_Costumes._
FRANK. _First Dress_--Travelling suit. _Second_--Old lady's hood, silk
gown, shawl, spectacles, and stick. _Third_--Same as first.
SIMON. _First Dress_--Half livery. _Second_--Velvet cap and silk
dressing gown.
ADELAIDE. _First Dress_--Travelling dress. _Second_--Silk bonnet,
veil, spectacles, shawl, and stick.
_Time in Representation_--40 _Minutes._
"WANTED, A YOUNG LADY"--
SCENE.--_Interior of an old Country Mansion; door, C.; door, R.; door
L.; easy chairs; couch, L.; fire-place, R.; clock, C.; chairs, &c.;
table, R., on it a lighted lamp; closet at back, L._
SIMON. (_entering, door C._) Yes, yes, godfather, make your mind easy,
you may sleep quietly on both sides of your face. (_advancing_) That's
a saying in our parts; but I have tried it, and I couldn't do it.
(_looking at clock_) Seven o'clock! what a litter this room is in.
(_placing chairs, &c._) And look here. (_indicating clothes scattered
over an easy chair_) What's all this? Oh, old master's morning gown.
(_places it in the closet_) I have an idea that this place of mine
suits me very well. I am boarded and lodged and washed, eight pounds a
year, and the key of the cellar. I fancy I shall soon get my nose red
in this house. (_sits_) This here easy chair is uncommon comfortable.
FRANK. (_entering, C. door, a portmanteau in his hand_) I don't see a
soul about. (_seeing SIMON_) Eh! halloa, my friend! (_shaking him_)
What are you doing there?
SIMON. (_all aback_) Me, sir! I--I'm a doing my work.
FRANK. Doing what?
SIMON. (_rising_) What do you please to want?
FRANK. I wish to see Mr. or Mrs. Mitchell.
SIMON. Oh! either of them would do, then?
FRANK. (L. C.) Yes.
SIMON. (R. C.) That's lucky, for they are both gone out.
FRANK. Out! then I will await their return.
SIMON. I don't think you will, sir.
FRANK. How do you mean?
SIMON. Why, when master and missus went away this morning, they said
they were going on a visit, and should be away nine or ten days--and
the same number of nights too, no doubt.
FRANK. (_aside_) Pleasant information! all this distance from London,
and not a shilling in my pocket. (_to SIMON_) Are you alone here?
SIMON. Yes, I'm quite alone in the house, except my godfather, who
lives at the bottom of the garden.
FRANK. The surly old brute I met in the park?
SIMON. Yes, that's godfather.
FRANK. Agreeable society! Well, I must teach myself resignation.
(_offering portmanteau_) Go and prepare a chamber for me.
SIMON. You are labouring under a mistake, sir; the Golden Lion is on
the other side of----
FRANK. Ah, true! you do not know me. I am Fra----(_checking himself_)
No, I mean Harry Mitchell, your master's grandson.
SIMON. Really! well, how lucky! I have a letter for your brother.
FRANK. For my brother Frank?
SIMON. Yes, here it is. (_drawing a letter from his pocket_) I have
been ordered to post it.
FRANK. (_aside_) I know what are its contents--the old story--you are
a good-for-nothing fellow, and I shall not give you a sixpence.
(_aloud, taking letter and putting it into his pocket_) All right, I
will take care he has it.
SIMON. And so you are Master Harry, eh? You are the favourite, you
are.
FRANK. How did you learn that?
SIMON. Godfather has made me acquainted with all the family matters,
for I am quite fresh, I am.
FRANK. You are quite fresh! what do you mean?
SIMON. I mean I was quite new this morning. Godfather brought me here
and showed me to your grandmother just as she was stepping into the
old family coach; she had only just time to say, "Oh! this is the
stupid animal you have told me about." You see, she is so old that she
doesn't always know what she is talking about.
FRANK. I think, though, her faculties were pretty clear this morning.
But, as you say, she is rather old--eighty-two. Considerably wrinkled,
I should think.
SIMON. Her face is just like a little apple that has been dried in the
sun.
FRANK. And my grandfather?
SIMON. He is like a little pear that has been baked in an oven.
FRANK. I am certain I should not recognize them; they must be very
dull here, all by themselves.
SIMON. Godfather says that they sometimes yawn till they get a
lock-jaw; that's why they have just advertised in the papers for
somebody to read to them.
FRANK. Read to them!
SIMON. Yes, a young lady.
FRANK. (_quickly_) Ah, there is a young lady here?
SIMON. No, sir, she hasn't come yet.
FRANK. What a pity!
SIMON. And they won't want a young lady now they have engaged me.
FRANK. (_laughing_) But you are not a young lady.