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A
DIALOGUE
BETWEEN
Dean _Swift_ and _Tho. Prior_, Esq;
IN THE
Isles of St. _Patrick's_ Church, _Dublin_,
On that memorable Day, _October_ 9th, 1753.
_By a Friend to the Peace and Prosperity of_ IRELAND.
_Quae Gratia Curram
Armorumque fuit vivis, quae Cura nitentes
Pascere Equos, eadem sequitur Tellure repostos._
VIRG. AEN. VI.
_DUBLIN_:
Printed for G. and A. EWING, at the _Angel_ and _Bible_
in _Dame-Street_, 1753.
Transcribers Note. Inconsistent spelling has been retained as in the
original text.
ERRATA
_Page_ 7. _Line_ 19. _for_ Phrases _read_ Praises.
_P._ 11. _L._ 18. _for_ attack _read_ attack'd.
_P._ 14._ L._ 25. _for_ they _r._ the Ladies.
_P._ 17. _L._ 22. _for_ emnently _r._ eminently.
_P._ 18. _L._ 25. _for_ Henepius _r._ Henepin's.
_P._ 26. _L._ 26. _for_ their _r._ the.
_P._ 27. _L._ 13. _for_ brag _r._ boast.
_P._ 33. _L._ 25. _for_ runing _r._ running.
_P._ 34. _L._ 5. _for_ St. Foil _r._ St. Foin.
_P._ 36. _L._ 28. _for_ say _r._ see.
_P._ 42. _L._ 25. _for_ adaequate _r._ inadequate.
_P._ 63. _L._ 11. _for_ Teas _r._ Tea.
_P._ 71. _L._ 15. _after_ horrid _r._ and.
_P._ 72. _L._ 3. _for_ we. _r._ they.
_P._ 75. _L. the last_, _for_ 'tis employ'd in, _r._ that accompany it.
_P._ 85. _L._ 10. _after_ Virtue _add_, or Learning.
_P._ 88. _L._ 10. _after_ Wall _add_, of.
_P._ 88. _L._ 31. _for_ that _r._ than.
A
DIALOGUE
BETWEEN
Dean _Swift_ and _Tho. Prior_, Esq;
In the Isles of St. _Patrick's_ Church,
_Dublin, Oct. 9, 1753_.
PRIOR. Mr. Dean, I am sorry to see you up, if any of your private
Affairs disturb you. I came to call at your Grave, and have a little
Discourse with you; but unless 'tis the Publick has rouz'd you, I am
troubled to find you walking as well as my self.
SWIFT. 'Tis my Country keeps me walking! why who can lie still? I don't
believe there are many Ghosts now, that have any share of Understanding,
or any regard for _Ireland_, that are to be found in their Graves at
Midnight. For my part I can no more keep in my Den than if it were the
Day of Judgment. I have been earth'd now eight Years last _October_,
and I think on my Conscience (and you know _Tom_ the Conscience of one
dead Man is worth ten of those that are living) I have had very few
good Days Sleep since I got there. Ah _Tom_! poor _Ireland_! poor
_Ireland_! it plagued my Heart while I was trifling away Life there;
but my Curse on it, I never thought it would have broke my Rest thus
when I was dead. I have tumbled and toss'd from one Side to the other
(and by the by, they make these cursed Coffins so narrow 'tis a Plague
to be in them) first one Thing would come into my Head, and then
another, and often wrought me so, that I have many a time been forced
to walk a whole Moon to rest me and get the better Nap when I lay down.
Prithee how have you done?
PRIOR. Why, very little better; only as I have not been so long shut up
in my Dormitory as you, the Confinement is less irksome. But I was not
affected the same way with you, for I sometimes slept for Months
together like a Dormouse; but when _Ireland_ once gets into my Head and
its present melancholy Circumstances, it works my Thoughts upwards and
downwards from the Great Ones to their Slaves, like a poor Patient with
_Ward_'s Drop and Pill.
SWIFT. That has often been my Case _Tom_. When I get into that Train of
thinking, and consider the present Situation of our Country, it makes
me as uneasy in my Coffin as a Rat shut up in a Trap. I remember an old
She[1] Fool, that was fonder of scribling than reigning, used to say,
that the Dead have that melancholy Advantage over the Living of first
forgetting them; but 'tis as false as ten thousand other Truths, that
your Philosophers and Politicians above Ground keep such a babling with
over our Heads. For my part I never had that Pleasure, for since my
first Nap under my Gravestone, which did not last three Weeks, I have
been as much perplex'd about _Ireland_, as if I was still living at the
Deanry, writing for Posterity, and thinking for my poor Country. What
makes you sigh so _Tom_? Why you draw your Breath as hard as a
broken-winded Racer; some Qualm I suppose about this neglected Island.
[1] Queen _Christina_ of _Sweden_.
PRIOR. That was the Case indeed. But tho' I am chiefly grieved at the
ill Circumstances of _I----d_, my next trouble is, that the World seems
resolved they shall never mend; and, I think so, by their treating all
true Patriots in the most unhandsome Manner. This is as mad a Measure,
as imprisoning the Physicians in an epidemical Sickness would be. Yet
such Men, who only could heal our Distempers, are treated almost as
common Poisoners, and watch'd as if they were Incendiaries and the
Enemies of Society. It was too much our own Case when we were among
Men, and tho' I scorn to lament the indifferent Treatment Dean _Swift_
and _Tom Prior_ received from those who should have respected and
honoured them; yet I cannot help being concerned for the hard Usage all
true Patriots generally meet with in _I----d_. Their Writings, tho'
ever so disinterested are treated as so many mercenary Productions of
the Press; their Zeal and their Motives are ever suspected, as false
and personated, and most Governments look on such Authors at best, as
so many out-lying Deer, and give all the World leave to hunt them and
run them down. I am sure, as to my Particular, I may justly say, I
found it so; for, as I well knew, that writing with a Design to please
or serve others, ends, generally, either in Neglect or Censure; so, I
would not have engaged in such a dangerous Undertaking, if I could have
quieted my Heart, that was ever tempting me to despise the Danger for
the Hopes of doing good by my Pen.
