My regiment left New York by night in a flare of torch and rocket. The
streets were lined with crowds now hardened to the sound of fife and
drum and the pomp of military preparation. I had a very high and mighty
feeling in me that wore away in the discomfort of travel. For hours
after the train started we sang and told stories, and ate peanuts and
pulled and hauled at each other in a cloud of tobacco smoke. The train
was sidetracked here and there, and dragged along at a slow pace.
Young men with no appreciation, as it seemed to me, of the sad business
we were off upon, went roistering up and down the aisles, drinking out
of bottles and chasing around the train as it halted. These revellers
grew quiet as the night wore on. The boys began to close their eyes
and lie back for rest. Some lay in the aisle, their heads upon their
knapsacks. The air grew chilly and soon I could hear them snoring all
about me and the chatter of frogs in the near marshes. I closed my eyes
and vainly courted sleep. A great sadness had lain hold of me. I had
already given up my life for my country--I was only going away now to
get as dear a price for it as possible in the hood of its enemies. When
and where would it be taken? I wondered. The fear had mostly gone out
of me in days and nights of solemn thinking. The feeling I had, with its
flavour of religion, is what has made the volunteer the mighty soldier
he has ever been, I take it, since Naseby and Marston Moor. The soul is
the great Captain, and with a just quarrel it will warm its sword in the
enemy, however he may be trained to thrust and parry. In my sacrifice
there was but one reservation--I hoped I should not be horribly cut with
a sword or a bayonet. I had written a long letter to Hope, who was yet
at Leipzig. I wondered if she would care what became of me. I got a
sense of comfort thinking I would show her that I was no coward, with
all my littleness. I had not been able to write to Uncle Eb or to my
father or mother in any serious tone of my feeling in this enterprise.
I had treated it as a kind of holiday from which I should return shortly
to visit them.
All about me seemed to be sleeping--some of them were talking in their
dreams. As it grew light, one after another rose and stretched himself,
rousing his seat companion. The train halted, a man shot a musket voice
in at the car door. It was loaded with the many syllables of 'Annapolis
Junction'. We were pouring out of the train shortly, to bivouac for
breakfast in the depot yard. So I began the life of a soldier, and how
it ended with me many have read in better books than this, but my story
of it is here and only here.
We went into camp there on the lonely flats of east Maryland for a day
or two, as we supposed, but really for quite two weeks. In the long
delay that followed, my way traversed the dead levels of routine. When
Southern sympathy had ceased to wreak its wrath upon the railroads about
Baltimore we pushed on to Washington. There I got letters from Uncle Eb
and Elizabeth Brower. The former I have now in my box of treasures--a
torn and faded remnant of that dark period.
DEAR SIR 'pen in hand to hat you know that we are all wel. also that we
was sorry you could not come horn. They took on terribul. Hope she wrote
a letter. Said she had not herd from you. also that somebody wrote to
her you was goin to be married. You had oughter write her a letter,
Bill. Looks to me so you hain't used her right. Shes a comm horn in
July. Sowed corn to day in the gardin. David is off byin catul. I hope
God will take care uv you, boy, so goodbye from yours truly
EBEN HOLDEN
I wrote immediately to Uncle Eb and told him of the letters I had sent
to Hope, and of my effort to see her.
Late in May, after Virginia had seceded, some thirty thousand of us were
sent over to the south side of the Potomac, where for weeks we tore the
flowery fields, lining the shore with long entrenchments.
Meantime I wrote three letters to Mr Greeley, and had the satisfaction
of seeing them in the Tribune. I took much interest in the camp drill,
and before we crossed the river I had been raised to the rank of first
lieutenant. Every day we were looking for the big army of Beauregard,
camping below Centreville, some thirty miles south.
Almost every night a nervous picket set the camp in uproar by
challenging a phantom of his imagination. We were all impatient as
hounds in leash. Since they would not come up and give us battle we
wanted to be off and have it out with them. And the people were tired of
delay. The cry of 'ste'boy!' was ringing all over the north. They wanted
to cut us loose and be through with dallying.
