SIGNS OF DISCORD IN QUODLIBET--THE IRON-RAILING
CONTROVERSY--AGAMEMNON FLAG'S NOMINATION--REVOLT OF THEODORE
FOG--THE CELEBRATED SPLIT--CONSEQUENCES OF JESSE FERRET'S
PERNICIOUS DOGMA IN REFERENCE TO PUBLICANS--FIRST FRUITS OF THE
SPLIT MANIFESTED AT MRS. FERRET'S TEA DRINKING--GRAVE REFLECTIONS
BY THE AUTHOR--MORAL.
The exciting summer of 1837, with the special election of a member of
Congress for the extra session--to which we returned our long-tried
and faithful representative, Mr. Middleton Flam, almost without
opposition--went by. All eyes were turned upon the proceedings of
Congress at that extra sitting; and a great many speculations were
afloat in Quodlibet, where, I am pained to disclose the fact, very
serious contrariety of opinion began to spring up in reference to the
Sub-Treasury. Our State election, for members of the Legislature, was to
come on in October, and a convention, called for the purpose,
had nominated Agamemnon Flag, at the head of the ticket, with
Abram Schoolcraft, the nursery man in Bickerbray, and Curtius
Short, Cheap store-keeper in Tumbledown, as the Regular New-Light
Democratic Quodlibetarian candidates. Unhappily this nomination gave
dissatisfaction to numbers of our friends. Agamemnon Flag, who was the
only stump man on the ticket, (Schoolcraft and Short having expressly
stipulated that they were not to be called on to speak in the canvass,)
was a young member of the bar, comparatively a stranger to many in the
Borough, (having within the last year removed from Bickerbray,) and,
laboring under the infirmity of short-sightedness, wore a delicate pair
of gold spectacles. I have observed that short-sighted persons in
general are not apt to be popular in a Democratic government.
But there was another matter that operated against Agamemnon. Quodlibet
had been made the county-seat of justice by an act of the last
Legislature, and we were just finishing a court-house which, in
anticipation of this event, we had commenced a year before. A question
arose among the townspeople, whether the court-house square should be
surrounded by a wooden or by an iron railing. This question created
great agitation. Several Whigs of the Borough made themselves active in
the debate, and went for the iron. The New-Light Quods were strong for
wood. Agamemnon Flag, seeing that a great deal of ill blood was getting
up between the parties, made a speech to a town meeting on this subject,
and went in for a compromise--he was for wood on the _two sides_ and
_back_ of the square, and iron _in front_. This proposition he advocated
with great earnestness and ability, and finally carried his point by a
close vote. The wooden party said that the vote was not a fair one, and
that they could not regard it as a legitimate expression of the popular
voice, because it was taken just as a shower of rain was coming up, when
many persons present who had come without umbrellas had given no heed to
the question, and voted as it were in the dark. However, the vote was
not recalled, and the iron railing is now in a course of fabrication
over at the Hogback Forge, which happens unluckily to be owned by
Stephen P. Crabstock, one of the most bull-headed Whigs in this county,
the job being given by the commissioners to him in consequence of there
being no genuine New-Light Democratic iron works in this part of the
county.
When Agamemnon Flag was brought out at the head of the ticket for the
Legislature, nothing was said about the iron railing, and we had good
reason to suppose that every true Quod would support the nomination;
which in fact was made by the direction of our honorable representative
in Congress, who had a great liking for Flag in consequence of a very
beautifully written memoir of Mr. Flam, which appeared two years ago in
the Bickerbray Scrutinizer, when Flag lived in that town. In point of
principle, Agamemnon was altogether unexceptionable. He was an
out-and-out Flamite of the first water, and an unadulterated
Quodlibetarian in every sentiment.
Theodore Fog--I regret to be obliged to mention his name in any terms
of disparagement, because he is unquestionably a man of talents and a
true-bred New Light, and certainly we owe Theodore a good deal--had been
very sour for some time past. He had never forgotten the making of
Middleton Flam President of the bank. I have in a former chapter hinted
somewhat of Theodore's unfortunate habits. Dolet mihi,--I grieve to
repeat these things. But the truth must be told. His diurnal aberrations
became at length so conspicuous that, after being twice elected a
Director of the bank, his name was struck off the ticket and Anthony
Hardbottle's substituted in his place. Theodore never had much practice
at the bar, although he considers himself the founder of that fraternity
at Quodlibet, being for a season the only lawyer in the Borough. That
little practice had now pretty nearly left him; in consequence of which
he thought himself badly used, and therefore entitled to a support from
the public. These feelings operating upon his mind, induced him, soon
after the nomination of Agamemnon Flag, to come out in opposition and
declare himself an Independent Candidate.
