Latroon’s _Wife prosecutes her love, the manner of her extravagant
Horse-courtship, inviting them to a bowl of Punch, she forc’d them to
the Squeak, is discovered in her amours by her Husband and would have
poysoned her self to escape his anger._ Latroon _brings his new
Comrades into the acquaintance of the_ Bannian, _whom by feasting him
aboard and ashore, they make their friend in their knavish Design._
My Wife was none of those puling, whining, lovers, who not obtaining
their desires, presently exclaim against the injustice of Heaven in not
granting their wishes, and growing sullen to make amends for their
Blasphemy, hang themselves, or cut their own throats. She had a certain
way of Court-ship peculiar to herself, and a kind of Horse-play in her
kissing, which was so strong and eager: that you must have a special
care she did not beat some of your teeth down your throat; her embraces
were as soft as a Bears, I think fully as strong, she hath made me
sometimes in a merry humour, cry Oh: and therefore I cannot see how
these striplings will escape with life should they be encirkled in her
arms.
What kind of Rhetorick she used to perswade them with, I am not yet
acquainted, but I understand she boarded them both at once and put them
to the squeak, without uttering a word, and had not they fled for it,
she had ransacked their carcasses to have tryed their Manhood, this made
them ever after shun being alone with her, which made her so mad, that
when she hath seen them in company, if by any means she could come at
them, she would have pinch’d them by the arms, or else where, her
fingers being as bad as a pair of pincers. She was ignorant of the way
of winning them by Presents, or the subtle insinuation of fine words,
varnished with love and Service; she was downright with them, if they
would not love her, she would see whether she could make them; but that
not doing, she was resolv’d to try whether drunkenness would operate any
thing upon them. Whilst I and my new Associates were gone abroad to
hasten our purposes of marching off together, she had prepar’d a Bowl of
Punch, with other excellent Liquors, not omitting several Dishes of
Sweetmeats; she strained her self at that time to the utmost to express
her civillity and kindness, drinking often to them till at last she
perceiv’d that the strength of those several Liquors they drank had
elevated them; then did she in as good _English_ as she was Mistress of,
tell them that she lov’d them, and they must love her, that she had
never seen such pretty white men before, with that she caught one of
them about the neck, the other fearing they should be now discovered,
indeavored to assist her Comrade, and struggled to disengage her hands
from about her neck, but she being too strong, would not disengage her
hold, but by main strength brought them both down to the ground together
with her; just as my business calling me home, I entred the Room wherein
I found my Spouse at _Tantum Scantum_ with the two supposed young-men,
tumbling all together promiscuously: I knew they could not if they
would, and would not if they could make me a Cuckold, therefore I had no
cause to be angry with any, but my Christian Infidel, and yet I had but
little reason to be so with her, considering the brutishness of her
nature, and barbarousness of her education: however so sensible she was
of the injury she design’d to do me, that taking a Dagger out of her
pocket, which she mightily delighted to carry always about her, she
would have stabb’d her self, had I not prevented her, by forcing it out
of her hands. I saw nothing but distruction and distraction in her eyes,
and therefore, watcht her narrowly she would not mischief her self, or
any else; she seeing that seem’d better compos’d, and stepping aside
drawing a small Box out of her pocket, which she always made her _Vade
mecum_, and was fill’d with the rankest poyson, she conveyed some of it
into a Cup, and offer’d to drink to me, which she would have done, had I
not dasht it out of her hand: she seeing me so careful of her
preservation, imagined I had no evil will against her, she fell upon her
knees again, and begg’d of me that I would kill her, for she deserv’d
it, or take for my satisfaction as many wives as I pleas’d into the
house, and she would not be offended at it in the least; I told her I
would have no more wives than she, and that I would forgive her this
time, so she would never do the like again.
