Exposition of the motives which prevent him from returning to
Geneva.
STRASBOURG, _27th October 1540_.
I have no doubt whatever that you have taken good care to apologize
for me to those brethren who advised that I should return to Geneva,
that I have not replied to them. For you are well aware how on
that account I was thrown for two days into such perplexity and
trouble of mind that I was scarcely half myself. Some time after
that, however, that I might humour you, I made an attempt to write
somewhat to them in common; but when I took into account what
usually happens with these general letters addressed in common, I
changed my mind. For what is sent only to a select few, flickers
about hither and thither incessantly from hand to hand, until at
length it is thoroughly well published. This, therefore, was my
reason why I wrote only to you: it was that you may not take into
your confidence any other readers than those from whom you know that
you need be under no apprehension of any danger. Why, therefore, I
did not wish what I intrust to your confidence to be more widely
spread, you will understand when you have read to the end of this
letter. Although I trust that you completely take up my meaning,
and that you have also faithfully explained it to others, I shall
briefly repeat now how I stand affected. Whenever I call to mind the
state of wretchedness in which my life was spent when there, how can
it be otherwise but that my very soul must shudder when any proposal
is made for my return? I pass over entirely that disquietude by
which we were perpetually tossed up and down, and driven from one
side to another, from the time when I was appointed your colleague.
I know indeed from experience, that wheresoever I might turn, all
sorts of annoyances were strewn in my way; that if I would live to
Christ, this world must be to me a scene of trial and vexation: the
present life is appointed as the field of conflict. But, at the
same time, while I call to mind by what torture my conscience was
racked at that time, and with how much anxiety it was continually
boiling over, pardon me if I dread that place as having about it
somewhat of a fatality in my case. You yourself, along with God, are
my best witness, that no lesser tie would have been sufficient to
retain me there so long, had it not been that I dared not to throw
off the yoke of my calling, which I was well assured had been laid
upon me by the Lord. So long, therefore, as I was thus bound hand
and foot, I preferred to suffer even to the uttermost extremity,
than for one moment to entertain those thoughts that were apt to
arise in my mind of changing my place of abode,--thoughts which
often stole in upon me unawares. But now that by the favour of
God I am delivered, should I be unwilling to plunge myself once
more into the gulf and whirlpool which I have already found to
be so dangerous and destructive, who would not excuse me? Yea,
forsooth, where shall you find any one who will not plainly accuse
me of being over easily persuaded, when knowingly, and with free
consent of will, I rashly surrender at discretion? But then, even
supposing that I may be nowise alarmed at my danger, how can I have
any reasonable expectation that my ministry can be of any use to
them? For you know with what a quickness of apprehension the most
of them thereaway are gifted. They will neither be bearable by me,
nor shall I be endurable by them. Besides all this, take into your
consideration that the battle which I shall have to fight will be
fully stouter and more difficult with my colleagues than with those
who are without. Of what avail will be the exertions of a single
individual, hampered by so many lets and hindrances on every side?
And in addition to all, to say truth, even although everything was
laid ready very much to my hand, from disuse I have somehow become
oblivious of those arts which are required for the guiding and the
direction of the multitude. Here, at Strasbourg, I have only to
take the oversight of a few, and the greater number hear me, not
so much as a pastor, as with the attention and reverence due to an
instructor. You allege that I am too nice and delicate, and after
having been daubed with these flatteries, cannot now bear with
patience to hear any harsher sound.
You will find yourself mistaken, however, if you allow yourself
really to think so; but when I do find it an arduous work to
superintend and oversee as I ought those few who in some sort may
be called teachable, willing to be trained and disciplined, how
shall I ever be able to restrain and keep within due bounds so
great a multitude? Whatever may be their design in recalling me,
I scarcely dare venture to contemplate; for if they are led to do
so with a sincere and honest purpose, why do they recall me rather
than the man whose ministry was not less needed for the renewal
and upbuilding of their Church than even it was at the first for
founding it? What if they only recall me that they themselves
may not become a laughing-stock to the other party, because they
have been left destitute by those persons, trusting in whom for
assistance they have ventured to banish us? And yet all these
considerations are of no avail to prevent my acquiescence in the
call; for the more that I feel disposed to turn away with abhorrence
from that province of labour, on that very account I am the more
inclined to suspect myself. Therefore I do not allow myself to
deliberate on the matter at all; and I request of our friends that
they would not take me at all into consultation along with them.
That they may determine all the more freely and sincerely, I conceal
for the most part from others these heart-burnings. What else could
I do? For I much prefer to be entirely blind, that I may suffer
myself to be guided by others, than to go astray by trusting to
my own purblindness. If, in these circumstances, I shall ask your
advice as to whose judgment I ought chiefly to defer to, you will
reply, if I am not mistaken, that there are none more proper to be
consulted than Capito and Bucer. What they think upon the matter
you have heard from themselves. I wish that you would explain the
whole case fully to the brethren, and that divesting themselves of
prejudice on either side, they would seriously consider what ought
to be done.
This is the sum of the whole: That I am not in this affair actuated
by craft or cunning--the Lord is my witness; neither do I search
about for loopholes whereby to make my escape. Certainly, indeed, it
is my desire that the Church of Geneva may not be left destitute;
therefore, I would rather venture my life a hundred times over
than betray her by my desertion. But forasmuch as my mind does not
induce me spontaneously to return, I am ready to follow those who,
there is some good hope, will prove safe and trusty guides to me.
There need, however, be no trouble taken about receiving me until
the Diet of Worms is over, since they have sent no deputy. On next
Lord's-day there will be public prayer in every church. On Monday
we set out. Do you also pray for us in the Spirit, that we may be
strengthened to sustain the contest. It is quite evident what it is
that our adversaries are endeavouring to bring about. They would
have all the States of the empire leagued together and armed for our
destruction. But what the artifices are by which they are resolved
to attack us is less certain. By and by, however, they will unfold
more clearly whatever craftiness there may be in this latter. Adieu;
salute all in the most friendly manner,--Cordier, Thomas, Fatin, Le
Clerc, and the rest. All our friends here do kindly entreat you,
both you and them.
[_Lat. orig. autogr._--_Library of Geneva._ Vol. 106.]