the Publick, I shall make bold to mention a few of them; and they are
chiefly these, _Falsity_, _Absurdity_, and _Trifling_. We are
frequently amused with the _Lives_ and _Actions_ of Persons that were
never _born_; and with the _Deaths_ of those that never _liv'd_; and
large Estates devis'd by People that never enjoy'd them, nor indeed
ever claim'd any Right so to do.
An Author, in the _Morning_, gives us an Account of the Death of a
Person of Note and Eminence, whose Condition hath entitled him to a
Place in his Paper; he tells us the Place, Day, Hour, and the Minute
he expir'd, with a long detail of the Fortune and Merit he was
possessed of. A Writer for the _Evening_ enters his _Caveat_ against
some Particulars of the _Fact_, and declares his Brother hath had an
_ill Information_; for that the Party did not depart at the Time
mention'd in his Paper, and that himself only is in possession of the
truth; and avers, that it happen'd above half an Hour after that Time,
and at a different Place than what the other has reported it. The next
Day a Third starts up, with a grievous Complaint of the _Town's being
impos'd upon_, and triumphs in a more genuine and exact Account than
either of 'em. He insists upon it, that he did not fairly leave the
World till full fourteen Minutes and fifty nine Seconds after the time
both the others have brought it down to; and moreover maintains, that
the Demise in dispute happen'd at a Seat in the Country, and not at an
House in the Town, _as has been falsly publish'd in the other Papers_.
They are now all together by the ears about settling of the _Will_,
and disposing of the _Estate_. After a great deal of wrangling upon
those Heads, they begin to consider that the _Corpse_ must have
Christian Burial; they turn their Thoughts to that Point, and begin to
settle the _Funeral_. One Author is for _its lying in State_; another
will not come into it, but declares for a _private Interment_. At last
a Writer _buries it in a most magnificent manner_, in a Church some
Miles distant from _London_; and his Antagonist performs the _Funeral_
at another Church fifty Miles farther than that, and in a more _decent
way_. Next a Paper gives us the Names of those that supported the
_Pall_, together with who was the _chief Mourner_. This is so
provoking to him who could not lay hold on this _Intelligence in
time_, that he is resolv'd to be even with his Rival; so that the next
News we hear, are the Heads of the _Sermon_ that was preach'd at the
_Funeral_.
The Friends and Acquaintance of the _Deceas'd_, that may be remote
from the Town, and have nothing else to govern them but these
_Advices_, believe the main of them; and notwithstanding their
Perplexities and Variation, all credit the _Death_ of their old
_Friend_, and begin to descant on the Actions of his _Life_, some
conjecturing what he must have _died worth_, and what a Man he might
have been, was it not for such a Failing; and others, how long they
had remembred and been acquainted with him, _&c._
When the Story has gone this length, and begins to be old, and almost
obliterated, the News-Paper that was most forward in publishing it, to
the astonishment of all Mankind, cries out _peccavi_, and confesses
how he was _imposed on_; acknowledges _his Sorrow and Contrition_, and
_heartily begs Pardon of the Publick_, _and the Person_, whom he now
maintains to be _alive, and in good health_; and says, that _the
Report of his Death, as publish'd in his, and_ OTHER PAPERS, is
entirely _false, groundless, and without any manner of Foundation_.
There have been Instances of Women who have been frighten'd into
_Miscarriages_, and some even to _Death_, at the unexpected Visits of
their Friends, (whom, upon the _Credit_ of the Papers) they have
verily believed to have been as really dead as their great
Grandmothers were. A Lady of Quality, that is become superannuated, is
not to confine herself to Books of Devotion alone; People are not born
for themselves only; no, no, as ancient as she is, she must yet do
some Service to the Society. Says an Author, what, Shall _her Grace_
fancy herself as hail at Fourscore as she was at Forty? Accordingly,
he lends her his Hand, and she is led _very dangerously ill_ into his
Paper. The next Morning he is obliged to retract it, and so the
Publick are Gainers _two_ Paragraphs by it.
