe, or a plough iron; for I know no
more of the one than he does of the other.--Besides, it doth not become
servants to use those weapons, or to claim the privilege of gentlemen
to kill one another when they fall out; moreover, I would not have
his blood upon my conscience for ten thousand times the profit or
satisfaction I should get by his death; but if your honour won’t be
angry, I’ll engage to gee ‘en a good drubbing, that, may hap, will do
‘en service, and I’ll take care it shall do ‘en no harm.’ I said, I had
no objection to what he proposed, provided he could manage matters so as
not to be found the aggressor, in case Dutton should prosecute him for
an assault and battery.
Thus licensed, he retired; and that same evening easily provoked
his rival to strike the first blow, which Clinker returned with such
interest that he was obliged to call for quarter, declaring, at the same
time, that he would exact severe and bloody satisfaction the moment we
should pass the border, when he could run him through the body without
fear of the consequence.--This scene passed in presence of lieutenant
Lismahago, who encouraged Clinker to hazard a thrust of cold iron with
his antagonist. ‘Cold iron (cried Humphry) I shall never use against
the life of any human creature; but I am so far from being afraid of
his cold iron, that I shall use nothing in my defence but a good cudgel,
which shall always be at his service.’ In the mean time, the fair
cause of this contest, Mrs Winifred Jenkins, seemed overwhelmed with
affliction, and Mr Clinker acted much on the reserve, though he did not
presume to find fault with her conduct.
The dispute between the two rivals was soon brought to a very unexpected
issue. Among our fellow-lodgers at Berwick, was a couple from London,
bound to Edinburgh, on the voyage of matrimony. The female was the
daughter and heiress of a pawnbroker deceased, who had given her
guardians the slip, and put herself under the tuition of a tall
Hibernian, who had conducted her thus far in quest of a clergyman to
unite them in marriage, without the formalities required by the law
of England. I know not how the lover had behaved on the road, so as to
decline in the favour of his inamorata; but, in all probability, Dutton
perceived a coldness on her side, which encouraged him to whisper,
it was a pity she should have cast affections upon a taylor, which he
affirmed the Irishman to be. This discovery completed her disgust, of
which my man taking the advantage, began to recommend himself to her
good graces, and the smooth-tongued rascal found no difficulty to
insinuate himself into the place of her heart, from which the other had
been discarded--Their resolution was immediately taken. In the morning,
before day, while poor Teague lay snoring a-bed, his indefatigable rival
ordered a post-chaise, and set out with the lady for Coldstream, a few
miles up the Tweed, where there was a parson who dealt in this branch of
commerce, and there they were noosed, before the Irishman ever dreamt
of the matter. But when he got up at six o’clock, and found the bird was
flown, he made such a noise as alarmed the whole house. One of the first
persons he encountered, was the postilion returned from Coldstream,
where he had been witness to the marriage, and over and above an
handsome gratuity, had received a bride’s favour, which he now wore in
his cap--When the forsaken lover understood they were actually married,
and set out for London; and that Dutton had discovered to the lady, that
he (the Hibernian) was a taylor, he had like to have run distracted. He
tore the ribbon from the fellow’s cap, and beat it about his ears.
He swore he would pursue him to the gates of hell, and ordered
a post-chaise and four to be got ready as soon as possible; but,
recollecting that his finances would not admit of this way of
travelling, he was obliged to countermand this order.