SWIFT. I wish Tom the Tribe of Authors had ever writ from such a Turn
of Mind, and then I fancy the World had not been so much over-run with
Books.
PRIOR. I can answer for my self that I had only the Service of my
Fellow Citizens in view. Let those whose miserable Aim is writing well,
be ashamed if they are criticiz'd, or ridiculed, but he who sincerely
strives to serve Millions, must have a Scorn for Malice or Satyr, if he
thinks he can feed or cloath half a Nation by scribling. I profess I
writ whatever I publish'd, barely for the Joy I had in doing some
Service to my Country, and with so little a view to Reputation, that I
would have done it, if there had been no such thing as Fame in the
World; and surely, there is almost as little of that phantastick
Pleasure to be had here as in the _Isle of Man_, or the _Orcades_. Nay,
Dean, I'll go further, I would have done it for the gratifying the
pleasing Instinct that lead me to it, if there had not been a great
Lord and Parent of Good to approve and reward it. Hence it was that I
troubled the World with a deal of Tracts on publick Subjects; and, I
thank Heaven, my Heart is as little asham'd of it, now I am dead, as I
was proud of it when I was living, which is what few Authors can say
when they are coffin'd. I saw writing absolutely necessary to the
well-being of the most neglected Nation under Heaven. I heard, I saw, I
felt the Displeasure of some great Men for several Things I wrote,
which crost their Views, or even disagreed with their Opinions or
Desires. I saw few either willing to appear Medlers or Busy-Bodies this
Way; or visibly to hurt their worldly Interests, or to seem fond of
either Ridicule or Reputation by bustling about it; and, as I was quite
indifferent to those Fears, I hop'd what I did, and the Motives I went
on, might be pardonable if not approveable; and whatever was the Event,
I as sincerely despised any Abuse I met with, as I did any Credit, that
a few solitary thinking Men might allow me for it.
SWIFT. Why, really _Tom_, as there is no lying in this World, that we
are now launch'd into, I must own there is a great deal of Truth in all
you have said; and tho' I often writ for the Sake of Applause, yet
writing with such a View is a poor Motive, and the best and noblest,
and I had almost said, the only justifiable one, is to do Good in an
evil World. I don't see any Thing very desireable in the greatest
Talents, or in the largest Affluence of Fortune, unless they are in
some Measure employed in the Publick Service, and if they be, it truly
dignifies them; nay, that single View is enough to sanctify the poorest
Scribling, and to make the meanest scraping and saving of Avarice, pass
for the Marks of a worthy Spirit. But tho' Patriots are generally so
ill used, by the ungrateful World; you certainly came much better off
than I did, for where you met with one Reviler, I met with one hundred.
The Pamphlets wrote against me, wou'd have form'd a Library, or rather
a Dormitory, where they might have slept in undisturb'd Repose; instead
of furnishing Grocers and Pastry Cooks for Years together, to make some
expiation for beggaring Printers and Booksellers. I have had Thousands
written against me, with Virulence and Scandal.
PRIOR. And what a wounding Grief must that be, to your generous Mind,
to have so much Malice returned, where so much Gratitude was due;
surely it gave you infinite Pain to be so lash'd and stigmatised, by a
Rabble, of the most invenom'd and imbitter'd Scriblers upon Earth?
SWIFT. Why, dear _Tom_, I cou'd laugh a Month at you for this. Why,
they made no more Impression on my Spirit, with their scurrilous
Pamphlets, than they wou'd have done, on my Statue, had they thrown
them at it. I ever consider'd, that Abuse from such Scriblers, who
write for a Livelihood, can no more be thought an Affront, than a
Barber's taking you by the Nose; 'tis his Trade, and the Wretch would
starve if you stopt him. What harm did all their Ribaldry do me? I
neither eat, nor drunk, nor slept the worse for it. I don't suppose,
that the scape Goat, which the _Jews_ loaded with Curses, and drove
into the Wilderness, either died by their Maledictions, or grew a whit
the leaner for them; nor was I ever the worse for all I met with. Why
_Tom_, one had as good be a sensitive Plant, as to start and fly back,
at every Touch, or every Appearance of being Touch'd, as some weak Men
do.
PRIOR. We may Reason thus, but Nature generally over masters our
Opinions.
SWIFT. Yes, when they are of opposite Sides, but in this point they
must agree. Consider, what a wretched Thing would Merit be, whose chief
support is a justly deserved good Character, if it depended for its
real Fame, on the Writings (if we must call them Writings) of envious
Scriblers, or the Tongues, of Slanderers, who wou'd both of them fain
get a Scrap of Reputation, by vilifying exalted Names. No, _Tom_, there
is something in true Merit, so independent of Applause and Censure, and
so superior to the going out, or coming into Vogue, that it frequently
takes the Injuries of such Reptiles as a kind of Homage; like the
Abuses offered by the common Soldiers, to Conquerors when they Ride in
Triumph, and which they valued as little as the senseless Phrases and
Shouts of the multitude. 'Tis time enough for true Merit and Goodness
to expect Justice from Men; when it receives the Euge of the
Omnipotent; for then only will Malice be out of Countenance, Envy
silent, and then only will Truth (the Language of Eternity) prevail!
