Produced by Sankar Viswanathan and the Online Distributed
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Transcriber's Note:
The original spelling and capitalization of the
original book published in 1732 have been retained.
THE
TRICKS
OF
THE TOWN:
OR,
WAYS and MEANS
for getting _MONEY_.
WHEREIN
The various LURES, WILES, and ARTIFICES,
practised by the Designing and Crafty upon
the Weak and Unwary, are fully exposed.
Recommended to the serious Perusal of all
ADVENTURERS and SHARERS in _Bubble-Undertakings_, the
PURSUERS of _Pennyworths_, and _Bargain-Buyers_.
Chiefly collected from some Papers of the
Ingenious Mr. JOHN THOMSON,
scattered between _Laurence-Pountney's-Hill_ and _Dover_.
_LONDON_:
Printed for J. ROBERTS, near the
_Oxford-Arms_ in _Warwick-Lane_: And sold by the
Booksellers of _London_ and _Westminster_. 1732.
(Price One Shilling.)
* * * * *
THE
TRICKS of the TOWN;
OR
DIAMONDS _cut_ DIAMONDS.
My Son get Money, said a wiser Man than you or I, honest Reader: That
is the Precept; but he went no farther, leaving the Business of
_Committee Men_, _Ways and Means_, &c. to the peculiar Turn of
Thought, or Biass of Invention of every individual _Money-Getter_. Of
all the Methods made use of to attain this great End, I believe it
will be allow'd that he who gains his point the easiest way, is the
wisest Person: For instance, I know there are Mines of _Gold_ and
_Silver_ in _Peru_ and _Mexico_; but when one considers at what a very
inconvenient distance these are, and what Toils and Dangers must be
undergone before an _Ingot_ of either can be pocketed, what is to be
done in the Case? We cannot go to them, and they will not come to us.
In this plunge of Affairs, we resolve to pick it up by _Shillings_,
_Crowns_, _Guineas_, _Moidores_, &c. at home.
That the one half of this great over-grown Metropolis knows but little
how the other is truly supported, is a Maxim, I believe, older than
the Walls themselves; that a considerable number of Persons are daily
employed and kept in constant pay to go about damaging and destroying
all manner of wearing Apparel, when they can find an Opportunity of
doing it without any Inconveniences to themselves, is a Fact that will
admit of no manner of Dispute. I have been inform'd, that if a
_Coachman_ or _Carter_ can decently dash a _Gentleman_ or a _Lady_
that are richly dress'd, when they are walking the Streets, over their
Head and Ears, and make due Proof of the Fact, there is not a _Draper_
or _Mercer_ within half a Mile of the Place where the Exploit was
perform'd, but who will readily tip the Man a Shilling for his
Trouble.
Every body knows, that when a _Foot-Soldier_ was taken in the Court of
_Requests_ at _Westminster_, bedaubing a noble Lord's new Suit of
Clothes upon his Back, with a composition of Powders that in a Week's
time would have render'd them not worth the acceptance of his _Valet
de Chambre_; the _honest Man_, upon a very strict Examination before a
Magistrate, was at last brought, though with great reluctancy, to
confess his receiving a Salary of Thirty Pounds _per Ann._ from
certain _Drapers_, _Taylors_, and _Scowrers_, for those kinds of
Services.
A few Weeks since I happen'd into a very large promiscuous Company of
Gentlemen and Tradesmen, at a Tavern near the _Royal-Exchange_; I had
not been seated amongst them a Quarter of an Hour, before a Waiter
came to top the Candles, and let a Snuff fall upon the Sleeve of my
Coat, which instantly burnt a great hole in the Cloth. All the
Satisfaction I had, was in calling him careless Rascal, and his
begging my pardon. This was soon follow'd by a great Glass of Wine one
of the Company let fall upon the Table, which wetted three or four
Peoples Clothes pretty heartily. By and by a full Flask was overset,
which put half a dozen more of us into the same pickle; so that
nothing was heard for some time, but, _Sir, I am heartily sorry_; _I
beg your pardon_; _Mischances will happen, but I hope it won't stain_;
and the like. We were all up from our Chairs, wiping and cleaning one
another. We were no sooner got into order again, and begun to be
merry, forgetting what was past, but Supper came to be set upon the
Table; when the Cook, in handing a Dish of Fish over our Shoulders,
let fall the Bason, with all the Sauce in it, upon half a score of us.
We now were in a worse Condition than ever, and all got upon our Legs
again in the utmost Confusion and Disorder; and with rumbling and
tumbling about, a huge Pewter Piss-pot, with about half a dozen
Gallons of Urine in it, was thrown down from its Stand. I got a Pocket
full to my share, and there were few of the Company but what had their
Dividends of it. Bless me, says I, sure never such a Series and Train
of Disasters fell out so before. In short, I could stand it no longer,
but paid my Shot, and came away with my Clothes in such a condition,
that I had scarce ever seen the like, and was forc'd to give them away
the next Morning. In a Day or two after, I was thoroughly satisfied
with the real Cause of these _Accidents_, _viz._ that the House in
which I had met with this Mischief, was entirely supported by
_Woollen Drapers_, _Taylors_, and _Button-sellers_; and that we had
got several of 'em that Night in our Company.
