_The Hostess’s Daughter being courted by an ignorant poetical Lover; he
brings a Soldier with him who becoming intimately acquainted with
Mistress_ Dorothy _relates to her; how he by pretending to be a
Cunning-man and raising a Spirit, had furnished himself, his Landlord
and Landlady with a plentiful Supper, which had been provided at the
Cost of another._
Thus did these Cheats make the best of a bad market, for being at the
first obstructed in their designs by their Companions Imprisonment, they
were at a loss, and they got little money this bout but what the Judge
and his Kinsman gave them, and the people who were present at this bold
adventure of picking the Judges pocket on the Bench, were very curious
of their own, and for the future had some what more than ordinary to
talk of; but mine Host who knew more of the matter than ordinary, made
rare sport with this story at his return, and the Shoemaker who hath
receiv’d satisfaction for the loss of his Boot, having had money for the
other, by mine Hosts appointment sent for the other Shoemaker his fellow
Tradesman, and ordinary Charges being deducted, gave him the one half;
but mine Host so ordered the matter, that as they began, so they ended
in drink, and spent all they had received at our house, and thus ended
the adventure of the boots. Mistress _Dorothy_ now stopping, and we
thereby finding that she had concluded her discourse, we took the
liberty of laughing, and wondring at what she had told us, and therefore
desired her to give her self the trouble to relate some more adventures
to us, but she told us in plain terms that she had done, and that we
were to expect no more from her. I hearing her so peremptory in her
reply, told her that we had been very much engaged to her, for the
extraordinary pains she had taken in these several relations; but yet I
must need add this, that as yet she had not fully performed her promise,
for she had promis’d to give us an account of all the family, when as,
if I am not mistaken she had said little or nothing of two persons, whom
I supposed to be very considerable, and that was the Son and Daughter;
and therefore I made it my request to her, that she would recollect her
self, and relate to us somewhat of them, because indeed they were a
little active while they liv’d at home with their father and mother, but
after they went abroad in the world they were very remarkable, (and
continued she) since their leaving their father and mother, and my
leaving the house were at one and the same time, and one the same
occasion I shall now give you an account of it, and then she thus
proceeded.
One young Man and Maid living in a house where so much roguery was
acted, must needs be well enough experienc’d to act their Parts, but
they were so warily looked after by their Mother, that it was almost
impossible to exercise their Talent at home, and the young man by reason
of the danger of the War, and least he should be taken Prisoner and
served as his Father was, was enforced to keep home and ramble but
little, but his Sister less, not being permitted to go any way out of
the Town. And although many Guests who came to our house saw her, and
liked her marvellously well, (for indeed she was handsom) and would have
made love to her, yet her Mother knowing the danger by her own
experience, watch’d her too narrowly to permit it, and was resolved to
use her best endeavor to preserve the Jewel of her daughters maiden-head
until she should be lawfully married. She being kept up so strictly had
few Suiters, only one in the Town, who was a Farmers Son had a moneths
mind to her, and having read the famous History of _Tom Thumb_, and from
thence proceeding to _Fortunatus_, and then to the most admirable
History of _Dorastus_ and _Fawnia_, was infected with Poetry and Love
both at once, and absolutely believing that all he read was really true,
did with himself to be as fortunate as _Fortunatus_ himself, and since
he could not meet with that blind Lady _Fortune_ to present him with
such a Purse, he did however resolve to be as absolute a lover as
_Dorastus_; and now nothing to that accomplishment being wanting but a
Mistriss who should be his _Fawnia_, he found out our Pretty Mistress
_Peggy_ my Hostess’s Daughter (Hers I may boldly call her, but mine
Host’s I dare not, the Case being doubtful, by what I have already
related to you) a Mistress being found for our Swain, he made some
addresses to her, and was permitted by the Mother to more freedom than
any, because the youth was not only indifferent handsome, but rich, and
mine Hostess was pretty free that they should strike up a match
together; I was still desired to keep Company with these Lovers, but I
had much ado to forbear laughing outright when I heard his Courtship,
all his language was Stuff stoln out of the books he had read; and when
he was answered by Mistress _Peggy_, or any question propounded by me to
him in any ordinary or different Dialect, he was as deaf as a
Bell-founder, and was not able to answer us; I being resolved to make
sport with him, told him that I thought he would do mainly well if he
would apply his fancy to writing of Poetry, and as an essay I advised
him to write a Letter to Mistress _Peggy_ in Verse, he thanked me for my
advice, and desir’d my friend-ship and said that he would go immediately
home and exercise himself in Poetry, and so he said, and so he did, for
behold the next morning Mistress _Peggy_ received a Letter from him,
which we both read and laugh’d at, for it was so foolishly forced,
conceited, and nonsensical that have I much ado to remember the words,
but having often repeated them, I shall now relate them to you.
