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AN
ESSAY
ON THE
Government of Children,
Under Three General Heads,
VIZ.
Health, Manners, and Education.
By JAMES NELSON, Apothecary.
THE THIRD EDITION.
_Just as the Twig is bent, the Tree’s inclin’d._ POPE.
[Illustration]
LONDON:
Printed for R. and J. DODSLEY, in Pall-mall;
And Sold by J. HINXMAN in Pater-noster-row. 1763.
TO THE
RIGHT HONOURABLE
THE
Countess of ——
MADAM,
Happiness being the grand Object of human Pursuit, it may, I imagine, be
modestly presumed, that every Attempt, however ineffectual, to render
That universal, must be universally well received. And yet, conscious as
I am that the following Essay aims solely at this Point, the Fear of
it’s being too feeble to stand alone, makes me desirous of procuring it
the additional Strength of your Ladyship’s Countenance and Protection.
The Subject is undoubtedly of great Moment, namely, the proper Government
of Children; which being ranged under the Heads of HEALTH, MANNERS, and
EDUCATION, affords not only the Opportunity of exposing many Errors, too
generally adopted, but also of pointing out a more natural and rational
Method of attaining the End proposed, than is usually pursued. And I
cannot but think, that, if this Method were seriously attended to, the
Happiness of all Mankind would be built on a more solid Basis, than it
has in common hitherto been.
Works of this Kind naturally calling on the Great and Good for Patronage;
it cannot be thought strange that I aspire to the Honour of your
Ladyship’s Protection is the Privilege of the Powerful: And therefore,
where Power is happily joined with Goodness, the Recourse of the Weak to
it’s beneficent Influence, is but a just Tribute of that Homage which is
due to superior Merit: And such is the unfeigned Respect I mean to pay
your Ladyship by this Address.
I have yet another Motive for presuming to offer this Performance to your
Ladyship; namely, the Hopes that it’s Use may, by this Means, be farther
extended. The World, Madam, has it’s Eyes upon You: The many Excellencies
of Mind and Heart so conspicuous in Yourself; and the uncommon Lustre of
every eminent Virtue in the noble Lord, with whom you have wisely chosen
to share the Dignity and Duties of the Matrimonial and Parental State,
have justly gained you, not only general Admiration, but general Esteem.
When the World shall behold you declining many of it’s Allurements, to
yield to the stronger Attraction of Parental Affection; when it shall
see you often decline the Assemblies of the Great, and retreat from the
Splendor of a Court, to take upon you the Office of a tender Mother,
by cherishing, watching over, and instructing your Offspring; when the
World, I say, shall behold you employed in Actions like these, it will
not only be charmed with the pleasing Task you have undertaken, but be
powerfully animated to pursue the same Measures; which alone can procure
that solid Happiness all seek, or seem to seek, yet so few find.
That nothing may ever interrupt your present Felicity; but that it may
be augmented to the most exalted Degree, by the additional Blessing of
wise and virtuous Children, is the sincere and fervent Wish of,
_Madam, Your Ladyship’s most obliged, and most obedient humble Servant_,
James Nelson.
_Red-lion-street_, HOLBORN, _Dec. 1, 1755_.
ADVERTISEMENT.
_The important Business of the Management of Children, thro’ every Stage
of our Dominion over them, has led many Writers to handle the Subject:
but on this, as on other Occasions, each has had some particular Point
in View; and each has directed his Steps to that End. One has considered
only the State of Infancy, and, with an Eye to their Health chiefly,
laboured to point out the Means of preserving it: another has passed
over that State, as if of no Consequence; and, while nobly aiming at
regulating the Passions, has inadvertently suffered them to be too deeply
rooted from an Inattention to their first Appearance: a third has made it
his principal Business to conduct their Education; and has either omitted
altogether the forming their Manners, or has supposed, what is very far
from being generally true, that the one is a necessary Consequence of the
other; or in other Words, that good Education will always produce good
Manners. Others have confined themselves to one Species of Education; or,
if they aimed at a perfect Piece, it was for an Individual only, or at
most, for one Class of a whole Kingdom._
_Yet, of the many excellent Performances on these Heads, no one, that
can here be recollected, has either been extended to general Life, or
has comprehended the Whole of a Parent’s Care for their Offspring. In
one we see delineated the Education of a Prince; in another, of an able
Statesman; in a third, of a great Commander; and so on: but these are
too narrow to instruct the Whole, and too confined to become general
Rules. They resemble, if the Comparison may be allowed, some great
Masters in Painting; one is happy in hitting the Likeness; another gives
an exquisite Softness and Ease to the Fall of the Arms; a third has a
peculiar Grace in his Attitudes; yet all, perhaps, are obliged to a
fourth for the Delicacy of the Drapery: while he too, who excels in this,
is unable to reach any Degree of Perfection in the rest._
_But here the Reader is presented with a more extensive Plan on the
Government of Children; a Plan adapted to general Use; calculated for
familiar Life: and which, without a Thought of Arrogance, or once
supposing it perfect, aims at the Good of all. The_ first _Part treats
of the general Means of preserving Health; in which every one is equally
concerned. The_ next _relates to forming the Mind; that is, shews the Use
of Manners, and points out the most rational Method of acquiring them:
to the End, not only that good Habits may be obtained, but that Reason
may always have the Ascendant of the Passions. The_ last _Part treats
of Education; which, tho’ here it makes a distinct Head from Manners,
yet are they to be considered as very strictly connected; because the