Women of Quality and Fashion will perhaps think themselves no ways
liable to any of these Mischances; but I shall convince them, that
howsoever secure they may imagine themselves to be from them by their
Coaches and Chairs, and other Accommodations, they are yet to be come
at by some People they are not well aware of. There are few Women of
any Fashion, that make a tolerable Figure in the _Beau Monde_, but
what have a continual clatter of Manteaumakers, Milliners, and
Sempstresses about their Ears; besides Tire-Women, and Fortune-Tellers
by Coffee-Grounds; together with a Train of Chamber-maids, and old
Housekeepers, who have got married, and are permitted to visit the
Families they once lived in. These, with a Croud of Midwives,
Twelve-penny Lottery-Women, and other _How d'ye do_ People, are for
ever plaguing them with this new Fancy and Pattern, and recommending
such and such Persons to their Custom for Teas, China, and Trumpery.
And while a Story is telling of who's a going to be Married, who is
brought to Bed, or who has Miscarried, down goes the Cup and Saucer,
and the Tea all over her Ladyship's Petticoat; then do they _curse
their unlucky Hands_, and beg _ten thousand Pardons for the
Mischance_; and threaten to go to _India_, but they will match the
Set, so as not to be distinguish'd by the nicest Judgment. The whole
Suit of Clothes, perhaps, becomes the Perquisite of my Lady's Woman,
and the Set of China is not to be match'd in the Kingdom. The Dealers
soon get Intelligence of the Accident, from the _Person_ by whose
Hands it was done; and the Lady is teaz'd almost to death with People
shewing her new _Sets_, new _Patterns_, and what not: and as soon as
she has purchased, the Gossip, by whose dextrous Management the
Traffick was brought about, not only begs and gets the damaged Set of
China for herself, but moreover receives a Moiety out of the
Shopkeeper's Profit who sold the new Set; as well as Poundage from the
Mercer, for what he shall sell the Lady. I knew a Woman of Quality who
was so strangely pester'd with this kind of _Visitants_, that she
could never keep a clean Manteau to her Tail, nor a complete Set of
China to her Tea-Table; and yet continued so incredulous, as not to be
persuaded that there was any _Art_ and _Design_ in the _Disasters_
that so frequently happen'd to her.
How many great Ladies have had their Gown-Tails cut from their
Backsides at Balls and Operas, not so much for the sake of what Profit
could be made of them, as has been apparent, but for the promoting of
Trade and Commerce; and have return'd home in Jackets, like _Dutch_
Burgomasters Wives, to their Families?
The _Methods_ made use of to _Gripe_, _Surfeit_, _Cholick_, and
otherwise disorder the Bodies of Children, as well as _Persons_ of
riper Years, in order to render them due Objects of _Advice_ and
_Physick_, I believe are obvious enough to every ingenious Person who
is conversant with Families, and the Streets of _London_. What Person
is there, of common Humanity amongst us, but must look with the
utmost Grief and Concern upon that intolerable number of
_Wheel-barrows_, _Stands_, and _Benches_, which are so industriously
ranged and disposed thro' all the _Streets_, _Lanes_, and _Alleys_ of
the Town, retailing various Kinds of damaged and unwholesome Fruits to
the Passengers? all which manifestly tend to destroy the Healths of
those who are weak enough to purchase them, and oftentimes are the
Cause of epidemical Diseases.
I hope none of my Readers will be so uncharitable as to suggest that
there is a Combination amongst _Quacks_, _Apothecaries_ or _Druggists_;
for furnishing these _moving Shopkeepers_ with _Barrows_, _Baskets_,
Money to purchase unwholesome Fruit, or any other Necessaries and
Conveniences for carrying on this dangerous Traffick with the middling
People: but thus much must be said, that we generally find them posted
at, or near the Doors and Shops of those _Traders_. And then, what a
horrible Squall and Outcry is there, according to the Season, of _Green
Goosberries by the Gallon_, _Cherries by the Pound_, _Plumbs by the
Hat-full_, _Cucumbers by the Dozen_, and _rare lumping Half-penny-worths
of Pears, Pippins, and Pearmains_, &c. The People are constantly
complaining of Disorders they produce, but cannot refrain from them,
because they are, as it were, thrust down their Throats in this manner;
and when _Advice_ is had, the Patient is rarely told that his Malady
proceeded from the real Cause, but that _Fruit is held to be good and
cooling to the Blood at all Times and Seasons, and by all Countries and
Constitutions_. Thus the _Patient_ repeats his Poison, the _Prescriber_
his Fees, and the _Apothecary_ his Potion. I once catch'd an
_Apothecary_ at the side of a Wheel-barrow enquiring of a dirty Hussey
what Quantities of _Goods_ she had disposed of for a Day or two;
doubtless that he might thereby proportion the Quantity of his
_Medicines_ suitable to the Execution her _Trash_ must have done amongst
his Neighbours.
