You have, indeed, reason to be surprised, that I should have concealed
my correspondence with miss Blackerby from you, to whom I disclosed all
my other connexions of that nature; but the truth is, I never dreamed
of any such commerce, till your last informed me, that it had produced
something which could not be much longer concealed. It is a lucky
circumstance, however, that her reputation will not suffer any
detriment, but rather derive advantage from the discovery; which
will prove, at least, that it is not quite so rotten as most people
imagined--For my own part, I declare to you, in all the sincerity of
friendship, that, far from having any amorous intercourse with the
object in question, I never had the least acquaintance with her person;
but, if she is really in the condition you describe, I suspect Mansel to
be at the bottom of the whole. His visits to that shrine were no secret;
and this attachment, added to some good offices, which you know he has
done me, since I left Alma-mater, give me a right to believe him capable
of saddling me with this scandal, when my back was turned--Nevertheless,
if my name can be of any service to him, he is welcome to make use of
it; and if the woman should be abandoned enough to swear his banding to
me, I must beg the favour of you to compound with the parish: I shall
pay the penalty without repining; and you will be so good as to draw
upon me immediately for the sum required--On this occasion, I act by the
advice of my uncle; who says I shall have good-luck if I pass through
life without being obliged to make many more compositions of the same
kind. The old gentleman told me last night, with great good-humour, that
betwixt the age of twenty and forty, he had been obliged to provide for
nine bastards, sworn to him by women whom he never saw--Mr Bramble’s
character, which seems to interest you greatly, opens and improves upon
me every day. His singularities afford a rich mine of entertainment;
his understanding, so far as I can judge, is well cultivated; his
observations on life are equally just, pertinent, and uncommon. He
affects misanthropy, in order to conceal the sensibility of a heart,
which is tender, even to a degree of weakness. This delicacy of feeling,
or soreness of the mind, makes him timorous and fearful; but then he
is afraid of nothing so much as of dishonour; and although he is
exceedingly cautious of giving offence, he will fire at the least hint
of insolence or ill-breeding.--Respectable as he is, upon the whole,
I can’t help being sometimes diverted by his little distresses; which
provoke him to let fly the shafts of his satire, keen and penetrating
as the arrows of Teucer--Our aunt, Tabitha, acts upon him as a perpetual
grind-stone--She is, in all respects, a striking contrast to her
brother--But I reserve her portrait for another occasion.
Three days ago we came hither from the Hot Well, and took possession
of the first floor of a lodging-house, on the South Parade; a situation
which my uncle chose, for its being near the Bath, and remote from the
noise of carriages. He was scarce warm in the lodgings when he called
for his night-cap, his wide shoes, and flannel; and declared himself
invested with the gout in his right foot; though, I believe it had as
yet reached no farther than his imagination. It was not long before he
had reason to repent his premature declaration; for our aunt Tabitha
found means to make such a clamour and confusion, before the flannels
could be produced from the trunk, that one would have imagined the house
was on fire. All this time, uncle sat boiling with impatience, biting
his fingers, throwing up his eyes, and muttering ejaculations; at length
he burst into a kind of convulsive laugh, after which he hummed a song;
and when the hurricane was over, exclaimed ‘Blessed be God for all
things!’ This, however, was but the beginning of his troubles. Mrs
Tabitha’s favourite dog Chowder, having paid his compliments to a female
turnspit of his own species, in the kitchen, involved himself in a
quarrel with no fewer than five rivals, who set upon him at once, and
drove him up stairs to the dining room door, with hideous noise: there
our aunt and her woman, taking arms in his defence, joined the
concert; which became truly diabolical. This fray being with difficulty
suppressed, by the intervention of our own footman and the cook-maid
of the house, the squire had just opened his mouth, to expostulate with
Tabby, when the town-waits, in the passage below, struck up their music
(if music it may be called) with such a sudden burst of sound, as made
him start and stare, with marks of indignation and disquiet. He had
recollection enough to send his servant with some money to silence those
noisy intruders; and they were immediately dismissed, though not without
some opposition on the part of Tabitha, who thought it but reasonable
that he should have more music for his money. Scarce had he settled this
