_Enter HANDSAW, R._
HAND. Well, I can hardly believe my senses! There was the statue
before my very eyes; there were the thieves in the very act of
stealing the antique marble before my eyes; there was everything
before my eyes, and, blow me, if it didn't disappear before my eyes.
It's the most mysterious affair I ever came across. I--who have been
in the Criminal Investigation Department for over thirty years, and
reckoned the finest man for having innocent men and women hanged and
transported--done. I've been had by some illusion? What shall I do?
Shall I resign my position in the force, and go back to tripe
dressing? No--no! I'll have a case ere to-morrow or my name is not
Handsaw. Ah, what is that I see? A little boy eating bread and
dripping in the open street, before the gaze of the passers-by? Oh,
this _must_ be seen into! I should lose _all_ respect for myself as a
member of the force if I didn't lock some poor little innocent little
child up for doing nothing. It's a way we've got in the force. Now,
then, my bold and massive wretch of three years old, I'm down on you
like two ton of bricks!
[_Exit._
_Enter TWO ROBBERS, R._
FIRST R. What do you think of it, Bill--it vanished?
SECOND R. Wonderful! Never see anything like it since our tom cat had
chickens.
FIRST R. Go on, your tom cat have chickens! What do you take me for?
Your tom cat have chickens!
SECOND R. I'll bet you I'm right. Our tom cat had chickens!
FIRST R. When?
SECOND R. Why, one night out in the yard! The fowl-house was left
open, our tom cat rushed in and sneaked a couple of chickens--so
didn't he have chickens?
FIRST R. Go on, you fathead. I could have told you that.
SECOND R. Well, why didn't you? Here, I sha'n't go in for sneaking
statues again. I believe they are all pretty well alive. Didn't you
ever hear of _Peg million and Gill o' beer?_--him as makes a figure,
and it comes to life? Do you know, I think I was made for something
better than hard work?
FIRST R. You work? Why, you never robbed an honest man of a hard day's
work in your blooming natural! Look here, I'm going to chuck
statues--I'm going in for di'mons!
SECOND R. Well, I'll trump it.
FIRST R. No; you don't understand me. Suppose now I were to go into a
di'mond merchant's and asked him to show me some of his most valuable
di'monds, what would be the first thing he would show me?
SECOND R. The door.
FIRST R. No; you don't understand me.
SECOND R. But the bloke would.
FIRST R. Look here! I'll put it in another way. Suppose I was to go
into the Bank of England for five thousand quid, what would I come out
with?
SECOND R. A copper.
FIRST R. Oh, you don't catch my meaning!
SECOND R. No; and you don't catch their money!
FIRST R. Bah, you're next to a fool!
SECOND R. Yes, I'm not far off you!
FIRST R. Come on, let's see if we can do anything to make up for the
blooming mess we've made over this statue business--what shall we say
to the bloke that paid us to sneak this marble Venus?
SECOND R. Why, give him a bit of bogie--tell him we got the statue in
a shed, get the money off him, tell him we'll go and fetch the figure,
and--do a guy.
FIRST R. Good on you! Your head's some good I see.
SECOND R. Come along; we've got no time to lose.
[_Exeunt._