Another time I saw a Physician vouchsafe to descend from his Chariot
to become an Advocate in the open Street for a Flat-Cap Retailer of
_Golden Rennets_, who had caus'd a great Riot at a Door she was
permitted to place her _Barrow_ against, and pleaded as strenuously
for her Continuance at it, as a Barrister would have done for a Fee of
five Guineas; urging, among other Reasons, the _Cruelty_, and _what an
unchristian Action it would be in any one to obstruct a poor Wretch in
procuring a small Livelihood in an honest industrious Way_. This
Argument had the more Weight with the People, because every one was
surprized to hear so humane a Sentiment from a Practitioner in
Physick.
Some Shopkeepers Wives being got together at a Merry-making, an
Apothecary's _Mortar-piece_ of the Company was complaining of the bad
Situation her Husband's Affairs would have been in, if that it had not
pleased G--d the _Apricots, Plumbs and Nectarins had turned out vastly
bad and plentiful this Year_.
Sometimes when the Mischiefs arising from unwholesome Fruits are too
apparent, and a general Outcry is raised by Nurses and Old Women
against People's indulging themselves too freely in them; then Care is
taken to conceal the _Poison_ under little kind of _Crusts_ in the
nature of _Pyes_ and _Tarts_: and besides what are sold in great
Shops, itinerant Pastry-Cooks are dispersed all over the City and
Suburbs to tempt liquorish Women and Children to become the Properties
of an Apothecary's Shop.
Many there are, who would be inclined to think it something romantick,
when I venture to assure them, that above an hundred Families in and
about this City and Suburbs are actually supported and maintain'd by
no other Means than those of _stealing Dogs_ from the Doors and Houses
of Persons of Quality and Condition; and that Children are actually
put forth Apprentice for a certain Term of Years, and have Money given
with them, to be instructed in this _Art and Mystery_.
We see, that when some of these _innocent Animals_ are missing, what a
Value is set upon them, by the round Sums offer'd by publick
Advertisement. How many great Ladies are there, that would sooner be
reconcil'd to the death of a Child, or a near Relation, than to that
of a favourite Lap-Dog? And how often have we seen Families in deep
Mourning on these _sad Occasions_? From Air to Air, and from Mineral
to Mineral, have they been shifted upon the slightest Disorder. I have
known a tip-top Physician sent for by an Express, and several Sets of
Horses laid on the Road for him, to go with the utmost Expedition to
visit a Lap-Dog that has been only ill of a sullen Fit, or so, in
_Yorkshire_. A Woman of the first Quality, who, when all other
Remedies fail'd her, found great Benefit by Walking, was obliged to
give over that beneficial Exercise, for no other reason, forsooth, but
that her favourite Dog could not keep pace with her, and what was
found to be advantageous to her Constitution, was detrimental to his.
The _Artificers_ who make a _Livelihood_ by decoying these _pretty
Puppets_ away, for the sake of the _Guineas_ and _Half Guineas_ that
are usually given for their recovery to the Owners, are fond to pay a
close and diligent Attendance near the Doors of such Houses where they
are held in the highest Estimation, and at the most proper Seasons.
Four in the Afternoon is deem'd a good Hour for a Dog of Quality and
Distinction: _The dear pretty Soul_ has had a good Meal, and a
thousand Kisses bestow'd on him; and my Lady, perhaps, has been too
free with her _Clary_ after Dinner, and so is gone to take a Nap. The
Valet is kissing her Woman behind the Skreen in the Dining-Room: In
the mean time, _Jewel_ trips down stairs into the Hall, while the
Porter is down in the Kitchen at a Horse-Laughter with the Footmen and
Maids, and the Door committed to the Care of some drunken Chairman, or
poor Fellow out of Place; and a poor-looking Creature is peeping in,
under pretence of asking Charity. The Dog is instantly snapp'd up, and
convey'd away under an old louzy Great-Coat, or a greasy Ridinghood,
to some filthy Cellar or Garret. By and by my Lady wakes, and wants
her _Companion_: 'Sdeath and Fireballs, the House is search'd from top
to bottom, as tho' a Warrant for High-Treason was got into it. Mrs.
_Abigail_ has warning given her, and the _Porter_ is turn'd out of
doors. Every thing is in the greatest Confusion, and nothing but fear
and sorrow appears upon every Countenance. The Footmen and Stablemen
are dispatch'd, like Madmen, North, East, West, and South. The
Trades-People, not immediately knowing the Occasion of this sudden
Consternation, send from all Corners, and hope _my Lord and Lady are
well_. Next Morning the Crier and the News-Papers go to work. My Lady
sees no Company, forbears Plays and Operas, and every Room of the
House looks as if a pestilential Distemper was raging in the Family.
