--Is Publicly Prayed for--His Gracious Deliverance, and Triumph--An
Orangeman's View of Protestantism and of Popery--Phil's Discretion and
Valor.
“Monday, half-past eleven o'clock.
“My Dear Spinageberd:
“In pursuance of my intention, I attended the Castle Cumber
Meeting-house yesterday, and must confess that I very much admire the
earnest and unassuming simplicity of the dissenting ritual. They have
neither the epileptical rant nor goatish impulses of the Methodists,
nor the drowsy uniformity from which not all the solemn beauty of the
service can redeem the Liturgy of the Church of England. In singing, the
whole congregation generally take a part--a circumstance which, however
it may impress their worship with a proof of sincerity, certainly adds
nothing to its melody.
“The paragraph of 'Susanna and the' Elder' having taken wind, little
Solomon, as they call him, attended his usual seat, with a most unusual
manifestation of grace and unction beaming from his countenance. He
was there early; and before the service commenced he sat with his hands
locked in each other, their palms up, as was natural, but his eyes cast
down, in peaceful self-communion, as was evident from the divine and
ecstatic smile with which, from time to time, he cast up his enraptured
eyes to heaven, and sighed--sighed with an excess of happiness which was
vouchsafed to but few, or, perhaps, for those depraved and uncharitable
sinners who had sent abroad such an ungodly scandal against a champion
of the faith. At all events, at the commencement of the service, the
minister--a rather jolly-looking man, with a good round belly apparently
well lined--read out of a written paper, the following short address to
those present:--
“'The prayers of this congregation are requested for one of its most
active and useful members, who is an elder thereof. They are requested
to enable him to fight the good fight, under the sore trials of a wicked
world which have come upon him in the shape of scandal. But inasmuch as
these dispensations are dealt out to us often for our soul's good and
ultimate comfort, the individual in question doth not wish you to pray
for a cessation of this, he trusts, benign punishment. He receives it
as a token--a manifestation that out of the great congregation of the
faithful that inherit the church, he--an erring individual--a frail
unit, is not neglected nor his spiritual concerns overlooked. He
therefore doth not wish you to say, “cease Lord, this evil unto this
man,” but yea, rather to beseech, that if it be for his good, it may
be multiplied unto him, and that he may feel it is good for him to be
afflicted. Pray, therefore, that he may be purged by this tribulation,
and that like those who were placed in the furnace, nine times heated,
he may come out without a hair of his head singed--unhurt and rejoicing,
ready again to fight the good fight, with much shouting, the rattling of
chariots, and the noise of triumph and victory.'
“During the perusal of this all eyes were turned upon Solomon, whose
face was now perfectly seraphic, and his soul wrapped up into the ninth
heaven. Of those around him it was quite clear that he was altogether
incognizant. His eyelids were down as before, but the smile on his face
now was a perfect glory; it was unbroken, and the upturning of the
eyes proceeded from, and could be, nothing less than a glimpse of that
happiness which no other eye ever had seen but that of Solomon's at
that moment, and which, it was equally certain, no heart but his could
conceive. When it was concluded the psalm commenced, and if there had
been any doubt before, there could be none now that his triumph was
great, and the victory over the world and his enemies obtained, whilst a
fresh accession of grace was added to that which had been vouchsafed him
before. He led the psalm now with a fervor of spirit and fulness of lung
which had never been heard in the chapel before; nay, he moved both head
and foot to the time, as if he had only to wish it, and he could ascend
at once to heaven. This, indeed, was a victory, this was a moment of
rejoicing--here was the Christian soldier rattling home in his triumphal
chariot, to the sound of the trumpet, sackbut, psaltery, and dulcimer.