Well, one night the order came; we were to go south in the
morning--thirty thousand of us, and put an end to the war. We did not
get away until afternoon--it was the 6th of July. When we were off,
horse and foot, so that I could see miles of the blue column before and
behind me, I felt sorry for the mistaken South. On the evening of the
18th our camp-fires on either side of the pike at Centreville glowed
like the lights of a city. We knew the enemy was near, and began to feel
a tightening of the nerves. I wrote a letter to the folks at home for
post mortem delivery, and put it into my trousers pocket. A friend in my
company called me aside after mess.
'Feel of that,' he said, laying his hand on a full breast.
'Feathers!' he whispered significantly. 'Balls can't go through 'em, ye
know. Better n a steel breastplate! Want some?
'Don't know but I do,' said I.
We went into his tent, where he had a little sack full, and put a good
wad of them between my two shirts.
'I hate the idee o'bein'hit 'n the heart,' he said. 'That's too awful.
I nodded my assent.
'Shouldn't like t'have a ball in my lungs, either,' he added. ''Tain't
necessary fer a man t'die if he can only breathe. If a man gits his
leg shot off an' don't lose his head an' keeps drawin' his breath right
along smooth an even, I don't see why he can't live.
Taps sounded. We went asleep with our boots on, but nothing happened.
Three days and nights we waited. Some called it a farce, some swore,
some talked of going home. I went about quietly, my bosom under its pad
of feathers. The third day an order came from headquarters. We were
to break camp at one-thirty in the morning and go down the pike
after Beauregard. In the dead of the night the drums sounded. I rose,
half-asleep, and heard the long roll far and near. I shivered in the
cold night air as I made ready, the boys about me buckled on knapsacks,
shouldered their rifles, and fell into line. Muffled in darkness there
was an odd silence in the great caravan forming rapidly and waiting for
the word to move. At each command to move forward I could hear only
the rub of leather, the click, click of rifle rings, the stir of the
stubble, the snorting of horses. When we had marched an hour or so I
could hear the faint rumble of wagons far in the rear. As I came high on
a hill top, in the bending column, the moonlight fell upon a league
of bayonets shining above a cloud of dust in the valley--a splendid
picture, fading into darkness and mystery. At dawn we passed a bridge
and halted some three minutes for a bite. After a little march we left
the turnpike, with Hunter's column bearing westward on a crossroad that
led us into thick woods. As the sunlight sank in the high tree-tops the
first great battle of the war began. Away to the left of us a cannon
shook the earth, hurling its boom into the still air. The sound rushed
over us, rattling in the timber like a fall of rocks. Something went
quivering in me. It seemed as if my vitals had gone into a big lump
of jelly that trembled every step I took. We quickened our pace; we
fretted, we complained. The weariness went out of our legs; some wanted
to run. Before and behind us men were shouting hotly, 'Run, boys! run!'
The cannon roar was now continuous. We could feel the quake of it. When
we came over a low ridge, in the open, we could see the smoke of battle
in the valley. Flashes of fire and hoods of smoke leaped out of the far
thickets, left of us, as cannon roared. Going at double quick we began
loosening blankets and haversacks, tossing them into heaps along the
line of march, without halting. In half an hour we stood waiting in
battalions, the left flank of the enemy in front. We were to charge at
a run. Half-way across the valley we were to break into companies and,
advancing, spread into platoons and squads, and at last into line of
skirmishers, lying down for cover between rushes.
'Forward!' was the order, and we were off, cheering as we ran. O, it was
a grand sight! our colours flying, our whole front moving, like a blue
wave on a green, immeasurable sea. And it had a voice like that of many
waters. Out of the woods ahead of us came a lightning flash. A ring of
smoke reeled upward. Then came a deafening crash of thunders--one upon
another, and the scream of shells overhead. Something stabbed into our
column right beside me. Many went headlong, crying out as they fell.