more exalted the one is, the mere conspicuous should the other be. As
in every State or Kingdom there are many Degrees of Rank and Fortune; so
great Pains have been taken to consider the Propriety of Education; and
to point out a judicious Degree of it for each Individual._
_Thus it is to be observed, that the Piece here presented is not designed
to direct the Fathers, and exclude the Mothers; to govern the Boys, and
neglect the Girls; nor to address the Great, and disregard the Little;
by no Means: it aspires at offering Advice to all; and, with equal
Zeal, aims at giving Aid to Parents of every Rank, Sex and Degree. It
regards the Care of Children as long as the Dominion of Parents may be
said to last; and neither neglects the Infant of a Day, nor gives up
unconcernedly, a Youth of either Sex, at twenty Years old._
_The Point most laboured at is indeed that of Manners; not only because
they are of the utmost Consequence in themselves, and furnish the surest
Means of being happy, and excelling in Life, but because the present too
general Depravity of them stands publicly confessed._
_Should it be urged, that as a great deal has already been wrote on the
same Topics, and in a masterly Manner too, all farther Attempts of the
like Nature seem needless; it may be answered, (besides what has already
been observed) that so fertile a Subject cannot easily be exhausted; and
being Points of the most weighty Concern, they will undoubtedly always
furnish thinking Men with Matter to expatiate on._
_The Thoughts here given are the Result of Reason, Observation and
Experience; and should it be said that they are not new, still it is
hoped they have a Claim to some Degree of Regard, as there is always
both Use and Entertainment in displaying even the same Sentiments in a
different Manner._
INTRODUCTION.
Nothing is more evident, than that a Love of our Children is a great
ruling Principle in human Nature; and that it makes a large Part of
that Self-love which sticks so closely to us. For them we aim at
Wealth, Power, and Dignity; for them our Views are endless, our Desires
boundless. Nor do we stop here; for, eager as we are in pursuing the
real or seeming Good of our Children, we extend our Views still farther,
even to their Children. And it is certain, that Mankind in general do
not think the great Business of Life compleat, unless they live (as
it is usually termed) to see their Children settled, and in a Way of
contributing to the great Family of the World. But were none to engage in
a State of Wedlock in order to become Parents, till their Abilities to
train up their little Offspring were try’d and approv’d, I am of Opinion
the Number of Marriage Licences would be greatly abridg’d.
Many run precipitately into this important State, without any
Fore-thought at all; but even among the wary, the discreet, and the
wise, how very few are there who reflect on the Duty of first acquiring
such a Degree of Knowledge as may serve to make their Children happy in
them, and themselves happy in their Children? It is this general Defect
in human Life, which has induced me to offer my own Thoughts on the
Government of Children; and my Aim herein is, to point out the Errors
committed in this important Work, and propose some Means of preventing
them for the future. A learned Writer on the Art of Medicine[1] says,
that he who advances the Knowledge of it, tho’ but a Step, deserves
the Thanks of the whole Species; if then I am but happy enough to give
one useful Hint, one helping Hand for the Public Good, I shall esteem
my Labours abundantly rewarded. But before I go any farther, let me
be understood: I am not giving Laws, but Counsel. The Experience I
have gained in the tutoring seven Children of my own, joined to the
Observations I have made on the Management of others of every Age and
Degree, seem to give me some Title to hope my Thoughts may prove useful;
if so, my End is answered.
Mr. _Pope_, in his moral Essays, tells us, that all Happiness lies in
three Words; Health, Peace, and Competence. May we not then hope, that an
Endeavour to point out the Way to Health, Manners, and Education, will
help us in the Pursuit of this great Object? For these rightly understood
and well conducted, Peace and Competence will seldom fail to follow.
Manners however is the grand Point I aim at; every thing else is
secondary to that. Health, it may not be in our Power to secure; and
School Education, all cannot reach to in any considerable Degree. The
Government of our Children is indeed an universal Obligation; but all
Men are not therefore obliged to be Physicians or Pedagogues. Still,
as neither Health nor liberal Instruction, where proper, are to be
neglected, I shall in their due Place speak of both, so far as seems
necessary for every Parent to know.
By Manners I do not mean that external Shew of good Breeding, which
consists only in a Bow, or Curtsy, or other personal Carriage, tho’ this
too is of Importance; but I mean, such a uniform Deportment, such a ready
engaging Behaviour, and such a Propensity to do what is right, as testify
a happy Disposition of the Mind and Heart; and appear, what they really
are, the Fruits of good Habits, either natural, or acquired, or both.
The grand Source of the too general Defect, we cannot but observe and
lament in the Manners of Children, is partly in themselves, but chiefly
in their Parents. In themselves it arises from a natural Love of Ease and
Liberty; in Parents, from a supine Neglect of that necessary Knowledge
already hinted at: in short, from want of reflecting why they are
Parents, and what is incumbent on them to do, in order to make their
Children happy in themselves, and useful to Society. But how shall I be
sheltered from the Imputation of Vanity? I am well aware how liable a
Man is to be censured, for attempting to point out to others, what every
one supposes himself to be already acquainted with: and where are the
Parents who once suspect, that they are so little acquainted with the
Duties of their State, as to be themselves the Causes of their Children’s
Misconduct?