Nor shall a Lord _Spiritual_ or _Temporal_, that has attain'd his
Grand Climacterical Year, and yet remains in a good state of Mind and
Body, lie idle, but must occasionally be _extremely ill, attended by
sundry Physicians_, and _given over_; when a Dearth of Tales and
Tidings shall cause a Chasm in the Paper. The Persons so mention'd,
read these Relations themselves, and oftentimes with much pleasure,
because they receive a real Benefit by 'em: for they divert the Spleen
and Vapours, natural to old Age, and so prove a happy Means of
preserving them alive, much longer than some People perhaps may care
for.
A noble Lord, in a high Station, that is pretty far advanced in Years,
never rises from his Bed, but asks, _Am I in the Papers?_ For it has
been an Observation made by most People, that his Name has been made
use of for being _greatly indispos'd_; _finely mended_; _dangerously
relaps'd_; _in a fair way of Recovery_; _going to, and returning from
the Country_; and being _sent for by Expresses to assist at Councils_,
that have not been held, and _Boards_ that have not met, _on Business
of great Importance_, constantly _de Die in Diem_, in one Paper or
other, for several years together.
A Man may better venture to take a Purse from a Merchant upon
_Change_, than a _Judge_ to take an airing in his Coach, without being
taken into _Custody_ of a News-Writer for it. I have known them give
such minute Accounts of the times of the Judges _setting out_ for
this Place and from that Place in their private Capacities, that some
of them have actually suspended their Journeys, to prevent
Highway-mens taking the Hint, and lying in ambush for them on the
Roads.
I am told of a certain _Great Man_ who hath been most grosly affronted
and vilify'd by _certain Papers_ from Week to Week, Month to Month,
and from Year to Year, for a very long Series of Time; and who hath
publickly declar'd, that nothing shall provoke him to depart from a
Maxim which he has long laid down, _viz. That 'tis better one Man be
perpetually abus'd, than Thousands perish_.
About _Michaelmas_, an Author has told us in _Print_, he was _assured_
that _Christmas-Day would be on the 25th of_ December _following_. If
the Man has not been starv'd before the time, but surviv'd to St.
_Stephen_'s Day, and seen his wonderful Prediction happen and come to
pass; 'tis pleasant to observe, how he glories and exults in his next
Paper, telling us, _It is agreeable to what was formerly publish'd in
his, and in no other Paper_; and sets a high value on his Judgment for
anticipating his Brethren, the other Writers, who look like Fools at
one another, to see themselves thus jockey'd out of so _remarkable_ a
piece of _Intelligence_.
One Day we are told of a _Reform_ of the _Army_, and the next of a
_Promotion_ of _General Officers_. 'Tis merry enough to see a Colonel
of a Regiment in a Coffee-House, reading a News-Paper, that informs
him of a Gentleman being made _Lieutenant-Colonel to a Company of
Foot_; and of a _General_ of _Horse_ being promoted to the Rank of
_Captain-Lieutenant_ in his own Regiment; of which the Papers extant
have afforded us numberless Instances. We often read of some _Duke_,
who is called eldest Son and Heir apparent to a _Viscount_ or _Baron_,
going to, or returning from his Travels.
A dignify'd Clergyman, who had given a few Sacks of Coals amongst some
poor People in hard Weather, happen'd to come into _Brown_'s
Coffee-House in _Spring-Garden_, where some of the Gentlemen cry'd
out, _Doctor, you're in the Papers_. The Gentleman seem'd to be
greatly surprized at the thing: _What impudent Rascal has made free
with my Character?_ answers the Priest. Upon which one, with an
audible Voice, read out the Paragraph, which contained nothing more
than a fine Encomium on his Charity. The Doctor said, indeed there was
some _Truth_ in it; but then, _how impertinent it was in any Fellow to
make such a trifling Affair the Burden of his Paper_. This gave
occasion for various Reflections on the Papers in general. The
_Printer_ happen'd to be present, and heard himself, and others of his
Fraternity abused, in this manner for some time. Several Gentlemen
that were his Acquaintance, thought it far better to be silent, than
to interfere in his favour, because that might tend to expose him to
the Doctor's farther Clamour and Resentment. After the _Divine_ had
harangued the Company with a long _Discourse_ upon the Insolence of
Authors, Printers, and Publishers; the _Printer_ pull'd out of his
Pocket the _Copy_ from which this _injurious Article_ had been
printed, and which appear'd, to the entire Satisfaction of every one
present, to be the Doctor's own Hand-Writing. The Printer further
declar'd, that he knew no more of the matter, than that his Servants,
in his absence, receiv'd the usual Price of three Shillings and
Six-pence, for its being inserted in his Paper.