Madam,
_Ever till I saw thee my heart was still at rest,
Little did I think one Female could have pierc’t
Either Heart or Bowels, that on thee doth waste,
So sad all faint and feeble grow within my brest;
Alas, it is pity that sorrow to me should come,
For to tell you the truth as yet I am but very young,
And to express my self I want a better tongue;
But I can truly and sadly say that only you
Are she that hath brought me to grief and sorrow too
Brave Vertues that are in this lovely Damsel found
At the first sight gave my poor heart a desperate wound.
You have my sences very much decay’d
With love, that at one time they will be all dismai’d
Long of the tender love that to you I do bear,
Even now I will make and end my only Dear._
Your true Lover,
_L. M._
We all laughed heartily at this non-sensical stuff, and I told mistress
_Dorothy_ that sure she was mistaken in the recital of these verses, and
that they were to be said backwards, for that wayes that she repeated
them I discovered the humour of our Poetical Lover, and Mistress _Peggy_
by my directions returned him this answer.
Amorous Friend,
_Tis much you should receive two infections at once, the one Love, the
other Poetry, but it is not very strange since they commonly accompany
one another, but i’le assure you ’tis dangerous, for you know the old_
Proverb, _that sad are the effects of_ Love and Pease Porridge; _and
besides Poetry is commonly attended with Poverty, but after a strict
perusal of your poetick Fancies, I find there is no great danger in your
poetick infection, for unless you improve your self mightily it will be
a long time e’re you be a compleat Poet, and since your Poetry and Love
came together, it will be as long e’re you be a compleat Lover; now if
you have still a mind to prosecute these two Designs, of Love and
Poetry, I advise you to make use of some other more fit and sublime
object that may raise your fancy to a higher pitch of eloquence, or at
least wise sense, as you have been in verse. I return this answer to you
in prose, and as you like this you may prosecute your Designs of Love
and Poetry, with some other Object, but I pray give no more trouble to_
Your Frind,
_M. S._
This to the best of my remembrance was the answer to our Lovers poetical
Letter, and although what we writ might have been enough to have dashed
the designs of any other, yet our Lover came very confidently that
evening, and thanked his Mistress for receiving his Letter, and
answering it; telling her that he did acknowledge he had not as yet any
great Skill in Poetry, but he had written his best, and intended and
hoped in the next to mend it, and so he proceeded in his troublesome
Love-Suit. Our Cook-maid coming into the room where we were, and having
seen the Love Letter, it being made no secret, told us that she had a
Love Letter sent her not long since, which in her opinion was better
than that; and we believing that there must be somewhat in it worth the
seeing, commanded her to fetch it, and giving it into my hands, I read
these words.
_Madam_,
_I Hope the Brains of your Beauty being boyl’d in the Kettle of Kindness
with the Beef of Bounty, may at length prove a dish for my dyet, so that
the Marrowbone of your Maidenhead being crack’d with the Chopping-knife
of my Courage, may upon the Trencher of Truth declare how I love you;
let not the minc’d meat of Modesty baked in the Oven of Hatred in the
Crust of Coyness cause my Denial, lest the Dagger of Death being
drenched in the Barrel of my Blood may with the Spiggot draw forth the
Liquor of my Life._
Yours more than his own,
_T. J._
This Letter pleas’d me more than the former, and I told her that her
Sweet-heart was ingenious and witty, for he had courted her in her own
language, and made use of such words she understood, and that in my
opinion it was far better to do so than to be altogether so poetical as
to make mocks of their Mistresses by comparing their fore-heads to
Alablaster, their eyes to Diamonds, their lips to Coral, and such kind
of fantastical similies, our Lover was of my opinion, and was so taken
with the Cook-maids Letter that he desired to copy it, and so he did;
and while he was thus employed, I remembred that I had a paper of verses
that would employ all his senses to understand, and it may be puzzle
him; and therefore fetch’d it, and he having copyed the other lines, I
shewed him these.