That there are many whose Ability in this important Work is far superior
to any thing I can pretend to, I am convinc’d; many who are happily
endowed with a competent Penetration and Skill to manage the Temper,
Genius, and Passions of Children, and who are equally assiduous in the
Exercise of those Gifts for the Benefit of the rising Generation: neither
is it for these I write; rather do I wish to receive their Instructions
myself. But, that the Bulk of Mankind are wholly thoughtless of, or
unacquainted with, the proper Methods of managing Children, is, I think,
very evident. In proof of which I appeal to every one’s own Observation.
Let the Generality of People look round them, and reflect how they find
the Majority of Children of every Rank among their Acquaintance. Are
they innocent, tractable, orderly, and courteous? Are they tolerably
instructed in the Knowledge necessary for their Age and Station? Or are
they not rather corrupt and untoward? Are they not rather unruly to a
Degree of Pity? Incorrigibly rude, or tolerably civil only by Starts;
grossly ignorant in many Things they ought to have been taught, and but
too knowing in others it were perhaps better they never knew at all? If
they really find this to be true in the Children of others, let them
turn their Eyes homewards, and impartially canvas their own Children’s
Deportment; and if upon discovering any of the like Deformities, they can
resolve to be just to themselves, I am confident they will to their great
Surprize awaken to the Consciousness of one Truth, which perhaps they
hitherto never so much as suspected; namely, that what they have the most
Reason to be displeased with in the Conduct their Offspring, is chiefly
owing to their own want of Skill, or want of Thought, in the Management
of those tender Plants.
As Men are sometimes seen to forget the Husband and act the Sovereign
only, so are they apt to think themselves supreme and independent in the
Power they have over their Children. But can we, upon Reflection, take
it to be the Intention of Nature, that Children be govern’d by Fathers
alone, while they are in Possession of the Blessing of having Mothers to
share a Part in that Government? Or can we consider paternal Sway as an
arbitrary Power, absolutely presiding over, and giving Laws to Children
without any Controul? No. Lest Fathers thus impower’d should invert the
Intention of the Creation by becoming Tyrants, the providential Laws
of Nature have wisely assigned a joint Portion of Power to the Mothers;
that the Father’s Authority and the Mother’s Sweetness being seasonably
and discreetly blended, both might equally contribute to one and the same
great End, the future Welfare of their Offspring: where the Roughness of
the one serving as a Spur to egg them on to the Pursuit of Happiness from
a Principle of Awe, the Smoothness of the other may sooth them forward,
from Motives of Affection; or, in a Word, that the Sternness of the
Father may serve as a Quickener to maternal Endearments, and the Mildness
of the Mother sweeten and render palatable the more bitter Draughts of
paternal Harshness.
It is no small Difficulty to fix the Time in which Parents should take
the Reins of Government into their Hands; but if it be considered that
we are by the Perverseness of our Nature prone to err, I think they
cannot begin too soon; in short, they should begin as soon as they
become Parents, that is, as soon as their Children have a Being. This
will appear to be strange Doctrine to those who have not reflected how
very early Children shew themselves. The Source of many of our Errors
with Regard to the Government of Children, seems owing to a mistaken
Notion of their Incapacity; whereas in Reality they have some Reason much
earlier than is commonly imagined; but till that dawns out, the Passions
alone are their Guides. Now if the Passions are suffered to gather
Strength, by cherishing and indulging them, (which is too commonly the
Case) and Reason remains feeble for want of being exercis’d, the natural
Consequence must be, that Children will grow obstinate, perverse, and
ungovernable in their Passions, before Reason is called forth to their
Assistance; and it will often prove a very unsuccessful Talk to hinder
them when grown up, from being Slaves to themselves, and Plagues to all
about them.
Parents then, to obviate these Evils, have two principal Points to aim
at, for their own and Children’s Happiness; and indeed for the Happiness
of all Posterity; _viz._ weakening their Passions, and strengthening
their Reason. And that this is greatly in their Power to effect, is
an undoubted Truth, tho’ it may often prove an arduous Task to reduce
to practice. Still it may, and ought to be aim’d at; and, if I may be
allowed to speak my Sentiments, I think I may confidently assert, that
all social Virtues, and the genuine Happiness which they are productive
of, will insensibly flow from a constant due Exercise of that Dominion
over our Children, which all Laws divine and human have entrusted to us.
’Tis wonderful to observe how very early a Wilfulness is discernable
in Children; and with what swift Progress it gathers Strength, if not
immediately and carefully check’d. I have seen a Child not above six
Months old, obstinately contending for a certain Position to be suckled
in, and the tender (simply tender) Mother painfully distorting her Limbs,
and straining her whole Frame, in Compliance to it, or it would not
suck at all: and I have seen too a Child, before one Year of Life was
compleated, so fantastically, and yet so obstinately humoursome, that all
that could be devis’d to give it, was not sufficient to gratify it: it
would roar for the first Thing it saw, then throw it away and fight for
another, and so on without Measure; and this at the Expence not merely of
Baubles, but of Glasses, China, and other valuable Things; and often at
the still greater Expence of the Mother’s Peace and Rest.