knotty point, when a strange kind of thumping and bouncing was heard
right over-head, in the second story, so loud and violent, as to shake
the whole building. I own I was exceedingly provoked at this new alarm;
and before my uncle had time to express himself on the subject, I ran
up stairs, to see what was the matter. Finding the room-door open, I
entered without ceremony, and perceived an object, which I can not now
recollect without laughing to excess--It was a dancing master, with his
scholar, in the act of teaching. The master was blind of one eye, and
lame of one foot, and led about the room his pupil; who seemed to be
about the age of threescore, stooped mortally, was tall, raw-boned,
hard-favoured, with a woollen night-cap on his head; and he had stript
off his coat, that he might be more nimble in his motions--Finding
himself intruded upon, by a person he did not know, he forthwith girded
himself with a long iron sword, and advancing to me, with a peremptory
air, pronounced, in a true Hibernian accent, ‘Mister What d’ye callum,
by my saoul and conscience, I am very glad to sea you, if you are after
coming in the way of friendship; and indeed, and indeed now, I believe
you are my friend sure enough, gra; though I never had the honour to sea
your face before, my dear; for becaase you come like a friend, without
any ceremony at all, at all’--I told him the nature of my visit would
not admit of ceremony; that I was come to desire he would make less
noise, as there was a sick gentleman below, whom he had no right
to disturb with such preposterous doings. ‘Why, look-ye now, young
gentleman (replied this original) perhaps, upon another occasion, I
might shivilly request you to explain the maining of that hard word,
prepasterous: but there’s a time for all things, honey’--So saying,
he passed me with great agility, and, running down stairs, found our
foot-man at the dining-room door, of whom he demanded admittance, to
pay his respects to the stranger. As the fellow did not think proper
to refuse the request of such a formidable figure, he was immediately
introduced, and addressed himself to my uncle in these words: ‘Your
humble servant, good sir,--I’m not so prepasterous, as your son calls
it, but I know the rules of shivility--I’m a poor knight of Ireland,
my name is sir Ulic Mackilligut, of the county of Galway; being your
fellow-lodger, I’m come to pay my respects, and to welcome you to the
South Parade, and to offer my best services to you, and your good lady,
and your pretty daughter; and even to the young gentleman your son,
though he thinks me a prepasterous fellow--You must know I am to have
the honour to open a ball next door to-morrow with lady Mac Manus; and
being rusted in my dancing, I was refreshing my memory with a little
exercise; but if I had known there was a sick person below, by Christ!
I would have sooner danced a hornpipe upon my own head, than walk the
softest minuet over yours.’--My uncle, who was not a little startled at
his first appearance, received his compliment with great complacency,
insisted upon his being seated, thanked him for the honour of his visit,
and reprimanded me for my abrupt expostulation with a gentleman of his
rank and character. Thus tutored, I asked pardon of the knight, who,
forthwith starting up, embraced me so close, that I could hardly
breathe; and assured me, he loved me as his own soul. At length,
recollecting his night-cap, he pulled it off in some confusion; and,
with his bald-pate uncovered, made a thousand apologies to the ladies,
as he retired--At that instant, the Abbey bells, began to ring so
loud, that we could not hear one another speak; and this peal, as
we afterwards learned, was for the honour of Mr Bullock, an eminent
cowkeeper of Tottenham, who had just arrived at Bath, to drink the
waters for indigestion. Mr Bramble had not time to make his remarks upon
the agreeable nature of this serenade, before his ears were saluted with
another concert that interested him more nearly. Two negroes, belonging
to a Creole gentleman, who lodged in the same house, taking their
station at a window in the stair-case, about ten feet from our
dining-room door, began to practise upon the French-horn; and being in
the very first rudiments of execution, produced such discordant sounds,
as might have discomposed the organs of an ass. You may guess what
effect they had upon the irritable nerves of uncle; who, with the most
admirable expression of splenetic surprize in his countenance, sent
his man to silence these dreadful blasts, and desire the musicians to
practise in some other place, as they had no right to stand there and
disturb all the lodgers in the house. Those sable performers, far from
taking the hint, and withdrawing, treated the messenger with great
insolence; bidding him carry his compliments to their master, colonel
Rigworm, who would give him a proper answer, and a good drubbing into
