_Mistress_ Mary _continues the story of the young Gentleman; relates how
a Cheat (with two more) pretending to be a Countrey man, performed a
very profitable but most comical exploit on a Shop keeper; she is
interrupted by the Arrival of her comrades;_ Meriton Lattroon _enters
into a Pleasant Dialogue with her; his_ Indian _wife falls in love
with Mistress_ Mary _and Mistress_ Dorothy, _disguis’d in mans
apparel: and a pleasant Adventure there upon._
Thus (said Mistress _Mary_) did the Gentleman discourse of the _French_
manner of Thieving and Cheating, which was after a more confident and
bold manner than that of our Countrey-men; and their manner of picking
pockets was, I told him a great Novelty; he replyed that he could relate
many such tricks that were done at his being there; two more whereof,
continued he, I will tell you, and so conclude.
Three Cheats intending a piece of roguery, had aparelled themselves like
Countrey-men; and two sauntring in the Street, one of the other went
into a Shop-keeper, whom they saw was alone in his Shop, and tells him
that he was a Countrey-man, and had born all offices in the Parish where
he liv’d: and was now Church-warden, and that he was come to Town to lay
out a little money for the use of the Parish; but more especially to buy
a Cope for the Parson; and, said he, I would buy a good one though it
cost me the more money: and thereupon fetch’d several and shew’d him: he
turn’d many of them over, but still desired to see better, at length one
was brought which he seemed to like: but, said he to the Shop-keeper, I
doubt it is too short: no, said the Shop-keeper, it is long enough of
all conscience, and thereupon measured it upon the Country-man: who
said, I cannot tell by this measuring, whether it be long enough or no:
but our Parson is a man much about your pitch, and therefore I pray do
you put it on, and I shall be better satisfied, the Shop-keeper to
satisfie his Customer, did so; and our cheating Church-warden did
assist, and help him to put it on; but in doing it, he clapt his hand
into the Shop-keepers pocket, and drew from thence a purse of money, the
Shop keeper perceiv’d it, and caught hold of his Customer, but he
slipping out of his hand, shew’d him a fair pair of heels, and the
Shop-keeper without putting off the Cope followed him; in the mean time
the other two of our cheats Companions acted their parts, for the one
went into the shop, and taking the next bundle of goods that came to
hand went away, and the third doubting that if the Shop-keeper kept his
pace he might overtake his Companion whom he pursued; he therefore
having plac’d himself in the way on purpose, catches hold on the
Shop-keeper, and sayes, O Lord Master Doctor! what makes you thus
distracted? as to run in the streets in this unseemly manner: the
Shop-keeper told him that he was mistaken, he was no Parson, and that he
was in pursuit of a fellow that robb’d him; by this time our Cheat who
was pursued, had turned a corner of a Street, and was out of sight; and
the Neighbors coming out to see what was the matter, perswaded the
Shop-keeper to go home again and put off that Garment, and then go look
for the Cheater; he did so, but there he found that he had a second
loss, which made him more angry than before, especially when he
considered that he was without all remedy, not being able to discover
who they were that had shown him this clenly conveyance.
Another time said the Gentleman, a couple of these bold rogues
understanding that a Gentle-man was newly come from travel; and having
enquired into and been acquainted with many particulars in his Journey,
were resolved to get money out of him; and therefore waiting a time and
place convenient, and seeing him walking with another Gentleman, one of
these bold rogues thus accosts him: Sir, your very humble servant, I am
very joyful to see you after your return; although you have travelled
several Countries since I saw you last, yet you are not one jot alter’d:
but you are, replyed briskly the Gentleman, if ever I saw you before,
for to the best of my remembrance this is the first time: I shall bring
you, reply’d the Confident, to be of another mind when I tell you that
my name is _Mounsieur Brisack_, and that you and I travell’d many a mile
together, and were very merry at such and such places, naming them; I
hope Sir, continued he, that you do remember that we staid three dayes
at such a place, and then departed, having very bad way, and a tedious
Journey to such a place, still naming the places, and there we met with
such and such Gentlemen, who continued in our companies a fortnight, all
the while we staid there; and we came to such and such a place. All this
reply’d the Gentleman, and all those Persons I very well remember; but
indeed _Mounsieur Brisack_, if your name be so, I do not at all remember
you; but since you give me so good an account of my Journey, I must
needs believe you to be acquainted with me in those parts; and since you
are so, I pray how doth _Mounsieur Langone_? very well, reply’d our
Cheat; he intends to be here in short time, and then I will bring him to
you that we may renew our acquaintance: I shall be glad of the
opportunity, reply’d the Gentleman, and so good _Mounsieur Brisack_,
said he, till then I shall be your humble Servant; yours Sir, reply’d
the Cheat; but I pray, Sir, do you now remember me? yes, yes, reply’d
the Gentleman; then I hope reply’d the Cheat, you will also remember
that I did you a small courtsie in the time of our acquaintance; what