Suddenly the colours seemed to halt and sway like a tree-top in the
wind. Then down they went!--squad and colours--and we spread to pass
them. At the order we halted and laid down and fired volley after volley
at the grey coats in the edge of the thicket A bullet struck in the
grass ahead of me, throwing a bit of dirt into my eyes. Another brushed
my hat off and I heard a wailing death yell behind me. The colonel rode
up waving a sword.
'Get up an' charge!' he shouted.
On we went, cheering loudly, firing as we ran, Bullets went by me
hissing in my ears, and I kept trying to dodge them. We dropped again
flat on our faces.
A squadron of black-horse cavalry came rushing out of the woods at us,
the riders yelling as they waved their swords. Fortunately we had not
time to rise. A man near me tried to get up.
'Stay down!' I shouted.
In a moment I learned something new about horses. They went over us like
a flash. I do not think a man was trampled. Our own cavalry kept them
busy as soon as they had passed.
Of the many who had started there was only a ragged remnant near me. We
fired a dozen volleys lying there. The man at my elbow rolled upon me,
writhing like a worm in the fire.
'We shall all be killed!' a man shouted. 'Where is the colonel?'
'Dead,' said another.
'Better retreat,' said a third.
'Charge!' I shouted as loudly as ever I could, jumping to my feet and
waving my sabre as I rushed forward. 'Charge!'
It was the one thing needed--they followed me. In a moment we had hurled
ourselves upon the grey line thrusting with sword and bayonet.
They broke before us--some running, some fighting desperately.
A man threw a long knife at me out of a sling. Instinctively I caught
the weapon as if it had been a ball hot off the bat. In doing so I
dropped my sabre and was cut across the fingers. He came at me fiercely,
clubbing his gun--a raw-boned, swarthy giant, broad as a barn door. I
caught the barrel as it came down. He tried to wrench it away, but I
held firmly. Then he began to push up to me. I let him come, and in a
moment we were grappling hip and thigh. He was a powerful man, but that
was my kind of warfare. It gave me comfort when I felt the grip of his
hands. I let him tug a jiffy, and then caught him with the old hiplock,
and he went under me so hard I could hear the crack of his bones. Our
support came then. We made him prisoner, with some two hundred other
men. Reserves came also and took away the captured guns. My comrades
gathered about me, cheering, but I had no suspicion of what they meant.
I thought it a tribute to my wrestling. Men lay thick there back of the
guns--some dead, some calling faintly for help. The red puddles about
them were covered with flies; ants were crawling over their faces. I
felt a kind of sickness and turned away.
What was left of my regiment formed in fours to join the advancing
column. Horses were galloping riderless, rein and stirrup flying, some
horribly wounded. One hobbled near me, a front leg gone at the knee.
Shells were flying overhead; cannonballs were ricocheting over the level
valley, throwing turf in the air, tossing the dead and wounded that lay
thick and helpless.
Some were crumpled like a rag, as if the pain of death had withered
them in their clothes; some swollen to the girth of horses; some bent
backward, with arms outreaching like one trying an odd trick, some
lay as if listening eagerly, an ear close to the ground; some like a
sleeper, their heads upon their arms; one shrieked loudly, gesturing
with bloody hands, 'Lord God Almighty, have mercy on me!
I had come suddenly to a new world, where the lives of men were cheaper
than blind puppies. I was a new sort of creature, and reckless of what
came, careless of all I saw and heard.
A staff officer stepped up to me as we joined the main body.
'You ve been shot, young man,' he said, pointing to my left hand.
Before he could turn I felt a rush of air and saw him fly into pieces,
some of which hit me as I fell backward. I did not know what had
happened; I know not now more than that I have written. I remember
feeling something under me, like a stick of wood, bearing hard upon my
ribs. I tried to roll off it, but somehow, it was tied to me and kept
hurting. I put my hand over my hip and felt it there behind me--my own
arm! The hand was like that of a dead man--cold and senseless. I pulled
it from under me and it lay helpless; it could not lift itself. I knew
now that I, too, had become one of the bloody horrors of the battle.