Towards the close of the Evening, a Fellow in a _Soldier's Coat_, with
the Dog very carefully wrapp'd up in one of the Lappets, is knocking
at the Door. A Reprieve to a Malefactor the Morning of Execution, or
the News of a rich Father's Death to an extravagant Heir, cannot be
more welcome than two or three _Yelps_ of the _absent Animal_ shall be
to all the Servants: Happy is that Servant who has the good fortune
first to carry the glad Tidings to my Lady. The Fellow tells a long
Story of his being at his Post in St. _James's Park_, and of his
seeing the Dog under a Woman's Arm; and how he suspected her coming
honestly by it, and what Fatigues and Difficulties he met with in
wresting the poor Creature from her: How the Mob took part against
him, and the risque he run of being sent to the _Savoy_; with twenty
other Falsehoods, all which are greedily swallowed: Every Face, with
Tears of Joy, standing with great Faith and Patience to hear his
impudent Narration of the great Dangers that the poor _little
Creature_ and _himself_ had escaped. The Thief receives the _Reward_,
with perhaps a _Guinea_ over, and goes away loaded with Applauses and
Blessings, for restoring Peace and Tranquillity in the Family.
The _Dogs_ that belong to private Families, and Shopkeepers, the
proper time for _setting_ them is generally soon after Seven in the
Morning, when the Maid neglects her _Entry_ and the _Stairs_ for a
Conversation with the Baker's Journeyman, or her Master's Prentice;
and a general _Tete-a-Tete_ of all the Mops and Brooms in the
Neighbourhood is going forward; and a Sash Window, or a Street Door
left carelesly open, whereby an opportunity is given for _Tray_ to be
trick'd out of House and Home by a bit of Meat, that is generally
shewn him as a Bait for that purpose. _Half a Guinea_ for bringing him
home is repeated three or four times in the Advertisements, and then a
_Guinea_ once or twice more; so that about Forty Shillings must be
expended, before the poor _Fool_ shall be put into _statu quo_.
In the Evening, when the Ladies are going to make their Visits, their
_pretty Favourites_ are too apt to follow them from the Parlour to the
Street Door; and if their _Guardians_ and _Trustees_ are not
sufficiently upon the watch, a Person under pretence of wanting Alms,
shall not only mump Money, but carry off their _Ward_ into the
bargain.
When Service is over at the Churches and Meeting-Houses on a _Sunday_,
we find a great many Hands at work plying the Doors and Avenues; in
hopes of picking up now and then one of these straggling _Gentry_: For
there are very staunch _Church_-Folks, as well as rigid _Presbyterians_
of this Species; and I have seen some of them, whose Zeal has
transported them so far, as to render themselves liable to the Penalty
of Twenty Pounds, in disturbing a Preacher by loudly snarling at him,
when they have been pleased not to approve of his Countenance or
Doctrine.
The _Quakers_ may entertain a great many of them at their Habitations,
but I believe, have few or none that can be truly said to be of their
Persuasion; for I could never learn that any were ever affected with
their Principles, and much less frequented their Places of Religious
Worship.
Those honest City-Tradesmen and others, who so lovingly carry their
Wives and Mistresses to the neighbouring Villages in Chaises to regale
them on a _Sunday_, are seldom sensible of the great Inconveniences
and Dangers they are exposed to: for besides the common Accidents of
the Road, there are a Set of regular Rogues kept constantly in Pay to
incommode them in their Passage; and these are the Drivers of what are
called _Waiting Jobbs_, and other _Hackney Travelling-Coaches_ with
Sets of Horses, who are commissioned by their Masters to annoy, sink,
and destroy all the single and double Horse-Chaises they can
conveniently meet with, or overtake in their Way, without regard to
the Lives or Limbs of the Persons who travel in them. What Havock
these industrious Sons of Blood and Wounds have made within twenty
Miles of _London_ in the Compass of a Summer's Season, is best known
by the Articles of Accidents in the common News-Papers: The miserable
Shrieks of Women and Children not being sufficient to deter the
Villains from doing what they call _their Duty to their Masters_; for
besides their Daily or Weekly Wages, they have an extraordinary stated
Allowance for every Chaise they can _reverse_, _ditch_, or _bring by
the Road_, as the Term or Phrase is.
I heard a Fellow, who drove a hired Coach and four Horses, give a long
Detail of a _hard Chace_ he gave last Summer to a Two-Horse Chaise,
which was going with a Gentleman and three Ladies to _Windsor_. He
said he first came in view of the Chaise at _Knights-Bridge_, and
there put on hard after it to _Kensington_; but that being drawn by a
Pair of good Cattle, and the Gentleman in the Seat pretty expert at
driving, they made the Town before him; and there stopping at a
Tavern-Door to take a Glass of Wine, he halted also, and whistled for
his Horses to _stale_: but the Chaise not yet coming on, he affected
another Delay, by pretending that one of his Horses had taken up a
Stone, and so dismounting, as if to search, lay by, till the _Enemy_
had passed him; that then they kept a _Trot on_ together to
_Turnham-Green_, when the People suspecting his Design again, put on:
that he then whipp'd after them _for dear Blood_, thinking to have
done their Business between that Place and _Brentford_. But here he
was again disappointed, for the two Horses still kept their Courage,
till they came between _Longford_ and _Colnbrook_, where he plainly
perceived 'em begin to droop or _knock up_, and found he had then a
sure Game on't. He went on leisurely after them, till both Parties
came into a narrow Lane, where there was no Possibility of an Escape,
when he gave his Horses a sudden Jerk, and came with such Violence
upon the People, that he pull'd their Machine quite over. He said, the
Cries of the Women were so loud that _the B--ches might be heard to
his Master's Yard in_ Piccadilly; that there being no-body near to
assist the People, he got clear off with two or three blind old Women
his Passengers some Miles beyond _Maidenhead_, safe both from Pursuit
and Evidence.