was it? said the Gentleman, that I may acknowledge it; and thank you; no
great matter, Sir, said the Cheat, it was but a friendly office, we
ought to do so for one another at such a distance; I do not understand
you, said the Gentleman; you are very forgetful, said the Cheat, but I
hope that as now you remember me, so you will remember to pay me that
little money you borrowed of me at such a place; I know nothing of it,
reply’d the Gentleman; I lent it to you replyed the Cheat, by the same
token, that your Horse was taken lame in one legg, and you were forc’d
to leave him behind you, and take another: truly, replyed the Gentleman,
the token is good, but I do not remember the other matter; but I hope
you will, reply’d the Cheat, and pay me for your Credit-sake before it
comes to the hearing of our Fellow-travellers; how much do you say it
was, reply’d the Gentleman; but twenty Crowns, a small sum, and soon
paid; I know you are not without so much money about you, and if you
please to pay it me now, it will do me as great a kindness in receiving
it now, as it did you when I lent it; well replyed the Gent. if it be
so, when _Mounsieur Langone_ returns I will pay you, which you say will
be in short time; I hope Sir, replyed the Cheat, you will not injure me
so much as to put me to stay so long, when you promised me to pay it at
our next meeting, and besides, Sir, it will not be for your Credit to
let him or any of our Fellow Travellers know that you boggle at the
payment of such a driblet as twenty Crowns: and thus did he importune
the Gentle-man for payment, by telling him that he had now acknowledged
it before witness, and that if he would not quietly pay, he would compel
him to it: so that the Gentleman to purchase his quiet gave him what he
demanded, lest, as he said, he should shame him.
Whilst Mistress _Mary_ was busied in the recital of what was afore
delivered, and intending to have proceeded in the same discourse; she
was interrupted by the return of the Captain, _Drugster_, and
_Scrivener_, and _Gregory_; and her looks and colour discovered to the
Capt. that she had play’d the extravagant in the use of that liberty &
freedom which he freely gave her, and could not contain himself from
expressing some resentments thereof: and addressing his discourse to me
in a fleering manner, come Master _Meriton Latroon_ (said he) I shall
know you better by degrees, and do fear I shall find you too much guilty
of the humour of the _Turks_ and _Italians_, who unaturally delight in
the society of young men: they are pretty Smock-fac’d Lads, how do you
like them, Sir, if you could procure a change of their Sex, would not
either of them serve for fine play-fellows.
I think (said I) they are best as they are, without any change; nay,
with your pardon, good Captain, I know it an undeniable truth, which
your own frequent experience doth, or must acknowledge; their unsuitable
habits, I confess at first muffled up, or quite darkned all former
knowledge of them: but you must excuse them, if they did unmask
themselves to be known to one, they once preferred before their own
safeties and reputations. Your sweet _William_ was once my little wanton
_Mally_, whom with many more, I first beguiled by hiring my self in
womans apparel, as a Servant maid in a boarding School. This other whom
you call _George_, was a Country-girl, whose beauty and good feature
disarm’d me in the road, as I went on the Pad, and although I had never
seen her till then, I was so passionately in love with her, that I never
rested till I had obtained my desires on her, which effected, I
ungreatfully left her.
This said the Captain, is a thing I was wholly ignorant of till now,
although from our friend _Gregory_ I have been informed of the most
remarkable passages of your life: such wonderful and unheard of
transactions in one man’s life, that in his relation I thought him
reading to me some Legend of incredibilities.
I replyed that I had reserved this secret with some others, to be
discovered as occasion should serve, and that in time, nothing should be
hid from him. And now Sir, said I, you nor the rest of your friends must
not entertain a jealousie that I participate and share with them in your
Mistress’s affections; to be plain if your belief of that raise in you
any anger or revenge, you will discover thereby your folly most
egregiously; for can you expect a constancy from such, who know they
cannot live, but by being inconstant; they are like such who are upon a
trading Voyage, it is not one Port, but a great many that makes up their
market; neither are they like some Merchants who particularly trade to
one place, as to _Guiney_, _Hambrough_, &c. They are generally trucking,
or vending their commodities through the Universe: _Mal_, said I, you
must not be angry that I thus plainly and boldly disclose the naked
truth; pray on, Sir, said she; I shall exercise my patience in hearing
your rallery, but I pray tell me when you are out of breath, that I may
inform you of the infirmities and frailties that belong to your more
noble Sex, and spare not ours; you will not be so unjust to deny me that
liberty you take your self; a match, quoth I, and therefore I shall
proceed. When you were but fourteen, you began like a Nut to grow brown
at bottom, which you know will then drop or fall of it self, or I might
more properly compare you to forward Summer fruit, which proves mellow
in the non-age of the spring, but rotts by too soon falling, when more
sollid fruit shall deny the nipping frosts of an approaching Winter.