She now trebled her diligence at home, whilst I exercised my wit abroad,
among the _Bannians_ I invited one of the principal of them home to a
treat, a man of vast sway, and great credit in the Country; and having
acquainted my new Correspondents, or fellow Conspirators of the time of
our meeting, I ordered them to appear as splendidly as they could,
according to the Custome of the Country; and to be noble in their
expences, all which they performed so well, that they gain’d a great
esteem with the _Bannian_; Moreover I informed him privatly; that the
Captain (though an Interloper) was resolv’d not to be behind hand in the
lading his Ship homeward, with the best Factor in the company, having
Gold enough for that purpose, and that those young men that accompanied
him to the _indies_ were the sons of _English_ Lords, that had brought
with them great store of Gold to see this Country, and lay it out in the
Commodities thereof: he hearkened to me with much attention, and having
always had a very good oppinion for me, believ’d what I said to be no
less than truth, and therefore desired me that I would perswade them
that he might negotiate their Affairs for them; this was the thing I
desired, which I should have offer’d him, had he not so happily
prevented me by his own voluntary motion, and to encourage his
willingness therein, I whispered the Captain in the ear aside, informing
him that the _Bannian_ was fully wrought upon, and that now he had not
need to fear fraught at half credit, as I shall mannage the matter, I
desired him to invite him abroad to morrow, and what friends he should
think to bring along with him, which accordingly he did; after that we
had been sufficiently merry together in my house, and though he was
somewhat elderly, yet he was a very comely old man, and had wit and heat
enough in him to play the Good-fellow: We had so liberally entertained
him (and had so fitted every thing to his humour, I knowing his humour
to a hair) that on his going away, he acknowledged infinite satisfaction
in that he had received, promising for these civilities his utmost
Service and Assistance; the Captain stopt him in his further
acknowledgments, by assuring him they were nothing to what he and the
Company intended for him, desiring him that he would favour them with
his Company abroad the next day; the _Bannian_ gratefully accepted the
proffer, for he was a person that lov’d dearly his belly, and therefore
the more willing and ready to accept our _English_ treatment, which he
knew was no niggardly one; but had he known what a stale purgation he
should have had after all his feasting, he would have sooner swallowed a
_Pagod_, than one single morsel.
About noon I found the _Bannian_ at his own house, and telling him that
he was expected abroad, he made himself ready to go with me, in our way
thither we met with some of his most intimate friends, and some of mine,
those which I thought would further our design I singled out, and took
them along with us. The Captain had made ample provision for us, and
understanding from me that the _Bannian_ was obliged to abstain from
some sort of meat, he had to be sure provided none thereof; having
feasted with all the jollity imaginable, firing several pieces of
Ordinance according to Command; now Sir, said the Captain, that you
might know we come not into your company empty-handed, or that we will
take up any of your Goods and Commodities without paying you for them
according to contract, I will shew you something which shall be a Secret
to every body else, so unlocking a Chest, he shew’d them a great
quantity of his own Gold, and his Undertakers; if this be not enough,
see there of this friend of mine fifteen hundred pieces, and of that
mans there, five hundred, with a thousand more if occasion should serve.
This made the _Bannian_ and his friends admire to see so great a
quantity of Gold, however he seem’d to take but little notice, only
saying, you have a great deal of money, Sir, and we have a great deal of
valuable Commodities, which you shall not want, but trust them to my
procurement for you, and you shall not fail in your expectation; he
spake _English_ good enough to let us understand, that he would be our
Servant to do our business, and the Merchant too, to credit us if we so
pleas’d. What Goods we took of him at first we paid him ready money
before delivered, and by degrees caus’d him to send some abroad, and
paid him three or four days after: And to the intent we might not be in
the least suspected for any knavery, I advised the Scrivener, Drugster,
and _Gregory_ (their Hanger-on) to give out they intended to stay in the
Country some considerable while, that what goods they bought, they would
send for _England_, when the Captain should return thither, and to
confirm the truth of this report, they built them an house, befitting
the entertainment of them, and the securing what Goods they should
procure by way of Merchandize, servants I procur’d them, such as I
thought would be for their turn, both Male and Female, but if they
intended to have their Victuals well drest, they must not expect the
Cookery from them; however they resolv’d to try the ability of their new
servants, who handled the matter so scurvily, that when it was brought
to Table, there was not one, but was of a different oppinion in giving a
name for what was brought before them, not knowing whether it was
boil’d, bak’d, broyl’d, or roasted; for the looks thereof seem’d to have
a touch of them all; so that it was concluded by all that the Proverb
was never better verifi’d than now; _God sends meat, and the Devil sends
Cooks_; and so any Stranger would have taken them, they being of his own
smoaky complexion. Wherefore to avoid these foul inconveniences of
sluttish feeding, it was agreed on, that _Mall_ (alias _William_) _Doll_
(alias _George_) notwithstanding their Breeches, should officiate as
Cooks, their friends should be caterers, and their menials Skullions.
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