inferiors, no matter how he may be brought in contact with them, whether
he meets them in company with his equals or inferiors, or if alone.
For though your inferiors, they deserve respect, and a deviation from
politeness on their account would cause your politeness towards equals
to appear false, a shield to your true manner. Always be polite to your
inferiors, and it naturally follows that you will be politeness itself
with your equals. A gentleman has no superiors.
Politeness is called for in every turn a gentleman may make, whether
among ladies or gentlemen, or inferiors, in society or in business, among
relatives, acquaintances, friends, or strangers.
2. An insult is not to be recognized when offered by an inferior; pay no
attention to such, unless it is followed by violence, or when it places
you in an awkward position in presence of equals, and even then, if
from one decidedly inferior, or a woman, do not return it, but summon
the agents of the law to rid you of the nuisance. If an equal, it is at
your own option whether or not you resent the insult, which can be done
by the use of irony; thus, though an implied return of the insult, your
resentment is on its face politeness itself. Duels are not allowable
in America, and seldom in any country. A deadly insult is now usually
looked upon by society as a just cause of expulsion of the insulter from
its ranks, as no longer worthy of the name of gentleman; for modern
society is more just than the society in the days of knighthood, when
a gross insult would be looked upon with favor, as but a preliminary
to a test of skill at arms. All the remedy a gentleman has in this age
is either an apology from his opponent, or the future avoidance and
non-recognition of him, or, in extreme cases, a resort to the law.
3. The most indifferent, collected, firm, and _blasé_ of society men are
susceptible to embarrassments. No matter how sure you may be of being
proof against them, there always comes a time when the firm foundation is
undermined by a sudden inpour of unforeseen circumstances, which brings
your guarded and fortified walls of conceit and coolness to earth,
and tends to humble your pride. Now, many society men hold that a man
should never become embarrassed under any circumstances. Not so; there
are instances where to remain unmoved and indifferent to embarrassment
would show an uncultured exercise of politeness. For example, how
could a gentleman, having spoken to his companion of a third party in
an insulting manner, refrain from embarrassment when that companion
subsequently turns up and presents the third person, who thereupon
reproaches him for his prior insinuation and insult? Yet in ninety-nine
cases out of every hundred the gentle and polite society men remain
unmoved and unembarrassed, making excuses and stating falsely. Yet they
leave impressions of impoliteness and rudeness upon the minds of their
victims. Suit the necessity of embarrassment to the occasion. Only if he
has shown marked impoliteness or rudeness, or both, need a gentleman show
concern subsequent to his remark or manner.
4. Temper is the last subject for discussion here; but it is not by any
means the least in importance. In fact, if it were not for a proper
control and exercise of temper, there would hardly be necessity for
elucidating half the subjects already so defined. The temper should never
be displayed under circumstances pertaining to society proper. That is,
to your equals a tranquil nature and manner should always be shown, no
matter how trying the position. To inferiors temper should not be shown
while in sight or hearing of equals, and even when alone with servants
or agents only in case of breach of duty, and then should merely be
shown sufficiently far to make a reprimand more severe. In fact there
are so many remedies for circumstances tending to rouse the temper that
it should be done away with as a bad habit. When you do so far forget
your politeness as to allow the temper to rise, be sure that it is not
directed to a lady.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
VISITING
A gentleman should as seldom as possible offer a regret for an invitation
to visit, and when doing so must see that his excuse is a good one.
Only business, traveling, and sickness are sufficiently strong causes
of refusal. To offer a poor excuse is to cause a suspicion of a dislike
on your part for the inviter, his or her family or home, or perhaps
that you are too little interested in the whole affair to bother about
visiting the person. Such poor excuses, though apparently sufficient
in your judgment, not only appear weak to the inviters, but cause
them to neglect you in the future in respect to visiting. Of course,
if you are visiting or about to visit, an excuse to that effect is
sufficient, provided you explain that the invitation you have accepted
was received and acknowledged prior to the one which you are regretting.
