(_From the Common-place Book of a Novelist_)
Because it is so much pleasanter to read one's work than to hear it on
the stage.
Because publishers are far more amiable to deal with than
actor-managers.
Because "behind the scenes" is such a disappointing place--except in
novels.
Because why waste three weeks on writing a play, when it takes only
three years to compose a novel?
Because critics who send articles to magazines inviting one to
contribute to the stage, have no right to dictate to us.
Because a fairly successful novel means five hundred pounds, and a
fairly successful play yields as many thousands--why be influenced by
mercenary motives?
Because all novelists hire their pens in advance for years, and have no
time left for outside labour.
And last, and (perhaps) not least, Why don't I send in a play? Because I
_have_ tried to write _one_, and find I can't quite manage it!
* * * * *
[Illustration: HER FIRST PLAY.--_Mamma (who has taken Miss Effie, as a
great treat, to a morning performance)._ "Hush, dear! You mustn't talk!"
_Miss Effie (with clear sense of injustice, and pointing to the stage)._
"But, mummy,--_they're_ talking!"]
* * * * *
_Q._ When are the affairs of a theatre likely to assume a somewhat fishy
aspect? _A._ When there's a sole lessee.
* * * * *
_Evangeline._ Why is this called the dress circle mamma?
_Mamma._ Because the stalls are the undressed circle, dear.
* * * * *
A FORM OF EQUESTRIAN DRAMA.--Horseplay.
* * * * *
[Illustration: Mellow drammer]
* * * * *
[Illustration: FIRST NIGHT OF AN UNAPPRECIATED MELODRAMA.--_He._ "Are we
alone?" _Voice from the Gallery._ "No, guv'nor; but you will be
to-morrow night."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE COMMISSARIAT
_Our Bandmaster (to purveyor of refreshments)._ "We must hev beef
sangwitches, marm! Them ham ones make the men's lips that greasy, they
can't blow!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A NOTE AND QUERY
_Wife (given to literature and the drama)._ "George, what is the meaning
of the expression, 'Go to!' you meet with so often in Shakspeare and the
old dramatists?"
_Husband (not a reading man)._ "'Don't know, I'm sure, dear, unless----
Well,--p'raps he was going to say----but thought it wouldn't sound
proper!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S OPERA BOX]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SIC VOS NON VOBIS DRAMATISATIS, WRITERS!
_Wife of his Bosom (just home from the play)._ "And then that _darling_
Walter Lisson, looking like a Greek god, drew his stiletto, and
delivered, oh! _such_ an exquisite soliloquy over her tomb--all in blank
verse--like heavenly music on the organ!"
_He._ "Why, he's got a voice like a raven, and can no more deliver blank
verse than he can fly."
_She._ "Ah, well--it was very beautiful, all the same--all about love
and death, you know!"
_He._ "Who wrote the piece, then?"
_She._ "Who wrote the piece? Oh--er--well--his name's sure to be on the
bill somewhere--at least I _suppose_ it is!"]
* * * * *
FROM OUR GENERAL THEATRICAL FUND.--Why would a good-natured dramatic
critic be a valuable specimen in an anatomical museum? Because he takes
to pieces easily.
* * * * *