I struggled to my feet, weak and trembling, and sick with nausea. I must
have been lying there a long time. The firing was now at a distance: the
sun had gone half down the sky. They were picking up the wounded in the
near field. A man stood looking at me. 'Good God!' he shouted, and then
ran away like one afraid. There was a great mass of our men back of me
some twenty rods. I staggered toward them, my knees quivering.
'I can never get there,' I heard myself whisper.
I thought of my little flask of whiskey, and, pulling the cork with my
teeth, drank the half of it. That steadied me and I made better headway.
I could hear the soldiers talking as I neared them.
'Look a there!' I heard many saying. 'See 'em come! My God! Look at 'em
on the hill there!
The words went quickly from mouth to mouth. In a moment I could hear the
murmur of thousands. I turned to see what they were looking at. Across
the valley there was a long ridge, and back of it the main position
of the Southern army. A grey host was pouring over it--thousand upon
thousand--in close order, debouching into the valley.
A big force of our men lay between us and them. As I looked I could see
a mighty stir in it. Every man of them seemed to be jumping up in the
air. From afar came the sound of bugles calling 'retreat, the shouting
of men, the rumbling of wagons. It grew louder. An officer rode by me
hatless, and halted, shading his eyes. Then he rode back hurriedly.
'Hell has broke loose!' he shouted, as he passed me.
The blue-coated host was rushing towards us like a flood: artillery,
cavalry, infantry, wagon train. There was a mighty uproar in the men
behind me--a quick stir of feet. Terror spread over them like the
travelling of fire. It shook their tongues. The crowd began caving at
the edge and jamming at the centre. Then it spread like a swarm of bees
shaken off a bush.
'Run! Run for your lives!' was a cry that rose to heaven.
'Halt, you cowards!' an officer shouted.
It was now past three o clock.
The raw army had been on its feet since midnight. For hours it had
been fighting hunger, a pain in the legs, a quivering sickness at the
stomach, a stubborn foe. It had turned the flank of Beauregard; victory
was in sight. But lo! a new enemy was coming to the fray, innumerable,
unwearied, eager for battle. The long slope bristled with his bayonets.
Our army looked and cursed and began letting go. The men near me
were pausing on the brink of awful rout. In a moment they were off,
pell-mell, like a flock of sheep. The earth shook under them. Officers
rode around them, cursing, gesticulating, threatening, but nothing could
stop them. Half a dozen trees had stood in the centre of the roaring
mass. Now a few men clung to them--a remnant of the monster that had
torn away. But the greater host was now coming. The thunder of its many
feet was near me; a cloud of dust hung over it. A squadron of cavalry
came rushing by and broke into the fleeing mass. Heavy horses, cut free
from artillery, came galloping after them, straps flying over foamy
flanks. Two riders clung to the back of each, lashing with whip and
rein. The nick of wagons came after them, wheels rattling, horses
running, voices shrilling in a wild hoot of terror. It makes me tremble
even now, as I think of it, though it is muffled under the cover of
nearly forty years! I saw they would go over me. Reeling as if drunk, I
ran to save myself. Zigzagging over the field I came upon a grey-bearded
soldier lying in the grass and fell headlong. I struggled madly, but
could not rise to my feet. I lay, my face upon the ground, weeping like
a woman. Save I be lost in hell, I shall never know again the bitter
pang of that moment. I thought of my country. I saw its splendid capital
in ruins; its people surrendered to God's enemies.
The rout of wagons had gone by I could now hear the heavy tramp of
thousands passing me, the shrill voices of terror. I worked to a sitting
posture somehow--the effort nearly smothered me. A mass of cavalry was
bearing down upon me. They were coming so thick I saw they would trample
me into jelly. In a flash I thought of what Uncle Eb had told me once.