The Whigs, taking advantage of this split in the party, brought out Andy
Grant, son of old Michael of the Hogback; a young man of fair character,
but wholly and fatally imbued with those dangerous opinions which have
already brought so many misfortunes upon our country.
This was the state of things at the commencement of the month of
September; and it will be seen in the sequel that very serious
difficulties grew out of this division.
A meeting of the voters of the county, which included the three towns of
Quodlibet, Tumbledown, and Bickerbray, was called at the Sycamore
Spring, upon the Rumblebottom, about five miles below Quodlibet. This
meeting was to be held on the eighth. A reference to these events is
necessary to explain the scene which I am about to present to my reader.
Jesse Ferret, as my reader knows, had brought himself into some scandal
by his indefinite political sentiments, and that most unquodlibetarian
dogma that "a Publican should have no side." Now, Mrs. Ferret and her
daughter, Susan Barndollar, were just antipodes to Jesse. Two truer
women, more firm-set in the New-Light Democracy, more constant in
opinion, whether in the utterance thereof or in its quality, and better
able to hold their own, have I never chanced to meet, than this
respectable mother and daughter. It is common to say women are not
allowed a voice in our government. My faith! these two ladies had a
voice in Quodlibet, allowed or not allowed--let the theory go as it
may:--and Jesse Ferret knows that full well.
Mrs. Ferret is what we call a fleshy or lusty woman: she weighed two
hundred and twelve, in Neal Hopper's new one-sided patent scale at the
mill. She is amazingly well padded with fat across the shoulders, and
has a craw-shaped bosom that in some degree encroaches upon her neck;
and she is famous for wearing a large frilled and quilled cap with many
blue ribbons, being a little given to finery. Although Susan Barndollar
was grown up and married, Mrs. Ferret had a child in the arms at that
time; and Jesse has even boasted, within the last five years, of running
two cradles at one time.
It was on the evening of the seventh of September, the night before the
meeting at the Sycamore Spring, when Mrs. Ferret had a tea drinking in
the back parlor, at which I, the only one of the masculine, was present
as a guest. Mrs. Younghusband was of the party, and Mrs. Snuffers, with
her interesting fat female infant nine months old; the same dear child
whose arrangements to appear in this world of cares procured me the
honor of presiding over the New Light, on the memorable occasion of Mr.
Flam's great speech at Christmas, whereof I have spoken in a former
chapter: thanks to Mrs. Snuffers for that considerate favor! This good
lady was there; and these two, with the addition of Miss Hardbottle,
elder sister of Barndollar & Hardbottle, and Mrs. Susan Barndollar, who
lived at home with her mother, made up the company.
"There is one thing," said Mrs. Ferret, as she rocked herself in a huge
hickory arm-chair, which had been built on purpose for her, "that I _do_
hold in despise; and that is, one of these here men who haint got no
opinions. Ef you believe me, Mrs. Snuffers, that man Jesse Ferret--this
woman's father, (pointing to Mrs. Barndollar,) God forgive me that I
should say anythink aginst my datur's own lawful flesh and blood!--but
he's actelly afeard to go down to-morrow to the Sycamore Spring to hear
the tongue-lashing which Theodore Fog, which is a man I always
respected--they say he drinks, but there's many a man which don't drink,
hasn't half his brains--Jesse's actelly afeard to go and hear how
Theodore will use up Ag Flag and Andy Grant both at the same time, least
they might be for making him take sides, which he hasn't the
spunk to do. My patience! but it would be nuts to me to hear the
speechification!--and, to think of it--that man hasn't the heart of a
goose to go to the meeting!"
"Ah, Mrs. Ferret," said Mrs. Snuffers, talking as if she had a cold in
the head, her voice being husky, in fact, from having taken a
large pinch of snuff, "them politicks--them politicks! Poor Mr.
