OUR BOY.
The following is a _bona fide_ letter. It is written in such genuine
earnest, and so clearly voices the sentiments of many young men of the
present day, that I am glad to have an opportunity to answer it.
1. Why should I, a fast-growing, hard-working youth of eighteen, who
go every morning, four miles by street-car, to my office, and the same
back at night, often so weary and faint as to be hardly able to sit,
not to say stand, be obliged to give up my seat to any flighty, flashy
girl who has come down-town to shop, or frolic, or do nothing? Isn't
she as able to "swing corners" holding on to a strap as I? and to hold
her own perpendicular in the aisle?
2. Why isn't it as rude for her and her companions to giggle and whisper
and stare, the objects of amusement being her fellow-passengers, as it
would be for me and my fellows? Yet we would be "roughs"--and she and
her crew must be "treated with the deference due the gentler sex." And
why am I a boor if I do not give her my seat, while she is considered a
lady if she takes it without thanking me?
3. Are girls, take them as a rule, as well-bred as boys?
Judging by appearances, it would seem that many men share in the
feeling expressed in your first query. I am not a "flighty, flashy
girl," but I crossed the city the other night in a horse-car in which
there were twenty men and two women--one of them being myself. I
stood, while the score of men sat and lounged comfortably behind their
newspapers. They were tired after a hard day's work, and would have
been wearied still more by standing. A well woman was worn out and a
delicate woman would have been made ill, by this exertion.
My dear boy! let me ask you one question. Why should you, no matter
how tired you are, spring eagerly forward to prevent your sister from
lifting a piece of furniture, or carrying a trunk upstairs? Why not
let her do it? I can imagine your look of indignant surprise. "Why?
because she is a woman! It would nearly kill her!" Exactly so; but you
will swing the burden on your broad, strong shoulders, bear it to its
destination, and the next minute run lightly down-stairs,--perhaps, as
you would say, "a little winded," but not one whit strained in nerve
or muscle.
There lies the difference. The good Lord who made us women had His own
excellent reason for making us physically weaker than men. Perhaps
because, had we their strength, we would be too ambitious. However
that may be, men, as the stronger sex, should help us in our weakness.
Standing in the horse-car that is jostling over a rough track, holding
on with up-stretched arm to a strap and "swinging corners" during a
two-mile ride, would do more harm to a girl of your own age than you
would suffer were you to stand while making a twenty-mile trip. For
humanity's sake, then, if your gallantry does not prompt you to make
sacrifice, do not allow any woman, old or young, to "hold her
perpendicular in the aisle" when you can offer her a seat and while
you have a pair of capable legs upon which to depend for support.
A true gentleman is always unselfish, be he old or young, rested or
weary; and such being the case, the foreign day-laborer, in blue
blouse and hob-nailed boots, who rises and gives a lady his place in
car or omnibus, is the superior of the several-times-a-millionaire, in
finest broadcloth, spotless linen, patent leathers and silk hat, who
sits still, taking refuge behind his newspaper, in which he is
seemingly so deeply absorbed as to be blind to the fact that a woman,
old enough to be his mother, stands near him. With one gentlemanliness
is instinctive, with the other it is, like his largest diamond stud,
worn for show, and even then is a little "off color." I hope it is
hardly necessary to remind you that true courtesy does not stay to
distinguish between a rich or a poor woman, or to notice whether she
is a pretty young girl, fashionably attired, or a decrepit laundress
taking home the week's wash. She is a woman! That should be sufficient
to arouse your manliness.
This is the truthful reply to query No. 1. Not a pleasant answer
perhaps, but an honest one. To make the advice more palatable, take
it with a plentiful seasoning of gratitude for the gift of physical
strength which makes you a man.
And now for No. 2. Here you are right, and your suggestion has had my
serious consideration. Possibly, thoughtlessness may account for the
foolish "whispering and giggling" you mention, but stares and amused
comments upon fellow-passengers are nothing less than acts of
rudeness, be they perpetrated by boy or girl. But two wrongs never yet
made a right, and because a girl is discourteous is no reason why you
should put yourself on the same footing with her, and fail to observe
towards her "the deference due" all women. If you are in a car with a
profane drunkard, you do not copy his actions, or, if obliged to
address him, adopt his style of language.
The glaring defect in the manners and voice of the American girl is
that she is "loud." German Gretchen or Irish Bridget is more likely to
speak softly in public than her rich young mistress. It is often a
shock to the observer when sweet sixteen seated opposite him in the
horse-car, begins conversation with her companion. Her face is gentle,
her whole mien refined,--but, her voice! She talks loudly and laughs
constantly. One beautiful woman whom I have met,--wealthy and
well-educated, always reminds me of a peacock. You doubtless have seen
and heard peafowls often enough to understand the comparison. The
graceful motion and gorgeous plumage demand our admiration, until the
creature, becoming accustomed to our presence, raises his voice in a
piercing call, something between a hoot and a shriek, which causes us
to cover our ears. After such an experience, we turn with relief to
the sober hens who are contented to cluck peacefully through life,
reserving their cackling until they have done something of which to
boast, and wish to inform us that the egg they have laid is at our
disposal.