I took my hat and covered my face quickly, and then uncovered it as they
came near. They sheared away as I felt the foam of their nostrils. I had
split them as a rock may split the torrent. The last of them went over
me--their tails whipping my face. I shall not soon forget the look
of their bellies or the smell of their wet flanks. They had no sooner
passed than I fell back and rolled half over like a log. I could feel
a warm flow of blood trickling down my left arm. A shell, shot at the
retreating army, passed high above me, whining as it flew. Then my mind
went free of its trouble. The rain brought me to as it came pelting down
upon the side of my face. I wondered what it might be, for I knew
not where I had come. I lifted my head and looked to see a new
dawn--possibly the city of God itself. It was dark--so dark I felt as if
I had no eyes. Away in the distance I could hear the beating of a drum.
It rang in a great silence--I have never known the like of it. I could
hear the fall and trickle of the rain, but it seemed only to deepen the
silence. I felt the wet grass under my face and hands. Then I knew it
was night and the battlefield where I had fallen. I was alive and might
see another day--thank God! I felt something move under my feet I heard
a whisper at my shoulder.
'Thought you were dead long ago,' it said.
'No, no,' I answered, 'I'm alive--I know I'm alive--this is the
battlefield.
''Fraid I ain't goin' t' live,' he said. 'Got a terrible wound. Wish it
was morning.'
'Dark long?' I asked.
'For hours,' he answered. 'Dunno how many.'
He began to groan and utter short prayers.
'O, my soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the
morning,' I heard him cry in a loud, despairing voice.
Then there was a bit of silence, in which I could hear him whispering of
his home and people.
Presently he began to sing:
'Guide me, O thou great Jehovah!
Pilgrim through this barren land
I am weak but thou art mighty'
His voice broke and trembled and sank into silence.
I had business of my own to look after--perhaps I had no time to
lose--and I went about it calmly. I had no strength to move and began to
feel the nearing of my time. The rain was falling faster. It chilled me
to the marrow as I felt it trickling over my back. I called to the man
who lay beside me--again and again I called to him--but got no answer.
Then I knew that he was dead and I alone. Long after that in the far
distance I heard a voice calling. It rang like a trumpet in the still
air. It grew plainer as I listened. My own name! William Brower? It was
certainly calling to me, and I answered with a feeble cry. In a moment
I could hear the tramp of someone coming. He was sitting beside me
presently, whoever it might be. I could not see him for the dark. His
tongue went clucking as if he pitied me.
'Who are you?' I remember asking, but got no answer.
At first I was glad, then I began to feel a mighty horror of him.
In a moment he had picked me up and was making off. The jolt of his step
seemed to be breaking my arms at the shoulder. As I groaned he ran. I
could see nothing in the darkness, but he went ahead, never stopping,
save for a moment, now and then, to rest I wondered where he was taking
me and what it all meant. I called again, 'Who are you?' but he seemed
not to hear me. 'My God!' I whispered to myself, 'this is no man--this
is Death severing the soul from the body. The voice was that of the good
God.' Then I heard a man hailing near by.
'Help, Help!' I shouted faintly.
'Where are you?' came the answer, now further away. 'Can't see you.'
My mysterious bearer was now running. My heels were dragging upon the
ground; my hands were brushing the grass tops. I groaned with pain.
'Halt! Who comes there?' a picket called. Then I could hear voices.
'Did you hear that noise?' said one. 'Somebody passed me. So dark can't
see my hand before me.
'Darker than hell!' said another voice.
It must be a giant, I thought, who can pick me up and carry me as if
I were no bigger than a house cat. That was what I was thinking when I
swooned.
From then till I came to myself in the little church at Centreville I
remember nothing. Groaning men lay all about me; others stood between
them with lanterns. A woman was bending over me. I felt the gentle touch
of her hand upon my face and heard her speak to me so tenderly I cannot
think of it, even now, without thanking God for good women. I clung to
her hand, clung with the energy of one drowning, while I suffered the
merciful torture of the probe, the knife and the needle. And when it was
all over and the lantern lights grew pale in the dawn I fell asleep.
But enough of blood and horror. War is no holiday, my merry people, who
know not the mighty blessing of peace. Counting the cost, let us have
war, if necessary, but peace, peace if possible.