“When the service was over he shook hands with as many of his friends as
he could, exclaiming, 'oh, what a blessed day has this been to me! what
a time of rejoicing; indeed it is good to be tried. Truly the sources of
comfort were opened to my soul on this day more abundantly than I dared
to hope for--I feel my privileges more strongly, and more of the new man
within me--I am sustained and comforted, and feel that it was good for
me to be here this day--I did not hope for this, but it was graciously
granted to me, notwithstanding. How good, how heavenly a thing it is to
be called upon to suffer, especially when we are able to do so in faith
and obedience. May He be praised for all. Amen! Amen!'
“Now, my dear friend, who will say, after all this, that the stage is
the great school for actors? who ever saw on the boards of a theatre a
more finished performance than that of Solomon M'Slime? It so happens
that I am acquainted with the whole circumstances, and, consequently,
can fully appreciate his talents. In the mean time I am paying a visit
of business to M'Clutchy to-morrow, that I may have an opportunity of
a nearer inspection into his character. He is said to be an able, deep,
vindictive, and rapacious man--cowardly, but cruel--treacherous, but
plausible; and without the slightest remorse of conscience to restrain
him from the accomplishment of any purpose, no matter how flagitious.
And, yet, the cure for all this, in the eyes of his own party, is his
boundless loyalty, and his thorough Protestantism. No wonder the church
should be no longer useful or respected when she is supported only by
such Protestants as Valentine M'Clutchy, and his class.”
“Thursday.--At a little after ten, I waited upon this, famous agent to
the Castle Cumber property, and found him in his office, looking over an
account-book with his son. He had a bad face--black, heavy, over-hanging
eyebrows, and an upper lip that quivers and gets pale when engaged even
in earnest conversation--his forehead is low, but broad and massive,
indicating the minor accessories of intellect, together with great
acuteness and cunning; altogether he had the head and face of a felon.
For purposes which you shall know hereafter, I declined presenting Lord
Cumber's letter of introduction, which I calculated would put the
fellow on his guard, deeming it, more prudent to introduce myself as a
stranger, anxious, if I could do so conveniently, to settle somewhere
in the neighborhood. The son's back was towards me when I entered, and
until he had finished the account at which he had been engaged, which
he did by a good deal of altering and erasing, he did not deem, it worth
while to look about him even at the entrance of a stranger. Having heard
me express my intention of looking for a residence in the vicinity, he
did me the honor of one of the most comical stares I ever saw. He is a
tall fellow, about six feet, his shoulders are narrow, but round as the
curve of a pot--his neck is, at least, eighteen inches in length, on the
top of which stands a head, somewhat of a three-cornered shape, like a
country barber's wig block, only not so intelligent looking. His nose is
short, and turned up a little at the top--his squint is awful, but then,
it is peculiar to himself; for his eyes, instead of looking around them
as such eyes do, appear to keep a jealous and vigilant watch of each
other across his nose--his chin is short and retreating, and from, his
wide mouth project two immeasurable buck teeth, that lie together like
a'pair of tiles upon a dog kennel. Heavens! that a beautiful girl--as
it is said everywhere Miss M'Loughlin is, and until now proverbially
correct in her conduct and deportment--should admit such a misshapen
kraken as this into her apartment, and at night, too! After having
stared at me for some time with a great deal of cunning and a great deal
of folly in his countenance, he again began to pore over the blank pages
of his book, as if he had been working out some difficult calculation.
“'And,' said the father, after we had been chatting for some time, 'have
you seen anything in the neighborhood that you think would suit you?'
“'I am too much of a stranger, sir,' I replied, 'to be able to answer in
the affirmative--but I admire the country and the scenery, both of
which in this immediate neighborhood, are extremely beautiful and
interesting.'
“'They are so,' he replied, 'and the country is a fine one, certainly.'
“'Ay,' said Phil, 'only for these cursed Papists.'
“As he spoke he looked at me very significantly, and drew three of his
yellow fingers across his chin, but added nothing more. This, by the
way, he did half a dozen times, and, on mentioning the circumstance, it
has been suggested to me that it must have been the sign by which one
Orangeman makes himself known to another.
