* * * * *
The _comptroller_ was appointed by the _government_ upon the
supposition that he was _conversant_ with the details of _finance_;
but he was only a _mediocre financier_ and was not aware of the
_deficit_ in the _finances_, until the conscience-stricken
_defalcating_ officer acknowledged his _defalcation_.
* * * * *
The emigrants to the _frontier_ chose a beautiful spot for their
settlement; but they found that the wells dug there and on the
_contiguous prairies_ had a _saline_ taste; so they were obliged to
bring water from the _mountainous_ region beyond, by means of a
_conduit_.
* * * * *
From the _congeries_ presented to the professor, he, at his _leisure_,
_isolated_ each genus and gave _generic_ names to each; and at the
next meeting of the _lyceum_, he solicited attention to his _data_ and
the _truths_ he had deduced.
* * * * *
The handsome _contour_ of _Madame_ G's face has been spoiled by an
_excrescence_ like a _raspberry_ on her _nasal_ organ.
* * * * *
Young _Philemon_ after reading _Lalla Rookh_, _Lara_, Don _Juan_, The
_Giaour_, the productions of Mrs. _Hemans_, and a few others, was
seized with the determination to become a poet; but he has only
succeeded in becoming a _poetaster_, without any ideas of _prosody_.
More _metrical_ excellence and sense can be found in the _distich_:
"Mary, Mary, quite _contrary_,
How does your garden grow?"
than in any of the _products_ of his brain that he has given us. His
brothers, _Eben_ and _Philander_, have become stage-struck, and expect
to excel in the _Protean_ art. Their _guardian_, himself a great lover
of _drama_, having foolish confidence in their success, grants them
_plenary_ indulgence in all their whims. They are _habitués_ of the
_theatre_, and have fitted up a _suite_ of apartments next to a _suit_
of rooms occupied by some stock actors, with whom they are bound in
_indissoluble_ bonds of friendship. There they spend the day in
practice, and if you should call at any hour, there is no telling what
will present itself to you. Perhaps Macbeth with the _glamour_ of his
eyes, viewing the imaginary _gouts_ of blood; or _Banquo_ with his
gory locks; or some knight with his _cuirass_ on and his _visor_ down,
plunging, without a _qualm_, his carmine-stained _poniard_ into the
_jugular_ of some _patriot_. Possibly, Othello the _Moor_, King John
with the _Magna Charta_, or a _legendary_ warrior of frightful _mien_
with his _falchion_ drawn, will admit you. Or you may see a
_viscount_ with _falcon_, a _rampant_ villain, a _jocund_ host, or an
_irate_, _splenetic_ old man with _spectacles_, pronouncing with
_senile vehemence_ a curse upon some _fragile_ female in _negligee_
before him, who beseeches the aid of an _immobile statue_ in a _niche_
in the wall. You may get there in the nick of time to save Desdemona
by an _exposé_ of _Iago_'so villainy, to rescue Pythias whom Damon
holds by the _nape_ of the neck on the _threshold_ of eternity, or to
restrain the _suicidal_ design of the _Montague_ by informing him that
the fair Capulet is only under the influence of a _soporific_--not
dead. You may arrive soon enough to arouse the womanhood in the
_docile_ Kate, making her less _docible_, and talk woman's rights to
_Petruchio_, making him more _lenient_.
And you will find the guardian of these promising youths, sitting
there all day shouting _encore_ to their absurdities, and not
_rational_ enough to see his _indiscretion_ in permitting their
_frivolity_.
* * * * *
The _ennui_, recently complained of, was relieved by an invitation to
a party given by the _Mesdames_ B., the same you met at the
_conversazione_ of the church _guild_. The ladies received their
guests with their usual _suavity_. Their niece, _Rosamond_, recently
from _Madrid_, was the attraction of the evening; she wore an elegant
_moire_ antique with a profusion of _valenciennes_; she had a
beautiful set of jewelry--_opal_ and diamonds. It was marvelous how
her _tiny_ hands flew over the _piano-forte_. She sings very sweetly
too; her voice is a sort of _mezzo-soprano_. The _naïve_ Miss _Ursula_
was present, nearly smothered in black silk and _guipure_. She looks
much prettier in _dishabille_. The little _piquant_ Miss _Irene_, with
her _plaited_ hair, sang with a voice like a _paroquet_ her favorite,
"_Tassels_ on the Boots." That disgusting young _Leopold_ was there,
feeling as important as a _Rothschild_, making his _salams_, and
_palavering sotto voce_ to all the girls, circulating his _monogram_
cards and sporting his paste pin with its dazzling _facets_. He thinks
he cuts a wide _swath_.
