I give Mansel credit for his invention, in propagating the report that I
had a quarrel with a mountebank’s merry Andrew at Gloucester: but I have
too much respect for every appendage of wit, to quarrel even with the
lowest buffoonery; and therefore I hope Mansel and I shall always be
good friends. I cannot, however, approve of his drowning my poor
dog Ponto, on purpose to convert Ovid’s pleonasm into a punning
epitaph,--deerant quoque Littora Ponto: for, that he threw him into the
Isis, when it was so high and impetuous, with no other view than to kill
the fleas, is an excuse that will not hold water--But I leave poor Ponto
to his fate, and hope Providence will take care to accommodate Mansel
with a drier death.
As there is nothing that can be called company at the Well, I am here
in a state of absolute rustication: This, however, gives me leisure to
observe the singularities in my uncle’s character, which seems to have
interested your curiosity. The truth is, his disposition and mine,
which, like oil and vinegar, repelled one another at first, have now
begun to mix by dint of being beat up together. I was once apt to
believe him a complete Cynic; and that nothing but the necessity of his
occasions could compel him to get within the pale of society--I am now
of another opinion. I think his peevishness arises partly from bodily
pain, and partly from a natural excess of mental sensibility; for, I
suppose, the mind as well as the body, is in some cases endued with a
morbid excess of sensation.
I was t’other day much diverted with a conversation that passed in the
Pump-room, betwixt him and the famous Dr L--n, who is come to ply at the
Well for patients. My uncle was complaining of the stink, occasioned
by the vast quantity of mud and slime which the river leaves at low ebb
under the windows of the Pumproom. He observed, that the exhalations
arising from such a nuisance, could not but be prejudicial to the weak
lungs of many consumptive patients, who came to drink the water. The
Doctor overhearing this remark, made up to him, and assured him he was
mistaken. He said, people in general were so misled by vulgar prejudices
that philosophy was hardly sufficient to undeceive them. Then humming
thrice, he assumed a most ridiculous solemnity of aspect, and entered
into a learned investigation of the nature of stink. He observed,
that stink, or stench, meant no more than a strong impression on
the olfactory nerves; and might be applied to substances of the most
opposite qualities; that in the Dutch language, stinken signifies the
most agreeable perfume, as well as the most fetid odour, as appears in
Van Vloudel’s translation of Horace, in that beautiful ode, Quis multa
gracilis, &c.--The words fiquidis perfusus odoribus, he translates van
civet & moschata gestinken: that individuals differed toto coelo in
their opinion of smells, which, indeed, was altogether as arbitrary
as the opinion of beauty; that the French were pleased with the putrid
effluvia of animal food; and so were the Hottentots in Africa, and the
Savages in Greenland; and that the Negroes on the coast of Senegal would
not touch fish till it was rotten; strong presumptions in favour of what
is generally called stink, as those nations are in a state of nature,
undebauched by luxury, unseduced by whim and caprice: that he had reason
to believe the stercoraceous flavour, condemned by prejudice as a stink,
was, in fact, most agreeable to the organs of smelling; for, that every
person who pretended to nauseate the smell of another’s excretions,
snuffed up his own with particular complacency; for the truth of which
he appealed to all the ladies and gentlemen then present: he said, the
inhabitants of Madrid and Edinburgh found particular satisfaction
in breathing their own atmosphere, which was always impregnated with
stercoraceous effluvia: that the learned Dr B--, in his treatise on the
Four Digestions, explains in what manner the volatile effluvia from the
intestines stimulate and promote the operations of the animal economy:
he affirmed, the last Grand Duke of Tuscany, of the Medicis family,
who refined upon sensuality with the spirit of a philosopher, was so
delighted with that odour, that he caused the essence of ordure to be
extracted, and used it as the most delicious perfume: that he himself
(the doctor) when he happened to be low-spirited, or fatigued with
business, found immediate relief and uncommon satisfaction from hanging
over the stale contents of a close-stool, while his servant stirred it
about under his nose; nor was this effect to be wondered at, when we
consider that this substance abounds with the self-same volatile salts
that are so greedily smelled to by the most delicate invalids, after
they have been extracted and sublimed by the chemists.--By this time the
company began to hold their noses; but the doctor, without taking
the least notice of this signal, proceeded to shew, that many fetid
substances were not only agreeable but salutary; such as assa foetida,
