_How =Bumbo= discoursed with =John Bull=’s Nurse, and found her not so
great a fool as he thought her._
Bumbo, without staying to speak with any body, went straight to the
nurse’s closet, where he found her very melancholy, lamenting her
connection with such a fool as Hubble-bubble, and not much comforted
with the thought of having nobody now to trust to but Bumbo. However,
as the saying is, a drowning man will catch at a straw; whenever he
appeared, she got up and embraced him. Which he understanding to be as
much as to say, My dear major-domo, I am glad to see you, was going to
thank her, when she broke out into a perfect rage against sister Peg
and her family.
What, says she, is the meaning of this impertinent saucy letter, you
have sent from your house to Mr. Bull? have I not enough to do with his
own humours and his freaks, without your refreshing his memory, and
pretending to copy after him like the ass in Æsop? Set you up, indeed!
we should bring our matters to a fine pass, if we minded all your
letters and remonstrances.
I hope your ladyship, says Bumbo, does not imagine that I had any hand
in writing that letter, or would put any thing in Peg’s head, which I
knew to be so disagreeable to your ladyship; indeed, I could not shew
myself any where, without the hazard of being absolutely worried by the
people who were for writing that insolent letter.
What shall we do then? says the nurse; if that vixen is so much bent
upon this whim, Mrs. Bull cannot possibly refuse her husband’s own
sister, what the world will call so poor a favour; it would look like
mere jealousy and spleen, and might breed heart-burnings between the
two families.
Here Mr. Bumbo, perceiving the good woman’s extreme distress, thought
how he best might comfort her, and thereby turn the discourse to the
affair of his own major-domo-ship. My dear madam, says he, don’t be
uneasy; this letter was written by a parcel of Geoffrites, of whom
I have a list in my pocket; the few Thomists that are in that house,
would sooner be hanged than do any thing so disagreeable to your
ladyship.
Yours are right Thomists, says the nurse; ours here are more
troublesome about those matters, than any body; but assure me, says
she, that this letter is a forgery, and I shall love you as long I
breathe.
A mere forgery upon my salvation, says Bumbo.
Well said, says she, what comfort you give me! Let us away to Mrs.
Bull, and have those forgers tried to the utmost.
Before your ladyship goes, says Bumbo, I have a little affair to
mention: your ladyship knows, that the major-domo is dead, may not I
presume to hope, that your ladyship will do me a good office with Sir
Thomas on this occasion?
Assure yourself that you shall be major-domo, says the nurse; but you
must not go, till Mrs. Bull has heard your evidence about the forgery.
Upon my honour and reputation, says Bumbo, there is no occasion; the
forgery will appear quite plain, every word of it forged, as I declare
to you; but that unnatural woman was persuaded to desire me to second
her application, and your ladyship knows, that even a major-domo leads
but a dog’s-life, if the mistress and every body be against him. There
is Small-Trash, the Laird of Lick-pelf’s brother, will give his oath
about the forgery; and that is the same thing as if I did it myself,
for every body knows that we always swear the same things.
I don’t understand your scruples now says the nurse; would any woman
desire you to second a forged application? Besides nobody ever heard
of Small-Trash; and we cannot be answerable for trusting his evidence.
Stay, stay, my dear major-domo, and give us your own proper evidence in
this important point of forgery.
I pray, says Bumbo, that your ladyship would consider my straits; I
dare not say a word about Geoffrites; every body will roar, and say,
they knew what was a coming; nor dare I speak my mind about Peg; I beg
that your ladyship would not expose me like a bawd on the pillory, to
be pelted, battered, and splashed with rotten eggs, chewed apples, and
street dirt, for the faithful counsel which I give in your private ear.
I will do twice as much for you in another way.
Well, well, says the nurse, I see the matter is hard, Gilbert and James
will carry all before them. I shall neither meddle nor make; Sir Thomas
will be imposed upon about the major-domo-ship. There are many people
looking for the place, and let me tell you it is an office of great
consequence. You are young, Mr. Bumbo; and they say, you are hot when
my back is turned, and you do not understand much of the larder or the
pantry, and you huff the poor tenants when they come about the kitchen,
and that Margaret herself has not that confidence in you, which the
mistress of a family should have in a person, who has such a trust
about her house. In short, I have had many disputes on your account,
and now I am an old woman, and don’t meddle much. There is little
appearance of my being able to obtain this favour for you; but you may
talk to Sir Thomas about it yourself. I am, indeed, very much out of
order; old age has many infirmities; a very severe cough I have, and
am troubled with wind; indeed, I have not eat an ounce of victuals for
these three days.
It is impossible to describe what passed in Bumbo’s countenance
during this harangue. It changed from suspence to embarrassment, from
embarrassment to confusion, from confusion to absolute despair; and
there it settled, when the nurse concluded her speech and was just a
going. Well, says he, with a faultering voice, I have got many enemies
on your account and Sir Thomas’s; here they are, pulling the list out
of his pocket, sworn Geoffrites, as I hope to be saved.
That will not do, Mr. Bumbo, says the nurse; we do not care a rush for
your Geoffrites or your Thomists either. They do well enough in their
time, but when one is about serious business, I hate trifling. If John
Bull and his sister take the defence of their houses upon themselves,
we may all go packing. What influence can any body have in a family,
where he has little or nothing to give away? I have been all my life
contriving things for Sir Thomas and myself, to take to ourselves,
or to give away, and now you would have us part with one of the best
things we have. I have found, Mr. Bumbo, that a person’s influence in
any family, depends on the number of good things he has to give; you
must have caps, ribbons and petticoats for the maids, sugar-plumbs
for the children, and luncheons for the clerks, and be able to help a
footman now and then out of livery, otherwise they will not give an
old song for you; and Sir Thomas has found plenty about John’s house,
otherwise Mrs. Bull and he would not be so good friends as they are.
People must have their vails and their perquisites. Many a time has
Sir Thomas obliged his friend with a game-keeper’s place or so; and
consider with yourself, that if John continues to do any part of that
business himself, what numbers, not only of game-keepers, foresters and
whippers-in, but even weavers, taylors, smiths, accountants, bakers,
tanners, and shoe-makers, will forget the way to Sir Thomas’s closet,
and never think more of Hubble-bubble, or your humble servant. And then
the management of Rousterdivel’s affairs when he was brought over,
was an excellent thing; trust me, many a pretty fortune has been got
by Rousterdivel. But it is all over, Mr. Bumbo, all over; and now a
person who comes to ask for a major-domo-ship, thinks he may do what he
pleases.
Much honoured madam, says Bumbo, I hope you do not consider the
scruples of a friend as an absolute refusal. I have always been ready
to swear what you please, and if my oath be required to this forgery, I
am ready to give it.
That was spoken like a major-domo, says the nurse; let us away to
Hubble-bubble, and settle the tenour of your evidence.