PRIOR. Well, very well, Mr. _Dean_. But I am much mistaken, if you was
not heartily Sick of your Patriotism, when you was so often branded and
asperst by such Crowds of Pamphlets and Scriblers.
SWIFT. Dr. _Tom_, they never gave me a moment's Pain, for the Truth is,
I was too proud to be affronted, and had too high a Spirit to be
humbled, by such Insults, or else indeed I had met with Opportunities
enough to make me pass my Time very uneasily. But in the next place
those who Writ against me, were mere toothless Animals, or at least a
Sort of _Irish_ Vipers, that tho' they lov'd to Bite, yet they wanted
the pungent Venom which gives the Torment. Many of their Tracts were
the poorest Productions that ever disgraced the Press; without Style,
or Wit, or Sense, or Argument. I remember one of them, where both I,
and the Subject he writ on, were equally ill-treated, begun like a
_Hebrew_ Book at the wrong End, with an Apology for the Author's
inability to handle such weighty Points as they deserved; and indeed
_Tom_, that single Confession was the only Thing that look'd like Truth
or Modesty in the whole Performance. How could I be affronted by such
miserable Efforts of Malice? and above all, if the natural elevation of
my Mind, had not enabled me to look down on them with Disdain, the
Dignity and usefulness of my Life, help'd me to smile on them as
impotent and harmless. I was so far from being mortified by their base
revilings, that I think, I wrote the better for them, and with higher
Spirit, as a well mettled Horse moves the brisker for being lashed.
Besides, as I often wrote for the service of the World; and the
Interests of Mankind, I always appeared with every Advantage, that
Candour, Honesty, and Courage, cou'd give me against Injustice,
Oppression, and Tyrany. I wrote for Truth and Reason, for Liberty, and
the Rights of my Country and Fellow-Subjects; and it gave me Joy, to
see the Minions of a Court, and the Slaves of Power, stare at the
dextrous boldness of my Pen, as I fancy a Cuckold does at a Deer, when
he sees it cast its Horns.
PRIOR. Why dear _Dean_, I will not oppose you too obstinately; but I am
sure, you will not deny, that you were sufficiently mortified, with
other Things, if you were not with the Sarcasms of your Rival Writers.
SWIFT. What other Things pray?
PRIOR. Why your not being perferr'd, nor advanc'd in the Church.
SWIFT. I renounce it! I deny it! I lost nothing by not being preferred,
but an enlarged Power of doing Good; and the Day is coming (much sooner
than the Feeders on the Earth imagine) when I shall be allowed as
fully, for the Good I would have done, as for that which I was able to
accomplish. The Publick indeed lost many, and perhaps considerable
Advantages, and I some hearty Prayers, by that Disappointment; at the
same Time, I ever look'd on the Gain of Preferment with the noblest
Scorn: I hardly look'd with more on those that disgraced it, your
A----s, and your B----s, your C----s, and your D----s. The truth is, I
saw in this same scurvy World, so many bad Men pass for good; so many
Fools for wise; so many Ignorants for Learned; and so many Knaves for
honest, and rewarded accordingly, that I was rather provok'd, than
mortified. However, I never fretted, but rather diverted my Spleen,
with the World's fine Mistakes; and I enjoyed in _Petto_, that just
delight of a truely honest Mind, of either pitying, or contemning every
worthless Animal, whose Advancement made him look down on me, with
Insolence or Scorn.
PRIOR. That was a peculiar felicity of Temper.
SWIFT. It was so, and I enjoy'd it fully. If sometimes, I was weak
enough to be angry at such Events, I took care, that my Ill-humour,
shou'd be as useful to the Publick, as my good cou'd have been. I ever
despised undeserved Grandeur, and misapplied Power, and therefore few
People in high Posts, or even Kings or Queens, or Ministers, cou'd ever
brag much of my Condescension, in speaking a good Word for them to
Posterity, or endeavouring to blind the Eyes of the present Times, by
Printing either lies or Truths in their Favour. 'Tis true, I almost as
seldom gave them any Proofs of my Spite; partly out of neglect, and a
despair of doing any good by it; but chiefly, as I rather chose
quarrelling with my Equals, whom I cou'd safely treat as ill as they
used me; for after all _Tom_, tho' a Man hates Lyons and Tygers, there
is no great Wit or Wisdom in throwing Stones at them, and provoking the
lordly Monsters, to try the strength of their Mouths, or their Fangs on
you.
PRIOR. I entirely agree with you there, Dean, but it is certain, if you
was not mortified, you was enraged at the ill Usage your Patriotism
drew on you from the Men in Power. This therefore, must have disturbed
your mind remarkably, and as I was observing at first had never given
you any uneasiness, had you been less zealous in your Country's
Service.
SWIFT. I shall chuse to say little to that; tho' probably had they used
me more generously, both they and I had been better pleased. I know my
Foes said, if I had not hated the Ministry so much, I had not lov'd
_Ireland_ so well, nor fought her Battles so stoutly against a stupid
World, and a juncto of Copper-Coiners, Oppressors and Tax-Gatherers.