There is a _Queen-apple_, and a _Bitter-sweet_ so call’d, you resemble
the one in the lovely colour, the other in the distasteful _Gusto_: but
since I speak of fruit, the most common resemblance is a _Medlar_, which
is never good till rotten; such are you, never finer drest than in your
winding sheet. Several of your Sex when married are but a parcel of
_Crab trees_, wall’d in at a great charge. As for thy part, thou art
like a honeycomb with a Bee in it, which infallibly stings him that
tastes thereof: to be short, ye have fair tongues and false hearts; fine
faces, but foul Consciences; pride prompts ye to all manner of
prodigality, and lust leads ye to that loosness, which ruinates
thousands in the destruction of yourselves. To conclude, I could love
thee, but that thou art female, and would never have married, but that I
thought it best expedient to bring me to repentance. Now Sir said she, I
believe it is my time to speak, for I find by your straining, you are
very needy; you have but little water left by the sucking of your Pump;
I see where your plot lies clearly, by undervaluing me and our Sex, you
would put our friends out of conceit with us and others, that you might
make a Monopoly of our Sex; be advised Sir, your Patent will not be
worth the procuring, if we are so variable and wavering, as you would
falsly make the world believe, you have Marshall’d up a fair company of
Metaphors, that your wit might flutter in our disparagement. Our sailing
from port to port to advance our profit, is not so discomendable as you
would have it, since it is rather our misfortune to meet with such
Bank-rupts, Broken-merchants, who have neither stock nor credit to
barter with us for our wares. Surely your wit is mightily improv’d
(since your poor Poetry you writ to my friend _Doll_, which she related
to me was almost all the reward she had for her lost Virginity) it skipt
so nimbly from Pole to Pole, from Sea to Land, to fetch a Lean starvelin
of a conceit, and that was the comparing of us to ripe Nutts, or Nutts
brown at bottom as you well know; for all we are slip-shell’d were it
not for truanting-waggs who rushing into our Thickets shake us down; we
might hang long enough, not like your Crack-ropes: and for your likening
us to fruit soon ripe, and as soon rotten, I dare confidently aver that
we might remain a long time on the tree, did not such unhappy Boys as
you are throw stones at us. Lastly, you say our sweets are accompanyed
with stings, I know not what you mean, but I am sure you stung this
Gentlewoman and my self in that manner that the swelling lasted nine
moneths, and by a Mid-wife was at last delivered of our pain. To
conclude, with what force can you condemn us for inconstancy? when every
new face you see shall change your affection, variety shall be as so
many winds to blow your amorous pretences to more points than are
contained within a Compass, and when you have had, after a long Seige,
the Town (you sate down before) surrendered, you fall a plundring
instantly, and it may be, after this, ingratefully set the Garrison on
fire; if not, at leastwise curse the time and money you spent in your
Conquest, throwing it off as a thing not worth the managing and keeping:
No more (dear _Mall_, said I,) no more, what hitherto I have express’d,
was but a tryal of thy wit, which since I find so pregnant, thy better
parts, thy mind, I will endeavour to enjoy hereafter.
All the Company was greatly pleas’d with our Drollery, and now said I,
Gentlemen, without trifling the time away too much, since we know one
the others past lives, and present intentions; let us enter into a
serious consultation, how we may advantage each others interest here, in
order elsewhere. Although you, Sir (speaking to the Captain) have been
in these parts twice or thrice before, yet I question not but the
knowledge I have of this Country will prove as serviceable to our
design, as any others that have been here a longer time besides the
advantage of my projections; the Captain with all the rest readily
consented to be advised with me in every thing, as giving me the
priority in all manner of Roguery. Gentlemen, said I, the love I bear my
own Countrey (although all Countries indeed, should not be such
strangers to us, as not to make them absolutely our own, when necessity
compels us thereunto) I say, having a longing desire to see _Europe_,
and return for _England_, having now gotten something considerable for a
future maintenance, I shall make it my whole business to take up what
commodities I can on trust, and with what I have, and my self, I resolve
to accompany you homewards; and that I may be the better wellcome among
you, I will be assistant to you in the buying your commodities, and
procuring you a credit withal.