Snuffers!--dear man: I 'spose you know he is President of the New Light;
he's losing his naiteral rest upon account of that split. He put in his
wote in the conwention for Ag, as innocent as a lamb, and here comes up
that obstropolus iron railing, and smashes all the New Lights into outer
darkness, with diwisions and contentions and all sorts of infractions.
Mr. Snuffers says he shouldn't wonder if that unfortnate step should
take the Hay Scales from him and leave me and this here innocent darlin'
babe in a state of destitution. Oh them politicks!"
"Well, let people stand by their colors, says I," interposed Mrs.
Barndollar, tartly, with a sharp shake of her head; "I go with my ma,
although pa is pa. I think people ought to speak what they please, and
mean what they please; and it's a mean thing not to do so, and that's
gospel truth, or else this is not a free country. Ma is right; and if
Mr. Snuffers is what Mr. Barndollar calls a Whole Hog, he'll not mind
the people a jot, but go with his party; that's the law. And I don't
agree by no means with ma, in going for Theodore against the
nomination."
"Susan Barndollar, are you in earnest?" inquired her affectionate ma.
"Who put it into your head to underrate and strangle down Theodore Fog,
the oldest friend we have had sence we came to Quodlibet? and who brings
more custom to our bar than the whole New-Light Club put together.
Susan, Susan, I hope Jacob hain't been putting none of these ungrateful
ideers into your breast. Ef this house of ours, commonly called and
known by the name of The Hero, ought to go for any human, mortal,
individual man, that man is Theodore Fog. Ef he is a little exintric in
regard of his drinking, it won't be no new think in the Legislater, ef
the tenth part of what I heerd is true. Ladies--tea," said the dame, as
at this time a negro woman entered with a tray filled with great store
of provender--"help yourself, Mrs. Younghusband--take a plate on your
knee, and fork up one of them warfields--and take care of your gown,
they're a dripping with butter. Mr. Secondthoughts, what under heaven
has become of your perliteness that you can see Mrs. Younghusband a
fishing up that briled dried beef without her fork no more sticking in
it than if it was a live eel in the gravy!"
"Never mind me, Mrs. Ferret," replied Mrs. Younghusband, "and don't be a
troublin' the schoolmaster on my account. They do say that there's some
persons as hard to catch and pin down as hung beef crisped and floating
in butter, and as you justly remarked, a while ago, one of these persons
is not a hundred miles off from this house:" and here this good woman
laughed heartily at her own joke.
"Oh Jesse Ferret, in course!" exclaimed the landlady.
"My pa!" said Mrs. Barndollar, joining in the laugh.
"As Mr. Ferret hasn't got many friends here," said Miss Hardbottle,
"I'll be one. I think he is quite right, if he has no opinions, not to
express them. Don't you think so, Mr. Secondthoughts?"
"Madam," said I in a very grave manner, "if I might be allowed to
express myself freely, I would venture to remark, that it is very
important to the ascendency of the New-Light Quodlibetarian Democratic
party, that there should be no strife nor division in our ranks; and
that, feeling the importance of this sentiment, it is one of our
fundamental principles to go with the majority--whenever it can be
ascertained. Now between Agamemnon Flag and Theodore Fog----"
"Theodore Fog is sich a _good_ creature!" interrupted Mrs. Ferret.
"Ag is a _dear_ young man," said Mrs. Barndollar.
"As for that, ladies," said Miss Hardbottle, "if you speak of goodness
or beauty, Andy Grant can beat either, though he is a Whig."
"Hester Hardbottle!" shouted Mrs. Ferret.
"Hester Hardbottle!" shouted Mrs. Snuffers.
"Hester Hardbottle!" shouted Mrs. Younghusband.
"Hester Hardbottle!" shouted Mrs. Barndollar--all four at once.
"I do think so," said Miss Hardbottle, sharply, "and what I do think, I
say."
"You have no right to say it, madam," said Mrs. Barndollar.
"Free country," said Miss Hardbottle.
"No such a thing for Whigs," quickly returned Mrs. Barndollar.
"Ladies! ladies! ladies!" said I, "peace, if you please:" but there was
no peace, for these excellent females soon got into such a state of
confusion in the attack and defense of Andy Grant, that I believe the
tea-party would have broken up in a state of rebellion, if it had not
been for the entrance of Mr. Ferret in the very height of the tumult.