The Tricks which have been put upon the weak and credulous part of
Mankind during the Drawing of the late State-Lottery by letting out
what were called _Horses_ and _Chances_ to Women and Children, are
wonderful. There was a Gentlewoman, not far from St. _Dunstan_'s
Church in _Fleet-Street_, who having the Misfortune to fall in with
the Opinion of many, that the Tickets would still come down to _Par_,
had therefore neglected to provide herself till the Premiums were got
so high that she chose rather than purchase a _Ticket_, to put herself
_in Fortune's Way_ by _Riding_. Being recommended to the _honestest
Broker_ in the _Alley_, she got _mounted_ upon a very _odd Number_,
and one which had been successful in a former Lottery. She grew more
familiar with Morning and Evening Prayers than ever. One day she
fasted, another day feasted, and when a sturdy Beggar ask'd her
Assistance, they were not put off with _You're able to work_, but were
sure of Relief. Her Maids were treated as though they had been her
nearest Relations, and her Children could do nothing to ruffle her
Temper. In a word, she declared for nothing but Acts of Charity and
Piety, and never had such a Harmony been seen before in the Family. If
anyone knocked at the Door in haste, she grew pale, and was all over
in a Trembling, expecting it to be the _joyful News_; and, by way of
Precaution, she had spoke to a _Surgeon_ to be ready upon a short
Notice, because she intended to lose _a few Ounces_, to prevent the
Consequence of a _Surprize_. She kept _de die in diem_ renewing her
Ticket, upon the Information of a little blind Office whither the
Broker carried her, that it remain'd _undrawn_. Three Weeks past, and
she could hear no Tales or Tidings of either of the _Ten Thousands_,
notwithstanding the many thousand good things she vow'd to do, if
Madam _Fortune_ would but for once vouchsafe to become her humble
Servant; resolving not to be discouraged, because her _Dreams_ still
assured that there was some good thing in store for her in the
_Wheel_. She continued renewing her Ticket till the last Week of the
Drawing, when being advised to consult the Register at the
Lottery-Office in _Whitehall_, she had the sorrowful Satisfaction to
find how she had been abused, the _Ticket_ which she had hired for
thirty-two Days at the different Prices the _Horses_ bore, having been
drawn a _Blank_ the second day of the _Lottery_.
A little Lottery _of all Prizes and no Blanks_, for disposing of a few
Trifles, being put up by a Tradesman in the City, the highest Prize
was a _Pint Silver Mug_: any one might become an Adventurer for
Six-pence, and the Adventurers were to put their Hands in the Glass,
and draw the Tickets themselves. A Sharper having got amongst the
Croud, contrived a Ticket like those in the Glass, and wrote upon it a
_Pint Silver Mug_, and then dextrously concealing it in the Palm of
his Hand, put in to draw the Lot: the Ticket being opened, the Master
of the Lottery called him all the vile cheating Rogues, saying, he
would go before a Magistrate, and make Oath, that the Prize of the
_Silver Mug_ had never been put into the Glass.
There are many Persons subsisted merely by frequenting the most noted
_Ordinaries_ and _Eating-Houses_ where the second-hand sort of
Gentlemen resort; and there, when they find a better Sword, Hat or
Cane, than their own at leisure, make no scruple to bring them away,
and are oftentimes so ungenerous as not to leave their old ones in
lieu of them. The Persons who fall into this _Way of Life_, I have
observed, are for the most part of pretty voluble Tongues, and are
generally well versed in the Politicks and Histories of their own
Times, so as to be able to harangue a Company into a good opinion of
their Parts and Capacity; so that when they are taking Leave, to go
away, the Company may not regard the Pegs on which those Moveables
hang. They also appear decently dress'd, so as to avoid being
suspected of making a _Trade_ instead of a _Mistake_ when they are
detected in these Practices. I have known a large Number of People,
after they have heartily filled their Bellies with Beef and Pudding,
do notable Services to their Country; two or three have made Reprisals
upon the _Spanish Guard la Costa's_ in the _West-Indies_. Others have
reduced the Army, and added to the Sinking-Fund. Some have made a safe
and honourable Peace, and brought us all to rights at last; and after
all this Merit, be rewarded with the loss of their Hats, Canes and
Swords, and be forced to march out of a Cook's Shop like a Garrison
that has surrendred Prisoners at Discretion, when some of the
_Gentlemen_ of this _Profession_ have been amongst them.