_I saw a Peacock with a fiery Tail
I saw a Blazing star that dropt down Hail
I saw a Cloud begirt with Ivy round
I saw a Sturdy Oak creep on the ground
I saw a Pismire swallow up a Whale
I saw a brackish Sea brim full of Ale
I saw a Venice glass sixteen yards deep
I saw a Well full of mens tears that weep
I saw mens Eyes all on a flaming fire
I saw a House big as the Moon and higher
I saw the Sun all red even at midnight
I saw the man that saw this dreadful sight._
And most dreadful it was indeed, said our Lover, if it were true, but
however (continued he) the Verses are very good, and I pray let me have
a copy of them; which I permitted him to take; and he read them over,
and over again without understanding the Mystery, but the more he read,
the more he seemed to wonder at the strangeness of the several sights,
and said, sure this is impossible, not at all, said I, and if you will
lay ten shillings to be spent, I will make it out to you before you go,
that all that is there written is very true, and that I have seen it all
myself. I cannot believe it, replyed he, and I am content to lay the
wager, provided Mistress _Peggy_ may be the Judge. Content, said I, and
so the money was laid in her hands, and then I took up the paper and
began to read thus: _I saw a Peacock_, and there I made a stop, and
said, do you believe that? If you do not, I can shew you one in the
yard: Ay, but said he, the Verse is, _I saw a Peacock with a fiery
Tail_, and that is the wager: no, said I, you must stop when you have
red _I saw a Peacock_, and then go on, _with a fiery Tail I saw a
blazing Star_; and I am sure that I have seen that too, for blazing
Stars have all fiery Tails: that is true, replyed he, but I did not mean
to read it so: tis no matter how you meant, said I, but what I read is
true, and by vertue of that I suppose I shall win the wager, but however
I proceeded, and read; _That dropt down Hail I saw a Cloud; Begirt with
Ivy round I saw a a sturdy Oak; Creep on the ground I saw a Pismire,
Swallow up a Whale I saw a Brackish Sea; Brim full of Ale I saw a Venice
Glass_: And so I read on to the end of the Verses, still making a full
stop in the middle of the verse, where the sense required it; thus
making sense of the impossible nonsense: by this time our Lover saw he
was likely to lose his Wager, but however he cavelled at my thus reading
it, and said, I ought to stop only where the rhime ended; but all that
he said signified nothing, for his Mistress did me the justice to award
me the Wager, and accordingly gave me my money, and kept the other
twenty shillings to be spent; neither was the Poetical Lover much
displeased, for he had a very high esteem of the Lines he had,
protesting he would not part with them for forty shillings, and he
questioned not but he should win much money by Wagers he would lay about
them, and being thus satisfied he left us, promising the next night to
return, and then expecting a Colation for the ten shillings he had lost;
and so we were rid of our poetical Lover till the time appointed; which
being come, he likewise came and brought with him a young man, a Soldier
that belong’d to the Garrison in our Town; I knew the man by sight, for
he was very remarkable, it being the general report that he was a
Cunning-man and could tell fortunes, and our Lover brought him to give
his oppinion, whether he should have mistress _Peggy_ or not. We gave
him the ordinary welcome, he coming in company with our Lover we were
the more free with him, who demeaned himself so well that I had a more
than ordinary respect for him, and told him he should be welcome at any
other time; and so our Colation being ended, we for that time parted;
but in short time after he came again, and being as he said, much taken
with my company, desired to take all opportunities of waiting on me: I
seeing no harm in him, and finding that he was none of the pitifull sort
of fellows, but that he was handsom, witty, and above all things that he
wore money in his Pocket, permitted him frequently to visit me, and it
was not long e’re I grew into such familiarity with him, that I obliged
him to shew me so much of his Skill as to tell me my Fortune; he was
surprized at this proposition and made many Excuses, but I grew to that
height in my importunitie that I wearied him; at length he told me that
although all the Town had been mistaken in him yet I should not, and
that if I pleased he would undeceive me, and in short he told me that it
was a mistake to think that he was skillfull either in Astrology or
Magick, and although he had gained some moneys by pretending to be
knowing in that mystery, yet it was no such matter: I supposing that he
only said this to excuse himself, still importuned him in such manner,
that I brought him to this: that provided I would promise him secrecy,
he would discover his whole secrets to me, and thereby make it
absolutely appear that the Town was mistaken: I being desirous of
hearing Novelties, engaged to perform all he desired, and thereupon he
thus began.
