That a taste for fruit is inherent in man is an opinion which is
sanctioned by the conduct of man in all ages and in all countries. While
some nations have considered it profanation or pollution to nourish
themselves with flesh or solace themselves with fish, while almost every
member of the animal creation has in turn been considered either sacred
or unclean, mankind, in all climes and in all countries, the Hindoo and
the Hebrew, the Egyptian and the Greek, the Roman and the Frank, have,
in some degree, made good their boastful claim to reason, by universally
feeding upon those delightful productions of Nature which are nourished
with the dews of heaven, and which live for ever in its breath.
And, indeed, when we consider how exceedingly refreshing at all times is
the flavour of fruit; how very natural, and, in a manner, born in him,
is man’s inclination for it; how little it is calculated to pall upon
his senses; and how conducive, when not eaten to excess, it is to his
health, as well as to his pleasure; we must not be surprised that a
conviction of its excellence should have been one of those few subjects
on which men have never disagreed.
That some countries are more favoured in their fruit than others is
a fact so notorious that its notice is unnecessary; but we are not
therefore to suppose that their appetite for it is more keen than
the appetite of other nations for their fruit who live in less genial
climes. Indeed, if we were not led to believe that all nations are
inspired by an equal love for this production, it might occasionally
be suspected that some of those nations who are least skilful as
horticulturists evince a greater passion for their inferior growths
than more fortunate people for their choicer produce. The effects of
bad fruit, however, upon the constitution, and consequently upon the
national character, are so injurious that every liberal man must regret
that any people, either from ignorance or obligation, should be forced
to have recourse to anything so fatal, and must feel that it is the
duty of everyone who professes to be a philanthropist to propagate and
encourage a taste for good fruit throughout all countries of the globe.
A vast number of centuries before Popanilla had the fortune to lose his
mistress’s lock of hair, and consequently to become an ambassador
to Vraibleusia, the inhabitants of that island, then scarcely more
civilised than their new allies of Fantaisie were at present, suffered
very considerably from the trash which they devoured, from that innate
taste for fruit already noticed. In fact, although there are antiquaries
who pretend that the Vraibleusians possessed some of the species of wild
plums and apples even at that early period, the majority of inquirers
are disposed to believe that their desserts were solely confined to the
wildest berries, horse-chestnuts, and acorns.
A tradition runs, that while they were committing these abominations
a ship, one of the first ships that had ever touched at the island,
arrived at the present port of Hubbabub, then a spacious and shipless
bay. The master of the vessel, on being brought before the King (for
the story I am recording happened long before the construction of the
miraculous Statue), presented, with his right hand, to his Majesty, a
small pyramidal substance of a golden hue, which seemed to spring out
of green and purple leaves. His Majesty did not exactly understand
the intention of this ceremony; but of course, like a true legitimate,
construed it into a symbol of homage. No sooner had the King brought the
unknown substance near to his eyes, with the intention of scrutinising
its nature, than the fragrance was so delightful that by mistake he
applied it to his mouth. The King, only took one mouthful, and then,
with a cry of rapture, instantly handed the delicacy to his favourite,
who, to the great mortification of the Secretary of State, finished it.
The stranger, however, immediately supplied the surrounding courtiers
from a basket which was slung on his left arm; and no sooner had they
all tasted his gift than they fell upon their knees to worship him,
vowing that the distributor of such delight must be more than man. If
this avowal be considered absurd and extraordinary in this present age
of philosophy, we must not forget to make due allowance for the
palates of individuals who, having been so long accustomed merely to
horse-chestnuts and acorns, suddenly, for the first time in their lives,
tasted Pine-apple.
The stranger, with an air of great humility, disclaimed their proffered
adoration, and told them that, far from being superior to common
mortals, he was, on the contrary, one of the lowliest of the human race;
in fact, he did not wish to conceal it; in spite of his vessel and
his attendants, he was merely a market-gardener on a great scale. This
beautiful fruit he had recently discovered in the East, to which quarter
of the world he annually travelled in order to obtain a sufficient
quantity to supply the great Western hemisphere, of which he himself
was a native. Accident had driven him, with one of his ships, into the
Island of Vraibleusia; and, as the islanders appeared to be pleased with
his cargo, he said that he should have great pleasure in supplying them
at present and receiving their orders for the future.
