Henry the Fifth, of England, disposed of certain troublesome
restrictions of etiquette by remarking that "nice customs curtsey to
great kings:" but in the twentieth century, customs are more likely to
curtsey to the common sense of the community at large.
City codes and country customs present some contradictious. The exact
rules of etiquette in social formalities, which are derived from the
established usage of fashionable circles in the city, are constantly
subject to modifications when they are applied under the conditions
found in rural neighborhoods. This is plainly illustrated in the
comminglings of social "Young America." Whereas the city-bred girl is
carefully chaperoned, the village girl of equal social standing,
intrinsically speaking, is accustomed to go about unconcernedly, either
alone or under the escort of some youth, with whom she makes
engagements to drive, or walk, or row, or attend picnics, without
either of them, as a rule, thinking it necessary to ask her mother to
join them, or even to give her permission, that being taken for
granted, since it has probably never been denied. And the question
naturally arises, Why _should_ it be denied, when the young man is a
trusted chum of her brother, and as safe an escort for her as her own
father would be? It is a very different case from the similar instance
in the city, where the gallant is a comparative stranger, who may or
may not be reliable, and where a conventional world is coldly looking
on.
But, moreover, if this young country girl chooses, she goes alone to a
little evening party a few doors away, or to the evening "meeting" at
the village church, and this same youth, or some other one, escorts her
home in an impromptu fashion. The young lady probably invites him into
the house, if the hour is early and the family are still circled about
the parlor lamp. Or, if it is late, she does not ask him in, but
invites him to call. She does not thank him for his escort, unless it
has been given at obvious inconvenience to himself or others, and is
therefore not so much a matter of gallantry as of neighborly
accommodation. In the latter case she does thank him frankly for his
trouble.
When the young man calls to see her, she receives him with or without
the presence of her mother or other members of the family. She may
invite him to tea, with her mother's serene but passive approval; and,
in fact, the goings and comings of these young people are more like the
comradery of two girls than like the formal association of a young man
and young woman in society.
We are accustomed to call such a code a country code, because of its
almost universal following in small towns and villages. But similar
freedom of association is also observed in city circles outside of the
exclusive bounds of fashionable life. Indeed, some of the fashions
called "countryfied" are equally "cityfied," if we judge by the extent
of the usage. But what has been quite safe and sensible and refined in
the particular instance in the country, may be a most unsafe freedom in
the city, where every circle is constantly being invaded, more or less,
by new-comers and by a floating contingent of transient people, whose
record is not known even to the people who introduce them. The frank
friendliness that is usually good form in the village circle is usually
a great mistake in the city. It is better that young ladies, whether
nominally chaperoned or not, should be guarded against making
acquaintances too readily, especially among young men. If a young man
is deserving of social recognition, let the young lady's mother grant
it to him by inviting him to her house and permitting his association
with her own young people.
A young girl should not extend these invitations to call unless she is
well acquainted with the young man, or unless she gives the invitation
in her mother's name, and with the understanding that he will be
received by her mother as well as herself. Usually, the mother should
be the one to extend the hospitality.
In the case of an unmarried woman who is no longer young, it is
presumed that discretion will guide her as to when it is dignified and
proper to give invitations to call, the conservative side being the
safe side where strangers are concerned.
The ideal condition of Americanized chaperonage is far from being
realized in the great mass of American society. A small and exclusive
circle observes the English code in this matter; the rest of society
ignore the whole idea--as an idea--though the thoughtful mother
instinctively guards her daughter in a desultory way, perhaps meeting
the spirit of the idea in the main, but flagrantly disregarding the
letter of the formal code. The two extremes we have; but a real,
systematic code of chaperonage that is not French, nor English, nor
Spanish, but wholesome, sensible, thorough-going American _mother's_
guardianship we are yet to see definitely carried out. The occasional
instance of it which we now and then observe has taught us to
appreciate what would be the happiest development in our social life,
if once attained.
Meanwhile, the average American girl will probably continue to shine as
the startling exception to the rule; and in her remarkable escapes from
serious blunders, will continue to bear the palm for self-command and
good sense. Her ability to ignore a law, while consciously cherishing
all that the law was devised to protect, is a flattering indication of
her mental and moral integrity. Even a dull-witted person can follow a
set rule; it requires some genius to make a legitimate exception, and
it also involves some temerity. It is like gathering mushrooms;
perhaps they are edible, perhaps they are poisonous; for the various
fungi look very much alike. If it happens to be right, it is right; if
it happens to be wrong, it is sheer disaster.
A social code that borrows no artifice from foreign lands and
institutions, but which, true to the spirit of our own country, guards
the liberty of young girls on the one hand, while on the other it
shields them from license, will be welcomed by all thoughtful people.
The American chaperone is the coming woman. The girls of the next
generation will rise up and call her blessed.