* * * * *
Madam, in the discourse I shall make you, I shall be forced to discover
not only my own secrets, but also those of another, the most eminent of
this Town, and were it not to you, and onely to you, I should not do it
for any consideration whatsoever, for it is the secrets of a woman of
the best quality, and therefore you may be justly angry with me for so
doing, but my respects, & indeed my love to you is so great, that I
shall not stop at any obstacles to perform anything you require; &
withal I pray do not think, that since I am so easie to discover one
womans secrets, and that of such eminency and one to whom I am so much
obliged, that I should, or may at one time or another, serve you in the
like manner. No Madam (said he) assure your self of the contrary, for
although the woman I am to speak of be so eminent, indifferently
handsom, and one to whom I am so much obliged, yet my acquaintance with
her began after a strange manner, and it was a kind of necessity that
first induced her to permit me the freedom I enjoy with her; whereas on
the contrary, the respects I have for you are of another nature, for my
inclination and affection induce me to pay you all manner of service,
which I am confident will be very lasting. He having made this plausible
speech, thus proceeded.
It is not many moneths since I was first acquainted with this place, you
know my quality is a Soldier of Fortune, and I may reasonably enough
term my self so, being of late some-what favoured by that blind and
inconstant Lady; our Commander in Chief thinking it convenient to draw
us out of the field where we had been all the last Summer, and place us
in Garrisons for the Winter season; it fell to my lot, among other of my
Comrades, to be ordered to be quartered in this Town, where when we
came, we had our several Billets delivered to us, and mine directed me
to the House of the wealthiest Mercer in your Town, where I still
Quarter, and who you know is a Person as eminent for Estate, as any in
the Town, I need not name him, you knowing where I Quarter: it so
fortuned, that the night I came thither first to Quarter, he was out of
the Town, as he had been for some dayes past and was to continue for two
or three more. It was somewhat late when I knock’d at the door, and
therefore the Maid-servant who heard me, ask’d me what I would have? I
answer’d that I was appointed in that House to take up my Quarters. The
Maid soon called her Mistress, and acquainted her with the matter; which
she knowing, thus answer’d me, that she was a young new-married woman,
that her Husband was absent, that she had onely one servant, and that
therefore she could not with any conveniency entertain any man in her
house. I could not be satisfied with this answer, but reply’d that I was
sorry I must be so troublesom, but withal that it was too late to seek
any other lodging; and that my Comrades were all in their Quarters, and
therefore I must unavoidably lye in the street if she did not entertain
me; wherefore I pray’d her to receive me into her house, and put me into
any place she pleas’d, and I promised that I would be as little
troublesome as possibly I could, and therefore I desired her not to deny
that fairly and by entreaty, which she knew I could command. The young
woman, although she was much troubled (believing that I might hinder a
design she had in hand) yet knowing withal that what I said was true,
and that I might command where I entreated, commanded her maid to open
the door, and shew me my lodging up in the Garret. When I was entred the
house, I told her that I was to lodge there, so I desir’d I might sup
with her, (not that I would command it, but that I would willingly pay
for what I had) because it was late, and I had not eaten any thing all
that day. She seemed angry at my proposal, telling me that I was
mistaken if I took her house for an Inn, and if I wanted a supper, want
I must, for I was like to have nothing there but my bare lodging, and
indeed bare I might call it, for it was a most pitiful one, however I
was forc’d to make use of it, and go supper-less to bed. Being thus
ready to dye for hunger, I had little mind to sleep, and therefore I
only tumbled and tossed without so much as closing mine eyes together.