The proposition was greeted with enthusiasm, The King immediately
entered into a contract with the market-gardener on his own terms.
The sale, or cultivation, or even the eating of all other fruits was
declared high-treason, and pine-apple, for weighty reasons duly recited
in the royal proclamation, announced as the established fruit of the
realm. The cargo, under the superintendence of some of the most trusty
of the crew, was unshipped for the immediate supply of the island; and
the merchant and his customers parted, mutually delighted and mutually
profited.
Time flew on. The civilisation of Vraibleusia was progressive, as
civilisation always is; and the taste for pine-apples ever on the
increase, as the taste for pine-apples ever should be. The supply was
regular and excellent, the prices reasonable, and the tradesmen civil.
They, of course, had not failed to advance in fair proportion with the
national prosperity. Their numbers had much increased as well as their
customers. Fresh agents arrived with every fresh cargo. They had long
quitted the stalls with which they had been contented on their first
settlement in the island, and now were the dapper owners of neat depots
in all parts of the kingdom where depots could find customers.
A few more centuries, and affairs began to change. All that I
have related as matter of fact, and which certainly is not better
authenticated than many other things that happened two or three thousand
years ago, which, however, the most sceptical will not presume to
maintain did not take place, was treated as the most idle and ridiculous
fable by the dealers in pine-apples themselves. They said that they knew
nothing about a market-gardener; that they were, and had always been,
the subjects of the greatest Prince in the world, compared with whom all
other crowned heads ranked merely as subjects did with their immediate
sovereigns. This Prince, they said, lived in the most delicious region
in the world, and the fruit which they imported could only be procured
from his private gardens, where it sprang from one of the trees that
had bloomed in the gardens of the Hesperides. The Vraibleusians were at
first a little surprised at this information, but the old tradition of
the market-gardener was certainly an improbable one; and the excellence
of the fruit and the importance assumed by those who supplied it were
deemed exceedingly good evidence of the truth of the present story. When
the dealers had repeated their new tale for a certain number of years,
there was not an individual in the island who in the slightest degree
suspected its veracity. One more century, and no person had ever heard
that any suspicions had ever existed.
The immediate agents of the Prince of the World could, of course, be no
common personages; and the servants of the gardener, who some centuries
before had meekly disclaimed the proffered reverence of his delighted
customers, now insisted upon constant adoration from every eater of
pine-apples in the island. In spite, however, of the arrogance of the
dealers, of their refusal to be responsible to the laws of the country
in which they lived, and of the universal precedence which, on all
occasions, was claimed even by the shop-boys, so decided was the taste
which the Vraibleusians had acquired for pine-apples that there
is little doubt that, had the dealers in this delicious fruit been
contented with the respect and influence and profit which were the
consequences of their vocation, the Vraibleusians would never have
presumed to have grumbled at their arrogance or to have questioned their
privileges. But the agents, wearied of the limited sphere to which their
exertions were confined, and encouraged by the success which every new
claim and pretence on their part invariably experienced, began to evince
an inclination to interfere in other affairs besides those of fruit, and
even expressed their willingness to undertake no less an office than the
management of the Statue.
A century or two were solely occupied by conflicts occasioned by the
unreasonable ambition of these dealers in pine-apples. Such great
political effects could be produced by men apparently so unconnected
with politics as market-gardeners! Ever supported by the lower ranks,
whom they supplied with fruit of the most exquisite flavour without
charge, they were, for a long time, often the successful opponents,
always the formidable adversaries, of the Vraibleusian aristocracy, who
were the objects of their envy and the victims of their rapaciousness.
The Government at last, by a vigorous effort, triumphed. In spite of the
wishes of the majority of the nation, the whole of the dealers were one
day expelled the island, and the Managers of the Statue immediately took
possession of their establishments.
