* * * * *
A BAND-BOX.--An orchestra.
* * * * *
"What an awful voice that man's got!" said the manager, who was
listening to the throaty tenor.
"Call that a voice," said his friend; "it's a disease!"
* * * * *
A PRIVATE BOX.--A sentry box.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "You can't sit there, mum. These here seats are
reserved."
"You don't seem to be aware that I'm one of the directors' wives!"
"And if you was his _only_ wife, mum, I couldn't let you sit here."]
* * * * *
During the dull season a certain manager has issued such a number of his
autographs in order to ensure the proper filling of his house that he
has in playfulness conferred on it the nickname of the ordertorium.
* * * * *
WHAT MANAGERS, ACTRESSES, AND SPECTATORS ALL WANT.--A good dressing.
* * * * *
CHRISTMAS MUSIC FOR THEATRES.--The "waits" between the acts.
* * * * *
What we want for the British drama generally is not so much native
talent as imagi-native talent.
* * * * *
AT THE MUSIC HALLS.--The birds that fly by night--the acro-bats.
* * * * *
[Illustration: CONFRERES.--_Master Jacky (who took part in some school
theatricals last term,--suddenly, to eminent tragedian who has come to
call)._ "I say, you know--I act!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A PROP OF THE DRAMA
"What, back already, Archie! Was it a dull piece, then?"
"Don't know. Didn't stop to see. Just looked round stalls and boxes, and
didn't see a soul I knew!--so I came away."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER _NOT_ TO
STICK TO HIS LAST.
_Fair Matron._ "I remember your acting '_Sir Anthony_,' _years_ ago,
when I was a girl, Sir Charles! You did it splendidly!"
_The Great Mathematician._ "Ah, would you believe it, that bit of acting
brought me more compliments than anything I ever did?"
_Fair Matron._ "I should _think_ so, indeed!"]
* * * * *
THE COMPANY THAT FREQUENTLY FILLS A THEATRE BETTER THAN A DRAMATIC
ONE.--The Stationers' Company.
* * * * *
The managers of Drury Lane, Gaiety, Alhambra and Empire Theatres ought
_ex-officio_ to be members of the Worshipful Guild of Spectacle-makers.
* * * * *
[Illustration]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "_Walking Lady_" (_late for rehearsal_). "Oh, I'm so
sorry to be late! I _do_ hope you haven't all been waiting for me?"
_Stage Manager_ (_icily_). "My dear Miss Chalmers, incompetence is the
gift of heaven; but attention to business may be cultivated!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN UNKIND CUT.--_Amateur._ "It was very kind of you to
come to our performance the other night; but what did you think of my
_Hamlet_? Pretty good?" _Professional_ (_feigning ecstasy_). "Oh, my
dear fellow, 'pon my word you know,--really I assure you, good's not the
word!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _First Critic._ "Well, have you seen the great tragedian
in _Romeo and Juliet_?"
_Second ditto._ "I have; and I confess he didn't come up to my
ixpictations. To tell ye the truth, I niver thought he would!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A CROWDED HOUSE
_Angry Voice_ (_from a back seat_). "Ears off in front there, please!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE PROVINCIAL DRAMA
_The Marquis_ (_in the play_). "Aven't I give' yer the edgication of a
gen'leman?"
_Lord Adolphus_ (_spendthrift heir_). "You 'ave!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "STARTLING EFFECTS!"
_Peep-Showman._ "On the right you observe the 'xpress train a-comin'
along, an' the signal lights, the green and the red. The green lights
means 'caution,' and the red lights si'nifies 'danger'"----
_Small Boy_ (_with his eye to the aperture_). "But what's the yaller
light, sir?"
_Peep-Showman_ (_slow and impressive_). "There ain't no yaller
light--but the green and the red. The green lights means 'caution,' and
the red lights si'nif----"
_Small Boy_ (_persistently_). "But wha's the other light, sir?"
_Peep-Showman_ (_losing patience_). "Tell yer there ain't no"----(_takes
a look--in consternation_)--"Blowed if the darned old show ain't
a-fire!!"]
* * * * *