The next Advance is to the Use of Speech; and this Faculty is no sooner
acquired, but immediately follows the Abuse of it. Many Children,
indeed, are slow and backward in the Acquisition of it, but few are those
who are not too forward in misapplying this noble Gift. Let a Child of
three Years old, who has been much indulged, be bid to do any thing, and
how ready is it to answer, _I won’t!_ And if forbid a thing, how pert to
say, _I will!_ Yet let the fondling Parent ask it ever so plain and easy
a Question, it is a thousand to one, if a Word of Answer be obtained: the
cunning, obstinate Urchin is instantly dumb, and nothing shall restore it
to the Use of its Tongue, but the Gratification of its Humour with a Cake
or a Play-thing.
Thus are they generally suffered to run on to near the Age of Seven, with
little or no Variation, except that of their Appetites gaining head of
their Reason, and multiplying in proportion to the Objects which excite
them. And as during that Term of Life which we distinguish by the Name
of Childhood, Parents look upon the infant Reason of their Children,
as incapable of producing Fruits, they are but too apt to leave that
uncultivated, and to overlook, with an injudicious Contempt, their early
Deviations from it. But surely it were injuring human Understanding, to
agree with such Parents, in an Opinion which condemns itself; and which
they themselves are universally the first to contradict. For let the
Topic of Children be but broach’d to any of them, and what Encomiums are
we not sure to be tir’d with upon their own! What Enlargements on their
Comprehension, their Judgment, their Wit, and the surprizing Products
of all these, in the many excellent things they say and do! In the mean
time not a single Step is taken to improve all these boasted Talents, nor
to check the growing Humours which threaten them with Destruction; and
may, if neglected, grow into Habits more difficult to eradicate than an
hereditary Disease.
Left this should affect but little those Parents, who are more solicitous
that their Children should be fair in Face, and strong in Body, than
beauteous in Mind, and pure of Heart, let me convince even these, that
it is dangerous too to the bodily Welfare of Children, to neglect
cultivating their Reason from their earliest Infancy; or to be careless
of eradicating their little Humours, as soon as discover’d. And to this
end they need only view the Majority of them on a sick Bed; where they
will see this melancholy Truth (for such indeed we may call it) in its
full Light.
Diseases are one Part of the Portion of human Nature, in a State of
Mortality: no Stage of our Existence is exempt from them, and Childhood
as little as any. Let then an unmanag’d, humour’d, pamper’d Child be
sick; and besides the Abundance of otherwise unnecessary Trouble and
Affliction it brings on the Parents and the whole Family, what Danger is
not the Child itself exposed to, beyond what the Disease brings with it!
All wise Men agree, that Providence has furnished the World with Remedies
for most human Diseases, at least in their first Stages, and Men with
Knowledge to apply them. When skilful People are consulted in Time, the
Medicines good, duly prepared and given, the Nurse attentive, and the
Patient tractable, there is but little to be apprehended from the first
Stage of any Disease which is not mortal of itself, where the Habit of
Body is otherwise sound; barring such Accidents as cannot be foreseen,
nor consequently obviated. But what can Physicians, Medicines, Nurses,
all avail, in the Disease (otherwise ever so curable) of an untoward
Creature, against whom perhaps there are great Odds that it shall
not be conquered to swallow the least Portion of the most absolutely
necessary Remedy; nor to submit in Sickness to the least Controul;
indulged, perhaps, as it has been, in a Habit of slighting and baffling
all Authority while in Health? Just nothing. No; the Trouble indeed of
attending it, is doubled and trebled to those who are constantly about
it; the Expence is at least the same, if not considerably augmented; and
the Confusion, Affliction, and Alarms of the Parents, at the growing
Danger of their spoil’d Darling, immoderately encreas’d, on finding all
Remedies rendered ineffectual to it, by an Obstinacy which they (whether
conscious of it or not) have heretofore been the foolish Encouragers
of. In the mean time, the Disease gathers Strength, and the Child’s
Wilfulness with it; and the little ungovernable Patient falls an untimely
Victim to the former Mismanagement of the mistakenly fond Parents,
and its own present Unruliness. To see a fond Father, in Spite of the
Impotence of Tears, so general to his Sex, weeping over his Child, his
Heir, his only Hope of Joy, and vainly entreating him, whom he might
command, to take an easy Remedy! To behold a tender Mother, herself half
spent with Grief and Fears, prostrate at her sick Favourite’s Pillow,
expostulating with all the Eloquence of maternal Anxiety, and entreating,
praying, coaxing it to swallow a necessary Medicine, but still in vain!
To view the Parents at such a Juncture, inwardly divided, torn, and
almost consumed, between the alternate Motions of Tenderness, Impatience,
Love, and Anger, fruitlessly insist, where a Habit of Subjection should
have already made a Word or a Look sufficient; and yet to find the
humour’d Thing as resolutely bent on refusing, merely, perhaps, because
so much entreated! To eye all this, I say, were surely sufficient to
convince us, that it is a strange Inversion of the natural Order of
Things; and has a something in it extremely absurd: and the more so, when
we reflect, that the whole is an Effect of Folly in the Parents, and
chiefly owing to their former Neglect of exerting a little prudential
Authority.