“'The Papists,' I replied, 'do not enter into any objection of mine
against a residence in the neighborhood; but, as you, Mr. M'Clutchy, as
agent of this fine property, must be well acquainted with the state
and circumstances of the country, you would really confer a favor by
enabling me, as a stranger, to form correct impressions of the place and
people.'
“'Then,' said he, 'in the first place allow me to ask what are your
politics? As an Englishman, which I perceive you are by your accent--I
take it for granted that you are a Protestant.'
“'I am a Protestant, certainly,' I replied, 'and a Church of England
one.'
“'Ay, but that's not enough,' said Phil, 'that won't do, my good sir;
d--n my honor if it would be worth a fig in this country.'
“'I am very ignorant of Irish politics, I admit,' said I, 'but, I trust,
I am in good hands for the receipt of sound information on the subject.'
“'No, no,' continued Phil, 'that's nothing--to be a mere Church of
England man, or a Church of Ireland man either, would never do here, I
tell you. Upon my honor, but that's doctrine.'
“'Well, but what would do,' I inquired; for I certainly felt a good deal
of curiosity to know what he was coming to.
“'The great principle here,' said the son, 'is to hate and keep down the
Papists, and you can't do that properly unless you're an Orangeman. Hate
and keep down the Papists, that's the true religion, I pledge you my
honor and reputation it is.'
“'You put the principle too strong, and rather naked, Phil,' observed
the father; 'but the truth is, sir,' he added, turning to me, 'that you
may perceive that fine spirit of Protestant enthusiasm in the young man,
which is just now so much wanted in, and so beneficial to the country
and the government. We must, sir, make allowance for this in the
high-spirited and young, and ardent; but, still, after deducting a
little for zeal and enthusiasm, he has expressed nothing but truth--with
the exception, indeed, that we are not bound to hate them, Phil; on the
contrary, we are bound to love our enemies.'
“'Beggingyour pardon, father, I say we are bound to hate them.'
“'Why, so, sir, may I ask,' said I.
“'Why so--why because--because--they--because as--aren't they Papists,
and is not that sufficient--and, again, here's another reason still
stronger, aren't we Orangemen? Now, sir, did you, or any one, even hear
of such a thing as a good, sound Orangeman loving a Papist--a bloody
Papist. My word and honor, but that's good!'
“'The truth is,' said the father, 'that the turbulence of their
principles has the country almost ripe for insurrection. I have myself
received above half a dozen notices, and my son there, as many; some
threatening life, others property, and I suppose the result will be,
that I must reside for safety in the metropolis. My house is this moment
in a state of barricade--look at my windows, literally checkered with
stancheon bars--and as for arms, let me see, we have six blunderbusses,
eight cases of pistols, four muskets, two carbines, with a variety of
side arms, amounting to a couple of dozen. Such, sir, is the state of
the country, owing, certainly, as my son says, to the spirit of Popery,
and to the fact of my discharging my duty toward Lord Cumber with
fidelity and firmness!
“'In that case,' I observed, 'there is little to induce any man
possessing some property to reside here.'
“'Certainly nothing,' he replied, 'but a great many inducements to get
out of it.'
“'Does Lord Cumber ever visit his property here?' I asked.
“'He has too much sense,' returned the agent; 'but now that parliament
is dissolved, he will come over to the Election. We must return either
him or his brother the Hon. Dick Topertoe, who, I understand, has no
fixed principles whatsoever.'
“'But why return such a man? Why not put up and support one of your own
way of thinking?'
“'Why, because in the first place, we must keep out Hartley, who is
a liberal, and also an advocate for emancipating Popery; and, in the
second, if it be bad to have no principles, like Topertoe, it is worse
to have bad ones like Hartley. He'll do to stop a gap until we get
better, and then unless he comes round, we'll send him adrift.'
“'Is he in Ireland? I mean does he reside in the country?'