I have been credibly informed, that many of the Coachmen and
Postillions belonging to the Quality are seduced by the Masters of the
Travelling-Coaches to involve themselves in the Guilt of this
monstrous Enormity, and have certain Fees for dismounting Persons on
single Horses, and over-turning Chaises, when it shall suit with their
Convenience to do it with _Safety_, (that is, within the Verge of the
Law;) and in case of an _Action_ or _Indictment_, if the Master or
Mistress will not stand by their Servant, and believe the Mischief was
merely accidental, the Offender is then defended by a general
Contribution from all the Stage-Coach Masters within the Bills of
Mortality.
Those Hackney-Gentlemen who drive about the City and Suburbs of
_London_, have by their over-grown Insolence obliged the Government to
take notice of them, and make Laws for their Regulation; and as there
are Commissioners for receiving the Tax they pay to the Publick, so
those Commissioners have Power to hear and determine between the
Drivers and their Passengers upon any Abuse that happens: and yet
these ordinary Coachmen abate very little of their abusive Conduct,
but not only impose in Price upon those that hire them, but refuse to
go this or that way as they are call'd: whereas the Law obliges them
to go wherever they are legally required, and at reasonable Hours.
This Treatment, and the particular saucy impudent Behaviour of the
Coachmen in demanding _t'other Twelver or Tester_ above their Fare,
has been the occasion of innumerable Quarrels, Fighting and Abuses;
affronting Gentlemen; frighting and insulting Women; and such
Rudenesses, that no civil Government will, or indeed ought to suffer;
and above all, has been the occasion of the killing several Coachmen
by Gentlemen that have been provoked by the villainous Tongues of
those Fellows beyond the Extent of their Patience. Their intolerable
Behaviour has rendered them so contemptible and odious in the Eyes of
all Degrees of People whatever, that there is more Joy seen for one
Hackney-Coachman's going to the Gallows, than for a Dozen Highway-men
and Street-Robbers.
The Driver of a Hackney-Coach having the Misfortune to break a Leg and
an Arm by a Fall from his Box, was rendred incapable of following that
Business any longer; and therefore posted himself at the Corner of one
of the principal Avenues leading to _Covent-Garden_ with his Limbs
bound up to the most advantageous Manner to move the Passengers to
Commiseration. He told his deplorable Case to all, but all passed
without Pity; and the Man must have inevitably perish'd, had it not
come into his head to shift the Scene and his Situation. The
Transition was easy, he whipt on a Leathern-Apron, and from a
_Coachman_ became a poor _Joiner_, with a Wife and four Children, that
had broke his Limbs by a Fall from the Top of a House. Showers of
Copper poured daily into his Hat, and in a few Years he became able to
purchase many _Figures_, as well as Horses; and he is now Master of
one of the most considerable Livery-Stables in _London_.
The next are the _Watermen_; and indeed the Insolence of these, though
they are under some Limitations too, is yet such at this time, that it
stands in greater need than any other of severe Laws, and those Laws
being put in speedy execution. A few Months ago, one of these very
People being Steers-man of a Passage-Boat between _Queenhithe_ and
_Windsor_, drowned fifteen People at one time; and when many of them
begg'd of him to put them on Shore, or take down his Sails, he
impudently mock'd them, ask'd some of the poor frighted Women, if they
were afraid of going to the Devil; and bid them say their Prayers:
then used a vulgar Water-Phrase which such Fellows have in their
Mouths, _Blow Devil, the more Wind the better Boat_. A Man of a very
considerable Substance perishing with the rest of the unfortunate
Passengers, this Villain, who had saved himself by swimming, had the
surprizing Impudence to go the next Morning to his Widow, who lived at
_Kingston_ upon _Thames_. The poor Woman, surrounded with a number of
sorrowful Friends, was astonished to think what could be the occasion
of the Fellow's coming to her; but thinking he was come to give some
Account of her Husband's Body being found, at last she condescended to
see him. After a scurvy Scrape or two, the Monster very modestly
_hoped his good Mistress would give him half a Crown to drink her
Health, by way of Satisfaction for a Pair of Oars and a Sail he had
lost the Night before, when he had drowned her Husband_.
I have many times pass'd between _London_ and _Gravesend_ with these
Fellows; when I have seen them, in spite of the shrieks and cries of
the Women, and the persuasions of the Men-Passengers, and indeed, as
if they were the more bold by how much the Passengers were the more
afraid; I say, I have seen them run needless hazards, and go as it
were within an Inch of Death, when they have been under no necessity
of it: and if not in contempt of the Passengers, it has been in meer
laziness, to avoid their rowing. And I have been sometimes oblig'd,
especially when there have been more Men in the Boat of the same Mind,
so that we have been strong enough for them, to threaten to cut their
Throats, to make them hand their Sails, and keep under Shore, not to
fright, as well as hazard the Lives of the Passengers, when there was
no need of it. But I am satisfied, that the less frighted and timorous
their Passengers are, the more cautious and careful the Watermen are,
and the least apt to run into Danger. Whereas, if their Passengers
appear frighted, then the Watermen grow saucy and audacious, show
themselves venturous, and contemn the Dangers they are really expos'd
to.