After I had lain an hour in this manner, casting mine eyes about the
Chamber, I perceived some light which came through a Chink or Crevis in
the floor, and my curiosity inviting me to it, I leap’d out of the bed,
and laying my eye to the place, I might perceive under me a room very
well furnisht, wherein was a great Fire, two Spits, of roasted Fowls,
the Maid turning them, and the young Woman, the Mistress sitting in the
arms of a young Fellow a Lawyer, who to me appeared to be so by his
Gown. How! said I to myself, is this the Woman that in her Husbands
absence will not receive a man into her? Oh the unconstancy and
subtility of Women! this I thought, but however I believed it was not as
yet time to speak out; but being very hungry, I beheld the Spits with
some anger, and devoured the Fowls with my eyes; I had the patience to
see the Supper dress’d, though I was not to be a Guest; and though I
could not taste, yet I could smell the Victuals: I saw the Table spread,
the Bottles of Wine brought out, & the Victuals placed on the Table, but
just as they were going to sit down, one knock’d at the door; this
somewhat startled them, but their confusion was greater, when the Maid
asked who was at the door, understood it was her Master. They were all
frighted and confounded, not knowing where to put the man, or the
victuals, they had but little time to consider: There was but one little
Chamber adjoyning where the maid lay, and under her Bed at length they
laid him, and the Meat, Drink, and all the Appurtenances were placed in
a Closet in the Chamber: This being done, and the Woman sitting down by
the fire, the Master who was impatient with calling and knocking, was
let in, and coming up stairs, his Wife rises from her seat, and cryes
out, Oh dear Husband! Wellcome home, how glad am I to see you,
especially in coming sooner than I expected. That is true, said the good
man, I made haste and dispatched my Business, which being done, I took
Horse and made all possible speed to come home to you, and indeed, I
have rid full speed all this day; And very welcome you are, said she:
But how come you to have so great a fire? said the Husband: Oh Love,
said the Wife, I am troubled with the Belly-ake as passes, and I made
this fire to warm Trenchers and clothes, to put to my Belly to ease me;
and truely I think that this pain hath taken me with vexing at a
paultrey business that happened this night; for here came a Soldier and
said he must, and would quarter here, and it hath so angred and griev’d
me, to think that a man must lodge here in your absence, that I think
truly it hath brought my paine. I hearing this, thought it would be
convenient for me ere long to appear, and therefore put on my Clothes,
but still I gave attention to the end of their discourse, which was thus
continued: Said the Husband, well, let that pass; but I pray let me have
some Supper, for I have made such haste to day in travelling to come to
you, that I am almost dead with hunger, wherefore I pray give me some
Victuals. Victuals, replyed the woman, where do you think I should have
it? Do you think I make feasting in your absence? Alas, my maid and I
supp’d to night with each of us a Roasted Apple, I am sorry for that,
replyed the Husband, and am very loath if I could help it, to go to Bed
without a Supper, but what cannot be cured, must be endured. I hearing
this, and believing it to be very proper for my design, being already
dress’d, went down stairs, and knock’d at the door, which opened, I
entred, and saluting my Landlord, prayed him to excuse me for disturbing
his Wife, who had indeed refused to entertain me, till I had acquainted
her with my Orders, which, lest he should distrust any thing to the
contrary, I then pull’d out and shew’d him, and told him that I hoped
his Wife could not complain of any incivility I had offered her. No
truly, reply’d she. I having satisfi’d him in this, I told him that I
understood that he had not supped no more than I, and therefore if he
pleased I would give him and his Lady a Supper, for I had it in my power
to accommodate them very plentifully. How is that possible? reply’d my
Landlord, since it is so late, and nothing is to be had in the Town, and
besides that it will be too late to dress any thing. I bid him take no
care for that, but if he pleased he should be provided with victuals
ready dresed provided he and his wife would both promise me secresie;
they told me that they would do so, but he wondred, and she seemed to do
so too, at what I intended to do; whereupon I told them I had a
correspondency with Spirits, who would furnish me with what I desired,
