"Pardon me, I must first tell you all; then you will kindly say what
you think of this amazing performance.
"The little colonel, who had the leanness and redness of a boiled
shrimp, now took up the talk, and this other idiot said: 'My friend
the baron will, no doubt, postpone the pleasure of meeting monsieur;
and now, as monsieur is no longer indisposed to satisfy our principal,
and, as we understand it, declines to explain or apologize,--in fact,
admits, by his inclination to meet our friend, what he seemed to
deny,--may we have the honor to know when monsieur's seconds will wait
on us? Here is my card.'
"The little man was posing beautifully. I laid his card on the table
and said, 'Be so good, gentlemen, as to understand that I have not
retracted my statement, but that if the count insists, as you do, that
I lie,--that, at least, is decent cause for a quarrel,--he can have
it.'
"The little man replied that the count could not do otherwise.
"'Very good,' said I.--No, don't interrupt this charming story, Mr.
Greville; let me go on. There is more of it and better.
"My colonel then said, 'We shall expect to hear from you--and, by the
way, I understand from monsieur's card that he is an American.'
"I said, 'Yes; captain Second Infantry.'
"'Ah, a soldier--really! In the army of the Confederation, I presume.
We shall be enchanted to meet monsieur's friends.'
"'What!' I said; 'does monsieur the colonel wish to insult me? I am of
the North.'
"'A thousand pardons!'
"'No matter. You will hear from me shortly, or as soon as I am able
to find gentlemen who will be my seconds.' This seemed to suit them
until I remarked that, to save time, being the challenged party, I
might as well say that my friends would insist on the rifle at thirty
paces.
"'But monsieur, that is unusual, barbarous!' said the little man.
"'Indeed!' said I. 'Then suppose we say revolvers at twelve paces or
less. I have no prejudices.' It seems that the baron had, for he said
my new proposition was also unheard of, uncivilized.
"Upon this I stood up and said: 'Gentlemen, you have insisted on
manufacturing for me a quarrel with a man I never saw, and have
suggested--indeed, said--that I, a soldier, am afraid and have lied to
you. I accepted the situation thus forced on me, and in place of the
wretched little knitting-needles with which you fight child duels in
France, I propose to take it seriously.'
"I saw the little man--the colonel--was beginning to fidget. As I
stopped he said, 'Pardon me; I have not the honor fully to
comprehend.'
"'Indeed?' said I. 'So far I have hesitated to ascribe to gentlemen,
to a soldier, any motive for your difficulty in accepting weapons
which involve peril, and I thought that I had at last done so. I do
not see how I can make myself more clear.'
"'Sir,' said my little man, 'do I understand--'
"I was at the end of the sweetest temper west of the Mississippi. I
broke into English and said: 'You may understand what you damn
please.'
"You see, Mr. Greville, it was getting to be fatiguing--these two
improbable Frenchmen. I suppose the small man took my English as some
recondite insult, for he drew himself up, clicked his heels together,
and said, 'I shall have the honor to send to monsieur those who will
ask him, for me,--for me, personally,--to translate his words, and, I
trust, to withdraw the offensive statement which, no doubt, they are
meant to convey.'
"I replied that I had no more to say, except that I should instruct my
friends to abide by the weapons I had mentioned. On this he lost his
temper and exclaimed that it was murder. I said that was my desire;
that they were hard to please; and that bowie-knives exhausted the
list of weapons I should accept.
"The colonel said further that, as I seemed to be ignorant of the
customs of civilized countries, it appeared proper to let me know that
the seconds were left to settle these preliminaries, and he supposed
that I was making a jest of a grave situation.
"When I replied that he was as lacking in courtesy as the baron, the
little man became polite and regretted that the prior claim of of his
two friends would, he feared, deprive him of the pleasure of exacting
that satisfaction which he still hoped circumstances would eventually
afford him. He was queerly precise and too absurd for belief.
"I replied lightly that I should be sorry if any accident were to
deprive him of the happiness of meeting me, but that I had the
pleasant hope of being at his service after I had shot the count and
the baron. I began to enjoy this unique situation.
"The colonel said I was most amiable--but really, my dear Mr.
Greville, it is past my power to do justice to this scene. They were
like the Count Considines and the Irish gentlemen in Lever's novels."
"And was that all?" I asked.
"No, not quite. After the colonel ceased to criticize my views of the
duel, he again informed me that his own friends would call upon me to
withdraw my injurious language. Then these two peacemakers departed.
Now what do you think of my comedy?"
I had listened in amazement to this arrangement--three duels as the
sequel of my adventure! As Merton ended, he burst into a roar of
laughter.
"Now," he said, "what will they do?--rifle, revolver, or bowie? By
George, I am like D'Artagnan--my second day in Paris and three duels
on my hands! Isn't it jolly?"
That was by no means my opinion. "Mr. Merton," I said, "I came here
about this very matter."
"Indeed! How can that be? Pray go on--and did any man ever hear of
such a mix-up? Where do you come in?"
"I will tell you. Last night in the dark, by mishap, I gave this
infernal count your card instead of my own."
"The deuce you did! Great Scott, what fun!"
"Yes, I did." I went on to relate my encounter with the lady, and the
manner in which Count le Moyne had behaved.
"What an adventure! I am so sorry I was not in your place. What a fine
mystery! But what will you do? Was she his wife? I have had many
adventures, but nothing to compare with this. I envy you. And you were
sure she was not his wife?"
"No, she was not his wife; and as to what I shall do, it is simple. I
shall go to the count and explain the card and my mistake. I meant to
anticipate the visit to you of Count le Moyne's seconds. I am sorry to
have been late."
"Sorry! Not I. It is immense!"
"The count will call me out. There will be the usual farce of a sword
duel. I am in fair practice. This will relieve you so far as concerns
the count, and nobody else will fight you with the weapons you offer."
"Won't they, indeed? I have been insulted. Do you suppose I can sit
quiet under it? No, Mr. Greville. You, I hope, may make yourself
unpleasant to this count, but I shall settle with him and the others,
too. Did I happen to mention that I told them I did not fight with
knitting-needles?"
"You did."
"They seemed annoyed."
"Probably," said I. Although the whole affair appeared to me comical,
it had, too, its possible tragedy.
"Well," I continued, "I shall find the count, and set right the matter
of the cards. After that we may better see our way. These matters are
never hurried over here. Dine with me to-night at my rooms at
seven-thirty; and meanwhile, as for the baron--"
"Oh, the baron--you should see him. I came near to calling him Porthos
to his face. I wish I had."
"And the small man, the colonel--"
"Oh, yes--shade of Dumas! He may pass for Aramis."
I laughed. "By the way," I added, "he is one of the best blades in
France."
"Is he? However he comes in third. But can he shoot? If I accept the
sword,--and it may come to that,--I am pretty sure to be left with
something to remember. If we use rifles, I assure you they will
remember me still longer or not at all." There was savage menace in
his blue eyes as he spoke. "But is it not ridiculous?"