But indeed, _Tom_, I scorn'd to write from such mean-interested Views
and partial Ends; but I wrote because I lov'd Honour, Truth and
Liberty, more than fifty _Irelands_. Nay, upon my Word, if I had liv'd
three Winters in _Lapland_, and found it as much opprest, I would have
made War with my Pen on the _Danes_, with the same Spirit, and attack
them for so basely distressing the Slaves that croucht to them, and
durst not on pain of Ruin howl under their Rods. I thank Heaven, I got
the better of the redoubted Sir _Robert_, in that important Affair; and
if I had liv'd a little longer, and my Organs had not declined too
fast, I would have kept all the great Bashaws of _Europe_ in my
Dependance as _Aretine_ did.
PRIOR. Why, Dr. Dean, I was complaining of the hard Fate and ill Usage
true Patriots meet with in the World, from its Neglects, if not from
its Oppressions; and you stop my Mouth with Declamations of their Worth
and their Influence, and make them the most formidable People in it.
Don't you consider how easily they are crusht by Power.
SWIFT. No! But I consider how easily they can crush Power, I mean
abused Power, when they attack Oppression and plead for Liberty, and an
injured People. If I was to be restored to Life again (which Heaven
forbid) and was in the Prime of my Parts and Spirits, I could overturn
bad Ministers as easily with my Pen, as _Mahomet_ in his Alcoran says,
the Archangel _Gabriel_ did Mountains with the Feather of his Wing. An
Author whose Writings are bottom'd on Truth, and influenced by no
Motives but the sincere Love of his Country can do Wonders. As he Acts
right he fears nothing; and if he be Opprest, his Sufferings do but
exalt his Character and encrease his Strength as well as his Courage. I
ever found this true by Experience, I never had more Spirit, more
Resolution, than when I was most eminently injured; nor did I ever
exert my self in a more distinguished Manner than when the Interests of
two Kingdoms were both at Work, and labouring by the help of a Villain
in Scarlet Robes, to String me up as a Trumpeter of Rebellion. God
forgive the Enemies of sincere Patriots, who make use of all their Arts
and their Power to crush and oppress them; but tho' I pray for them, I
must own _Tom_, if Beggars, were to be chusers, I had rather they
should be forgiven after they had been severely punish'd for their
misdeeds, for otherwise, when Oppressors gall Men or Nations too long,
Providence bears half blame.
PRIOR. I shall submit to all you advance _Dean_, provided you quit this
Subject, (which I unluckily started) and go to another, which I came to
talk about, and is of more Importance; I mean our poor Country, and its
present State and Circumstances; when I died, I thought I had left it
in a very improving way, and on the mending hand, by my Writings and my
constant Labours in its Service, and had I liv'd a little longer, I
wou'd have wrote some Tracts, that wou'd have prevented some
Distresses, which I hear, are likely to fall heavy on her.
SWIFT. Dreams! Whims! and Delusions! If you had wrote your self as
blind as _Milton_ did, what Service cou'd you do a Nation that never
thinks. You might as well expect to cure the Deaf by talking to them;
Idiots by reasoning with them; or to rouse the Dead as the _Romans_ did
by bawling and weeping for their miserable Condition. If they had been
retrievable by any Writings, I may justly say, they had been retrieved
by mine.
_----Si Pergama dextra,
Defendi possent, etiam hac defensa fuissent._
But all such hopes are vain. Preach to Fishes and talk to Wolves like
St. _Anthony_ and St. _Francis_, and try what Change it will make in
them, and be assur'd, just so much and no more, would your Arguments
and Eloquence do, with our heedless Countrymen. I told them of their
Danger, and every impending Ruin in Print, Winter after Winter, as
regularly as Men wish People a good Year, every first of _January_; for
let me tell you _Tom_, repetitions of this Sort, are as necessary in a
Nation, that will not readily mind good Advice, as crying Fire! Fire!
in a City in Flames, where all are drunk or asleep, and must either
rouse and bestir themselves, or Perish. I cannot help boasting a little
on this Subject, I have a Title to it; these Hands were almost as
useful to the People of _I----d_, as _Moses_'s were to the _Jews_: When
I lifted them up, all went well; when I dropt them, all went wrong.
However, I must own, that as to the bulk of the Nation, tho' I tried
them, and studied them, for half a Century, I ever found that they
wou'd not be at the pain of thinking, for half an hour, to secure their
ease and happiness for half a Year. But, pray _Tom_, before you speak
of the Distresses that menace _I----d_, let me hear what Grounds you
have to say, She was, in a tolerable improving way, and on the mending
hand (as you call'd it) when you died. I have heard indeed, from the
Ghosts of some half-starved Silk-Weavers, and some Manufacturers of
_Irish_ Woollen Goods, that died of Hunger and Poverty, that _I----d_
was vastly improv'd, as to Elegance of Taste, in her Gentry, as to
eating and drinking: That they understood Musick, infinitely better
than their Ancestors; that they drest vastly more agreeably than their
stupid Grandmothers, and shew'd more good Sense in the nice choice of
their Suits, and the Fancy and richness of their Cloaths, as well as
the modest way of imitating naked _Eve_, in wearing them, than the last
Age did. I was assured also, that they danced inconceivably finer than
ever; that their Races, and their Subscriptions for them, quite surpast
all Imagination; and that they gam'd deeper, and lost their Guineas
with more ease and politeness, even to Strangers and Sharpers, than
their Fathers did their Shillings to one another. As to any other
Improvements, and particularly as to Learning, Virtue, or Piety, (which
probably were over-look'd in the Account) they poor famish'd Devils,
cou'd tell me nothing of them.