Your excuse, when a good one, should be strong, sincere, and regretfully
expressed, and, above all, never hint that you will be at liberty for
a visit later, or at some future date. There is such a thing as being
too indifferent in a regret to an invitation, and also such a thing as
showing in a regret too deep an interest or anxiety to accept. And this
latter is bad enough without being accompanied by broad hints. If the
first invitation was sincere and the inviter really desired your company,
you may be sure a second attempt will be made and another invitation
issued. When accepting an invitation, it is best to adhere strictly to
your acceptation of the kindness and express such in sincere terms. Do
not be too effusive, but to the point, for an acceptance is not a letter
and should therefore be short and formal. If a regret, the rule may be
reversed, as, not intending to visit, you are justified in substituting
a letter, whereas acceptances are followed by the visit, and a lengthy
epistle would be unnecessary.
After having accepted an invitation, be sure to take with you a
sufficient supply of clothes for variety, and also that you may be
prepared for emergencies or a prolongation of your visit. It is very rude
and impolite to inquire in your note of acceptance as to the length of
time of stay. You may depend upon it that no person having any knowledge
of society would invite you for, at the most, more than a week, and if
longer the inviter would acquaint you of the fact in the invitation. But
for a week or less the inviter would neglect to mention any given time
of stay. But it should be understood that at the close of the second day
the visitor is to remark upon his departure as fixed for the following
day; then if the host or hostess desire your presence for a longer
period, they will express themselves to that effect. It is safer always
to take one week’s supply of linen, in view of such an expression from
them. Of course these rules only apply to formal invitations between
friends of long standing, but who have been more or less separated, or
friends of late acknowledgment, or perhaps, in rare instances, mere
acquaintances, and have nothing whatever to do with fast friendship,
where it would be absolutely impossible to govern the parties in their
manner of recognizing and accepting or regretting invitations, and their
actions subsequent to their arrival at the place of visitation. Such
an invitation is controlled generally by the mutual acquiescence and
approval of the parties, and is too informal to be considered under the
head of formal customs.
Therefore to adhere strictly to the essential rules for a formal visitor:
A gentleman should make it a rule to be punctual to the time set for
his arrival, be it morning, afternoon, or evening. When expected in
the morning for breakfast, and the place of visit is out of town, if
he arrives at his destination earlier than to his knowledge the family
are accustomed to rise, then he should occupy himself in some way till
it is time to put in an appearance, that he may be received by the
host or hostess at a reasonable hour. The first duty of a visitor is
to be punctual to breakfast every morning during his stay; and more
too, he should never fail to precede the host or hostess or both (only
these), that he may be thus prepared to receive them with the usual
morning salutation. As to dinner, lunch, or supper, punctuality is not
considered, as, being in company with his entertainer, it would be hardly
possible for him to be dilatory.
A gentleman should never wear a dressing gown or slippers outside of his
room, when visiting or otherwise. He should never enter the dining-room
till the host or hostess, or both, have preceded him. Table manners are
the same in visiting as at dinners at home and the like.
After any meal be careful not to appear uneasy or dissatisfied with
the proceedings of your entertainer; and do not, no matter how great a
desire you may have, express opinions upon any arrangements, or suggest
any occupation for the consumption of time, without first being asked
for your advice or opinion; for very often the host or hostess is led
into doing that which but for your request, and the fact of your being a
visitor, they would never have thought of or desired to do; so be careful
always to control your desire to make suggestions. Let your conversation,
manners, and actions be ruled substantially as in calling. Never remain
astir after the host or hostess, or both, have retired, but ascend to
your own room coincidently with them and retire immediately. During a
visit a gentleman should acquiesce in everything requested of him by host
or hostess, unless his opinion is called for, when he should, in deciding
between his entertainers and others, speak freely but impartially; but if
possible always decline the honor of judge.
Do not appear at ease or at home beyond the unembarrassed exercise of a
visitor’s duties, for such freedom may tend to cause dislike for you as
presuming on your liberties.
A gentleman should not visit unless he be prepared, in case of
emergencies, for a request from the hostess, if the host is absent,
or from both if the host is himself incapable, to act the part of
table-host; and to do this he must be thoroughly versed in the art of
carving and serving the viands, and in other ways demeaning himself as is
essential to hosts.
In fact, in going on a visit a gentleman should be proficient in its
many requirements. Such rules as are here laid down will be sufficient,
and will not fail in leading him safely through the minor branches of
politeness.
FINIS.