“'Not he, sir; it seems he's a wayward devil, very different from the
rest of the family--and with none of the dash and spirit of the Topertoe
blood in him.'
“'In that case, he will be no great loss; but Mr. M'Clutchy,
notwithstanding all you have said I am so much charmed with the beauty
of the country, that I would gladly settle in the neighborhood, if I
could procure a suitable residence, together with a good large farm,
which I would rent. Is there anything in that way vacant on the estate?'
“'At present, sir, nothing; but it is possible there may be, and if you
should remain in the country, I shall feel great pleasure in acquainting
you.'
“'Because I was told,' I continued, 'that there are two large farms,
either of which would suit me admirably; but I dare say I have been
misinformed. I allude to Mr. M'Loughlin's and Herman's holdings, which I
understand are out of lease.'
“'Yes,' said he, sighing, 'I am sorry for those men; but the truth is,
my good sir, that in this affair I am not a free agent. Lord Cumber,
in consequence of some very accurate information that reached him, has
determined to put them out of their holdings, now that their leases
have expired. I am, you know, but his agent, and cannot set up my will
against his.'
“'But could you not take their part?--could you not remonstrate with
him, and set him right, rather than see injustice done to innocent men?'
“'You surely cannot imagine, sir, that I have not done so. Earnestly,
indeed, have I begged of him to reconsider his orders, and to withdraw
them; but like all the Topertoes, he is as obstinate as a mule. The
consequence is, however, that whilst the whole blame of the transaction
is really his, the odium will fall upon me, as it always does.'
“Here Phil, the son, who had been for the last few minutes paring away
the pen with his knife, gave a sudden yelp, not unlike what a hound
would utter when he gets an unexpected cut of the whip. It was certainly
meant for a laugh, as I could perceive by the frightful grin which drew
back his lips I from his yellow projecting tusks, as his face appeared
to me in the looking-glass--a fact which he seemed to forget.
“'Then, Mr. M'Clutchy, the farms of these men, are they disposed of?'
“'They are disposed of; and, indeed, in any event, I could not, in
justice to the landlord's interests, receive the offers which M'Loughlin
and Harman made me. My son here, who, as under agent feels it necessary
to reside on the property, and who is about to take unto himself a wife
besides, has made me a very liberal offer for M'Loughlin's holding--one,
indeed, which I did not feel myself at liberty to refuse. Mr. M'Slime,
our respected law agent, I also considered a very proper tenant for
Harman's; and that matter is also closed--by which means I secured two
respectable, safe, and unobjectionable tenants, on whose votes, at all
events, we can reckon, which was more than we could do with the other
two--both of whom had expressed their determination to vote in favor of
Hartley.'
“'What are the religious opinions of those men, Mr. M'Clutchy?'
“'M'Loughlin is a Papist--'
“'But Harman is worse,' interrupted Phil; 'for he's a Protestant, and no
Orangeman.'
“'I thought,' I replied, 'that nothing could be so bad as a Papist, much
less worse.'
“'Oh yes,' said Phil, 'that's worse; because one always knows that
a Papist's a Papist--but when you find a Protestant who is not an
Orangeman, on my sacred honor, you don't know what to make of him. The
Papists are all cowards, too.'
“'Then,' said I, 'you have the less difficulty in keeping them down.'
“'Upon my soul and honor, sir, you don't know how a naked Papist will
run from a gun and bayonet. I have often seen it.'
“At this moment a tap came to the door, and a servant man, in Orange
livery, announced a gentleman to see Mr. Philip M'Clutchy. I rose to
take my departure; but Phil insisted I should stop.
“'Don't go, sir,' said he; 'I have something to propose to you by and
by.' I accordingly took my seat.
“When the gentleman entered, he looked about, and selecting Phil, bowed
to him, and then to us.