PRIOR. You are very merry _Dean_ with the madness of our Countrymen,
but I fear by and by, I shall hear another Story, and be as melancholy
with their Miseries. However, as you desire it, I shall give you a fair
Account what these Improvements were, which made me think our poor
Country was in a tolerable Way. And in the first Place, I shall mention
our numerous and extended Turnpikes, which have been carried on with
incredible Application and surprizing Expence in all Parts, and I had
almost said, brought to every Town, of the least Name, or Consequence
in the Kingdom. Of what infinite Advantage this must prove to the Ease
and Convenience of all Travellers, to the facilitating and promoting
our inland Commerce, and the general Service of Trade, I need not tell
you.
SWIFT. Ah, _Tom_, I know very well, if _I----d_ had almost as many high
Ways in it as the Ocean, what Advantages it would produce to us. This
was one of the great Arts of the ancient _Romans_, who had prodigious
Roads running thro' every Province, in a strait Line to the Capital of
the Empire. But Alas! We copy them in our boasted Causeways, as we do
in our Standing Armies, without having any real Business for either of
them. I will for some Time, at least, drop the delicate Subject of our
Troops; but as to the other Point, I must say, I think it is a Curse
upon us, that we can't even copy a good Example (for bad Ones we do
more adroitly) but we do it in a tricky dirty Manner, and with as many
Deviations as we can. Why, dost thou not know, _Tom_, what base filthy
Jobs, Knaves, and Mean-foul'd Wretches have made, and do still make of
these magnified Turnpikes. I was once fix'd to write a Book of all the
Cheats, and all the Reptiles, of what Quality or Station soever
concern'd in them, but I found it would be so voluminous, that I left
the Care of it to Posterity, as one of the largest Branches of _Irish_
History, and Wisdom. But to dwell as little on such melancholy
Disgraces of our Country, as I can, I will chuse only to hint to you,
that fine Roads, without Travellers, and Stage-Coaches, without
Passengers, are useless Things, that must soon be dropt; and without
Manufactures, and proper Employment to set us at Work, can neither be
for Use or Pleasure. Indeed, if we had Trade, and the Roads were fairly
finish'd, they might help it; but in the mean Time, methinks we are in
his Case, who built the Mill, without knowing whence to bring Water to
it, or where to procure Grist for it. Nay, to make bad worse, after so
many Acts for Turnpikes, you cannot but know, _Tom_, that we want one
general Act to make them all passable. I am loth to be too severe on
them, and those who make Pence by spoiling them; and therefore I will
only say, passable for Footmen at least; for as to Carriages, if they
are allowed to be driven on some of these Roads, they will be the utter
Ruin of each other. But as I am quite sick of this, prithee _Tom_, let
us go to some other Improvements of _Ireland_.
PRIOR. Why, the next I shall mention is one, which you cannot easily
talk me out of, and that is, our prodigious Number of Converts; which,
considering the Prejudices of a bigotted People, (envassaled to _Rome_,
and Superstition) exceeds all Belief. It is a Matter of the highest
Consequence to our Welfare, that we have so astonishing a Crowd of all
Ranks, Fortunes, and Circumstances that have come over to our Church,
who were formerly our inveterate Enemies, and are now perfectly united
to us, both in our religious and political Interests: This is not only
a great discomfort, and weakening to the Popish Party, but a
considerable Encouragement and Strength, to all who wish well to the
Protestant Religion in _Ireland_. As the Papists are now quite
depriv'd, of all Men of Fortune, Family or Character, that were capable
of heading their Attempts, or forming their Schemes of any Sort; I have
ever look'd on this Affair of our numerous Converts, as likely to
contribute emnently to the Peace and Prosperity of this Island. By this
means, those spiritual Factions, which have often produced such fatal
Effects here, by Rebellions and national Massacres, will be utterly
extinguished, and both Conformists, Dissenters and Papists, will in a
little Time, live in as much Harmony and Good-Humour together; as if
our Statesmen had learn'd the Art of Father _Boubours_'s Friend, who he
tells us, had taught a Dog, a Cat, and a Mouse, to eat quietly
together.
SWIFT. The Dissenters live in Harmony and good Humour! What, _Tom_,
cannot even the Grave open your Eyes; as to those Favourites of yours,
the Dissenters, after all the Pranks they have been playing of late, as
if they had a mind to make good, all I ever writ against them: But keep
your old kind Opinion of them, _Tom_, to your self, for I shall not
dispute on it now, because a few Years, and a few Facts, will shew you
fully what they drive at, and so to that great Explainer Time, I leave
them, unless you start the Subject hereafter. As to our Converts which
are our present Topick, I shall only say, when you consider how they
manage, whose Interests they espouse, and who they herd with, you will
not be too ready to vouch for their Sincerity, or build on their
Friendship, especially when their Conversion is brought about, by
worldly Interests, and securing their Estates. They remember, I fancy
the Advice of _Alexander_ the Great to the _Athenians_, who refused to
own him for a God:
[2]_Videte Athenienses ne dum Coelum custodiatis, Terram amittatis_,
and therefore they take Care, not to sacrifice their Lands and
Tenements, to Opinions that are equally inconsistent and inconvenient.
As for the Story of Father _Boubours_'s Friend, I shall only answer it,
with one of Father Henepius, who was a very honest Missionary, and had
made some Converts among the _Indian_ Savages. In the small Number of
those he had brought over, he met with an old Woman, whom he had taken
so much pains in instructing, that at last he had thoroughly convinc'd
her; and having admitted his new Christian to Baptism, he made her a
present (and a very agreeable one to the Savages) of a Pound of
Tobacco: In a few Weeks, (after behaving very well) this old Woman
comes to Father _Henepin_, and tells him her Tobacco was gone, and begs
of all Love, he wou'd give her another Pound, and she wou'd then
consent to be Christned anew. I will make no Application, _Tom_, but if
any of your _Irish_ Conversions, seem to bear some Resemblance with
this, as to their Motives and Conduct, I think you need not boast much
of any Advantages, to be deriv'd from them.
