BEING A SHORT HISTORY OF ELIPHALET FOX.
Eliphalet Fox's paper, "The Whole Hog," made its first appearance on the
day of the inauguration of President Van Buren. Bright were the omens
that heralded its birth. The lustrous orb of Jackson had just set in an
ocean of splendor. Happy old man! Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere
causas! In the glowing language of his own immortal valedictory, he left
"this great people prosperous and happy." That star of the second
magnitude, Martin Van Buren, first among the sidera minora, had just
risen. In the nearly equally immortal salutatory of this Sidus Minor, he
spake the words, "we present an aggregate of human prosperity surely not
elsewhere to be found." Fortunate omens, incomparable auspices! Under
these cheering signs "The Whole Hog" appeared upon the stage.
Never was paper more faithful to the Quodlibetarian theory. Never was
editor more richly endowed to sustain that theory than Eliphalet Fox. My
reader will doubtless expect that I should impart such gleanings of the
editor's life as my diligent researches have enabled me to collect. This
reasonable expectation shall be indulged.
Eliphalet Fox was one of those men whose career furnishes so remarkable
a commentary upon the beneficent character of our great Democratic
Quodlibetarian principle. His ancestors, two generations back, were
Federal and rich: in the last generation they were Federal and poor--a
transition strikingly natural and eminently illustrative of our free
institutions. Eliphalet was born in the town of Gabwrangle, in the
adjoining State. His education was circumscribed to the circle of
reading, writing, and arithmetic, which Eliphalet himself sometimes
jocosely describes as algebraically denoted by the signs of the three
Rs; to wit, Reading, Righting, and Rithmetic--a joke (mehercule) both
ingenious and new!
His parents being, as I may say, inops pecuniae, bound Eliphalet to a
trade; but handicraft was abhorrent to his genius. His temper was sour
and peevish; and though seemingly meek, even to a degree of asininity,
in his demeanor, yet it was early discovered that, upon occasion, he
could very deftly and nimbly, as the poet says, "unpack his heart with
words and fall to swearing like a very drab." This art was too valuable
in Eliphalet's time to go long without a patron; and, accordingly, after
he had worked four most reluctant years in a printing-office, to which
his respectable parents, thwarting the current of his genius, had
devoted him, he was discovered and taken by the hand by Mr. Theophilus
Flam, brother of the late Judge, and leader of the Federal party of
Gabwrangle. It was just before the war; and the party being hard set
upon by its enemies, had, like a cat surrounded by curs, thrown itself
upon its back, and essayed to defend itself, most cattishly, with claw
and tooth. And sharply, as we well know, did they fight. Eliphalet, in
this strife, played the part of a claw, showing most admirable spring
nails, though ordinarily hid, and therefore but little suspected in his
velvet paw. His position in this battle was that of conductor of "The
Gabwrangle Grimalkin," a cross-grained, querulous, tart and vinegarish
little folio, which hoisted the banner of Theophilus Flam, and swore in
his words. Eliphalet Fox, in consequence of the trusty position which
was thus confided to him, and still more by reason of a certain rabid
but laudable hatred of all who bore the name of Democrat, in those days,
(and here I would have my reader mark that a Democrat of 1812 was a very
different thing from a Democrat of this our day, especially from a true
Quodlibetarian Democrat,) rose to be a person of great consideration in
Gabwrangle. The party of Theophilus Flam, like our illustrious chief of
the new Democracy, Mr. Van Buren, made sturdy opposition to Madison and
his unrighteous war, and finally enjoyed the satisfaction of a complete
triumph over all their political adversaries in Gabwrangle, by an utter
route of the spurious Democrats who opposed them: a point of good
fortune which did not fall to the lot of our illustrious chief at
Kinderhook; since history records the disastrous fact that he, so far
from conquering, was obliged to give in, and was even unhappily
compelled, by the force of adverse winds, to go over to the majority,
(an event very distressing to his feelings,) when he found that that
majority was so obstinate as to refuse to come on his side: he was, if I
may so say, as it were, a prisoner-of-war, and acted under a vis major.
But at Gabwrangle--thanks to the persevering tongue and pen of Eliphalet
Fox!--it was all the other way; and "The Grimalkin," to the last,
enjoyed a most enviable renown as the bitterest reviler of Mr. Madison
and his doings.
Habit grows into an instinct, and as times change our habits are the
last to follow the fashion. It is only by referring to this deep-seated
principle of human nature, that I am able to account for the
extraordinary vituperation which Eliphalet Fox, at a later day, poured
upon the head of the Old Hero when he was brought out for President. The
Grimalkin, like all poison-concocting animals, grew more venomous as it
grew older; and were it not that Eliphalet has repented of this folly,
and amply atoned for its commission, I should blush to record the almost
savage ferocity, the altogether unpardonable acerbity, and, above all,
the thoroughly unquodlibetarian freedom with which he assailed the
purest man that in the tide of time--as another pure man has
remarked--ever appeared upon this terraqueous globe. But the truth is,
Eliphalet had fallen into _a habit_ of detraction, and did it without
thinking:--that is the best excuse that can be made for him. The old
Federalists of Gabwrangle, and, foremost among them, his master,
Theophilus Flam, soon corrected this unhappy proclivity, and gave him to
understand that he was on a wrong scent. They peremptorily, to their
great honor, insisted that from that day forth the Grimalkin must be
decent. The consequence of this was fatal to Eliphalet Fox--fatal at
least to his prosperity in Gabwrangle. Thenceforth the Grimalkin sunk
into insignificance. As the poet says, Othello's occupation was gone.
The subscribers grew testy and dropped off, under the influence of this
uncongenial decency exacted from the editor. Eliphalet borrowed money,
his habiliments grew shabby, he took up mean callings for the sake of
pelf, he became a spunge; he grew bilious, atrabilious, patriotic and
indignant. He went for REFORM--reform of the General Government, reform
of the State Constitution, reform of private manners, reform of public
observances. He took up an aversion to all kinds of respectability,
became a deadly enemy to every man who laid up any money--made this
sentiment a political question, talked of a division of property, called
Nature a stepmother, said sundry hard things about the persecution of
genius, and finally, one Sunday night, eloped from Gabwrangle, leaving
his fiscal responsibilities in a state of as much perplexity as that
into which these vile Whigs have brought those of the government. Alas,
for Eliphalet! little did he dream that out of this desolation and
dismay he was to pluck so bright a flower of prosperity as he now wears
in his bosom. All the hounds of the law--as he so eloquently painted it
to the New Light at our celebrated meeting--were set upon his track; but
grace to his better destiny! he eluded them. To twenty writs placed on
Monday morning in the sheriff's hands, that functionary made his
return on Tuesday evening, "Eloped under whip and spur out of the
bailiwick."--Oh, lucky Eliphalet!
In these straits the badgered patriot went to Washington; was
recognized by our distinguished representative, who, knowing that we
were in want of an editor fit to cope with The Whole Team, gave him a
warm letter of recommendation to Nicodemus Handy, and forthwith was
projected that famous movement, whereof I have already given the
history, and which has so auspiciously resulted in the establishment of
The Quodlibet Whole Hog.