“'Ah, Mr. Hartley! how do you do?' said Val, shaking hands with him;
'and how is your cousin, whom we hope to have the pleasure of beating
soon?--ha, ha, ha. Take a seat.'
“'Thank you,' said the other; 'but the fact is, that time's just now
precious, and I wish to have a few words with Mr. Philip here.'
“'What is it, Hartley? How are you, Hartley? I'm glad to see you.'
“'Quite well, Phil; but if you have no objection, I would rather speak
to you in another room. It's a matter of some importance, and of some
delicacy, too.'
“'Oh, curse the delicacy, man; out with it.'
“'I really cannot, Phil, unless by ourselves.'
“They both then withdrew to the back parlor, where, after a period of
about ten minutes, Phil came rushing in with a face on him, and in a
state of trepidation utterly indescribable; Hartley, on the other hand,
cool and serious, following him.
“'Phil,' said he, 'think of what you are about to do. Don't exclude
yourself hereafter from the rank and privileges of a gentleman.
Pause, if you respect yourself, and regard your reputation as a man of
courage.'
“'D----d fine talk in you--who--who's a fire-eater, Hartley. What do
you think, father--?' Hartley put, or rather attempted to put his hand
across his mouth, to prevent his cowardly and degrading communication;
but in vain. 'What do you think, father,' he continued, 'but there's
that cowardly scoundrel, young M'Loughlin, has sent me a challenge?
Isn't the country come to a pretty pass, when a Papist durst do such a
thing?'
“'Why not a Papist?' said Hartley. 'Has not a Papist flesh, and blood,
and bones, like another man? Is a Papist to be insensible to insult? Is
he to sit down tamely and meanly under disgrace and injury? Has he no
soul to feel the dignity of just resentment? Is he not to defend his
sister, when her character has been basely and treacherously ruined? Is
he to see her stretched on her death-bed, by your villainy, and not to
avenge her? By heavens, if, under the circumstances of the provocation
which you gave him, and his whole family, he would be as mean and
cowardly a poltroon as I find you to be--if he suffered--'
“'Do you call me a poltroon?' said Phil, so shivering and pale, that his
voice betrayed his cowardice.
“'Yes,' said the other, 'as arrant a poltroon as ever I met. I tell
you, you must either fight him, or publish a statement of your own
unparalleled disgrace. Don't think you shall get out of it.'
“'I tell you, sir,' said Val, 'that he shall not fight him. I would not
suffer a son of mine to put himself on a level with such a person as
young M'Loughlin.'
“'On a level with him he never will be, for no earthly advantage could
raise him to it; but pray, Mr. M'Clutchy, who are you?'
“'Val's brow fell, and his lip paled and quivered, as the fine young
fellow looked him steadily in the face.
“'Never mind him, father,' said Phil 'you know he's a fire-eater.'
“'There is no use in altercations of this sort,' replied Val, calmly.
'As for young M'Loughlin, or old M'Loughlin, if they think themselves
injured, they have the laws of the land to appeal to for redress. As for
us, we will fight them with other weapons besides pistols and firearms.'
“'D---- my honor,' said, Phil, 'if I'd stoop to fight any Papist. Aren't
they all rebels? And what gentleman would fight a rebel?'
“'Honor!' exclaimed Hartley; 'don't profane that sacred word--I can have
no more patience with such a craven-hearted rascal, who could stoop to
such base revenge against the unsullied reputation of a virtuous and
admirable girl, because she spurned your scoundrelly addresses.'
“'He never paid his addresses to her,' said Val;--'never.'
“'No I didn't,' said Phil. 'At any rate I never had any notion of
marrying her.'
“'You are a dastardly liar, sir,' responded Hartley. 'You know you had.
How can your father and you look each other in the face, when you say
so?'
“'Go on,' said Phil, 'you're a fire-eater: so you may say what you
like.'
“'Didn't your father, in your name, propose for her upon some former
occasion, in the fair of Castle Cumber, and he remembers the answer he
got.'