A Gentleman-like Person being on a _Christmas-Day_ taking a Walk in
_Queen-Square_ near _Ormond-Street_, and observing a handsome Table
decked out with the best Damask Linnen, and a Side-Board richly
cover'd with Plate, _&c._ he concluded that an elegant Dinner must not
be very distant from those Preparations. Immediately a Coach,
containing two Ladies and a Gentleman, stopt at the Door: with an Air
of Vivacity he steps forward, and assists the Ladies in coming out of
the Coach, and after the mutual Civilities, they all enter the House
together, and are received and conducted by the Gentleman of the
Family into the Dining-Room; his Lady, Sisters, Daughters, and Nieces
are saluted by the _Gentlemen_ in the usual manner. Dinner is called,
and served up; and the _Stranger_ calls about him for Water, Wine, and
every thing he wanted, as though he had been intimately acquainted
with the Table. From the Discourse which passed, he became Master of
every one's Name present, and made use of them on proper Occasions;
and then by a short Story relating to a Rencounter, which he said he
was engaged in at _Paris_, the Company laid hold of his Name likewise,
and every one became jocose, free, and obliging to each other. When he
was called upon for his Toast, he named the most celebrated Beauties
of the Age, and the Healths of such Gentlemen as he found were
agreeable to the Ladies. In a word, he acquitted himself as became a
Man of Mode, and one who kept the best Company. Towards the Evening
the Conversation breaks up, and the Gentlemen with the two Ladies take
Leave, after a great many Compliments for their Entertainment; and the
strange Gentleman having helped to conduct the Ladies into their Coach
in the same manner as he had handed them out of it, they in Civility
desire to set him down, which he accepted of, and they heard no more
of him till they went again to dine at their Friend's House in
_Queen's-Square_, when the Gentleman of the House and all the Ladies
roundly rallied them for not bringing their Friend, the well-bred Mr.
---- with them to Dinner. They were more surprized, as supposing him
to have been an Intimate of the Family's, and had not seen him before
the time he had imposed himself upon all the Company for a Dinner.
A certain small Portion of the People obtain Food and Raiment by
plying closely the Avenues that lead into _St. James's Park_, and the
other privileged Places within the Verge of the Court; they appear
like Porters and Chairmen, and some like Operators for the Feet; and
have had such Experience in their Business, and are so well skill'd in
Physiognomy, that they know an _insolvent Person_ upon the first
sight. The severe Usage his Apparel has met with from the Bristles, or
else his conscious Countenance in the shy and suspicious Look he casts
over his Shoulder upon every one he hears treading behind him, are the
infallible Tokens by which they form their Judgment. Having pitch'd
upon their Man, they pursue him at a proper Distance, till they find
an Opportunity to speak with him alone, and then tell him a Person has
hired them to watch diligently the Route he shall take for that Day,
and upon giving notice thereof, they are to be rewarded; but that,
being an unfortunate Man himself, and owing much Money, he would not
for his Right-hand set a Gentleman into the hands of a Bailiff. The
Information carrying such an honest Face with it, cannot fail of being
received with due Gratitude. The Insolvent is now obliged to look to
himself, and instead of stealing to _Chelsea_ or _Kensington_ for a
little Air, is forced to confine himself to bad Punch and worse Wine
at some blind Hedge Coffee-house or Tavern within the Verge of the
Court. The Rascal by whom he has thus been impudently imposed upon and
terrified, never meets him but begs a Shilling or Six-pence; and
having brought, perhaps, a dozen unfortunate Gentlemen more under the
same Apprehensions, makes a comfortable Livelyhood of them.
Sometimes they are really employ'd by the Bailiffs to keep a Look-out
upon a Gentleman that is appointed to be unharboured; then they betray
their Masters by giving him timely Notice of what is intended, and so
get more by the Discovery than the Officer would have done by
executing the Writ.