[2] _Look to it_ Athenians, _lest whilst you guard Heaven too
closely you should lose your Lands._
PRIOR. I look on our Converts in a very different Light; Numbers of
them are unquestionably sincere; and if any of them may be justly
suspected, I am sure their Children, and Grand-Children; will be
actually as good Protestants, as any in _England_, where a few
Generations ago, all were bigotted Slaves to _Rome_ and Popery. Upon
this Footing it is, that I will also reckon up to you, our Charter
working Schools, as another great Improvement in _I----d_, and which
gave me great Hopes of our drawing prodigious Advantages from them. The
_Janizaries_, who are Sons of Christians taken Captives in their
Infancy, are not a greater Strength to the _Turks_, or a greater
weakening to their Enemies, than these Children, will be to our Church
and Kingdom. This is the Surest, and safest Method of striking at the
Root of the Popish Party, in our divided Country; and will secretly and
without Noise or Violence, or the Terror of Penal Laws, sap and
undermine their great Support their Numbers, and that old partition
Wall of the _Irish_ Tribes, and the _English_ Families, and make us in
Time but one People. There are few Counties in the Kingdom, that have
not one, or more, Charter Schools establish'd in them; and as the
Children, I am told, are computed to near fifteen Hundred, and will
probably in a few Years, amount to double that Number, I cannot but
hope to see great Effects from this happy Institution.
SWIFT. Why truly, _Tom_, in three or four Centuries, something may be
done; but Schools and Children are as slow a way of working, as sowing
Acorns, in order to raise Forests, for building Fleets and Cities.
Besides, the Funds allowed this noble Design, are so small, as if they
were subscrib'd by Papists, in order to cramp it, and lessen its
Efficacy; whereas the Contributions ought to be as extended as its
Views, and suited to the removal of our great national Defect, our
religious Differences. Neither ought such an important Scheme, to be
left depending on Fits of good Humour, and the Yearnings of Charity,
which are influenced so much by the Variations of popular Opinion, and
Changes of Weather, and Times, and Seasons. Withall I must tell you,
_Tom_, that the whole Body of the Popish Clergy, have been so violent
in opposing it, by denying the Communion and Absolution, to all their
Members, that send Children to such Schools, and cursing it and them,
with Bell, Book, and Candle, in all their Congregations, that I
apprehend it will be yet harder, to get Children to fill the Schools,
than even a Fund to maintain them there.
PRIOR. It must be owned the popish Clergy have done their utmost, to
discredit and overturn this Design. This however, is a stronger Proof
of the exceeding Usefulness of it, than of their Prudence in thwarting
it so violently, as they confessedly have done. However, as this is a
Scheme which his Majesty has so generously, and so warmly espoused, I
am the more inclined to believe, that from his Royal Protection, it
will probably operate more expeditiously, than you imagine: And if
these wise Priests will consider, that if they go on to undermine these
Plans of their Governors, it may force them to blow up at once, their
whole Church Government, and oblige all Priests, on pain of High
Treason, to take out all their Titles from the King, or Protestant
Bishops only, it may make them more cautious and moderate in their
mighty Zeal. A Priest in _Ireland_, shou'd be as quiet, and as passive,
as a Protestant Minister in _France_; and if once they are so, we shall
soon find our Charter Schools more crowded than their Mass Houses, and
their Parents, as manageable as their Children.
SWIFT. I am afraid their fixt Opposition to our Government may produce
some wholesome Statutes to curb their ill-judg'd Zeal; but if they
behave with Decency, and a due Submission to the Laws and the
Government, I shou'd be sorry to see any Severities thought necessary.
PRIOR. So shou'd I, and probably their own Prudence and Moderation may
prevent it; and to that we may leave it. In short, dear _Dean_, 'tis as
easy removing this Evil, as drawing a loose Tooth, if it gives us no
Pain, there it may stay 'till it rots; if it does Pain us, and severely
too, out it must go, and let those who give the Pain look to it. But I
will drop this Subject, and go on to another considerable Improvement,
that has of late Years been carried on with particular Emulation and
Success, and that is, the surprising Improvement in the Breed of both
our black Cattle, and our Horses. The first of these, we have taken
uncommon Care about, by Importing great Numbers of the finest Bulls and
Heifers, from _England_. It is true, the fatal Disease, that infected
most of the horned Beasts for some Years past in _Great Britain_,
forc'd us to suspend our Importations of them for some Time; but
nevertheless, I will be bold to say, there are but few breeding
Counties, on the other Side of the Water, which produce Cattle that
excell those, which are bred by a vast many of our Gentlemen, either as
to Beauty, Size, Leather, or Milk.
As to our Horses, it is confest by the best Judges, that by bringing
over the noblest Stallions, and the highest bred Mares, we may boast of
having raised the Character of both our Racers and Hunters to a
surprizing Degree. We send over great Numbers every Year abroad and I
am assured, that in the _French_ King's Stables, they make as great a
Figure, and are as much esteemed, as those of any Country in _Europe_,
if we except _Great Britain_. Our Nobility and Gentry, are so
passionately fond of keeping fine Studs, and the highest priced Cattle
For Blood and Performance, that if they go on, as they have hitherto
done, to lay out such large Sums in indulging this Humour, we may in
Time expect to pay Part of the dreadful Importation of _French_ Claret,
by our _Irish_ Horses.