“'Go on,' said Phil, 'you're a fire-eater; that's all I have to say to
you.'
“'And now, having ruined her reputation by a base and cowardly plot
concocted with a wicked old woman, who would blast the whole family if
she could, because M'Loughlin transported her felon son; you, now,
like a paltry clown as you are, skulk out of the consequences of your
treachery, and refuse to give satisfaction for the diabolical injury you
have inflicted on the whole family.'
“'Go on,' said Phil, 'you're a fire-eater.'
“'You forget,' said Val, 'that I am a magistrate, and what the
consequences may be to yourself for carrying a hostile message.'
“'Ah,' said Hartley, 'you are a magistrate, and shame on the government
that can stoop to the degradation of raising such rascals as you are to
become dispensers of justice; it is you and the like of you, that are a
curse to the country. As for you, Phil M'Clutchy, I now know, and always
suspected, the stuff you are made of. You are a disgrace to the very
Orangemen you associate with; for they are, in general, brave fellows,
although too often cruel and oppressive when hunted on and stimulated by
such as you and your rascally upstart of a father.'
“'Go on,' said Phil, 'you are a fire-eater.'
“'I now leave you both,' continued the young Hotspur, with a blazing
eye and flushed cheek, 'with the greatest portion of scorn and contempt
which one man can bestow upon another.'
“'Go off,' said Phil, 'you are a fire-eater.'
“'Phil,' said the father, 'send for M'Murt, and let him get the
ejectments from M'Slime--we shall not, at all events, be insulted and
bearded by Papists, or their emissaries, so long as I can clear one of
them off the estate.'
“'But, good God, Mr. M'Clutchy, surely these other Papists you speak of,
have not participated in the offences, if such they are, of M'Loughlin
and Harman.'
“'Ay, but they're all of the same kidney,' said Phil; 'they hate us
because we keep them down.'
“'And what can be more natural than that?' I observed; 'just reverse the
matter--suppose they were in your place, and kept you down, would you
love them for it?'
“'Why, what kind of talk is that,' said Phil, 'they keep us down! Are
they not rebels?'
“'You observed,' I replied, getting tired of this sickening and
senseless bigotry, 'that you wished to make a proposal of some kind to
me before I went.'
“'Yes,' he replied, 'I wished, if it be a thing that you remain in the
neighborhood, to propose that you should become an Orangeman, and join
my father's lodge. You say you want a farm on the estate; now, if
you do, take my advice and become an Orangeman; you will then have a
stronger claim, for my father always gives them the preference.'
“'By Lord Cumber's desire, Phil; but I shall be very happy, indeed,
sir,' proceeded Val, 'that is, provided you get an introduction--for, at
present, you will pardon me for saying we are strangers.'
“'I should first wish to witness the proceedings of an Orange Lodge,'
I said, 'but I suppose that, of course, is impossible, unless to the
initiated.'
“'Certainly, of course,' said M'Clutchy.
“'But, father,' said Phil, 'couldn't we admit him after the business of
the lodge is concluded.'
“'It is not often done,' replied the father; 'but it sometimes
is--however, we shall have the pleasure, Mr. Easel--(I forgot to say
that I had sent in my card, so that he knew my name),--we shall have the
pleasure of a better acquaintance, I trust.'
“'I tell you what,' said Phil, leaping off his chair, 'd---n my honor,
but I was wrong to let young Hartley go without a thrashing. The
cowardly scoundrel was exceedingly insulting.'
“'No, no, Phil,' said the father; 'you acted with admirable coolness and
prudence.'
“'I tell you I ought to have kicked the rascal out,' said Phil, getting
into a passion; 'I'll follow him and teach the impudent vagabond a
lesson he wants.'
“He seized his hat, and buttoned up his coat, as if for combat, whilst
he spoke.