_Set one Knave to catch another_, is a proverbial Saying of great
Antiquity and Repute in this Kingdom. Thus the vigilant _Vintner_,
notwithstanding all his little Arts of base Brewings, abridging his
Bottles, and connecting his Guests together, does not always reap the
Fruits of his own Care and Industry. Few People being aware of the
underhand Understandings and Petty-Partnerships these Sons of
_Benecarlo_ and _Cyder_ have topp'd upon them; and the many other
private Inconveniences that they, in the course of their Business, are
subjected to. Now, to let my Readers into this great _Arcanum_ or
Secret, I must acquaint them, that nothing is more certain and frequent
than for some of the principal Customers to a Tavern, to have a secret
Allowance, by way of Drawback, of Six-pence or Seven-Pence, nay
sometimes I have heard of Eight-pence, on every Bottle of Port-Wine that
themselves shall drink, or cause to be drank in the House, and for which
they have seemingly paid the full Price of two Shillings; and so are a
sort of _Vintners in Vizards_, and _Setters of Society_. These are
mostly sharping Shopkeepers, who, by being considerable Dealers, hold
numbers of other inferiour Trades-people in a State of Dependency upon
them; Officers of Parishes; old season'd Soakers, who by having serv'd
an Age to Tippling, have contracted a boundless Acquaintance;
House-Stewards; Clerks of Kitchens; Song-Singers; Horse-Racers; Valet de
Chambres; Merry Story-Tellers, Attorneys and Sollicitors, with Legions
of wrangling Clients always at their Elbows. Wherefore, as they have got
the Lead upon a great part of Mankind, they are for ever establishing
Clubs and Friendly-Societies at Taverns, and drawing to them every Soul
they have any Dealings or Acquaintance with.
The young Fellows are mostly sure to be their Followers and Admirers,
as esteeming it a great Favour to be admitted amongst their _Seniors_
and _Betters_, thinking to _learn to know the World and themselves_.
One constant Topick of Conversation, is the _Civility of the People,
the diligent Attendance_, together with the _Goodness of the Wines,
and Cheapness of the Eatables_; with a Side-wind Reflection on another
House. And if at any time, when the Wine is complain'd of, it is
answer'd with _Peoples Palates are not at all times alike; my Landlord
generally hath as good, or better, than any one in the Town_. And
oftentimes the poor innocent _Bottle_, or else the Cork, falls under a
false and heavy Accusation.
In a Morning there is no passing thro' any part of the Town, without
being _Hemm'd_ and _Yelp'd_ after by these Locusts from the Windows of
Taverns, where they post themselves at the most convenient Views, to
observe such Passengers as they have but the least knowledge of; and
if a Person be in the greatest haste, going upon extraordinary
Occasions, or not caring to vitiate his Palate before Dinner, and so
attempts an Escape, then, like a Pack of Hounds, they join in full Cry
after him, and the Landlord is detach'd upon his Dropsical Pedestals,
or else a more nimble-footed Drawer is at your Heels, bawling out,
_Sir, Sir, 'tis your old Friend Mr. Swallow, who wants you upon
particular Business_.
The Sums which are expended daily by this Method, are realy
surprizing. I knew a Clerk to a Vestry, a Half-pay Officer, a Chancery
Sollicitor, and a broken Apothecary, that made a tolerable good
Livelihood, by calling into a Tavern all their Friends that passed by
the Window in this manner. Their Custom was to sit with a Quart of
White-_Port_ before them in a Morning; every Person they decoy'd into
their Company for a Minute or two, never threw down less than his
Six-pence, and few drank more than one Gill; and if two or three
Glasses, he seldom came off with less than one Shilling. The Master of
the House constantly provided them with a plain Dinner, _gratis_. All
Dinner-time they kept their Room still, in full view of the Street,
and so sate _catching Gudgeons_, (as they used to call it) from
Morning till Night; when, besides amply filling their own Carcasses,
and discharging the whole Reckoning, they seldom divided less than
seven or eight Shillings a Man _per Diem_.
Some People, unacquainted with this _Fellow-feeling_ at Taverns, often
wonder how such a one does to hold it; that he spends a confounded
deal of Money, is seldom out of a Tavern, and never in his Business:
when, in reality, he is thus never out of his Business, and so helps
to run away with the chief Profits of the House.
Nor are these all the Hardships many of the Vintners lie under; for
besides, their Purses must too often stand a private Examination
behind the Bar, when any of these sort of Customers Necessities shall
require it.