If this be too frequent a Case, as the Experience of many People must
convince them it is, let Parents in general remember, that their watchful
Industry to conquer and regulate the little growing Passions and Humours
of their tender Offspring, is as necessary towards the Preservation of
their Bodies, as for the Culture of their Minds.
That this Difficulty of conquering Children, and rendering them tractable
while sick, is no Exaggeration, I might appeal to the Consciousness of
most Parents throughout the Kingdom; nay, I could support the Charge by
many Instances within my own Knowledge; but shall content myself with
producing a very few from the Relation of others. A Friend of mine, who
had the Care of a young Gentleman, lately received a Letter from his
Boarding School, with this Information; “Master has been much out of
order, and what is worse, was out of the Reach of the Means of being
easily made better. He had indeed three Doses of Physic prescrib’d him,
but could not be prevailed on to swallow one; in short, they were all
spilt on the Sheets, for not a Drop went down his Throat.” A little Miss
not yet able to speak plain (as I was informed by a Person present) had
a Medicine to take which she obstinately refus’d; Mamma interferes,
and after many fruitless Entreaties gently corrects her; Miss still
persists in the Refusal, and is chastised with additional Severity, even
to the sixth time; at length, half breathless with crying, and ready
in appearance to burst with Passion, she has still her Spirit so little
conquered as to say in her imperfect Gibberish, “Well, if you _till_ me,
I won’t take it.” So Mamma overcome, lays down the Rod; and obstinate
Miss coming off with the Victory, shewed she had more Courage to receive
Correction, than the Mother Resolution to bestow it. The Truth was, that
Mamma had never had a Dispute with the Child, in which she had not the
Weakness to suffer it to get the better of her. A Lady of Rank I have the
Honour to be acquainted with, and who I’m sure in other Respects has good
Understanding, forfeited it greatly on a like Occasion. She told me her
Daughter, when in the Country, having a Fever, all usual Means were try’d
to prevail on her to take the necessary Remedies, but in vain! So far
from being mov’d to Compliance, she was thrown into such vehement Fits
of crying, whenever they were offered to her, that it was apprehended
her Fever would encrease, and endanger her Life: ’till at length by good
Fortune the Lady reflecting she had a Kitten which Miss was extravagantly
fond of, she resolved to try an Experiment. Accordingly, as often as
any thing was to be taken by Miss, Mamma holding Puss in her Hands,
protested it should be thrown out of the Window and killed, if she did
not take what was given her; and by this Stratagem brought the Child to
a Compliance, which nothing else could effect. I own the Expedient was
ingenious, and the Lady gave a Proof of her great Presence of Mind in
turning to the Child’s Advantage an innocent Foible she had been indulg’d
in. But surely at the same time she betrayed how much she had before
forfeited her Understanding as well as the true Tenderness of the Parent,
by the little Care she had taken to inculcate and enforce such Principles
of Obedience and Gratitude, as should have taught her on the like
Occasions to do at least as much out of Love and Duty to a fond Parent,
as she did out of childish Attachment to a Kitten. Now however lightly
People may think of these Things, who are not immediately concerned, they
must and will be acknowledged great Afflictions to all Parents who love
their Children, and see them in such Circumstances.
’Tis certain that Children may have Disorders which are not of a
dangerous Nature, and may therefore be got through without a nice
Observance of Rule; but then it is equally certain, that they have
oftentimes very dangerous ones, which necessarily require both Medicines
and Rule. And very eminent Physicians have declared it as their Opinion,
that many of these tender Lives have been lost, purely for want of
Submission to the Medicines and Rules prescribed them. Who then can
look back on the Causes of a Loss so detrimental to Society, and not be
offended at the general Neglect of Parents to remove them?
Nor can one, reasonably speaking, be less offended and concerned at the
universal Custom among Parents of remedying on such Occasions their
former Neglects, by present Falsehoods: that is, I mean, by attempting
to impose on their Children’s Senses and Understandings by manifest
Untruths. When a Child is to take a Medicine, is it not ridiculous to
call a bitter Draught sour, or a sour one sweet? Is it less absurd to
insist on a nauseous thing’s being pleasant, than it is to shew them
what is black, and endeavour to persuade them it is white? And yet this
is the Method commonly made use of with Children, to beguile down their
Medicines. It is true it may furnish People with an easy Pretext to
expatiate on their Children’s Capacity; but I am sure it adds no Honour
to their own. They may tell their Apothecary how much Pains they took
to cheat the Child, but the little Rogue was so cunning it would not
be cheated! They may display his Genius by telling how they called it
Wine, and gave it in the dark; or said it was Tea, and put it into his
own Cup; still nothing could deceive him: Oh! it is a sensible little
Creature! But what all this while is become of the Sense of the Parents?
For after all this Address, this mighty Juggle, it must still perhaps be
owned, that the Child does not take the Dose: or if it should, with a
Superiority of Sense, it justly reproaches the Parents with having told
it a Falsehood. “You said it was good, but I find it is nasty Stuff, and
I’ll take no more of it.” And too generally do they keep their Word. Can
Parents so palpably mislead their Children, and not be sensible of their
Mistake? Or can they be sensible of it, and not blush at their own Folly?