For my part, I knew nothing at all of what had happened, till the
postilion brought me the keys of my trunk and portmanteau, which he had
received from Dutton, who sent me his respects, hoping I would excuse
him for his abrupt departure, as it was a step upon which his fortune
depended. Before I had time to make my uncle acquainted with this
event, the Irishman burst into my chamber, without any introduction,
exclaiming,--‘By my soul, your sarvant has robbed me of five
thousand pounds, and I’ll have satisfaction, if I should be hanged
tomorrow.’--When I asked him who he was, ‘My name (said he) is Master
Macloughlin but it should be Leighlin Oneale, for I am come from
Tir-Owen the Great; and so I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland;
and that rogue, your sarvant, said I was a taylor, which was as big
a lie as if he had called me the pope--I’m a man of fortune, and have
spent all I had; and so being in distress, Mr Coshgrave, the fashioner
in Shuffolk-street, tuck me out, and made me his own private shecretary:
by the same token, I was the last he bailed; for his friends obliged him
to tie himself up, that he would bail no more above ten pounds; for why,
becaase as how, he could not refuse any body that asked, and therefore
in time would have robbed himself of his whole fortune, and, if he had
lived long at that rate, must have died bankrupt very soon and so I
made my addresses to Miss Skinner, a young lady of five thousand pounds
fortune, who agreed to take me for better nor worse; and, to be sure,
this day would have put me in possession, if it had not been for that
rogue, your sarvant, who came like a tief, and stole away my property,
and made her believe I was a taylor; and that she was going to marry the
ninth part of a man: but the devil burn my soul, if ever I catch him on
the mountains of Tulloghobegly, if I don’t shew him that I’m nine times
as good a man as he, or e’er a bug of his country.’
When he had rung out his first alarm, I told him I was sorry he had
allowed himself to be so jockied; but it was no business of mine; and
that the fellow who robbed him of his bride, had likewise robbed me of
my servant--‘Didn’t I tell you then (cried he) that Rogue was his true
Christian name.--Oh if I had but one fair trust with him upon the sod,
I’d give him lave to brag all the rest of his life.’
My uncle hearing the noise, came in, and being informed of this
adventure, began to comfort Mr Oneale for the lady’s elopement;
observing that he seemed to have had a lucky escape, that it was better
she should elope before, than after marriage--The Hibernian was of a
very different opinion. He said, ‘If he had been once married, she might
have eloped as soon as she pleased; he would have taken care that she
should not have carried her fortune along with her--Ah (said he) she’s
a Judas Iscariot, and has betrayed me with a kiss; and, like Judas, she
carried the bag, and has not left me money enough to bear my expences
back to London; and so I’m come to this pass, and the rogue that was
the occasion of it has left you without a sarvant, you may put me in his
place; and by Jasus, it is the best thing you can do.’--I begged to be
excused, declaring I could put up with any inconvenience, rather than
treat as a footman the descendant of Tir-Owen the Great. I advised
him to return to his friend, Mr Cosgrave, and take his passage from
Newcastle by sea, towards which I made him a small present, and he
retired, seemingly resigned to his evil fortune. I have taken upon trial
a Scotchman, called Archy M’Alpin, an old soldier, whose last master, a
colonel, lately died at Berwick. The fellow is old and withered; but he
has been recommended to me for his fidelity, by Mrs Humphreys, a very
good sort of a woman, who keeps the inn at Tweedmouth, and is much
respected by all the travellers on this road.
Clinker, without doubt, thinks himself happy in the removal of a
dangerous rival, and he is too good a Christian, to repine at Dutton’s
success. Even Mrs Jenkins will have reason to congratulate herself upon
this event, when she cooly reflects upon the matter; for, howsoever she
was forced from her poise for a season, by snares laid for her vanity,
Humphry is certainly the north-star to which the needle of her affection
would have pointed at the long run. At present, the same vanity is
exceedingly mortified, upon finding herself abandoned by her new
admirer, in favour of another inamorata. She received the news with a
violent burst of laughter, which soon brought on a fit of crying; and
this gave the finishing blow to the patience of her mistress, which had
held out beyond all expectation. She now opened all those floodgates of
reprehension, which had been shut so long. She not only reproached
her with her levity and indiscretion, but attacked her on the score
of religion, declaring roundly that she was in a state of apostacy
and reprobation; and finally, threatened to send her a packing at this
extremity of the kingdom. All the family interceded for poor Winifred,
not even excepting her slighted swain, Mr Clinker, who, on his knees,
implored and obtained her pardon.