'Tis such Dealings drive the poor Devils to all the little Shifts and
Tricks imaginable. I went one day into a Tavern near _Charing-Cross_,
to inquire after a Person whom I knew had once us'd the House: The
Mistress being in the Bar, cry'd out, _What an unfortunate thing it
was, Mr. ---- being that instant gone out of the House, and was
surprized I did not meet him at the Door; but that he had left Word he
expected a Gentleman to come to him, and would return immediately._ I
staid the sipping of two or three Half-pints, and begun to shew some
uneasiness that he did not come according to her Expectation; when she
again _wonder'd at it_, saying, _it was just one of his Times of
coming; for that he was a worthy good Gentleman, and constantly
whetted four or five times in a Morning_. At length, being out of all
patience, I paid, and went to my Friend's House, about twenty Doors
farther; where his Wife inform'd me, _he had been gone about three
Months before to_ Jamaica.
The Bankruptcies so frequently happening among the Sons of _Bacchus_,
are doubtless to be attributed chiefly to such Leeches as I have been
describing, lying so closely upon them; and then an innocent
industrious Man is to be call'd forsworn Rogue, Villain, and what not;
and to be told that he hath affected a Failure, to sink a dozen or
fourteen Shillings in the Pound upon his Creditors, when, in reality,
he hath not a single Shilling left in the World; and shall oftentimes
be oblig'd to become a common Waiter to a more fortunate Fellow, and
one perhaps too, that he once had thoughts of circumventing in his
Business and Trade, by no other means, than a more humble and
tractable Behaviour.
A Vintner, who has been look'd upon by all Mankind to have been a
20,000_l._ Man at least, hath died not worth Eighteen-pence; and then
the poor Wretch has been worried to his Grave, with the Character of a
private Whore-master or Gamester.
A few Years since _Peter Dapper_ came into a naked and ruin'd
Bawdy-House Tavern in the heart of the City; he resolv'd upon a
thorough Reformation of its Customs and Manners, and when a Male and
Female came in together, he order'd his Servants to shew them into the
open Kitchen. He declar'd that he would make no difference or
distinction in the Price of his Wines, but would be above-board with
all Mankind. He redress'd the exorbitant Grievances of the _Gridiron_
and the _Spit_, and protested his Heart and his Larder free and open
to all that should vouchsafe to visit either. He invited all the
single Mercers, Druggists, and Drapers, that lived within sight of his
_Bush_, to eat a piece of Mutton with him every Day at Noon, and upon
the removal of the Cloth, _Peter_ proclaim'd a free general Indemnity
and Oblivion for all the Mischief their Forks and Knives had done to
two or three substantial Dishes that stood before them. By these, and
other uncommon Acts of Generosity, he rais'd the Reputation of his
House to a greater pitch than any other in the Neighbourhood, and
reap'd the Fruits of his own Labours and Ingenuity. _Peter_, in a few
Years, having laid hands on a good number of Acres, and got an
Equipage about his Ears, has now very fairly turn'd his A--se upon all
the Taverns in the Kingdom.
A certain great BANKER, whose Name it is altogether needless to
mention, (the Fact being too well known to many Peoples Misfortune)
having by some indiscreet Management greatly hurt his Reputation, and
several Stories of a suspicious nature, tending to depreciate his
Character, being whisper'd about; which coming in time to his
knowledge, he thought of a notable Device to prevent the Consequences
that generally ensue on those occasions to Persons in his way of Life.
His first step was to order Glaziers and Painters to new-ornament his
House in the most genteel manner. He next hurried to the _Pool_, and
order'd in about a hundred Chaldrons of Coals, tho' it was the warm
Season of the Year. These _Circumstances_ seem'd to _demonstrate_ a
Continuance in his House, and for three or four Days together, when
the People came either to draw, or bring their Cash, their was scarce
a possibility of getting into the Shop, for a number of dirty Fellows
who were incessantly carrying Sacks of Coals on their Backs to the
Cellars. The Stratagem succeeded even beyond expectation; the
Creditors Apprehensions clear'd up, and one ridicul'd another for
their _foolish_ and _ill-grounded_ Fears. The _Run_ that was begun to
be made, not only ceased, but numbers of Strangers now thought fit to
constitute him the _Custode_ of their Fortunes; and the Man was look'd
upon to be one of the most flourishing of his Business in the City,
and his Credit equal to that of the _Bank of England_. This went on
for about a Fortnight or three Weeks longer, when this pains-taking
Tradesman thought fit to shut up his Shop, and rub off with
100,000_l._ of his Creditors Money to _Antwerp_.