By distributing the stock of fruit which was on hand liberally, the
Government, for a short time, reconciled the people to the chance; but
as their warehouses became daily less furnished they were daily reminded
that, unless some system were soon adopted, the Islanders must be
deprived of a luxury to which they had been so long accustomed that its
indulgence had, in fact, become a second nature. No one of the managers
had the hardihood to propose a recurrence to horse-chestnuts. Pride and
fear alike forbade a return to their old purveyor. Other fruits there
were which, in spite of the contract with the market-gardener, had at
various times been secretly introduced into the island; but they had
never greatly flourished, and the Statue was loth to recommend to the
notice of his subjects productions an indulgence in which, through the
instigation of the recently-expelled agents, it had so often denounced
as detrimental to the health, and had so often discouraged by the
severest punishments.
At this difficult and delicate crisis, when even expedients seemed
exhausted and statesmen were at fault, the genius of an individual
offered a substitute. An inventive mind discovered the power of
propagating suckers. The expelled dealers had either been ignorant of
this power, or had concealed their knowledge of it. They ever maintained
that it was impossible for pine-apples to grow except in one spot, and
that the whole earth must be supplied from the gardens of the palace of
the Prince of the World. Now, the Vraibleusians were flattered with the
patriotic fancy of eating pine-apples of a home-growth; and the blessed
fortune of that nation, which did not depend for their supply of fruit
upon a foreign country, was eagerly expatiated on. Secure from extortion
and independent of caprice, the Vraibleusians were no longer to be
insulted by the presence of foreigners; who, while they violated
their laws with impunity, referred the Vraibleusians, when injured and
complaining, to a foreign master.
No doubt this appeal to the patriotism, and the common sense, and the
vanity of the nation would have been successful had not the produce of
the suckers been both inferior in size and deficient in flavour. The
Vraibleusians tasted and shook their heads. The supply, too, was as
imperfect as the article; for the Government gardeners were but sorry
horticulturists, and were ever making experiments and alterations in
their modes of culture. The article was scarce, though the law had
decreed it universal; and the Vraibleusians were obliged to feed upon
fruit which they considered at the same time both poor and expensive.
They protested as strongly against the present system as its
promulgators had protested against the former one, and they revenged
themselves for their grievances by breaking the shop-windows.
As any result was preferable, in the view of the Statue, to the
re-introduction of foreign fruit and foreign agents, and as the Managers
considered it highly important that an indissoluble connection should in
future exist between the Government and so influential and profitable a
branch of trade, they determined to adopt the most vigorous measures to
infuse a taste for suckers in the discontented populace. But the eating
of fruit being clearly a matter of taste, it is evidently a habit which
should rather be encouraged by a plentiful supply of exquisite
produce than enforced by the introduction of burning and bayonets. The
consequences of the strong measures of the Government were universal
discontent and partial rebellion. The Islanders, foolishly ascribing the
miseries which they endured, not so much to the folly of the Government
as to the particular fruit through which the dissensions had originated,
began to entertain a disgust for pine-apples altogether, and to sicken
at the very mention of that production which had once occasioned them
so much pleasure, and which had once commanded such decided admiration.
They universally agreed that there were many other fruits in the world
besides Pine-apple which had been too long neglected. One dilated on the
rich flavour of Melon; another panegyrised Pumpkin, and offered to make
up by quantity for any slight deficiency in gout; Cherries were not
without their advocates; Strawberries were not forgotten. One maintained
that the Fig had been pointed out for the established fruit of all
countries; while another asked, with a reeling eye, whether they need
go far to seek when a God had condescended to preside over the Grape!
In short, there was not a fruit which flourishes that did not find
its votaries. Strange to say, another foreign product, imported from a
neighbouring country famous for its barrenness, counted the most; and
the fruit faction which chiefly frightened the Vraibleusian Government
was an acid set, who crammed themselves with Crab-apples.
It was this party which first seriously and practically conceived the
idea of utterly abolishing the ancient custom of eating pine-apples.
While they themselves professed to devour no other fruit save crabs,
they at the same time preached the doctrine of an universal fruit
toleration, which they showed would be the necessary and natural
consequence of the destruction of the old monopoly. Influenced by
these representations, the great body of the people openly joined the
Crab-apple men in their open attacks. The minority, who still retained
a taste for pines, did not yield without an arduous though ineffectual
struggle. During the riots occasioned by this rebellion the Hall of
Audience was broken open, and the miraculous Statue, which was reputed
to have a great passion for pine-apples, dashed to the ground. The
Managers were either slain or disappeared. The whole affairs of the
kingdom were conducted by a body called ‘the Fruit Committee;’ and thus
a total revolution of the Government of Vraibleusia was occasioned by
the prohibition of foreign pine-apples. What an argument in favour of
free-trade!