As a rule the girl who is _prononcée_ in a public conveyance is not
well-bred, and she who laughs loudly and talks noisily, meanwhile
passing comments on those persons who are so unfortunate as to be her
traveling companions, has no claim to the much-abused title of "lady."
But you can hardly compare your manners and those of your friends with
the deportment of low-born, ill-bred girls. I fancy that you would
find that everyone would pronounce sentence as severe upon them as
upon you, were your actions the same.
I have been amazed before this at what I have been told, and at what I
have myself noticed, of the failure of women to thank men who rise and
offer them seats.
It would seem incredible that any person should so far neglect all
semblance of civility as to accept a place thus offered as a matter of
course. It is a kindness on the part of a man, and should always be
met by some acknowledgment. If, when you rise, and lifting your hat,
resign your place to a woman, and she, without a word, accepts it as
her due, your only consolation will be to fall back on the comforting
thought that you have behaved like a gentleman, and that any
discourtesy of hers cannot detract from the merit of your action. You
did not do it for the thanks you might receive, but because it is
right. It is not pessimistic to assert that all through life, we are
working on this principle--not that we may receive the credit for what
we do, but doing good for the good's sake. Do not be so rash as to say
bitterly--"So much for sacrificing my own comfort!" "Catch me giving a
woman my seat again!" and those other foolish, because angry, things
which a vexed boy is tempted to say under such circumstances. Continue
in the good way, hoping that "next time" you may have the pleasure of
doing a favor to a lady who has the breeding to appreciate and be
grateful for an act of courtesy.
Your third question is one difficult to answer. Are girls as well bred
as boys--Yes--and no! Their training lies along different lines. A
few days ago I was talking with a young man who had a grievance. A
girl of his acquaintance had, the night before, been at a reception
which he had also attended. Feeling a little weary she retired to a
comfortable corner of the room, and sat there during the entire
evening. She "did not feel like dancing," and told her hostess "she
would rather sit still." My young friend had a severe headache, but,
although suffering, his appreciation of _les convenances_ would not
allow him to sit down in a secluded niche for fifteen minutes, during
the entire evening. His "grievance" was that had he done this he would
have been voted a boor, while the girl's action was condoned by
hostess and guests. One thing must always be considered--namely, that
a woman's part is, in many points of etiquette, passive. It is the man
who takes the initiative, and who is made such a prominent figure that
all eyes are drawn to him. Have you ever noticed it? Man proposes,
woman accepts. Man stands, woman remains seated. Man lifts his hat,
woman merely bows. Man acts as escort, woman as the escorted. So, when
a man is careless or thoughtless, it is all the more evident. For this
reason, begin as a boy, to observe all the small, sweet courtesies of
life. I often wish there were any one point in which a woman could
show her genuine ladyhood as a man displays his gentlehood by the
management of his hat,--raising it entirely from the head on meeting a
woman, lifting it when the lady with whom he is walking bows to an
acquaintance, or when his man-companion meets a friend, baring his
head on meeting, parting from, or kissing mother, sister or wife.
These, with other points, such as rising when a woman enters the room,
and remaining standing until she is seated, giving her the precedence
in passing in or out of a door, and picking up the handkerchief or
glove she lets fall--are sure indices of the gentleman, or, by their
absence, mark the boor.
But our girl should not think that she can afford to overlook the acts
of tactful courtesy which are her duty as well as her brother's.
Prominent among these she should place the deference due those who are
older than herself. Her temptation is often to exercise a patronizing
toleration toward her elders, and, while she is not actually
disrespectful, she still has the air of a very superior young being
holding converse with a person who has the advantage merely in the
accident of years. Did she realize how ridiculous these very youthful,
foolish manners are, she would blush for herself. She will--when she
has attained the age of discretion.
Another of our girls' mistakes is that of imagining that brusqueness
and pertness are wit. There is no other error more common with girls
from fifteen to eighteen; they generally choose a boy as the butt of
their sarcastic remarks--and, to their shame be it said, they
frequently select a lad who is too courteous to retort in kind.
But these faults in boy and girl alike are evidences of a "freshness"
which wears off as the years roll on, as the green husk, when touched
by the frost, falls away, leaving exposed the glossy brown shell
enclosing the ripe, sweet kernel of the nut.
If this answer to your letter reads like a sermon, pardon one who is
interested in young people, and who, well remembering when she was
young herself, would fain hold out a helping hand to those who are
stumbling on in the path she trod in years gone by.