Thus far we have considered the Untowardness of Children, with some of
its Consequences, in that Stage of Life we usually call their Childhood;
that is, to seven Years old; for according to the Custom of familiar
Life, every Septenary is reckoned a Stage; tho’ Physical Writers divide
Life otherwise. With them there are eight Stages. From the Birth to
three Years old, is one; viz. the Infancy; from three to ten another; and
so on to Decrepidity. But as this Treatise attempts to reach no farther
than the Dominion of Parents generally extends, that is, till they become
Men and Women; it will not be consistent with my Design, to carry on
either Observation or Precept beyond the third Stage of Life.
Let us therefore proceed to take some Observation of them in the second
Septenary; when on all Hands it is agreed their Understandings are open,
and capable of receiving more important Impressions.
Now if we view the Generality of Children from seven to fourteen, I am
afraid we shall be obliged to confess, that however far they advance
in what is commonly called Learning, they gain but very little in
the Science of Manners. In _William_ of _Wickham_’s famous School at
_Winchester_ there is this Motto, MANNERS MAKETH MAN: Whereby we are
reminded, that all Learning which does not improve our Manners, is vain
and unprofitable; the Perfection of Manners being the End, which Learning
is only design’d as a Means to conduct us to. Yet so it happens, that
Parents are frequently misled by confounding Names, by taking one thing
for another, and concluding their Children have Manners because they have
Learning. Whereas in reality, a Child may, from want of proper Care,
have a great deal of Learning, and no Manners at all: or, on the other
hand, by timely and proper Tuition, advance greatly in the Improvement of
genuine Manners, with little or no School Learning: which is all that is
generally understood by the Word Learning, with regard to Children in the
second Septenary.
When a Man becomes Father of a Family, he usually applies the Boys, as
soon as he deems them of an Age for it, to School Learning; different
according to the Rank he bears in Life: while the Girls, by a shameful
Indolence or Contempt, are often neglected in this Particular, and
suffered to become alternate Plagues and Play-things at home: at least
with strictest Truth we may say, too little Care is taken to form either
the Mind or Heart of these to any great Advantage. The Boys, if dull,
return Blockheads, and so remain; if smart, grow boisterous, audacious,
conceited, and ungovernable; tyrannical to their Sisters; disobedient to
their Mother; and scarce are awed by their Father’s severer Brow. The
Girls remain uncultivated in almost every thing but Vanity and a Love of
fine Cloaths. Indeed they can work a little, (and perhaps but little) or
they can dance, and so they ought; but shall scarcely be able to spell a
Word right beyond a Monosyllable; or write the Direction on a Letter with
any Propriety. Is it an Exaggeration to say this is the usual Education
till fourteen? Surely Experience convinces us it is not; and tho’ some
Exceptions may doubtless be found, yet they are few in Comparison with
the whole.
Now let me ask the Parents of such Children, what real Comfort do they
find in them? Do they not often with Sorrow, nay almost with bleeding
Hearts, see them running counter to their Expectations and Wishes? Do
they not daily see, and must they not therefore daily lament (unless they
are self-blind) that all their other Profusion of Kindness so lavishly
poured on their Children, yields neither Profit to them, nor Comfort
to themselves? And whence the Cause of all this Disappointment? Alas!
’tis too visible, too apparent! It arises from a Neglect, or at least
an Abuse of that early Authority they ought to exercise over them: from
a Neglect, in not correcting in time their Irregularities and Humours;
from an Abuse, in correcting them without Judgment and Discretion. Nor
does this happen to People in inferior Stations only; no, ’tis every
Day to be met with, not merely from the Peasant to the Tradesman, but
from the Tradesman to the Nobleman; and even among those of the finest
Understanding. But whence the Cause of this strange Misconduct and
Omission? It springs, as I take it, from Ignorance, or Inconsiderateness,
or Partiality, or Passion, or from all together; but the most frequently
of any, from false Tenderness, and blind Indulgence.
Every Man has his own way of judging, and generally abides by it right
or wrong. I knew a Gentleman of refined Understanding, who frequently
forfeited it, by a boundless injudicious Fondness for his Children.
He would say to his little Boy at Table, Well, my Dear, what shall I
help you to? The Child, accustomed to have his own Will, unskilled to
make a proper Choice, and following the Gratification of his depraved
Palate, was sure to choose the most unfit Dish, by choosing the richest,
because the most savory. The Father indeed would fain set him right,
by recommending some simpler Food; No, my Dear, he’d say, have some
Mutton, Mutton is best for you; and so of any other plain wholsome Dish;
but this Advice proves too late, after having set him wrong; nor would
he eat a Morsel of any thing but what he himself approved of. The same
Gentleman, as a Proof of his Sense, took abundance of Pains to inculcate
strict Notions of Honour to his Children, tho’ he often degraded that
Sense in the Application of them. One Day, at the beginning of the Week,
he says to his Son, My Dear, I know you are a Man of Honour, and what
you once promise you’ll punctually perform; you are one Day this Week
to take Physic; tell me then, what Day will you fix on? The Boy pauses
a little, and replies, Saturday, Sir. Oh! fye my Dear, says the Father,
why stay ’till Saturday? why not take it to-morrow, or next Day? No Sir,
replies the Boy, with an unbecoming Pertness, I’m upon Honour; the Choice
of the Day was left to me, and I’ll not take it before. What an amazing
Inversion of Ideas! Honour with Disobedience! Who in this Case could be
said to hold the Reins of Government, the Parent or the Child?