There was, however, another consideration that gave Mrs Tabitha some
disturbance. At Newcastle, the servants had been informed by some
wag, that there was nothing to eat in Scotland, but oat-meal and
sheep’s-heads; and lieutenant Lismahago being consulted, what he said
served rather to confirm than to refute the report. Our aunt being
apprised of this circumstance, very gravely advised her brother to
provide a sumpter horse with store of hams, tongues, bread, biscuit, and
other articles for our subsistence, in the course of our peregrination,
and Mr Bramble as gravely replied, that he would take the hint into
consideration: but, finding no such provision was made, she now revived
the proposal, observing that there was a tolerable market at Berwick,
where we might be supplied; and that my man’s horse would serve as a
beast of burthen--The ‘squire, shrugging his shoulders, eyed her askance
with a look of ineffable contempt: and, after some pause, ‘Sister (said
he), I can hardly persuade myself you are serious.’ She was so little
acquainted with the geography of the island, that she imagined we could
not go to Scotland but by sea; and, after we had passed through the town
of Berwick, when he told her we were upon Scottish ground, she could
hardly believe the assertion--If the truth must be told, the South
Britons in general are woefully ignorant in this particular. What,
between want of curiosity, and traditional sarcasms, the effect of
ancient animosity, the people at the other end of the island know as
little of Scotland as of Japan.
If I had never been in Wales, I should have been more struck with the
manifest difference in appearance betwixt the peasants and commonalty
on different sides of the Tweed. The boors of Northumberland are
lusty fellows, fresh complexioned, cleanly, and well cloathed; but the
labourers in Scotland are generally lank, lean, hard-featured, sallow,
soiled, and shabby, and their little pinched blue caps have a beggarly
effect. The cattle are much in the same stile with their drivers,
meagre, stunted, and ill equipt. When I talked to my uncle on this
subject, he said, ‘Though all the Scottish hinds would not bear to be
compared with those of the rich counties of South Britain, they would
stand very well in competition with the peasants of France, Italy, and
Savoy--not to mention the mountaineers of Wales, and the red-shanks of
Ireland.’
We entered Scotland by a frightful moor of sixteen miles, which promises
very little for the interior parts of the kingdom; but the prospect
mended as we advanced. Passing through Dunbar, which is a neat little
town, situated on the sea-side, we lay at a country inn, where our
entertainment far exceeded our expectation; but for this we cannot give
the Scots credit, as the landlord is a native of England. Yesterday we
dined at Haddington, which has been a place of some consideration, but
is now gone to decay; and in the evening arrived at this metropolis, of
which I can say very little. It is very romantic, from its situation
on the declivity of a hill, having a fortified castle at the top, and a
royal palace at the bottom. The first thing that strikes the nose of
a stranger, shall be nameless; but what first strikes the eye, is the
unconscionable height of the houses, which generally rise to five, six,
seven, and eight stories, and, in some places (as I am assured),
to twelve. This manner of building, attended with numberless
inconveniences, must have been originally owing to want of room. Certain
it is, the town seems to be full of people: but their looks, their
language, and their customs, are so different from ours, that I can
hardly believe myself in Great-Britain.
The inn at which we put up (if it may be so called) was so filthy and
disagreeable in all respects, that my uncle began to fret, and his
gouty symptoms to recur--Recollecting, however, that he had a letter
of recommendation to one Mr Mitchelson, a lawyer, he sent it by his
servant, with a compliment, importing that we would wait upon him next
day in person; but that gentleman visited us immediately, and insisted
upon our going to his own house, until he could provide lodgings for our
accommodation. We gladly accepted, of his invitation, and repaired to
his house, where we were treated with equal elegance and hospitality, to
the utter confusion of our aunt, whose prejudices, though beginning to
give way, were not yet entirely removed. To-day, by the assistance
of our friend, we are settled in convenient lodgings, up four pair
of stairs, in the High-street, the fourth story being, in this city,
reckoned more genteel than the first. The air is, in all probability,
the better; but it requires good lungs to breathe it at this distance
above the surface of the earth.--While I do remain above it, whether
higher or lower, provided I breathe at all,