Every fruit, except that one which had so recently been supported by
the influence of authority and the terrors of law, might now be seen
and devoured in the streets of Hubbabub. In one corner men were sucking
oranges, as if they had lived their whole lives on salt: in another,
stuffing pumpkin, like cannibals at their first child. Here one took in
at a mouthful a bunch of grapes, from which might have been pressed
a good quart. Another was lying on the ground from a surfeit of
mulberries. The effect of this irrational excess will be conceived by
the judicious reader. Calcutta itself never suffered from a cholera
morbus half so fearful. Thousands were dying. Were I Thucydides or
Boccaccio, I would write pages on this plague. The commonwealth itself
must soon have yielded its ghost, for all order had ceased throughout
the island ever since they had deserted pine-apples. There was no
Government: anarchy alone was perfect. Of the Fruit Committee, many of
the members were dead or dying, and the rest were robbing orchards.
At this moment of disorganisation and dismay a stout soldier, one of the
crab-apple faction, who had possessed sufficient command over himself,
in spite of the seeming voracity of his appetite, not to indulge to
a dangerous excess, made his way one morning into the old Hall of
Audience, and there, groping about, succeeded in finding the golden
head of the Statue; which placing on the hilt of his sword, the point of
which he had stuck in the pedestal, he announced to the city that he
had discovered the secret of conversing with this wonderful piece of
mechanism, and that in future he would take care of the health and
fortune of the State.
There were some who thought it rather strange that the head-piece should
possess the power of resuming its old functions, although deprived
of the aid of the body which contained the greater portion of the
machinery. As it was evidently well supported by the sword, they were
not surprised that it should stand without the use of its legs. But the
stout soldier was the only one in the island who enjoyed the blessing of
health. He was fresh, vigorous, and vigilant; they, exhausted, weak,
and careless of everything except cure. He soon took measures for the
prevention of future mischief and for the cure of the present; and when
his fellow-islanders had recovered, some were grateful, others fearful,
and all obedient.
So long as the stout soldier lived, no dissensions on the subject of
fruit ever broke out. Although he himself never interfered in the sale
of the article, and never attempted to create another monopoly, still,
by his influence and authority, he prevented any excess being occasioned
by the Fruit toleration which was enjoyed. Indeed, the Vraibleusians
themselves had suffered so severely from their late indiscretions that
such excesses were not likely again to occur. People began to discover
that it was not quite so easy a thing as they had imagined for every
man to be his own Fruiterer; and that gardening was a craft which,
like others, required great study, long practice, and early experience.
Unable to supply themselves, the majority became the victims of quack
traders. They sickened of spongy apricots, and foxy pears, and withered
plums, and blighted apples, and tasteless berries. They at length
suspected that a nation might fare better if its race of fruiterers were
overseen and supported by the State, if their skill and their market
were alike secured. Although, no longer being tempted to suffer from a
surfeit, the health of the Islanders had consequently recovered, this
was, after all, but a negative blessing, and they sadly missed a luxury
once so reasonable and so refreshing. They sighed for an established
fruit and a protected race of cultivators. But the stout soldier was so
sworn an enemy to any Government Fruit, and so decided an admirer of the
least delightful, that the people, having no desire of being forced to
cat crab-apples, only longed for more delicious food in silence.
At length the stout soldier died, and on the night of his death the
sword which had so long supported the pretended Government snapped in
twain. No arrangement existed for carrying on the administration of
affairs. The master-mind was gone, without having imported the secret of
conversing with the golden head to any successor. The people assembled
in agitated crowds. Each knew his neighbour’s thoughts without their
being declared. All smacked their lips, and a cry for pine-apples rent
the skies.