Thus too does many an affectionate and even sensible Mother both see
and feel in a Daughter, whom Nature perhaps has endowed with all that
might make her sweet and amiable, an Untractableness she knows not
how to account for. But tho’ it is her own Mismanagement, or rather
no Management at all, which makes the Girl’s Desires irregular and
inordinate, still the fond Parent remains blind to the Cause. If Miss
knows Mamma is to go out without her, she’ll eat no Dinner; if the Dress
of the Day is not to her Fancy, she is sure to remain sullen ’till Night;
and if an accidental Difference is made to a Sister, or any other of
her own Age, she shall redden, and swell, and pout, and fret, ’till she
has fretted her Mamma sick, to see her untoward Behaviour; and possibly
fretted herself sick too. ’Tis easy to discern the Principles she acts
upon; they are Self-will, Vanity, and the Love of Pleasure, which she
has been used to be indulged in. No wonder then, that when these are not
gratified she is miserable; and while they are, is it likely that she can
long be happy?
There ought to be made a considerable Difference between the Children of
inferior People, and those of Rank, with regard to their Tuition; nothing
is more reasonable; since the latter have innumerable Advantages over,
and are to move in a very different Sphere from the former. Still the
Mistakes in all are too often essentially the same; and only conceal’d
or varnish’d over by the external Education. Now, what I contend for
is, that Parents of all Ranks have the Power, and are equally bound in
Duty, to be themselves the Teachers of their Children, with regard to
that Self-Knowledge, and the genuine Docility arising from it, which are
necessary to conduct them thro’ Life with Ease and Benefit to themselves,
with Honour and Pleasure to their Parents, and with universal Advantage
to Society in general. I say again, that all Parents have the Power of
answering this Obligation in great measure; but those of Rank, Fortune,
and Education, have it in an eminent Degree; and are therefore utterly
inexcusable, when they give into that gross Neglect of it; which we daily
see, even in the second and more improveable Stage of human Life.
Tho’ it is allow’d by all, that Children, long before they attain the
Age of fourteen, are in general capable of receiving very advantageous
Impressions, and are full as susceptible of the reverse; yet ’tis pretty
evident, that much the Majority to that Period, gain few or no good
ones; and I wish it were not as evident, that their principal Stock
are of the bad Kind. But let us proceed to consider them in the third
Septenary, which brings them to the Age of twenty-one; the Period which
generally closes our Obligations to them; shuts out in great measure our
Power over them; and sets them loose on the great Stage of the World,
every one to act their Part just as we have taught them. If well, great
is our Honour, great must be our Comfort; and great and lasting is their
Happiness likely to prove, to themselves, and to Posterity. If ill, no
matter what their Station is, they disgrace it; and the Disgrace with
double Force is reflected back on ourselves.
’Tis a well-known Maxim, that the first Impressions strike the deepest.
Thus, a Boy, who before fourteen has never been convinced that it was
necessary for him to obey, will afterwards laugh at it as ridiculous; and
if his first Lessons were Pride and Pleasure, the only Use he will make
of his Understanding when more at large, will be to study to continue in
the Pursuit and Augmentation of those his favourite Objects.
Whether we consider the Heir of a Family at the University, or his
younger Brother in a Merchant’s Compting-house; whether we consider
a young Stripling destin’d to the Law, to Physic, or view him behind
a Counter; we cannot make a true Use of our Eyes, without seeing
innumerable Disorders during this third Stage of Life. For tho’
heretofore he has been treated as a Child or School-boy, he will now
pretend to judge for himself; and as his Reason is weak, and his Passions
strong, that will slavishly run in pursuit of every thing which will
promote the Gratification of these. I have already observed, that the
only Use he will make of his Understanding, will be to abuse it. For
Example, he wants fine Cloaths, such, perhaps, as are very unbecoming his
Station; he wants two or three Suits, where one ought to serve; he wants
an encrease of Pocket-money, far beyond a reasonable Allowance, and often
beyond what his Father can afford; or finally, he has some more vicious
End in view. Now without once employing his Reason, or reflecting how
much he has abused the Indulgence of his Parents, his Passions urge him
on to effect whatever they suggest. To gain his Point then, with Address
and Cunning he applies to his Mother; whose blind Fondness for her Boy,
will not let the Father rest, till his prodigal Humour is gratify’d.