SWIFT. I wonder you don't brag of our Importing Jack-Asses, and
breeding Mules here, among your other mighty Nothings you boast of so
magnificently. For my part, _Tom_, I see no great Advantage to the
Service of _Ireland_, that a few private Gentlemen have improv'd the
Breed of the horned Cattle. You may as well argue, that some of our
_Irish_ Senators marrying a few celebrated Toasts for their Beauty,
wou'd improve the natural homeliness of the Commonality.
Indeed the Improvement made in the Breed of our _Irish_ Horses, I
believe will grow very general, and have more enlarged Consequences,
among our People, as Racing favours some of their darling Passions,
their Indolence and Idleness, Gaming and Drinking, and the helping our
Fox-Hunters off, with their Time and their Fortunes, which I ever
thought, two of the greatest Burdens to our _Irish_ Gentlemen in the
World. If they wou'd turn themselves, to breed Cattle to mount our
Troops, or draw our Carriages, they might indeed save us 5000_l._ a
Year, and do something truly beneficial to our Country; but, _Tom_,
they have Souls above the little Views of being useful, and managing
their Expences, and keeping our Cash in the Kingdom, are low Arts and
Tricks, fitter for the mean Notions of a Merchant or a Mechanick, than
Men of Fortune and Family, that are as proud and as thoughtless as so
many noble _Spaniards_.
PRIOR. Well, _Dean_, in spite of all your Objections, I think I have
nam'd several considerable Improvements, in our poor Country, which
gave me Reason to say, she was on the mending Hand; and I have not
nam'd all, for the very encrease of our Numbers of late Years, is a
vast Addition to our Strength, Credit, and Figure, as a Nation. I think
the Dealers in Political Arithmetick, compute that every Nation,
unwasted by Famines, Wars, or Plagues, doubles the Quantity of its
People in 250 Years; but I have seen Computations, that between our
early Marriages, the Breedyness of our People, the Importations of our
Neighbours, the Mildness of our Climate, and the Fertility of our Soil,
evidently prove, that we have frequently doubled the Amount of our
Inhabitants in half that Time. The Truth is, the matter of Fact is so
incontestable, that I need not recollect all the Proofs, on which they
ground their Assertion; but I shall only observe to you, _Dean_, that
this is a very singular Advantage, since it is certain, that we out
breed the _Jews_, and in spite of our Wars and Massacres, we seem to
multiply like the _Polypus_, by being cut to Pieces.
SWIFT. Stuff and Nonsense! To tell me of our Numbers, when they only
serve to multiply our Wretchedness and Miseries: Does this prove us on
the mending Hand, as you term it? Why you talk like a Physician, that
wanted more Fees for doing nothing! 'Tis hard, _Tom_, you cannot be in
the Right sometimes, and speak Truth now and then. Did ever Man before
you boast of having Crowds of Beggars? And what are we else? For I
verily think, tho' Sir _William Petty_ says, Nature never design'd
above one in 500 to beg by forcing them on the Charity of others,
(thro' some Lameness, Crookedness, or other accidental Debility, that
incapacitates them to Labour) that in _Ireland_ one in seventy are
Beggars, (at least for the Summer Season,) and sixty of the Remainder
incapable of relieving them, thro' their own Distresses. All the
Advantages we have thro' the encrease of our Inhabitants, is, that for
want of being employ'd, they furnish us with Thieves, Pilferers and
Sharpers, private Wenches, and common Whores, Cheats and Robbers,
Pickpockets, Gamesters, Tinkers and Vagabonds. We get also by this
blessed means some Foundlings for our Hospitals, and Brats for our
Charter Schools, Shoe-boys, and News Criers, and when they're grown up,
Recruits for the holy Convents and Nunneries, and the wise and reverend
Body of the Popish Priests. We have also the Advantage of able bodied
Volunteers, for the Armies of our dear Allies the _French_; Shoals of
Transports, that escape from the Gallows, to the Plantations abroad,
and a superfetation of Felons, to give a little Business to our Judges,
Justices, and Hangmen at home, and to keep up an Appearance of our
being govern'd like other Nations. How many Thousands do we see, take
their flight abroad every Year, like Birds of Passage, to search for
Food and Subsistance in other Countries? How many Thousands never
return again to us, no more than Prisoners to their Confinement, when
they've broke loose from their hard Fare, and their Fetters. I do not
exaggerate in the least; our Numbers, till we can give them Business at
home, are as much a Curse and a Burthen as too large a Garrison in a
besieged Town that wants Provisions: If, as political Writers agree,
the true Interests of any Country consists in the Prosperity not of
some, but of all the People in it, then I am sure _Ireland_, with her
boasted Numbers, is in a bad way; as all her poor Popish Natives, or in
other Words, three-fourths of her swarming Inhabitants, have neither
Houses, Cloaths, Work, Food, or Fire. This is a dismal self-evident
Truth, that demands the serious Consideration of every Irishman, that
can think, or can learn to think. At the same Time, our Nobility and
Gentry set their Lands excessively high, get their Rents paid to a
Penny, have as little fear of Wars or Taxes as of Famines, and live as
well (rambling, and squandering their Fortunes all over the World) as
any People whatever, without one uneasy Thought, as to the
Circumstances of those Crowds of their Countrymen that are starving
here. The Truth is, few Men are sick of other People's Ailments; and as
these honest Gentlemen find themselves quite at Ease, they can't think
others are in Misery. It puts me in mind, _Tom_, of the famous _La
Bruyere_'s Account of a great Statesman in _France_, who sign'd an
Arret, that wou'd have starv'd some Millions of People; however, says
he, in his sarcastical way, he is to be excused, for how cou'd he, with
his Stomach full of Meat, and his Head fuming with Wine, have any
notion of a whole Province perishing with Hunger? In other Countries,
where some Care is taken to employ their Hands, and secure them
Necessaries of Life, within the reach of their Labour, their Numbers
are their Strength and their Happiness; but here where nobody thinks
for us, and we are too sottish or desperate to think for ourselves; our
Numbers only increase our Misfortunes, like Lice on a diseased and
famish'd Beggar. Our common _Irish_ are cloathed with Rags, that wou'd
disgrace a Dunghill in _Holland_; they live five Months in the Year
without Food, unless you will call Potatoes and Salt by that Name; nay,
they live without Houses, unless Holes twice as big, and twice as
dirty, as an _English_ Hogsty, deserve that Title, which they Build
too, just for a Year, as Birds build their Nests, and then away to
another Place in the Spring. And to brag of our Numbers, in such
deplorable Circumstances, is just as rational, as for a Miller to brag
of having Thousands of Rats in his Mill, tho' they are starving and
thieving, and ready to eat up one another, for a little more Room and
Plunder.