and thereupon taking a piece of Chalk, and making a Circle I Placed
myself in it, made certain Figures about it, and taking a Staff in my
hand, waved it about my head, and then I uttered many words which were
onely conceited fustian stuff, which they understood not, nor I myself
neither, and then proceeding I named a Spirit, and told him that he must
quickly provide me a Supper for myself, my Landlord, and his Lady. I
seemed to listen, and then told them that my Spirit was obedient, and
nothing was wanting now but to know what they would have; I asked the
question, but they answered, What I pleased: Bring then, said I, a
Boyl’d Hen and Bacon, a Couple of Roasted Capons, a Dozen of Partridges,
two Dozen of Larks, a Pippin Tart, with Oranges and Lemmons, and Fruit
sufficient; Also bring us two Bottles of Canary and two of Claret; this
was the Victuals I had seen provided, and therefore this I call’d for;
and withal, said I, I charge thee not to appear in any horrible shape,
so as to frighten my Landlord or Landlady, but dispatch quickly and set
all down in the Closet of this Chamber. Having thus finisht my
Inclination and paused a little, now, said I, open the door and there
you shall see I am obeyed. The maid readily did as I commanded, and all
was there in ample manner ready dress’d, to the great astonishment of my
Landlord, but my Landlady, though she seem’d to be amazed, knew well
enough that she was discovered, but as yet could not disaprove of what I
had done. The meat being produced, the Table was spread and the
provision placed thereon, and now all things being in readiness, I
desired my Landlord and Landlady to take their places; at my request
they did so, but my Landlord was mighty unwilling to eat, until he see
me eat and commend the Victuals and Sauce, and I importuning him to
taste, he did so, and my Landlady by his example consented to accompany
us in the same employment: Having now done with one Dish, and my
Landlord finding that to be good, by my example fell to another, and
though he was somewhat cautious, yet he made a good Meal; I am sure I
did not spare, but fed like a Farmer, and my Landlady was not at all
behind hand, she well enough knowing, that though I told them it was
dress’d under ground, yet she could contradict me but she durst not; the
maid had her part too, and all were well enough content, except the poor
Lawyer, who was both hungry and fearful, lest as I had discovered the
meat, I would also discover the Caterer, but I minded no such matter, I
thought as I had begun well, so to end, and I would not be so
discourteous to him to make him fare ill, when by his means I had fared
so well. We not onely eat lustily, but drank off our Wine cheerily,
which was as good as ever tipp’d over Tongue, and for us three there was
enough; and now at last my Landlord did own that the Meat and Sauce,
Bread and Drink were all excellent good, and that if the Spirits could
command so good Fare, they were more harmless and better company than he
thought for: I told him my Spirit was still in his house, and expected
my further Commands, therefore I desired to know whether he would have
ought else e’re I discharged him? He told me, No: Then, replyed I, he
shall descend; but since he hath done us so good service, I will, if you
please, let you see him. Oh by no means Sir, said my Landlady, fearing I
would discover her greatest Secrets. Rest contented, replyed I, for I am
Master of more discretion that to disoblidge a Lady; assure your self it
shall be otherwise than you imagine: my Landlord too was very fearful,
but I assured him there should be no cause, and thereupon for the more
easie management of what I intended, I ordered the Servant-maid to open
the Street door, and all the other Doors of the House, that the Spirit
might have the more freedom to depart, otherwise I told them he would
raise a Tempest; and, continued I, he shall not appear in any horrid
form, but in the habit of one of your Neighbors; having told them this,
I thus began: Oh thou Spirit, who hast been unexpectedly disturbed, but
hast so plentifully catered for us, come forth for I now give thee leave
to go whither thou pleasest. The Lawyer who was but in the next room,
and who had heard all passages, was not so sottish as to neglect this
opportunity, but pulling his Hat over his face that he might go
undiscovered, came forth of the room where he had been hid, and with a
steady pace walked by us, going down stairs, and so leaving the house,
whilst my Landlady in a trembling manner sate and beheld what had
passed.
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