“'Phil, be quiet,' said his father, rising up and putting his arms about
him; 'be quiet now. There will be no taming him down, if his spirit
gets up,' said Val, addressing me; 'for all our sakes, Phil, keep quiet
and sit down. Good heaven! the strength of him! Phil, keep quiet, I say,
you shan't go after him.'
“'Let me go,' shouted the other; 'let me go, I say. I will smash him
to atoms. Upon my honor and reputation, he shall not escape me this
way--I'll send him home a hoop--a triangle--a zoologist. I'll beat him
into mustard, the cowardly scoundrel! And only you were a magistrate,
father, I would have done it before you. Let me go, I say--the M'Clutchy
blood is up in me! Father, you're a scoundrel if you hold me! You
know what a lion I am--what a raging lion, when roused. Hands off,
M'Clutchy, I say, when you know I'm a thunderbolt.'
“The tugging and pulling that took place here between the father and son
were extraordinary, and I could not in common decency decline assisting
the latter to hold him in. I consequently lent him my aid seriously; but
this only made things worse:--the more he was held, the more violent and
outrageous he became. He foamed at the mouth--stormed--swore--and tore
about with such vehemence, that I really began to think the fellow was a
dull flint, which produced, fire slowly, but that there was fire in
him. The struggle still proceeded, and we pulled and dragged each other
through every part of the house:--chairs, and tables, and office-stools
were all overturned--and Phil's cry was still for war.
“It's all to no purpose,' he shouted--'I'll not leave an unbroken bone
in that scoundrel Hartley's body.'
“'I know you wouldn't, if you got at him,' said Val. 'He would certainly
be the death of him,' he added aside tome; 'he would give him some fatal
blow, and that's what I'm afraid of.'
“Phil was now perfectly furious--in fact he resembled a drunken man, and
might have passed for such.
“'Hartley, you scoundrel, where are you, till I make mummy of you?' he
shouted.
“'Here I am,' replied Hartley, entering' the room, walking up to him,
and looking him sternly in the face--'here I am--what's your will with
me?'
“So comic a paralysis was, perhaps, never witnessed. Phil stood
motionless, helpless, speechless. The white cowardly froth rose to
his lips, his color became ashy, his jaw fell, he shook, shrunk into
himself, and gasped for breath--his eyes became hollow, his squint
deepened, and such was his utter prostration of strength, that his very
tongue lolled out with weakness, like that of a newly dropped calf, when
attempting to stand for the first time. At length he got out--
“'Hold! I believe, I'll restrain myself; but only my father's a
magistrate------'
“'Your father's a scoundrel, and you are another,' said Hartley; 'and
here's my respect for you.'
“Whilst speaking, he caught Phil by the nose with one hand, and also by
the collar of his coat with the other, and in this position led him, in
a most comical way, round the room, after which he turned him about,
and inflicted a few vigorous kicks upon a part of him which must be
nameless.
“'I am not sorry,' said he, 'that I forgot my note-case in the other
room, as it has given me an opportunity of taming a raging lion so
easily.'
“'Goon,' said Phil, whose language, as well as valor, was fairly
exhausted, 'it's well you're a fire-eater, and my father a magistrate,
or by my honor, I'd know how to deal with you.'
“Such, my dear Spinageberd, is a domestic sketch of the Agent and Under
Agent of that exceedingly sapient nobleman, Lord Cumber; and if ever,
excellent landlord that he is, he should by any possible chance come
to see these lines, perhaps he might be disposed to think that an
occasional peep at his own property, and an examination into the
principles upon which it is managed, might open to him a new field of
action worth cultivating, even as an experiment not likely to end in any
injurious result to either him or it. In a day or two I shall call upon
Mr. Solomon M'Slime, with whom I am anxious to have a conversation,
as, indeed, I am with the leading characters on the property. You may
accordingly expect an occasional batch of observations from me, made
upon the spot, and fresh from my interviews with the individuals to whom
they relate.”