His appearance gave another turn to the conversation, for it all turned
upon him.
"And so you are not going to the Sycamore Spring to-morrow," cried one.
"And I 'spose you won't vote for Theodore Fog," said Number Two.
"Nor for Ag Flag," said Number Three.
"But you will drop in a sly ticket for Andy Grant, may be, at last, ef
no one should find you out," said Mrs. Ferret, who in this series
counted Number Four. "Oh Jesse Ferret, ef you had a drop of blood in you
that wasn't milk-and-water, you would be ashamed of sich shilly-shally
conduct, that even the women makes you a laughing-stock!"
"Wife," said Jesse, taking a fierce stand in self-defense, "drop it! If
my blood was milk-and-water, it would be curds-and-whey before this
time. I tell you again, old lady, a Publican's got no right to have
sentiments. The party's double splitted, and no man knows which way to
turn himself. There's that cursed Iron Railing; and there's that
infernal Suspension; and there's the Divorce of the Government from bed
and board with the banks, that everybody's talking about; and there's
Purse and Sword, and Specie Circlar, and Mint Drops, and the Lord knows
what; that a poor, sinful, infallible tavern keeper doesn't know who's
who, and what's what. I'm sure I can't tell whether I'm on my head or my
heels; and if I was to go down yonder to the Sycamore Spring and hear
all the palavering there, I should get so flustrated I wouldn't know
which eend of me went foremost. So, I tell you I'll stay at home and
stick to my motto:--that's as good as if I swore to it. Solomon
Secondthoughts, ain't I right?"
"Jesse," said I, mildly, "have you any respect for the opinion of our
distinguished representative, my former pupil, Middleton Flam?"
"Well, I voted for him," replied Jesse.
"Then," said I, "I admit there is a great perplexity about all these
public measures and men, just at this time; and I am willing to allow
that the New-Light Democracy do not as yet exactly understand their own
minds; and therefore it is quite lawful to pause and look about you
before you take your stand. This thing is certain, that the New-Light
Democracy will undoubtedly go with the government, whatever line it
chalks out for following the footsteps of its illustrious predecessor.
Whether that line shall lead us North or South, East or West, my poor
skill is not able to instruct you. Whether we are _for_ the banks or
_against_ them, is yet undecided, since we are pledged at least in favor
of our own. In a Quodlibetarian sense, I do not scruple to affirm that
we are _against_ the banks and _for_ the divorce; but in a private sense
that opinion will require some reflection. Mr. Flam will be home from
Congress before long, and until then we shall suspend our opinion. We
are, at all hazards, real Flam men. Flam--I drop the mister when I speak
of him as a principle--is our polar star--our cynosure in politics--our
Pisgah, which gives us a view of the Promised Land. As a principle, our
New-Light Democracy is all out-and-out Flam. Flam is our father, our
guide, our Pillar of Cloud. Wait till Middleton Flam comes home."
Having thrown out these well-weighed and sententious remarks, both for
the women and for Jesse, I was inwardly delighted to see how soothing
was the effect upon my auditory; and as it is a precept inculcated by
some sage observer of mankind, I forget his name, to leave your company
when you have made an agreeable impression upon them, I did not tarry
for further converse, but took up my hat and stick, and bade my worthy
friends "good night."
Upon my return to my lodgings, I sat down and made the foregoing
narration of what had passed in my presence, and I have incorporated the
same into this history, with no little mortification; feeling myself
compelled thereto by the consideration that the scene I have described,
being, as it were, the first fruits of that unhappy dissension which
grew up among the New Lights, and a significant commentary thereon, it
may serve in the way of warning to all good Quodlibetarian Democrats who
may chance to peruse these pages, against the folly of ever allowing
themselves to have any individual opinions, when the leaders and
marshals of the party shall have taken the trouble off their hands of
thinking and determining for them. And, indeed, the moral may be carried
further. For it is obvious, if Jesse Ferret had acted in the spirit and
the intelligence of a true Quod, he would have ascertained the majority
and gone with it; instead of which, he intrenched himself behind this
fortress of neutrality, comprehended in the absurd dogma that a Publican
ought to have no sides. Undoubtedly, the true precept should be in all
cases of public servants, "Take the upper side." Thereon chiefly hangs
the Quodlibetarian theory.