These proposals commanded both their thanks and embraces, and to work we
went immediately. But before I proceed to tell you how, and in what
manner we enrich’d our selves by cheating and deceiving the Countrey: I
must give you an account, that my she-black divil, my wife, had a
moneths mind to no less than a brace of white _Josephs_, I mean my two
Girls in mans apparrel; I confess the temptation was great enough to
have deluded any other woman of more Christian principles; when I heard
of it, I thought I should have dyed by the excess of laughter, and that
I might have the more sport, I ordered my two Females not to
discountenance her amorous desires. I have heretofore inform’d you that
she was for feature and stature as handsome, and as proper as most
_Europeans_, and had a natural genius, her Sex is not ordinarily endued
withal: in the time of my living with her, I had taken considerable
pains to teach her _English_ of which she hath a competent understanding
and utterance. Seeing me go very gentile and gallant, she disserted her
own Country fashion, and thought herself obliged to be cloathed in mine,
which I condescended to, not so much to please my eye, as to sport my
fancy, for they became her as well as a Hat and Feather, Sword and Belt,
with a Red-coat would become a _Jack-an-apes_ riding before the Bears.
We had not many _English_-women among us, however she imitated every one
of them in some thing or other, so that she seemed when drest to have
borrowed of at least twenty women, and those Habiliments look’d as if
they had been thrown on her with a pitchfork. She being extreemly
smitten in love with these 2 handsome young men, as she thought them,
began now to be less careless in her dress, but what disorders she
endeavoured to rectifie and amend, she made a thousand times worse; she
consulted her glass, and imagining her face was not naturally fair
enough, that is, not black (for blackness is esteem’d by them as beauty,
and tawniness the contrary) I say to correct that natural defect by Art,
she got some Lamp black, or some thing like it, by which paint she
resolved to be devilish fair.
I wondred to see my pretty sweetings face, all of a sudden so strangely
chang’d, but I concerning my self but little with her, never demanded
how it came, but according to my usual Custome went to bed, and not long
after my wife followed me: I had drank very excessively that day, by
which means I slept profoundly and was not sensible what her petulancy
prompt’d her to when I was asleep; but certain I am, she did so all to
bekiss me, and so rubb’d the black paint off her face upon mine, that
none could tell which was the blacker of the two in the morning when I
arose.
I got not out of bed till an hour after all the rest of the People in
the house were up, and staying somewhat longer above than I usually did,
she came up into the Chamber, and perceiving my face to be black, she
was at a stand, not knowing what to say, or do; but at length concluded
(as she confess’d afterwards) that her God was angry with her for loving
any other white besides her Husband, and therefore had taken away his
white face, and had given him a black one in the room: she retired down
with much more reverance than usual, and was so amazed, that she spake
not a word to any below. The Captain and his friends, with several of my
own acquaintance were attending my coming down, who seeing my face thus
discoloured, knew me not, yet knew my voice and clothes, and though I
bid them good morrow, they returned me not the like civilty, but instead
thereof, ask’d me whether I was not an impudent fellow to counterfeit
another voice and wear his clothes? Gentlemen said I, are ye all mad, or
have ye eyes that ye dare own? I am the man I was the last night I am
very certain; you may have the same body, said the Captain, but the foul
Fiend stole away thy head last night for being drunk, and left his own
in its room; hereupon a Looking-glass was fetcht, and put it into my
hands, but I no sooner saw my face in it, but it dropt out of my hands
breaking all in pieces, and with the amazement of this sudden
alteration, I was just ready to expire; now did all my former roguries
come fresh into my memory, believing that they, with what I was now
about to act, had rode poste to the Devil to inform him what I was; that
he was come to fetch me away alive, and that he had lent me this hellish
face, that I might be the fitter for his company in his Journey
homeward.
The Company seeing me stand so like a changeling, could not forbear
laughing till they held their sides, at length one of them came, and
with a wet cloth rubbing my face, restored it me again, I could not
imagine who should serve me this trick, or how it should be done, but at
last recollecting my thoughts, I remembred that my wife of late seemed
to me to be more than usually black; whereupon I call’d her to me, and
with the same cloth I made her blackness vanish too. She perceiving I
was inflam’d with rage and fury, fell upon her knees, and begging my
pardon, she told me every circumstance of what she had done and
design’d, concealing her real contrivance; that she had painted her face
in that manner to increase my love, she said, and that in kissing me and
laying her face to mine, (not imagining the black would come off) she
had thus discoloured my face, and would never do so again: I was so far
from being Angry with her, that I could not forbear laughing heartily,
which renewed the like in my friends; however I charged her never to
make herself fairer than she was again, and if I found her pride extend
that way, I would devest her and reduce her to the Clout, it being all
the clothes the _indians_ wear, an insignificant fore covering; this
troubled her more than if I should have gashed her flesh and fill’d the
wound with salt, a punishment frequently used among them.
Notwithstanding the ill success of her first project, yet she was
resolv’d to prosecute her love but which she loved best, she could not
tell, if there had been an half dozen more, she had room enough in her
breasts to entertain them, and had affection to have scattered
plentifully among them all.
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