Late in the evening those that were fond of _Terpsichorean_ amusement
were ushered into a room where the _tapestry_ was covered and there
spent several hours in _minuets_, waltzes, quadrilles, etc.
The topics of conversation amongst the more sensible during the
evening were the object of the visit of the new _prelate_, and the
recent speeches of _Disraeli_ and _Thiers_.
Madame B. caused a good deal of merriment by describing an improvement
in her _cuisine_ that had been introduced that day. Bridget, a late
importation from _Belfast_, who had charge of the _culinary_
department, was told to send for some _vermicelli_ to put in the soup,
but she ordered _spermaceti_ instead.
* * * * *
There was an old superstition that when the _sacristan_ caused the
bell in the _cupola_ to toll its _dolorous_ funeral notes, the _manes_
of former friends joined in the solemn _cortege_, and gathering
around the grave moved their lips in inaudible _requiem_, and wrote in
invisible letters upon the tomb, _omega_.
* * * * *
The great _desideratum_ in the successful argument of _disputable_
points, is the possession of an _equable_ temper.
* * * * *
_Alphonso_, while out hunting _partridges_, fell into a _slough_.
Being clothed only in _nainsook_, he took a severe cold, which soon
resulted in _febrile_ symptoms.
* * * * *
Dr. Mastiff's _posthumous monograph_ on "_Rabies_" will soon appear.
The _frontispiece_ represents a group of dogs. Next to the _preface_
is a _memoir_ of the author. It was his own design to have "_Finis_"
placed upon a cut of a tombstone. It almost seems that he had a
_presentiment_ of his death.
* * * * *
_Suffice_ it to say that the dentist gave the patient enough letheon
to produce unconsciousness, and then applied his _forceps_ to the
offending tooth. Letheon, accented on the first syllable, and
_lethean_ are derived from _Lethe_, the name of a river described in
mythology, a draught from which caused forgetfulness.
* * * * *
_Sulphurous_ acid is _gaseous_, not liquid.
* * * * *
It is reported in the _Pall Mall_ Gazette that _Basil_ S., whom you
met several years ago at _Leipsic_, is dead. He lived the life of a
_roué_ for some years in Paris and London, and turned out to be a most
_perfidious_ villain. In the latter city he committed many _heinous_
offenses and acts of _subtle_ knavery that were almost without
_precedent_. He was engaged for a long time in the manufacture of
_spurious_ money by a new _process_, in which dies were taken from
_gutta-percha_ impressions. He had purchased the services of an
experienced professor of _metallurgy_, and the _produce_ of their
crime would have been immense, if some of his other crimes had not
been betrayed. _Placards_, offering a large reward for his arrest,
were posted all over the city. He fled to Venice where he was soon
afterward drowned by falling from a _gondola_, thus cheating the
_gibbet_ of its dues.
* * * * *
The foolish lover, _Ivan_, rendered desperate because his rival
_Darius_ had gained the _precedence_ in _Marion's_ esteem, resolved to
commit suicide and rushed _toward_ the _quay_ and plunged into the
water. Some fishermen rescued him with their _seine_, poured some
_potheen_ down his throat, and carried him home on a piece of
_tarpaulin_. His _sousing_ cured him of his folly, but was a poor
_guerdon_ for his faithfulness.
* * * * *
The _Saracens_, taking advantage of the _strategic_ point, made a
sudden dash into the territory of the _usurper_; while a detachment
_houghed_ the horses of the enemy's _cavalry_, the rest proceeded on a
_predatory_ raid characterized by _rapine_ and terror, and after the
_spoliation_ of the villages, and the burning of the _granaries_,
returned to their own possessions.
* * * * *
_Lionel_, _prejudiced_ against the world on account of _onerous_
cares, concluded to make a _sacrifice_ of his wealth and position and
become a _recluse_. His little _hovel_ on the _heather_, whitened with
lime which he himself _slaked_, and the little flower garden
_redolent_ of spring, present a strange contrast with his former
mansion and magnificent grounds.
* * * * *
_Eva_ answered the _inquiry_ of the French gentleman, "Parlez-vous
français?" with a "Oui;" but when she came to converse with him, he
understood about as much of her _patois_ as he did of _Hindoostanee_.
* * * * *
There is a fabulous report that the _upas_ tree exhales a _subtile_
vapor that is fatal to animal life.