and other medicinal gums, resins, roots, and vegetables, over and above
burnt feathers, tan-pits, candle-snuffs, &c. In short, he used many
learned arguments to persuade his audience out of their senses; and from
stench made a transition to filth, which he affirmed was also a mistaken
idea, in as much as objects so called, were no other than certain
modifications of matter, consisting of the same principles that enter
into the composition of all created essences, whatever they may be: that
in the filthiest production of nature, a philosopher considered nothing
but the earth, water, salt and air, of which it was compounded; that,
for his own part, he had no more objections to drinking the dirtiest
ditch-water, than he had to a glass of water from the Hot Well, provided
he was assured there was nothing poisonous in the concrete. Then
addressing himself to my uncle, ‘Sir (said he) you seem to be of a
dropsical habit, and probably will soon have a confirmed ascites: if
I should be present when you are tapped, I will give you a convincing
proof of what I assert, by drinking without hesitation the water
that comes out of your abdomen.’--The ladies made wry faces at this
declaration, and my uncle, changing colour, told him he did not desire
any such proof of his philosophy: ‘But I should be glad to know (said
he) what makes you think I am of a dropsical habit?’ ‘Sir, I beg pardon
(replied the Doctor) I perceive your ancles are swelled, and you seem to
have the facies leucophlegmatica. Perhaps, indeed, your disorder may
be oedematous, or gouty, or it may be the lues venerea: If you have any
reason to flatter yourself it is this last, sir, I will undertake
to cure you with three small pills, even if the disease should have
attained its utmost inveteracy. Sir, it is an arcanum, which I have
discovered, and prepared with infinite labour.--Sir, I have lately cured
a woman in Bristol--a common prostitute, sir, who had got all the worst
symptoms of the disorder; such as nodi, tophi, and gummata, verruca,
cristoe Galli, and a serpiginous eruption, or rather a pocky itch
all over her body. By the time she had taken the second pill, sir, by
Heaven! she was as smooth as my hand, and the third made her sound and
as fresh as a new born infant.’ ‘Sir (cried my uncle peevishly) I have
no reason to flatter myself that my disorder comes within the efficacy
of your nostrum. But this patient you talk of may not be so sound at
bottom as you imagine.’ ‘I can’t possibly be mistaken (rejoined the
philosopher) for I have had communication with her three times--I always
ascertain my cures in that manner.’ At this remark, all the ladies
retired to another corner of the room, and some of them began to
spit.--As to my uncle, though he was ruffled at first by the doctor’s
saying he was dropsical, he could not help smiling at this ridiculous
confession and, I suppose, with a view to punish this original, told
him there was a wart upon his nose, that looked a little suspicious. ‘I
don’t pretend to be a judge of those matters (said he) but I understand
that warts are often produced by the distemper; and that one upon your
nose seems to have taken possession of the very keystone of the
bridge, which I hope is in no danger of falling.’ L--n seemed a little
confounded at this remark, and assured him it was nothing but a common
excrescence of the cuticula, but that the bones were all sound below;
for the truth of this assertion he appealed to the touch, desiring he
would feel the part. My uncle said it was a matter of such delicacy to
meddle with a gentleman’s nose, that he declined the office--upon which,
the Doctor turning to me, intreated me to do him that favour. I complied
with his request, and handled it so roughly, that he sneezed, and the
tears ran down his cheeks, to the no small entertainment of the company,
and particularly of my uncle, who burst out a-laughing for the first
time since I have been with him; and took notice, that the part seemed
to be very tender. ‘Sir (cried the Doctor) it is naturally a tender
part; but to remove all possibility of doubt, I will take off the wart
this very night.’
So saying, he bowed, with great solemnity all round, and retired to his
own lodgings, where he applied a caustic to the wart; but it spread in
such a manner as to produce a considerable inflammation, attended with
an enormous swelling; so that when he next appeared, his whole face was
overshadowed by this tremendous nozzle; and the rueful eagerness with
which he explained this unlucky accident, was ludicrous beyond all
description.--I was much pleased with meeting the original of a
character, which you and I have often laughed at in description; and
what surprises me very much, I find the features in the picture, which
has been drawn for him, rather softened than over-charged.
As I have something else to say; and this letter has run to an
unconscionable length, I shall now give you a little respite, and
trouble you again by the very first post. I wish you would take it in
your head to retaliate these double strokes upon