The Father, as a good one, shall argue the Case. “What, my Dear, can I
do with this extravagant Boy? I have spar’d no Pains nor Expence in his
Education, because on that I grounded all my Hopes of his future good
Conduct and Prosperity; he don’t want Sense, and has improv’d pretty well
in his Learning: if not quite so well as perhaps he might have done with
a little more Application, yet allowing for the natural Thoughtlessness
of his Age, at least well enough to know how to act better. Still I see
little Prospect of Comfort from him; because I see no Dispositions in
him but to Idleness, Folly and Extravagance. In short, if he goes on
thus, what better can I expect than to see him daily plunge deeper and
deeper into Extravagance and Vice: and what must the Consequence be but
irrecoverable Destruction? Shall I then by continuing to humour him
hurry on his Ruin, perhaps in my own and yours?” But the fond Mother
still persuading him that every present Folly is to be the last, urges
her Suit; and enforcing all that Influence which in an amiable Woman
seldom fails to succeed with an indulgent Husband and doating Father,
is almost always sure to carry her Point. Is not this the Situation of
many a Parent? Is not this the reigning Practice of many a Son? Of too
many indeed!—The Father here describ’d is such a one as most Men will
acknowledge to be a tender one; and some will be apt to think a discreet
one; in allowing for the Inconsiderateness of his Age, weighing like a
prudent Man his real Good, and generously resolving to furnish him with
every reasonable Means of being wise and happy: still is he disappointed;
and still are his Expectations frustrated. But need we ask the Cause?
Surely it is too plain. More Pains have been taken to pamper and humour
him, than to make it unnecessary to do either: more Time and Care have
been employ’d to furnish his Head, with perhaps merely ornamental
Knowledge, than to correct and enrich his Heart with such Sentiments as
might improve his Manners. Can we then wonder that he precipitates into
Ruin? No surely; we may rather wonder if he escapes it. But admitting
that Fortune still favours him, and that he keeps up his Dignity and
Reputation; how does he possess his own Mind, as a rational Creature, or
a Brute? Does he act so as to deserve the Esteem of Mankind? If not, Life
is not worth enjoying.
Let us now view the fairer part of our Species; those tender Branches
our Daughters. They (thank Heaven) are not naturally so liable to Vices
and Extravagancies as our Sons; but I wish I could say they were all as
good as they are capable of being made; as amiable in their interior
Sentiments, as their Forms might make us hope to see them. But alas! too
often those choicest Charms of our Eyes are the chief Plagues of our
Hearts; and it is we ourselves are the principal Causes, that they whom
Nature seem’d to have form’d to be our principal Comforts, should thro’
our Mismanagement become the Disturbers of the Peace of us their Parents,
and of their own Happiness.
A Girl enter’d into the third Septenary passes soon into a Woman; but
commonly speaking she is much sooner such in her Person and Appetites
than in her Understanding: whence arise many of those glaring Mistakes
they daily commit. A Girl who is tall generally conceits she is wise;
and because ’till now she has liv’d without controul, she thinks
Subjection and Obedience to her Parents, mean and slavish. It would be
a Reflection on young Ladies to say they have no Manners, but still it
is too generally true that their Manners are false ones; springing from
Pride, and influenc’d by it. A Girl (of any Figure in Life) soon knows
that the World has it’s Eyes upon her; and as there are certain Motives
which induce her to exert all her Skill to seem well bred, so there are
certain Times she really appears to advantage: but let the Mask be thrown
off; let the Restraint be taken away by which she is confin’d; and we
shall soon see where her Manners lye: we shall (I am afraid) oftentimes
discover that they are not the Dictates of a well-regulated Heart. But as
my Tenderness for the Sex will not suffer me designedly to misrepresent
things, let us examine fairly the Conduct of a young Lady according to
the too general Mode of breeding.
It appears already that the first Stage of Life was wholly spent
in gratifying her Humour; the second was employ’d in a superficial
Education, resembling in some measure a Building ornamented without, but
ill contriv’d and useless within. Self-will, Vanity and Pleasure have
hitherto been her Guides; and these instead of being check’d, are in the
third Stage, greatly strengthen’d and augmented: and have besides added
to them a boundless Love of Power and Uncontroul. Now from such a Source
what Virtues can we expect to flow? What Miseries may we not fear? Alas!
too soon are we convinc’d that her whole Soul is absorb’d in Pleasures;
her Head runs round with them; she is continually contriving, plotting,
scheming; and all Opposition of her Parents becomes too weak: she has
not, perhaps, a Spark of real Duty, nor the least Sense of her misguided
Steps: and happy is it for her if her mistaken Conduct does not in the
End plunge her into Sorrow too great to support. Happy is it for her if
the Stream of Pleasure she is borne down with does not insensibly carry
away her Honour and Virtue; or at least dash her on the fatal Rock of a
miserable Marriage. Wherever this Portrait is found to be genuine, let it
be remember’d, that the Painter who draws a real Likeness ought not to be
blam’d for the Disagreeableness of the Features.
Many, it is true, have Fortune to support their Pleasures, however
expensive or irregular; but where that fails, where Fortune is small,
and the Propensity to Pleasure great, Honour and Virtue stand so very
tottering, that they are in perpetual Danger: and if with this unbridled
Love of Pleasure, there be a tolerable share of Wit or Beauty, or both;
who that reflects, can help trembling even at the Apprehension of a Fall?
But tho’ a young Lady should escape those innumerable Calamities which
her giddy Conduct has laid her open to, what Hopes are there, that she
who has never borne Contradiction, will so demean herself as to become
amiable in the Eyes of others, or be happy in herself?