PRIOR. Dear _Dean_, you are too severe, and have too imbitter'd a way
of Speeching, on all Things relating to _Ireland_. I reckon the
encrease of our Hands the greater Blessing, as the advancement of our
Linen Business is likely in some Years, to find Employment for Crowds
of our People; and consequently to give them all the Conveniences, as
well as the Necessaries of Life, in a reasonable Plenty: The prodigious
Progress which this useful Manufacture, had made among us, was also
another Reason for my saying, I left _Ireland_ on the Recovery, when I
was call'd Home: It generally encreases about 20,000 _l._ per Ann. on
an Average; and begins to spread so very fast in _Leinster_,
_Connaught_ and _Munster_, that in a little Time we may hope to see
many Thousands of Families, which are now famishing, easy in their
Circumstances, and useful to their Country. We begin to be convinced,
that our chief view herein must be to increase the Number of Acres
sowed with Flax-Seed, and the Spinners who Manufacture it; for if these
were doubled (and with Care and Time they will be doubled) they wou'd
soon enrich us, and employ many Hands, that are now a Burthen to us.
'Tis certain there is not by the fairest Computation, over the
fifteenth Part of our People employ'd at present in this Business; and
it ought to be our great Care, to have as many busied this way, in the
other three Provinces, as there are in _Ulster_. Twenty Thousand Acres
of Flax will furnish us with Materials enough, to keep an eighth part
of our People employ'd; and as we neither want Ground enough to supply
us with sufficient Quantities of excellent Flax, nor Hands to work it
up, if we wou'd use them; there is little doubt, but by proper Laws, if
we can get them, and well judg'd Premiums, if we are allowed them, we
shall soon see this blessed Affair establish'd. There is no danger of
growing too large a Quantity of Flax, or of manufacturing too large a
Stock of Linen; the demand for them is so considerable already, and
will encrease every Day, with our Skill and Industry in the
Manufacture; and if we enlarge the Sallaries of our Lappers, and
thereby secure the Credit of their Seals, it is probable, we shall
outwork, and under sell all our Rivals.
SWIFT. A very fine and a very plausible Account of Things; but do you
know, _Tom_, of no Objection against this promising Calculation of
yours? Are there no Fears to ballance these growing Hopes, and mighty
Prospects?
PRIOR. None that I know of, Mr. _Dean_. I have exaggerated nothing, but
candidly represented the true State of this Manufacture; nay I ought to
have added to it, the flourishing State of our Cambricks in _Ulster_,
and particularly at _Dundalk_; where we have as happy an Example set us
in the North, as a certain Baronet, and Friend of mine, has given us in
the South; what our Nobility and Gentry can do to help us, when they
Employ an enlarged Fortune, and an improv'd Understanding, in advancing
our Manufactures, and labouring to enrich and enliven our Country. I
might justly have brought in also, the reasonable Hopes we have, that
our Hempen Manufactures, may in a few Years, be so assisted, as to
enable us to give Wings to the Navy of _Great Britain_, and Shirts to
her Seamen; to her great saving, and our equal Gain and Honour. By this
means, the rich Lands in _Munster_ and _Connaught_, may be as happily
employ'd, as the less fertile Fields, in the North; and have no Reason
to Envy the superior Industry and Wealth of their Neighbours: And then
our Women, (who used to be the most useless Members of our Country,
before they distinguish'd themselves in our Linen Business,) wou'd have
a new Opportunity given them, to shew themselves the best, and the most
industrious Creatures in it.
SWIFT. I think, _Tom_, we may spare our Compliments to the Women, now
we are dead, who paid so little Regard to them while we were living.
But to pass by that, I must tell you, I have let you go on a long
while, without contradicting you on this favourite Article, which I
always think on with satisfaction, as it is the staple Commodity of
this Island, and the chief Support of our Poor. But you shou'd act the
Part of one of those faithful Lappers you were talking of, and put the
worst part of their Cloth Manufacture outmost, and then Matters wou'd
wear a very different Aspect. Do you consider what a dangerous Rival
_Scotland_ has been, and is likely more and more every Day to prove, to
this miserable Country; and with how much ease she may exert her
Jealousy against us, to the cramping, or possibly, to the blasting all
our Hopes. Do you reflect, how she may reduce you to the precarious
Dependance of sending over every Sessions a Linen Bill; and to hold the
very Subsistance of our Manufactures, or in other Words, the Life of
_Ireland_, by her sole Will and Pleasure.