There is something on my spirits, which I should not venture to
communicate by the post, but having the opportunity of Mrs Brentwood’s
return, I seize it eagerly, to disburthen my poor heart, which is
oppressed with fear and vexation.--O Letty! what a miserable situation
it is, to be without a friend to whom one can apply for counsel and
consolation in distress! I hinted in my last, that one Mr Barton had
been very particular in his civilities: I can no longer mistake his
meaning--he has formally professed himself my admirer; and, after
a thousand assiduities, perceiving I made but a cold return to his
addresses, he had recourse to the mediation of lady Griskin, who has
acted the part of a very warm advocate in his behalf:--but, my dear
Willis, her ladyship over acts her part--she not only expatiates on the
ample fortune, the great connexions, and the unblemished character of
Mr Barton, but she takes the trouble to catechise me; and, two days ago,
peremptorily told me, that a girl of my age could not possibly resist so
many considerations, if her heart was not pre-engaged.
This insinuation threw me into such a flutter, that she could not but
observe my disorder; and, presuming upon the discovery, insisted upon
my making her the confidante of my passion. But, although I had not such
command of myself as to conceal the emotion of my heart, I am not such a
child as to disclose its secret to a person who would certainly use
them to its prejudice. I told her, it was no wonder if I was out of
countenance at her introducing a subject of conversation so unsuitable
to my years and inexperience; that I believed Mr Barton was a very
worthy gentleman, and I was much obliged to him for his good opinion;
but the affections were involuntary, and mine, in particular, had as
yet made no concessions in his favour. She shook her head with an air of
distrust that made me tremble; and observed, that if my affections were
free, they would submit to the decision of prudence, especially when
enforced by the authority of those who had a right to direct my conduct.
This remark implied a design to interest my uncle or my aunt, perhaps my
brother, in behalf of Mr Barton’s passion; and I am sadly afraid that
my aunt is already gained over. Yesterday in the forenoon, he had been
walking with us in the Park, and stopping in our return at a toy-shop,
he presented her with a very fine snuff-box, and me with a gold etuis,
which I resolutely refused, till she commanded me to accept it on pain
of her displeasure: nevertheless, being still unsatisfied with respect
to the propriety of receiving this toy, I signified my doubts to my
brother, who said he would consult my uncle on the subject, and seemed
to think Mr Barton had been rather premature in his presents.
What will be the result of this consultation, Heaven knows; but I am
afraid it will produce an explanation with Mr Barton, who will, no
doubt, avow his passion, and solicit their consent to a connexion which
my soul abhors; for, my dearest Letty, it is not in my power to love Mr
Barton, even if my heart was untouched by any other tenderness. Not that
there is any thing disagreeable about his person, but there is a total
want of that nameless charm which captivates and controuls the inchanted
spirit at least, he appears to me to have this defect; but if he had
all the engaging qualifications which a man can possess, they would be
excited in vain against that constancy, which, I flatter myself, is the
characteristic of my nature. No, my dear Willis, I may be involved in
fresh troubles, and I believe I shall, from the importunities of this
gentleman and the violence of my relations; but my heart is incapable of
change.
You know I put no faith in dreams; and yet I have been much disturbed
by one that visited me last night.--I thought I was in a church, where
a certain person, whom you know, was on the point of being married to my
aunt; that the clergyman was Mr Barton, and that poor forlorn I, stood
weeping in a corner, half naked, and without shoes or stockings.--Now,
I know there is nothing so childish as to be moved by those vain
illusions; but, nevertheless, in spite of all my reason, this hath
made a strong impression upon my mind, which begins to be very gloomy.
Indeed, I have another more substantial cause of affliction--I have some
religious scruples, my dear friend, which lie heavy on my conscience.--I
was persuaded to go to the Tabernacle, where I heard a discourse that
affected me deeply.--I have prayed fervently to be enlightened, but
as yet I am not sensible of these inward motions, those operations of
grace, which are the signs of a regenerated spirit; and therefore I
begin to be in terrible apprehensions about the state of my poor soul.
Some of our family have had very uncommon accessions, particularly
my aunt and Mrs Jenkins, who sometimes speak as if they were really
inspired; so that I am not like to want for either exhortation or
example, to purify my thoughts, and recall them from the vanities of
this world, which, indeed, I would willingly resign, if it was in my
power; but to make this sacrifice, I must be enabled by such assistance
from above as hath not yet been indulged to
Your unfortunate friend, LYDIA MELFORD June 10.
To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.