At this moment the Aboriginal Inhabitant appeared, and announced that
in examining the old Hall of Audience, which had been long locked up,
he had discovered in a corner, where they had been flung by the stout
soldier when he stole away the head, the remaining portions of the
Statue; that they were quite uninjured, and that on fixing the head once
more upon them, and winding up the works, he was delighted to find that
this great work of his ancestor, under whose superintendence the nation
had so flourished, resumed all its ancient functions. The people were
in a state of mind for a miracle, and they hailed the joyful wonder with
shouts of triumph. The State was placed under the provisional care of
the Aboriginal. All arrangements for its superintendence were left
to his discretion, and its advice was instantly to be taken upon that
subject which at present was nearest the people’s hearts.
But that subject was encompassed with difficulties. Pine-apples could
only be again procured by an application to the Prince of the World,
whose connection they had rejected, and by an introduction into
the island of those foreign agents, who, now convinced that the
Vraibleusians could not exist without their presence, would be more
arrogant and ambitious and turbulent than ever. Indeed, the Aboriginal
feared that the management of the Statue would be the sine qua non of
negotiation with the Prince. If this were granted, it was clear that
Vraibleusia must in future only rank as a dependent state of a foreign
power, since the direction of the whole island would actually be at
the will of the supplier of pine-apples. Ah! this mysterious taste for
fruit! In politics it has often occasioned infinite embarrassment.
At this critical moment the Aboriginal received information that,
although the eating of pine-apples had been utterly abolished, and
although it was generally supposed that a specimen of this fruit had
long ceased to exist in the country, nevertheless a body of persons,
chiefly consisting of the descendants of the Government gardeners who
had succeeded the foreign agents, and who had never lost their taste for
this pre-eminent fruit, had long been in the habit of secretly raising,
for their private eating, pine-apples from the produce of those suckers
which had originally excited such odium and occasioned such misfortunes.
Long practice, they said, and infinite study, had so perfected them in
this art that they now succeeded in producing pine-apples which, both
for size and flavour, were not inferior to the boasted produce of a
foreign clime. Their specimens verified their assertion, and the whole
nation were invited to an instant trial. The long interval which had
elapsed since any man had enjoyed a treat so agreeable lent, perhaps, an
additional flavour to that which was really excellent; and so enraptured
and enthusiastic were the great majority of the people that the
propagators of suckers would have had no difficulty, had they pushed
the point, in procuring as favourable and exclusive a contract as the
market-gardener of ancient days.
But the Aboriginal and his advisers were wisely mindful that the
passions of a people are not arguments for legislation; and they felt
conscious that when the first enthusiasm had subsided and when their
appetites were somewhat satisfied, the discontented voices of many who
had been long used to other fruits would be recognised even amidst the
shouts of the majority. They therefore greatly qualified the contract
between the nation and the present fruiterers. An universal Toleration
of Fruit was allowed; but no man was to take office under Government, or
enter the services, or in any way become connected with the Court, who
was not supplied from the Government depots.
Since this happy restoration Pine-apple has remained the established
fruit of the Island of Vraibleusia; and, it must be confessed, has
been found wonderfully conducive to the health and happiness of the
Islanders. Some sectarians still remain obstinate, or tasteless enough
to prefer pumpkin, or gorge the most acid apples, or chew the commonest
pears; but they form a slight minority, which will gradually
altogether disappear. The votaries of Pine-apple pretend to observe the
characteristic effect which such food produces upon the feeders. They
denounce them as stupid, sour, and vulgar.
But while, notwithstanding an universal toleration, such an unanimity
of taste apparently prevails throughout the island, as if Fruit were
a subject of such peculiar nicety that difference of opinion must
necessarily rise among men, great Fruit factions even now prevail in
Vraibleusia; and, what is more extraordinary, prevail even among the
admirers of pine-apples themselves. Of these, the most important is a
sect which professes to discover a natural deficiency not only in all
other fruits, but even in the finest pine-apples. Fruit, they maintain,
should never be eaten in the state in which Nature yields it to man;
and they consequently are indefatigable in prevailing upon the less
discriminating part of mankind to heighten the flavour of their
pine-apples with ginger, or even with pepper. Although they profess to
adopt these stimulants from the great admiration which they entertain
for a high flavour, there are, nevertheless, some less ardent people
who suspect that they rather have recourse to them from the weakness of
their digestion.