the bargain; in the mean time they continued their noise, and even
endeavoured to make it more disagreeable; laughing between whiles, at
the thoughts of being able to torment their betters with impunity. Our
‘squire, incensed at the additional insult, immediately dispatched the
servant, with his compliments to colonel Rigworm, requesting that
he would order his blacks to be quiet, as the noise they made was
altogether intolerable--To this message, the Creole colonel replied,
that his horns had a right to sound on a common staircase; that there
they should play for his diversion; and that those who did not like the
noise, might look for lodgings elsewhere. Mr Bramble no sooner received
this reply, than his eyes began to glisten, his face grew pale, and his
teeth chattered. After a moment’s pause, he slipt on his shoes, without
speaking a word, or seeming to feel any further disturbance from the
gout in his toes. Then snatching his cane, he opened the door and
proceeded to the place where the black trumpeters were posted. There,
without further hesitation, he began to belabour them both; and exerted
himself with such astonishing vigour and agility, that both their heads
and horns were broken in a twinkling, and they ran howling down stairs
to their master’s parlour-door. The squire, following them half way,
called aloud, that the colonel might hear him, ‘Go, rascals, and tell
your master what I have done; if he thinks himself injured, he knows
where to come for satisfaction. As for you, this is but an earnest of
what you shall receive, if ever you presume to blow a horn again here,
while I stay in the house.’ So saying, he retired to his apartment, in
expectation of hearing from the West Indian; but the colonel prudently
declined any farther prosecution of the dispute. My sister Liddy was
frighted into a fit, from which she was no sooner recovered, than Mrs
Tabitha began a lecture upon patience; which her brother interrupted
with a most significant grin, ‘True, sister, God increase my patience
and your discretion. I wonder (added he) what sort of sonata we are to
expect from this overture, in which the devil, that presides over horrid
sounds, hath given us such variations of discord--The trampling of
porters, the creaking and crashing of trunks, the snarling of curs, the
scolding of women, the squeaking and squalling of fiddles and hautboys
out of tune, the bouncing of the Irish baronet over-head, and the
bursting, belching, and brattling of the French-horns in the passage
(not to mention the harmonious peal that still thunders from the Abbey
steeple) succeeding one another without interruption, like the different
parts of the same concert, have given me such an idea of what a poor
invalid has to expect in this temple, dedicated to Silence and Repose,
that I shall certainly shift my quarters to-morrow, and endeavour to
effectuate my retreat before Sir Ulic opens the ball with my lady Mac
Manus; a conjunction that bodes me no good.’ This intimation was by no
means agreeable to Mrs Tabitha, whose ears were not quite so delicate as
those of her brother--She said it would be great folly to move from
such agreeable lodgings, the moment they were comfortably settled. She
wondered he should be such an enemy to music and mirth. She heard no
noise but of his own making: it was impossible to manage a family in
dumb-shew. He might harp as long as he pleased upon her scolding; but
she never scolded, except for his advantage; but he would never be
satisfied, even tho’f she should sweat blood and water in his service--I
have a great notion that our aunt, who is now declining into the most
desperate state of celibacy, had formed some design upon the heart of
Sir Ulic Mackilligut, which she feared might be frustrated by our abrupt
departure from these lodgings. Her brother, eyeing her askance, ‘Pardon
me, sister (said he) I should be a savage, indeed, were I insensible of
my own felicity, in having such a mild, complaisant, good-humoured, and
considerate companion and housekeeper; but as I have got a weak head,
and my sense of hearing is painfully acute, before I have recourse to
plugs of wool and cotton, I’ll try whether I can’t find another lodging,
where I shall have more quiet and less music.’ He accordingly dispatched
his man upon this service; and next day he found a small house in
Milsham-street, which he hires by the week. Here, at least, we enjoy
convenience and quiet within doors, as much as Tabby’s temper will
allow; but the squire still complains of flying pains in the stomach
and head, for which he bathes and drinks the waters. He is not so bad,
however, but that he goes in person to the pump, the rooms, and the
coffeehouses; where he picks up continual food for ridicule and satire.
If I can glean any thing for your amusement, either from his observation
or my own, you shall have it freely, though I am afraid it will poorly
compensate the trouble of reading these tedious insipid letters of,