A Gentleman had once taken Sanctuary in the Verge, but such pressing
Importunities were made to the _Green-Cloth_, that he was left to the
Mercy of his Creditors, if they could get him into their Power: As his
Debts were large, so large Rewards were offered to any Officer who
should undertake his Reprizal. A Bailiff for the Sum of Twenty Guineas
at last undertook the Job. The Insolvent confined himself close to his
Chamber, and had all his Eatables dressed at a Tavern: Having one
Night ordered an elegant Supper for a few Ladies at his Lodgings, the
Bailiffs got Intelligence of the Hour it was directed to be ready; and
having equipp'd himself with a black Callimanco-Waistcoat and
Napkin-Cap like a Cook, and his two Followers like Drawers, and
furnish'd themselves with cover'd Dishes, Plates, and every thing
necessary for Eating: A few Minutes before the time appointed they
were all admitted into the Chamber, the Ladies were all in a Hurry to
get themselves seated, crying _Supper was come_; but the Gentleman
perceiving the Cheat, was for taking to his Pistols, but they secured
and brought him off Prisoner to the County-Jayl immediately.
A Foreigner of Distinction, who had formerly made the Tour of
_England_, and during his Stay, had contracted very large Debts with
several Trades-People, happened a few Months since to return to
_London_: he chose to lodge privately, and seldom appeared abroad;
but, having purchased some Tickets in the State-Lottery, and entered
them at an Office in the City for an Account of their Success to be
transmitted to him; his Creditors got knowledge of his Arrival, and
the Place of his Abode. One Morning, when he was in a _Dishabilie_,
and playing with his Dog, a Sheriff's Officer _sans Ceremonie_ entered
the Room, and taking a Writ out of his Pocket, shew'd it to the
_Count_, telling him, _he arrested him in an Action for Five Hundred
Pounds_. The _Foreigner_ understanding but very little _English_, fell
to hugging the Bailiff in his Arms, and thrust eight Guineas into his
Hand as a Reward, thinking he had brought him the News of a Five
Hundred Pound Prize in the Lottery; and then capered about the Room
like a Dancing-Master, calling in _French_ to his _Valet_ and
_Interpreter_, who were in an adjacent Room, to come to partake of his
Joy. By this time three dirty Ruffians like Street-Robbers were at the
Chamber-door, and the whole House in an Uproar. The _Count_ was soon
convinced of his Error, and obliged to find Bail to the Action; and
there being none in the Room but the Bailiff and himself when the Writ
was executed, the Rascal absolutely denied the Present of _Eight
Guineas_, and got three more for his _Civility_, in not carrying him
out of the House.
A noted Town-Sharper being in Company with others of his Acquaintance,
and tossing about his Purse with Fifty Guineas in it, swore he must
make them an Hundred between Sun and Sun, or else he must be liable to
an Arrest, and go to Jayl for the Money. He went to his Lodgings in
_Westminster_, and taking off his Coat and Neckcloth, put on his
Night-Gown, and stuck a Pen under his Perriwig, and laying aside his
Hat, ordered a Hackney-Coach to be called to the Door; his Order was
to be set down at _Stocks-Market_, from thence he walked into a
Banker's Shop in _Lombard-Street_, and pointing towards one of the
neighbouring Lanes, said, there was an old whimsical Lady at his Shop
just come to Town, who had required him to get her fifty of _Queen
Anne_'s Guineas in Change of others to carry home with her into the
Country; and that, being an extraordinary good Customer, he could not
fail obliging her. The Banker's Servant answered, they had, no doubt,
a good number of them, but it would give him a great deal of Trouble
to tumble over the Cash to find 'em. Upon this the Sharper threw him
down three Half-Crowns as a Gratuity, and then several Bags of Gold
opened their Mouths upon the Compter: while the Servant was busy in
looking them out, the other was as busy to assist him, and every
Minute was darting his Hand upon the Heaps, crying, _Here's one:
there's another_, &c. and by the help of some Wax in the hollow of his
Hand, he drew away several Guineas every time, which he conveyed into
a Handkerchief he held in his Left-hand. When the Number was
compleated, they parted, with much Complaisance on each side: but when
the Banker came the next Morning to settle the Account of his Cash, he
found in his _Gold_ a Deficiency of _Sixty Guineas_.