Another time a young Fellow, with a pitiful Patrimony, open'd a
LINNEN-DRAPER'S Shop in the heart of the City; his Stock was equal to
his Fortune, and, like most raw unexperienc'd Persons, his Soul vastly
bigger than both. Tho' he set out with great Ambition, he condescended
to bow to all the Fair-Sex who pass'd his Door in Coaches or on Foot;
his Success was humble, for he bowed to little purpose. Revolving
Quarters, with Rent and Taxes, were his principal Customers. These,
together with the apprehensions of his being soon named with other of
his Majesty's loving Subjects in the _London Gazette_, gave him great
Pain and Anxiety. One Morning he bless'd himself for a lucky Dog,
having arose from his Pillow with the most happy Thought that had ever
enter'd his Head. He call'd for Pen, Ink, and Paper, and enjoining his
Journeyman Secrecy, went to his Compting-House, and drew up a Paper to
the Effect following: _viz._ "_Whereas there was, on the 10th Day of
this Instant October, dropp'd in the Shop of Mr._ Probity,
Linnen-Draper, _at the ...... in_ Cheapside, London, _a green Silk
Purse, in which was contain'd a large Rose Diamond Ring, a great
number of pieces of Foreign Gold, together with sundry Notes,_ &c. _of
great value; whoever will apply to the said Mr._ Probity, _and prove
their Property to the same, shall have it restor'd them, on paying
only the Charge of this Advertisement._"
This he caused to be printed in all the publick News-Papers, and
although there was no such Purse lost, and consequently no Claim
made, the Action was cry'd up through the Town as the most just and
laudable that was ever done by a Citizen, and particularly by a young
Beginner; some saying, _How many were there in the World that would
have been silent enough on such an occasion?_ And others, _Ay, Ay; if
it were not for some such honest People left amongst us, the World
would never stand._ Trade and Business now flow'd in so fast upon him,
that he was scarce able to undergo the Fatigue of his Shop; which was
constantly crouded with _Women_ of all Ranks and Conditions, who, they
said, _were sure to meet with fairer Usage there, than in any other in
the City_. His barely _averring, upon the Word of an honest Man, that
the Goods in dispute lay him in more prime-cost than was bid him_,
would go further than the Oaths of a dozen Witnesses in _Guild-hall_;
and when he was urged to say, as _I'm a Christian_, or, _if one living
Soul may believe another_, it would satisfy the most Judicious and
Thrifty, and remove from his Shop the worst of Goods at the most
extravagant Prices.
The great Dealer in _India_ Goods is to sell as much China, Silks, and
Muslins, _&c._ as he can, by which he shall get what he proposes to be
reasonable, according to the customary Profits of his Business. As to
a Lady, what she would be at, is to please her Fancy, and buy cheaper
by a Shilling or two in the Pound, than the Things she wants are
commonly sold at. Upon the approach of her Chariot to one of these
Magazines of Trifles, up steps a Gentleman-like Man, that has every
thing clean and fashionable about him; who, in low obeisance, pays
her homage; and as soon as her pleasure is known that she has a mind
to come in, hands her into the Shop; where immediately he slips from
her, and in half a Moment, with great Address, entrenches himself
behind the Compter. Here facing her, with a profound Reverence and
modish Phrase, he begs the favour of knowing her Commands. Let her say
and dislike what she pleases, she can never be directly contradicted.
She deals with a Man in whom consummate Patience is one of the
Mysteries of his Trade; and whatever Trouble she creates, she is sure
to hear nothing but the most obliging Language; and has always before
her a chearful Countenance, where Joy and Respect seem to be blended
with Good-Humour, and all together make up an artificial Serenity,
more ingaging than untaught Nature is able to produce.
When two Persons are so well met, the Conversation must be very
agreeable, as well as extremely mannerly, tho' they talk about
Trifles. Whist she remains irresolute what to take, he seems to be the
same in advising her, and is very cautious how to direct her Choice:
but when once she has made it, and is fix'd, he immediately becomes
positive that it is the best of the sort; extols her Fancy, and the
more he looks upon it, the more he wonders he should not before have
discovered the pre-eminence of it over any thing he has in his Shop.
By Precept, Example, and great Application, he has learn'd and
observ'd to slide into the inmost Recesses of the Soul, found the
Capacity of his Customers, and discover'd their blind side unknown to
them: By all which he is instructed in fifty other Stratagems, to
make her overvalue her own Judgment; as well as the Commodity she
would purchase. The greatest Advantage he has had over her, lies in
the most material part of the Commerce between them, the Debate about
the Price, which he knows to a Farthing, and she is wholly ignorant
of: therefore he no where more egregiously imposes on her
Understanding: and tho' here he has the liberty of telling what Lyes
he pleases, as to the _Prime-Cost_, and _the Money he has refused_,
yet he trusts not to them only; but attacking her Vanity, makes her
believe the most incredible things in the World, concerning his own
Weakness, and her superior Abilities. _He had taken a Resolution_, he
says, _never to part with that_ Piece _or_ Set _under such a Price,
but she has the power of talking him out of his Goods beyond any body
he ever sold to_: He _protests, that he loses by what she offers; but
seeing that she has a fancy for it, and is resolv'd to give no more,
rather than disoblige a Lady he has such an uncommon value for, he'll
let her have it; and only begs, that another time she will not stand
so hard with him._ In the mean time the Buyer, who has a voluble
Tongue, and imagines herself no Fool, is easily persuaded that she has
a very winning way of Talking; and thinking it sufficient, for the
sake of Good Breeding, to disown her Merit, and in some witty Repartee
retort the Compliment, he makes her swallow very contentedly the
substance of every thing he tells her. The upshot is, that with the
satisfaction of having bought, as she thinks, according to her
expectation, she has paid exactly the same Price as any body else
would have done; and give much more than, rather than not have sold
his Goods, he would have taken.