* * * * *
Since _Joshua_ has obtained his lucrative _sinecure_, he spends his
time in riding about in his _phaeton_ and reading _romances_. He is
_loth_ to acknowledge that he was ever a _plebeian_ and did all kinds
of _servile_ work. He is confident that his _genealogy_, if known,
would show that he was unto a _manor_ born, and that some
_supposititious_ child robbed him of his rights.
* * * * *
The knight dropped his _wassail cup_ and sprang to the assistance of
the ladies. "_Gramercy_," _quoth_ they, _simultaneously_.
* * * * *
The _veterinary_ physician said that the disease was _murrain_.
* * * * *
An _infinitesimal_ quantity of _yeast_ excited the fermentation.
* * * * *
_Augustine_ studied _microscopy_ just long enough to learn that a
_monad_ is one of the simplest kind of minute _animalcules_; he then
tried chemistry and _mineralogy_, but he could not master the
_nomenclature_; he then took a fancy for _telegraphy_, but soon
abandoned the idea of becoming a _telegraphist_. At last accounts, he
apprenticed himself to a druggist, but was told to _vamos_ soon after
making up a lot of _Seidlitz_ powders with oxalic instead of
_tartaric_ acid.
* * * * *
_Artemas_ has applied for a _patent_ on an improved _turbine_ wheel.
* * * * *
Mr. B., recollecting the _precedent_ services of his servant, advanced
him money enough to lift the _lien_ on his dwelling.
* * * * *
The _lithographer_ had only a poor _melanotype_ to copy from, but he
succeeded in making an excellent print.
* * * * *
"Thou shalt destroy them that speak _leasing_," is found in the sixth
verse of the fifth _psalm_.
* * * * *
At the examination in _orthoepy_, _Deborah_ had the following words
given to her: _contumely_, _crinoline_, _feudal_, _fetid_, _fetor_,
_gerund_, _gneiss_, _gyrfalcon_, _harem_, _Hawaiian_, _hygiene_,
_lariat_, _leverage_, _nonillion_, _obligatory_, _platina_,
_platinum_, _psalmody_, _psychical_, _purulent_, _pyrites_,
_recherché_, _résumé_, _sacerdotal_, _sacrament_, _schism_, _shekel_,
_stearine_ and _troches_.
* * * * *
The objective, me, is _often_ erroneously used instead of the
_nominative_, I, in answer to the question--"Who is there?"
* * * * *
In the _dramatis personæ_ of "Midsummer Night's Dream," _Oberon_ and
_Titania_, king and queen of the fairies, are introduced.
* * * * *
At the examination in geography, _Ada_ was required to draw a map of
_Asia_, which would have been well done, if she had not drawn
_Persia_, _Afghanistan_ and _Beloochistan_ nearly twice their proper
size. She was then asked to give the location and length of the
_Altai_ and _Vosges_ mountains, and the height of their principal
peaks; a description of the _Aral_, _Adriatic_ and _Caribbean_ seas;
the course and length of the _Amoor_ and _Yang tse-kiang_; and the
location and population of _Valparaiso_ (_Chili_), _Bantam_, (_Java_),
_Norwich_, (Eng.), _Pesth_, _Quebec_, _Valenciennes_, _Neufchatel_,
_Nantes_ and _Aix-la-Chapelle_.
Her sister, _Frances_, was told to draw maps of _Buenos Ayres_ and
_Otaheite_, and to bound _Venezuela_ and _Arkansas_; to give the
length and direction of the _Araguay_, _Juniata_, _Kankakee_,
_Barbados_ and _San Joaquin_; the location of Cape _Agulhas_; the
situation and population of _Bingen_, _Calais_, _Canton_, _Acapulco_,
_Chuquisaca_, _Delhi_, _Dubuque_, _Jeddo_, _Quereturo_, _Truxillo_,
_Leicester_ and _Vevay_, and a description of _Sumatra_, _Zanzibar_,
_Barbadoes_ and the _Antilles_.
* * * * *
_Sigismund_ has just returned from _Yosemite_ Valley.
* * * * *
_Cecily_, _Chloe_ and _Viola_ have just passed their examination in
biography. The names presented to them were the following: _N. S.
Adam_ (Fr.), _G. Adam_ (Ger.), _Beatrice Cenci_, _Blucher_,
_Boccaccio_, _Anne Boleyn_, _Marco Bozzaris_, _Joseph Buonaparte_,
_D'Aubigné_, _Daubigny_, _Drouyn de Lhuys_, _Juarez_, _Lavater_,
_Marat_, _Marion_, _Catherine de Medici_, _Moultrie_, _Ovid_, _Pliny_,
_Ponce de Leon_ and _Richelieu_.