_Berthelda._--Sanguino, you have killed your _mother_!!!
_Fruitwoman._--Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer!
(_Curtain falls._)
* * * * *
[Illustration: The Music-hall.]
[Illustration: A Melodrama at the "Surrey".]
[Illustration: Screaming Farcical Comedy.]
[Illustration: A pathetic "Comedy-Drama."]
[Illustration: Another.]
[Illustration: A patriotic Drama at the "National Theatre".]
[Illustration: The Opera.]
[Illustration: And.]
[Illustration: Three acts.]
[Illustration: of Henrik Ibsen.]
[Illustration: The deplorable issue.]
* * * * *
"Bishops," said the Rev. Mr. Phillips to the Playgoers' Club, "are not
really so stiff and starchy as they are made out to be. There is a good
heart beneath the gaiters." Calf-love, we presume.
* * * * *
DIFFERENT VIEWS.--Bishops complain of a dearth of candidates for orders.
Managers of theatres think differently.
* * * * *
LEG-ITIMATE SUCCESSES.--Modern extravaganzas.
* * * * *
THEATRICAL.--The only people who never suffer in the long run--managers
of theatres.
* * * * *
"STANDING ORDERS."--Free admissions who can't get seats.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY"
_Husband_ (_after the Adagio, to musical wife_). "My dear, are we going
to stay to the 'bitter end'?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MUSIC OF THE FUTURE. SENSATION OPERA.
_Manager_ (_to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly_). "My dear fellow, I've
brought you the score of the new opera. We've arranged _such_ a scena
for you in the third act! o' board of the Pirate Screw, after the
keelhauling scene, you know! Heavy rolling sea, eh?--Yes, and we can
have some real spray pumped on to you from the fire-engine! Volumes of
smoke from the funnel, close behind your head--in fact, you'll be
enveloped as you rush on to the bridge! And then you'll sing that lovely
barcarolle through the speaking-trumpet! And mind you hold tight, as the
ship blows up just as you come upon your high D in the last bar!!!"]
* * * * *
AT A PROBLEM PLAY.--_Mr. Dinkershein_ (_eminent critic_). How did you
enjoy the piece, Miss MacGuider?
_Miss MacGuider._ Well, to tell the truth, I didn't know what it was all
about.
_Mr. Dinkershein._ Excellent. The author gives us so much to think of.
* * * * *
QUESTION AND ANSWER.--"Why don't I write plays?" Why should I?
* * * * *